February 24, 2009

Touching Base....

I wanted to stop in and let you all know that I am still "here".

I saw my Psych on Thursday and we switched meds. I am feeling a little better everyday, and that is very important to me.

I had my follow up with Dr. OvaryWhisperer on the 20th, and was surprised with the results.

I guess that my ovaries are so completely confused that they are giving eggs that really should be coming from a 14 year olds ovaries. Ha, let me explain....

When you do an egg retrieval, you can get 4 different kinds of eggs.

1. Over Ripe... Dude you waited to long.

2. Metaphase 1.... just right should be totally mature and ready to entertain the boys... will have a polar body.

3. Metaphase 2.... Still immature, but "should" mature in solution.

4. Immature.... No good, not gonna mature, have to toss these guys out.

Well, my eggs are falling into the Metaphase 2 category more often then not, and oddly enough they are not maturing at all. Most eggs in this group do fine, but mine are just not trying to cut me any slack. The ones who do appear to mature, and get ICSI'd, never fertilize like they should.

Funny that this is a problem most often seen with very young patients, so my 35 year old ovaries are playing like they are still in High School, and frankly it annoys me as much now as High School did back then.

She seems to think that the BCP's and the Lupron are screwing with my eggs, making them think they are not ready when they should be, "over suppressing". She thinks that a total change of protocol by removing the BCP's and Lupron and adding an antagonist is what we need. Ganirelix and Cetrotide is what my clinic tends to use. She then strongly suggested that we consider assisted hatching, because the embies that we transfer are great, and there really is no logical reason they should not be implanting. So there again they need a little help.

Clark was there and listened to everything the doc said. He surprised me with some of the questions he asked, and even more so when he asked the Doc if the change of meds would make me less of a bitch?? I was shocked, but Dr. OvaryWhisperer didn't miss a beat and said that "Yes on the new protocol there tends to be fewer hormonal swings, so less Bitchiness" I love her!!!

So now for the BIG SHOCKER.... Clark tells Dr. OvaryWhisperer that he is giving his ok for another cycle and that she can tell the IVF nurse to order the meds. I just looked at him in stunned silence. Is he kidding?? I mean we have had the worst 3 weeks of our relationship, and he pulls this one out on me??

I have to admit that right now I am not in a place to cycle. I am not comfortable with how things sit with us as a couple. We have spent countless hours talking about us and what is to come, and I am just not buying it right now. He is holding something back from me, and until I figure out what it is, or he decides to tell me, then I have to assume that at any moment this life as I know it could fall totally apart.

I can say that we have agreed to find a set of parents for our Totsicles. I am sure that I cannot face the complete and total randomness of an FET cycle. Honestly they scare me more then a fresh cycle the more that I think about it. I want another couple out there to have the chance to experience what we have, even if I don't get that chance again.

So things here are still very much up in the air, and I am not counting on life here to get any easier for the immediate future, but I guess something will give, and I can only hope and pray that it will be for the good because I love my husband and our family with all my heart, and I cannot imagine not having the life that I have right now.... I refuse to even think about it.

Thanks for all of your comments and good thoughts, I cannot express how much each and every one of them means to me right now.

9 comments:

Kristin said...

You "sound" a bit better. I hope things continue to improve and you get all your issues worked out.

Lots of {{{{{hugs}}}}} and prayers.

A Decade of BFNs said...

Hope it all works out hun.

Hopeful Mother said...

I'm glad you have some new meds - and that each day is a little better.

I hope that you guys can figure out a plan that you both are 100% behind. It sounds promising that the clinic has a new strategy for you, if/when you decide to move forward.

Thinking of you - I know it's hard.

momofonefornow said...

Wow! What a strange turn of events. I hope things start to even out for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're feeling better and communicating somewhat better with Clark.

I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, but if I were looking for embryos, I don't think I would take them if one of the partners was bi-polar. I just don't think I would be willing to take the risk. I also think it's would be something you would need to disclose.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to add that I think your desire to donate and help someone else become a parent is wonderful and loving. Others may not be bothered by the bi-polar aspect as I am.

Poison Ivy said...

{{{"I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, but if I were looking for embryos, I don't think I would take them if one of the partners was bi-polar. I just don't think I would be willing to take the risk. I also think it's would be something you would need to disclose." anonymous))))
You are kidding, right? If you were looking for embryos, you would know IF YOU WENT TO A REPUTABLE RE, NOT THE OCTOMOM'S DOC, that you are screened and then screened again for any and all things, so the donor embryos would be okay. As for risks, there are risks with everyone trying to get pregnant, with help, without, it doesn't matter. You cannot screen for bi-polar. I am curious what you would do if you were having a child thru help with a doctor (Your eggs, hubby's sperm) and your child became bi-polar. It can happen just as rain.
One good thing is you know your limits. You want or need perfection, and since there is no such thing when talking about humans, if you do not have children, you will probably stay that way, because no one will ever be a less of a bother for you to handle.
Furthermore, if for some mutation, you actually succeeded in breeding, may the Good Lord bless that child/ren with extra guardian angels, for they shall need them to protect them from your narrowmindedness and unrealistic measures of what is a human being.

Poison Ivy said...

{{{"Just wanted to add that I think your desire to donate and help someone else become a parent is wonderful and loving. Others may not be bothered by the bi-polar aspect as I am."}}}

WOW!! I sure hope you appreciate the true very few friends and family you have, anonymous, because with your posts, you do come across as a person whom most avoid like the plague because if they do end up talking with you the urge to knock the snot out of ya could be overwhelming.
You might want to take a good long look in the mirror and list the things about YOU that bother you, and your hubby too (if you have one) for that matter. These alone, could be a deal breaker for having a child. The items might be too much of a bother for
you and/ or your hubby.

Mely said...

well said...Poison Ivy!!! ;o)