A few nights ago, I was talking to my MIL, and as usual she was was full of assvice. I guess in my wisdom I had forgotten to share the misery of our first IVF with her (note to self... that was a good thought, you should have followed through with it!!), and after I told her all about it, she of course tossed this tidbit at me... "Why don't you just give up?? I don't know why you keep doing this to yourself."
That got me to thinking.... Why do I keep doing this to myself?? My first thought was "Well shit it isn't like this is try number 10, and I have mortgaged everything we own to the hilt." This was IVF #1, and yeah it was a disaster, but really how could anyone even consider giving up after one flipping try?? I guess the way that she sees it is that we have been through so much in the 14 years that we have been TTC, that it must seem like a fairly mute point. To her. To me, it was the first time that we brought out the big guns, and that is what matters. I guess that if I had unexplained IF it might be a little harder to swallow, but at this point, I know that I have a 1% chance of ever conceiving naturally, and that is saying a lot since Clark has the sperm count of a champion. If I could go back to before I found out that I had severe endomitriosis, and live in the monthly hope that maybe, just maybe one of those little guys would hit a homer, and that would be all she wrote, I would. See, endo did me in. All this time I thought I was just working with shitty, hostile ovaries, but my Lap changed all that... physically, mentally, and emotionally.
For the first few weeks after surgery I prayed my ass off that I had been fixed, and that now I was going to pop a baby out like a pro in no time. Ah..... but we all know that old Endo has other things in store, and hence the tubes apparently had to take one for the team. I was left with the diagnosis that I was officially Broken, and no surgery could put me back together again. I was an Infertile Humpty Dumpty. All of the years of hurt and pain came at me full force like a flood, it nearly broke my heart, and my soul. I fell even further apart when my first attempt at L*pron failed so dismally.
I don't know just when it started, but in there somewhere after the L*pron fiasco, I started to change. It was just a thought here and there about how lucky I was to have even half of the things that I already had in life. I really slowed down and remembered how deeply I love Clark, and how our days are filled with so much fun, hugs, kisses, and laughter, and just how important that was to me. I thought about how each and every thing that Kent achieved made me smile like I was going to crack my face. I guess in there somewhere I realized that this was what was important to me..... Clark, Kent, and the life that we live, the love that we have. I knew deep in my heart that the thing that I thought I had been chasing all of these years I already had.
The one thing that I refuse to do is carry on into the future filled with regrets. I will not be 50 years old, and look back just to say... well maybe if we had done those last two cycles, I would be watching my child graduate from college right now. I refuse to do that to myself, Clark or Kent. I know regret, it is a terrible little monster, and I refuse to carry him with me for the rest of my life. I have been given this chance to have a dream come true, and there is no way that I am going to pass it up, but I am also prepared for the possibility that I may not get that dream at all. And that is OK. I can accept that. Honestly. I don't need a child to fulfill me, I want a child that we can share this wonderful life that we have with.
Will I cry if IVF#2 fails?? Sure. Will I cry if IVF#3 fails. Absolutely. I will be devistated, but I WILL pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with living my life. Three IVF's is it, that is my magic number, and to be honest I have already made plans that fit both contingencies, just for the sake of being prepared for the worst, but expecting the best.
So why do I do this to myself?? Because I have that little thing called Hope in my pocket, and I would love to pull her out and show the world how wrong they were!!!
What’s the word for one step past kintsukuroi?
6 hours ago