February 25, 2009

Dearest Anonymous

When I got your first comment last night, it was late and I was inclined to let it sit until this morning, but I opened the email, and didn't know how to feel upon first reading it. I hit anger, and sadness, hell I went through the whole gamut of emotions.

The one that sticks with me though is sadness, for you actually. I cannot imagine that you would forgo parenthood at the slight risk that an embryo that you adopted "could" have a treatable mental illness. That adopted Embryo, unless of course they did PGD to assure a mostly healthy, disease free MaybeBaby, still has the very real possibility of having any of the other thousands of mental and or physical disorders that there are on this planet. There is no guarantee of a healthy child at the end of ANY pregnancy.

I do not have a clue where my Bi-polar came from as there is NO family history. I lived in hell growing up because no one knew what was "wrong" with me. I was treated like a black sheep, and some of the people who should have looked out for me, took advantage of my state, in more ways then one.

I am actually a Bi-Polar II meaning that I suffer mostly from severe depression, and not much mania, which is very well controlled with meds.

If you think that the nights I have worried about passing this on to any of my children have been few and far in between, then you would be dead wrong.

I honestly feel that the severity of Bi-Polar can also be situational, and my childhood was far from a fucking fairytale, so I feel that made it a lot worse then.

Now that I am all grown up, I can actually be thankful for most of the shitty places my life has been because they have made me the loving, caring, honest and open person that I am today.

I take my meds, I know I need to.

I don't play games with drugs and alcohol, and I stay away from negative influences.

Honestly that is more then I can say for some of the "mentally stable" people I know.

I have no intention of keeping any of the health issues that I or Clark have off any questionnaire when we are trying to find a family for our embryo's. While I thank you for your concern for their possible future parents and selves, unless you know a lot about living with someone who is Bi-polar, are your self, or have personal knowledge of how the disease works beyond what you have read in the paper or on TV, I would thank you not to judge to harshly.

Living with this illness is no different then living with most other illnesses. Please research it. We struggle to get through every day just as a diabetic would. Chances are you have a family member or know someone who is Bi-Polar, but you don't usually know because we don't tend to advertise... it could be that whole looked at like we are crazy thing that seems to happen more often then not.

So, please do not presume that you yourself would not produce offspring that could be Bi-Polar, all kinds of things could come from your DNA that you don't even know about.

Educate yourself please, and enjoy the weather in New York this weekend.

Rebel Out.


momofonefornow said...

Wow, just wow.

I wonder at the way that people seem to have the inability to edit themselves. Did Anonymous think that this never occurred to you? Certainly there is no need for anyone to point out to you that your bi-polar is a potential no-go for possible adoptive couples. You are not stupid and feeling the need to make that comment implies that you are. That, more than anything else, pisses me off. You can tell just by reading your blog that you are an intelligent person. No one needs to state the obvious to you.

DD said...

I see that anonymous said she wouldn't want embryos donated if a parent was bi-polar.


Some couples want Catholic only parents, which is so completely bizarre to me. Religion isn't genetic the last I checked.

That's the wonderful thing about embryo donation. Not only do the recipients get a choice, but the donors have the ultimate say. That means if this particular anonymous wanted your embryos, YOU get to veto her.

In other words, she has a choice. So do you. Don't sweat either one. You do what is right for YOU.

Kristin said...

You tell them chica! People can be such idiots.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, what the fuck???

I can't believe some people's ignorance at times.

For what it is worth, I would totally adopt an embryo or a baby who had a genetic link to mental illness. Maybe because I have battled depression my whole life and understand it better than most.

I cannot believe what anon had to say. Good for you for standing up for yourself AND your embryos.

Kahla said...

I did not see that post/comment yet, but I can pretty much guess if they posted anon, then they felt they didn't have a right to say what they were writing to begin with. I think you did a great job in your response!

PS, I totally forgot about the award from a while back, need to get that up!

Anonymous said...

I’m sorry you felt my comments were judgmental. That was not my intent. I certainly have no judgment about your decision to have children or your ability to be a good mother. I do have people in my life who are bi-polar. Not all are easily treated. It’s hard to see them struggle. I admitted in my comments that this is MY bias in terms of donor gametes.

I sincerely apologize. This is your space and I overstepped the boundaries.

Erin said...

Well, it's certainly good that Anonymous knows her boundaries. It is sad, however, that she is going to have to forgo parenthood since she would NEVER be able to guarantee that her child would not have medical or mental problems that need to be treated.

While I do fully believe that people need to know their limitations (as we had to know ours when we chose to adopt and turned down M's referral), there are plenty of people who do not consider a parent who is bi-polar a dealbreaker for embryo donation. And since that would be on the paperwork, that's their choice. If Anonymous wouldn't do it, that's her choice. But there are many others who are willing to take the chance, and deal with what may come.

I missed posting on your last post, but I'm glad that Clark has had a change-of-heart. Even if you're not ready to start a new cycle now, it's nice to know that the choice of what to do can now be a choice, rather than an ultimatum by one person.

Lost in Space said...

Sorry you had to deal with this on top of all you are already going through, sweetie.

Hang in there. People often speak before they think and usually much more boldly when hiding behind an anonymous title.

She isn't worth it.......


Anonymous said...

"It is sad, however, that she is going to have to forgo parenthood since she would NEVER be able to guarantee that her child would not have medical or mental problems that need to be treated."

Wow, this is an enormous leap to make from my comments.

I apologized for my out of place comments and will just say that they came from a valid fear that sperm donors, egg donors and embryo donors may not be honest about their medical histories. Rebel, you did not deserve to have my fears projected on you. Again, I apologize, but I don't believe I deserve to be vilified for my comments.

Anonymous said...

I know Rebel in real life. I am sorry but I do have to defend her. She is not the typical bi-polar person. She knows what she needs to do to keep her mental health in check. I do have a younger sister who is manic bi-polar and she is the total opposite of Rebel. Rebel first thoughts are her family and children. THEY come first before her. She is a wonderful mom to both kids. I have kids too and there are days I would love to choke them for their stupidity, but the thing Rebel and I have in common is we will bitch rant and rave then we don't feel like anymore. I am so proud of her. To donate her frozen tots to a couple who are in situation that they for what ever reason cant conceive the chance for having a baby. I really don't think anonymous has any real infertility issues. Or understands what we deal with.
I love ya Rebel!

Amanda said...

xoxo lots of love to you mamasita

Anonymous said...

Overstepping boundarys....is that code for typing too fast and hitting enter before your brain comprehends the obvious hurt you can inflict on someone with the ignorance you display due to your complete lack of phsyc PHD??
Rebel...kudos to you for the calm. rational response to this.
And Clark....woohoo you are amazing!!
Good Luck hon I hope it all goes well!!
Tesi (who hates that she constantly forgets her Blogger password)

Susan said...

I'm sorry you're blue but you should take great pride in the way you handled anonymous. These mystery commenters have a gene missing or something. Do they not realize that there's more to us than what we post? That blogging is an outlet, not an all-encompassing personal resume? Obviously not. Assholes.