Dearest Anonymous

When I got your first comment last night, it was late and I was inclined to let it sit until this morning, but I opened the email, and didn't know how to feel upon first reading it. I hit anger, and sadness, hell I went through the whole gamut of emotions.

The one that sticks with me though is sadness, for you actually. I cannot imagine that you would forgo parenthood at the slight risk that an embryo that you adopted "could" have a treatable mental illness. That adopted Embryo, unless of course they did PGD to assure a mostly healthy, disease free MaybeBaby, still has the very real possibility of having any of the other thousands of mental and or physical disorders that there are on this planet. There is no guarantee of a healthy child at the end of ANY pregnancy.

I do not have a clue where my Bi-polar came from as there is NO family history. I lived in hell growing up because no one knew what was "wrong" with me. I was treated like a black sheep, and some of the people who should have looked out for me, took advantage of my state, in more ways then one.

I am actually a Bi-Polar II meaning that I suffer mostly from severe depression, and not much mania, which is very well controlled with meds.

If you think that the nights I have worried about passing this on to any of my children have been few and far in between, then you would be dead wrong.

I honestly feel that the severity of Bi-Polar can also be situational, and my childhood was far from a fucking fairytale, so I feel that made it a lot worse then.

Now that I am all grown up, I can actually be thankful for most of the shitty places my life has been because they have made me the loving, caring, honest and open person that I am today.

I take my meds, I know I need to.

I don't play games with drugs and alcohol, and I stay away from negative influences.

Honestly that is more then I can say for some of the "mentally stable" people I know.

I have no intention of keeping any of the health issues that I or Clark have off any questionnaire when we are trying to find a family for our embryo's. While I thank you for your concern for their possible future parents and selves, unless you know a lot about living with someone who is Bi-polar, are your self, or have personal knowledge of how the disease works beyond what you have read in the paper or on TV, I would thank you not to judge to harshly.

Living with this illness is no different then living with most other illnesses. Please research it. We struggle to get through every day just as a diabetic would. Chances are you have a family member or know someone who is Bi-Polar, but you don't usually know because we don't tend to advertise... it could be that whole looked at like we are crazy thing that seems to happen more often then not.

So, please do not presume that you yourself would not produce offspring that could be Bi-Polar, all kinds of things could come from your DNA that you don't even know about.

Educate yourself please, and enjoy the weather in New York this weekend.

Rebel Out.

Touching Base....

I wanted to stop in and let you all know that I am still "here".

I saw my Psych on Thursday and we switched meds. I am feeling a little better everyday, and that is very important to me.

I had my follow up with Dr. OvaryWhisperer on the 20th, and was surprised with the results.

I guess that my ovaries are so completely confused that they are giving eggs that really should be coming from a 14 year olds ovaries. Ha, let me explain....

When you do an egg retrieval, you can get 4 different kinds of eggs.

1. Over Ripe... Dude you waited to long.

2. Metaphase 1.... just right should be totally mature and ready to entertain the boys... will have a polar body.

3. Metaphase 2.... Still immature, but "should" mature in solution.

4. Immature.... No good, not gonna mature, have to toss these guys out.

Well, my eggs are falling into the Metaphase 2 category more often then not, and oddly enough they are not maturing at all. Most eggs in this group do fine, but mine are just not trying to cut me any slack. The ones who do appear to mature, and get ICSI'd, never fertilize like they should.

Funny that this is a problem most often seen with very young patients, so my 35 year old ovaries are playing like they are still in High School, and frankly it annoys me as much now as High School did back then.

She seems to think that the BCP's and the Lupron are screwing with my eggs, making them think they are not ready when they should be, "over suppressing". She thinks that a total change of protocol by removing the BCP's and Lupron and adding an antagonist is what we need. Ganirelix and Cetrotide is what my clinic tends to use. She then strongly suggested that we consider assisted hatching, because the embies that we transfer are great, and there really is no logical reason they should not be implanting. So there again they need a little help.

Clark was there and listened to everything the doc said. He surprised me with some of the questions he asked, and even more so when he asked the Doc if the change of meds would make me less of a bitch?? I was shocked, but Dr. OvaryWhisperer didn't miss a beat and said that "Yes on the new protocol there tends to be fewer hormonal swings, so less Bitchiness" I love her!!!

So now for the BIG SHOCKER.... Clark tells Dr. OvaryWhisperer that he is giving his ok for another cycle and that she can tell the IVF nurse to order the meds. I just looked at him in stunned silence. Is he kidding?? I mean we have had the worst 3 weeks of our relationship, and he pulls this one out on me??

I have to admit that right now I am not in a place to cycle. I am not comfortable with how things sit with us as a couple. We have spent countless hours talking about us and what is to come, and I am just not buying it right now. He is holding something back from me, and until I figure out what it is, or he decides to tell me, then I have to assume that at any moment this life as I know it could fall totally apart.

I can say that we have agreed to find a set of parents for our Totsicles. I am sure that I cannot face the complete and total randomness of an FET cycle. Honestly they scare me more then a fresh cycle the more that I think about it. I want another couple out there to have the chance to experience what we have, even if I don't get that chance again.

So things here are still very much up in the air, and I am not counting on life here to get any easier for the immediate future, but I guess something will give, and I can only hope and pray that it will be for the good because I love my husband and our family with all my heart, and I cannot imagine not having the life that I have right now.... I refuse to even think about it.

Thanks for all of your comments and good thoughts, I cannot express how much each and every one of them means to me right now.

The Beginning of the End??

Things here in the Infertile House are changing.

Not for the good either.

Clark and Kent got into a HUGE fight last night. It is Kent and his disrespect of Clark since he has begun having contact with his Birth Father that is at the root of this. He has been very hateful and even taken to name calling. Last night at the dinner table Clark had, had enough, and things erupted.

Of course this also included the Turtle having a major freak out over the fact that they were carrying on. She was inconsolable for almost 20 minutes. I ended up dealing with Kent so Clark could handle the Turtle, and as usual his excuse is that we just "Don't Understand". I know it has to be hard for him to have 2 men in his life, but that is NO reason for him to start treating Clark like shit, and I will not tolerate it. Period.

So after everyone was in bed, Clark says to me... That is why I don't want to cycle again, did you see how traumatized she was over that?

I looked him right in the face and told him that was bullshit and that I had never upset the Turtle like that ever since the day she was born.

The whole thing then turned into a huge argument about my psych meds, IVF cycles, and how I am not Marth* Fucking Stewart. I am reaching the end of my rope with all of this crap. I know I am not perfect, but damn it I try very hard to be a good wife and mother, despite my Bi-Polar, and I think I do a pretty damn good job. My house may not be spotless, but it is cozy and you can feel the love here.

So, there is a lot of anger and hurt in my heart right now, and I even told Clark to get out last night. I have just about had enough. I can't take the self abuse that I dole out much less someone else's... meaning Kent and Clark.

I am going to take a serious step back, and I am not sure that I will return here. I will let you all know what I decide, but for right now this is a place that only serves to remind me of my failures in life, and I have to walk away from the negative.

I don't know what will come for Clark and I, I will pray that we can work this out because I love him with all my heart and soul, but things have to change, I am tired of hurting like this.

Going to see the Psych today to change meds, and get on with Living. Cycling is a thing of the past. Goodbye babies.

Turning...

I got roaring drunk Friday night.

I pleaded my case.

Tears and all.

It isn't working.

At the same time it is making me wonder just what my motivator is in all this.

I have what I set out for in the beginning.

Turtle.

When I said a post ago that I have fear, it really is more then that, I am terrified what will happen to me mentally if we cycle again and it fails. I am not so sure that I could take failure like that, and not lose my mind.

I mean, Seriously lose my mind.

It would be the end.

Done.

Although my heart isn't ready to accept it, I think my brain may be coming to terms with the thought that maybe it is time to move on from this space. It is so sad, dark, and bitter here that it really is starting to keep me from enjoying the Turtle.

I have been just watching her the last few days, and while one part of me wants more, another is screaming don't look away, you will miss something amazing.

Are you getting as sick of listening to me as I am listening to myself??

Where I was... Where I am...

Two years ago tomorrow, I was in a very similar place as I am this very day.

Failed Cycle.

Trying to figure out what comes next.

Clark and I started talking again last night. He is worried about several things:

Prozac doesn't seem to be controlling my Bi-Polar, and he is very concerned about my severe mood swings. I get it, and I tried to explain to him that it doesn't help that my body isn't used to a regular amount of hormones, not to mention the massive doses that I have to be on for IVF. I really don't think that it has been helping me much at all anymore, so it is time to go back and get on something different again.

He doesn't like the way my moods affect him and the kids. I get that, I don't like the way they affect me for crying out loud. He hates that when I get sad after a bad cycle then the baby seems to pick up on it, and as he put it to me "I like having a very happy baby, and when you get like that, she isn't."

We fight a lot when I am cycling. I think it is because I lose my tolerance for the day to day BS that goes on in the house, and I need things to just roll along as smooth as possible... ha that never happens.

He is concerned that I cannot spend 3 days on bed rest like I did when we did our IVF that got us Turtle. I worry about that to, but I didn't have an active toddler in May of 07, and I do now. Not to mention the fact that I can't stay down, I feel driven to take care of her if I am here, no matter if there is another person who can do it.

He thinks I am missing out on all of the cute little and big things that the Turtle does because I am so consumed with having another. Consumed is the OctoMom, not me. I know I have mental limits. I know my body has physical limits. I can accept those limits, I don't want to, but if forced to then I will.

I have been Proing and Coning in my mind and my heart for the last few days, and I just cannot get past the fear that I am feeling. It is fear of so many different things....

1. Failure of another cycle, because this one would be our last try.
2. Scared of hating Clark for not letting me try again.
3. Scared of hating myself for not pushing to do what my heart really wants to do.
4. Hating my heart for wanting something so bad that I cannot resolve it in my brain.
5. This one may not make sense to some of you, but being kinda mad that the Turtle is so great, because she is the main reason I want to have more. She has been the light that makes my days worth it, every single one of them. I want to have more. I want to have all of the moments with another child that we have had with her. Watching her grow has been the most amazing and rewarding thing I have ever been part of.

We were watching the Turtle play last night, and Clark said to me...

"Isn't she just the most amazing thing?"

"Yes I really think she is." I replied hiding the tears that had been welling.

"I totally get why you want more now that we have her, but that still doesn't mean that I think it is a good idea to do IVF again."

End of conversation.

My heart has been aching, and I find myself close to tears most of the day.

Two years ago, I didn't let failure stop me, but now I am not so sure that I have the strength to fight the battle again, or really if I even want to.

Lemonade Stands

Kristen gave me this award on her blog today. I am guessing it is because I made lemonade out of lemons this week what with the tax issue. Hell, I am just glad that I got it taken care of, it has been a weight off my shoulders the last 36 hours. I literally refuse to let people push me around anymore, and I will do what it takes to keep my family safe. I don't care who thinks they are right, I will not be railroaded.

Here are the rules for The Lemonade Stand Award:

1. You must link back to the person you received the award from.

Kristen Thanks sweetie!! You know I love you!!!

2. You have to nominate 10 bloggers who are deserving of this award!

I chose Bloggers who have touched me either recently, or over and over in the time I have been blogging. Each one of them holds a special place in my heart!!

Kahla- Because she has such sweetness in her soul.
S- Because she has the Hope.
Kathy- Because she is so strong in her faith.
Susan- Because I just love her attitude about everything!!
Trish- Because she has to many kids not to make Lemonade!!!
No Swimmers- Because she is holding Hope.
No Regrets- Because she is PUPO, and will stay P I just know it!!
DD- Because she is hysterical.
Erin- Because she is a sweet and loving person.
Kellie- Because I have been where she is, and she needs a little hug!!

Go visit my girls and you will see why I love them to!!!

Wanna play a Game??

How many emails to the Governor of Virginia does it take to get the director of DSS to finally return your call??

One my friends, just one!!

The shit hit the fan this morning.

At 7:55 PM I received a call that I should be getting my corrected 1099 in the mail within the week.

Dude, I fucking ROCK!!!!!

Be afraid, be VERY afraid!!!

Who's the Dummy now??!!

Stumbling Along....

Convincing Clark is not going as swimmingly easy as I thought it would be. He is more against another cycle then I originally thought. I think I am going to just leave it alone for right now and let him work through what he needs to. I have found the less I bother him about something, the more receptive he is down the road. Just a thought.

I have been stressed out about the tax thing I mentioned a few posts ago, and it looks as though we may have to hire a lawyer. I cannot begin to tell you just how OVER DSS I am. The system is defunct and so jacked up that it will take YEARS to fix it. I cannot for the life of me understand how they claim to be making things better for the children of this country when I may lose my house, and life as we know it because of their stupidity. They use lies to get foster parents to adopt. Just you try to get the services you need after finalization of a special needs adoption.... ain't happening. I am sick to death of these people hurting me and my family, and then having to have no culpability for what they have done.

I am going to say that The Department of Human Services in Hampton, Virginia (DSS) is filled with some of the worst social workers I have had the displeasure of meeting, and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have set foot one in that sorry ass building. The director has not returned my phone calls in over a week, and I am sure that I won't hear from her. She doesn't like me because I stuck up for Kent and wouldn't let them short change him. Richmond, Virgina (Head Department) DSS had no clue this was going on. I have called the City Attorney trying to get things fixed, left messages with the mayors office, and all over that city. Do you think anyone has returned my calls?? Hell no, you know why, because they know they are wrong, and I don't live in their sorry ass city anymore, so they THINK they can ignore me. The caseworkers have all been instructed to tell all Foster/Adoptive parents who call asking about the 1099's they were issued:

"Talk to your tax preparer, we can't help you." No shit, you don't want to either.

I am my tax preparer, and I have no freaking clue.

I called the IRS direct and spent 3 hours on the phone with them, they have no idea what in the hell is going on. This should be tax exempt, is what I heard over and over again.

I want you all to understand that I am not talking about a few hundred dollars here, I am talking thousands. Thousands I don't have. Thousands I will never have. Thousands that will break us.

I got the tax notice from them the day after transferring Larry, Moe, and Curly. I wonder how things may have turned out had I not been so damn upset over that stupid letter.

I have been having terrible nightmares over the last 2 weeks. They (Hampton Caseworkers) come and take our house, our cars, our dogs, and then show up for the kids telling me that no mother in her right mind would have let things get this bad. I had nothing to do with it, but you and I both know that doesn't mean anything to that arm of the government. This is worrying the hell out of me, and yet my pleas for answers to them go unanswered. This my friends is why I tell people to stay away from Foster Parenting, it isn't worth the toll on your heart and mind.

So dear readers, I reach out to you in my fragile state (sick as a dog on top of all of this) and ask if any of you know or are a Tax Attorney that can give me some advice on how to handle this, I would be more grateful then I would ever be able to express.

Just as I thought

9:00 Am Beta Blood out to the Lab.

Dr. OvaryWhisperer saw me in the hall and hugged me.

I told her about Clark's comments, and she replied that now was not the time to make decisions about these things with emotions still so raw.

They discussed me several times this week. They think that a new protocol may be needed.

I set my YouFailedIVF#5 appointment before I left.

February 20th.

I have 2 weeks to heal my heart and get my questions together before I face the review.

I have a few things to research, and discussions to have with Clark.

Off to the house.

1:39... Cell phone rings....

Dr. KnockedMeUpLastTime. He asked how I was, and I told him I was fine.

I asked how he was, and he replied that he was having a bad day.

I told him I was sorry and asked him why he was having a bad day.

He responded, "Because I am calling you with a Negative Beta result."

I told him it was ok I already knew, but I am sorry that I gave him a bad day.

He apologized again, and told me to make sure I come in to see Dr. OvaryWhisperer. I told him I would.

I was in the car with Clark and Turtle.

There were no tears.

Just silence.

Stunned Silence

Many times I have sat and wondered how much more he would take of this whole IF journey, and last night I found out.

As we cuddled on the couch after putting Turtle to bed, I mentioned to Clark that I had been looking into maybe doing acupuncture with this next cycle. In the moment after the comment left my mouth, I felt him tense up. I looked up at him, and he asked me..

"When is enough going to be enough?? I really hate what these drugs do to you, to us. Why can't you just be happy with the Turtle?? I honestly don't see you convincing me to do this again."

I had no words, and I got up before he could see my tears fall.

I stood in the kitchen and pulled out the PIO, loaded up the syringe, and then counted out my pills for the night. The tears were running down my face, and I knew if he saw them it would only prove his point.

He came into the kitchen and hugged me from behind. I have to admit that it wasn't as reassuring as I would have liked it to have been. I just turned to him and told him that I didn't have any answers for him right now.

After my shot, I sat in the dark in the living room and wept.

I knew he would reach the end, and I knew it would be before I did, I just didn't count on it being yesterday. I'm not there yet. I don't think I will be until it is forced to be over.

Beta is in the morning, and I have been working on my next cycle for 3 days now... contemplating. What can we change. What needs to stay the same... and so on. I know it is going to be negative, and in my heart and head I need to think about the next time in order to make it through the hurt and devastation that will come with the ringing of the phone tomorrow afternoon.

How can I make him understand what is in my heart?? How can I get him to see that I want more of what we have with Turtle. She has been the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, and I want and need more. I have said it before that I am addicted to this little girl, I would give my life for hers, and now that I have her, I cannot imagine the rest of my life without more.

I have actually been angry with myself a few times because I do know how content Clark is with just the Turtle, and I have asked myself why can't I just let it go. Why can't I just be happy with what I have. My heart answers me with no response.

It can't, it is in stunned silence to.

8 Years ago... A new begining.

As I laid on the gurney that would transport me to the OR, I was terrified. The surgeon was late, and they sent the Chaplin over to try to calm my nerves... yeah just what one who is undergoing MAJOR surgery needs to see... a Man of God. Please do not get me wrong here, but he was the last person I wanted to talk to just then.

My doc showed up, with a BoomBox on his shoulder, and I went night night.

They had to pry my fingers off the gurney rails in the OR to get me onto the table... the Doc still calls me WhiteKnuckles to this day!!

4 hours later I woke up, with rerouted innards, to see Clark sitting by my bed, and I knew everything was going to be ok.

Those first few weeks after were hard. I had to learn how to eat again, or should I say eat to live not live to eat.

I was 252 pounds of Me when I checked in that morning, and I will forever be that fat girl in my mind. She lives there always reminding me of how things used to be. I have lost many pounds, but I have not lost her. I can honestly say that she will be with me to the end, and that is really ok. She keeps me grounded. She helps me remember the struggle that this process has been, and why I did it in the first place.

This journey has been a long hard road, with many ups and downs, but it has been worth every second, because I truly believe that had not decided to have Gastric Bypass, there would be no Turtle. I know there would be no Me.

So here is to the past, the fat girl I was, and to the future, the possibilities.

Hormonal Trainwreck

I emailed Dr.OvaryWhisperer this morning after yet another negative test.

I asked her to let this end.

She told me to hang on until Friday.

Beta Day.

I may not make it that far.

I break down everytime I think about those 3 little guys. Then I look at the Turtle, and the reality of what I have lost really goes deep.

I really hate this crap, and along with it goes hating my own body for all that it refuses to do. I cannot understand for the life of me why it can't get with the freaking program. I am not asking it to do anything it wasn't built to do. Why do I even bother taking care of It when it won't take care of me??

I promised myself I wasn't going to do this, but everyday, every negative test brings all the anger, bitterness, and frustration right back up from the depths.

Clark hugged me last night and told me that he was sorry that we couldn't get this right. We. He never puts it all on me, and that may be the only thing, besides Turtle, keeping me from derailing right now.

I might need to be commited....

So, Turtle has turned a corner, and other then the NASTY green snot I seem to be getting by the bucket loads from her nose, she is feeling better.

Mommy on the other hand... Not. So. Much

I seem to have gotten what she had.

If that wasn't bad enough, today is 9dp3dt and I got nothing. Not a hint of a line, not a shadow, not even a somewhat suspicious evap line. Don't buy the T*rget brand if you can help it, they suck!!

Yeah, yeah it's early, but Hope left me standing in the sunshine this morning, and hasn't been back. I think that bitch is out getting High.

To be brutally honest with you after the events that played out in California this week, I may have to say goodbye to the IVF world. I am over the fact that freaks like her, drug addicts, and sorry excuses for human beings continue to be able to procreate, while I stand here heart broken and out 7 grand every cycle. I am sorry but it makes no fucking sense to me, and I am really of the mind that it may be time for me to stop trying to get it.

I know I have a living, breathing miracle right here in my own house, and I thank the heavens every day for her. I will credit her with saving my life for the rest of it. I cannot seem to get the desire to have another one out of my heart and soul, however, and that is what is doing me in. I honestly ask myself daily, "Why??" And I got nothing... ok well I have the Turtle, and her awesomeness makes me want more awesomeness, so I guess that is "Why".

As we go along this goal is getting harder to reach, and I am beginning to wonder if there wasn't some kind of "Intervention" when we got PG with the Turtle, and that was all we were going to get. This is the One, the Only, our Chance at biological parenthood. I am just not sure if I am able or ready to accept that She is all I get.

I guess I am a Greedy Bitch.