February 15, 2009

Turning...

I got roaring drunk Friday night.

I pleaded my case.

Tears and all.

It isn't working.

At the same time it is making me wonder just what my motivator is in all this.

I have what I set out for in the beginning.

Turtle.

When I said a post ago that I have fear, it really is more then that, I am terrified what will happen to me mentally if we cycle again and it fails. I am not so sure that I could take failure like that, and not lose my mind.

I mean, Seriously lose my mind.

It would be the end.

Done.

Although my heart isn't ready to accept it, I think my brain may be coming to terms with the thought that maybe it is time to move on from this space. It is so sad, dark, and bitter here that it really is starting to keep me from enjoying the Turtle.

I have been just watching her the last few days, and while one part of me wants more, another is screaming don't look away, you will miss something amazing.

Are you getting as sick of listening to me as I am listening to myself??

7 comments:

Lost in Space said...

I'm sorry it is so hard, Rebel. You have to keep talking about it sometimes to just fully process it all. Never tiring of you, my friend....... Hugs.

poison ivy said...

Wish I could have slammed a few down with you! (((big hugs)))
I did have a few Dove chocolate Easter eggs!
We are here for you, no matter what you decide. We love ya lots.
Will call you later in the week.
xoxox

Kristin said...

I'm not sick of listening to you at all. Its a damned hard process to go through and I'm always willing to help a friend.

Erin said...

I have many, many hugs and much love for you. I know it's hard to feel like building your family is at an end when you didn't expect it.

Dora said...

Oh, hon. So hard. No words of wisdom, just thinking of you.

My Reality said...

You don't necessarily have to decide anything right now, you can think about it for a while.

Joey's Mama said...

((((( ))))) Life sure sucks sometimes.....

For now, take a deep breath, focus on the turtle and see where your heart leads you. You can't make a decision overnight, especially when you are feeling so emotional. Maybe Clark just needs some time too. If he sees that you are ok with the way things are now, he will reconsider. Maybe set a goal, even if you don't tell him what you are doing, and then approach him again, like in a month or two. I think you both need time to process everything. E-mal me anytime.....