March 28, 2007

Geez, I am sorry...

I don't want anyone to think that Clark and I fight like that all the time because we don't really.

I guess in getting to the bottom of this whole thing I had to look at why he was so hurt by me not going with him. I think that this strong man that is my rock has finally gotten scared that he might not be OK, that this heart issue and high blood pressure thing might just get pretty serious, and I can see the fear in his eyes.

We have both been under a lot of stress with a few things that have been going on here in the Infertile house, and it had just gotten to both of us so much that we both snapped. I know that Clark feels that me working is a waste of time, but I love what I do, and it gets me out of the house, talking to people, and taking care of people who usually don't have anyone else there for them. So that I think has been irritating him, along with his medical issues.

For me the irritation has been with waiting for CB, and then finding out that when she came, she has messed up the plans for Kent's trip, because that day would be the day of my transfer. Got that taken care of though, so that is one less thing to worry about.

Yesterday I had to rush to the clinic because the CB came full force, and I hadn't ever gone up and gotten my pack of BCP's. While I was there, I talked to a few of the nurses, and they were all pretty happy, but very surprised to see me!! The consensus had been that I wouldn't come back!! Oh they don't know me very well!!! Today they IVF nurse called with my protocol:

April 5- Start L*pron
April 12- Stop BCP's
April 19- Start Stims

So retrieval and transfer should be the last week of April/ First week of May.

Holy shit is that fast or what??? I freaked out about the CD 14 L*pron start because last time it was day 21, but she told me that they wanted the extra suppression to try and avoid the OHSS, (Hey I am all for that!!) but they are starting me on 250 units of the F*llistim this time again because she said it is easier to go down then up. I guess that they are going to monitor me closer this time to, so there will be more visits then last time, but I can live with that. She told me that she knows that I am worried about the OHSS, but that I need to remember that there are women out there who get it every time no matter what they do. I guess I am fine with that to, because this time I know what to expect, and what to do to try to avoid it. So all in all I am happy to have this thing underway as the worry about CB was killing me, and I was getting ready to break down and ask for P*vera.

I have decided that I am going to stop smoking in the 1st of April. I owe it to myself, and the future little Infertiles to do it this time. I have done it in the past because Clark hated it, and always made rude comments about how I smelled, yada yada, but this time I am going to do it for me and the embies... I need to do it to, I hate the way that it makes me feel, but it is very hard to stop. My therapist told me to do some visualization stuff when I am craving a smoke, and see if that helps... hey if it works I will visualize all day!!!

So that is where we are, I am off to bed, because I have a LONG day tomorrow... goodnight Internets!!!!


Baby Blues said...

Good decision to stop smoking this April. I quit cold turkey at the start 2007, and I don't even have an urge anymore! Well I wasn't really a chain smoker, just a social smoker because all the friends I regularly hang out with smoke. I've inspired them, they plan to quit soon too.

I'll be checking on your cycle. Good luck!

Samantha said...

I'm sorry you've had so much emotional upheaval! You must be exhausted with everything. I know that D and I have had some fights regarding IF and it's tough when both of us are so emotionally invested. I'm glad so far Clark is doing okay with his health problems.

Glad you're going to try again and hope things are easier. You'll be about a week behind me.

Southern Comfortable said...

Good luck trying to quit smoking! I'm sure it will be tough, but worth it.