March 22, 2007


A few nights ago, I was talking to my MIL, and as usual she was was full of assvice. I guess in my wisdom I had forgotten to share the misery of our first IVF with her (note to self... that was a good thought, you should have followed through with it!!), and after I told her all about it, she of course tossed this tidbit at me... "Why don't you just give up?? I don't know why you keep doing this to yourself."

That got me to thinking.... Why do I keep doing this to myself?? My first thought was "Well shit it isn't like this is try number 10, and I have mortgaged everything we own to the hilt." This was IVF #1, and yeah it was a disaster, but really how could anyone even consider giving up after one flipping try?? I guess the way that she sees it is that we have been through so much in the 14 years that we have been TTC, that it must seem like a fairly mute point. To her. To me, it was the first time that we brought out the big guns, and that is what matters. I guess that if I had unexplained IF it might be a little harder to swallow, but at this point, I know that I have a 1% chance of ever conceiving naturally, and that is saying a lot since Clark has the sperm count of a champion. If I could go back to before I found out that I had severe endomitriosis, and live in the monthly hope that maybe, just maybe one of those little guys would hit a homer, and that would be all she wrote, I would. See, endo did me in. All this time I thought I was just working with shitty, hostile ovaries, but my Lap changed all that... physically, mentally, and emotionally.

For the first few weeks after surgery I prayed my ass off that I had been fixed, and that now I was going to pop a baby out like a pro in no time. Ah..... but we all know that old Endo has other things in store, and hence the tubes apparently had to take one for the team. I was left with the diagnosis that I was officially Broken, and no surgery could put me back together again. I was an Infertile Humpty Dumpty. All of the years of hurt and pain came at me full force like a flood, it nearly broke my heart, and my soul. I fell even further apart when my first attempt at L*pron failed so dismally.

I don't know just when it started, but in there somewhere after the L*pron fiasco, I started to change. It was just a thought here and there about how lucky I was to have even half of the things that I already had in life. I really slowed down and remembered how deeply I love Clark, and how our days are filled with so much fun, hugs, kisses, and laughter, and just how important that was to me. I thought about how each and every thing that Kent achieved made me smile like I was going to crack my face. I guess in there somewhere I realized that this was what was important to me..... Clark, Kent, and the life that we live, the love that we have. I knew deep in my heart that the thing that I thought I had been chasing all of these years I already had.

The one thing that I refuse to do is carry on into the future filled with regrets. I will not be 50 years old, and look back just to say... well maybe if we had done those last two cycles, I would be watching my child graduate from college right now. I refuse to do that to myself, Clark or Kent. I know regret, it is a terrible little monster, and I refuse to carry him with me for the rest of my life. I have been given this chance to have a dream come true, and there is no way that I am going to pass it up, but I am also prepared for the possibility that I may not get that dream at all. And that is OK. I can accept that. Honestly. I don't need a child to fulfill me, I want a child that we can share this wonderful life that we have with.

Will I cry if IVF#2 fails?? Sure. Will I cry if IVF#3 fails. Absolutely. I will be devistated, but I WILL pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with living my life. Three IVF's is it, that is my magic number, and to be honest I have already made plans that fit both contingencies, just for the sake of being prepared for the worst, but expecting the best.

So why do I do this to myself?? Because I have that little thing called Hope in my pocket, and I would love to pull her out and show the world how wrong they were!!!


sandy said...

Good for you!! What an inspiring & uplifting entry!

Samantha said...

It's hard, with IF, to really know what's enough, so that if things don't end up working out, you don't look back and feel that regret. Different people have different levels of comfort. While your MIL might not be able handle that sort of treatment herself, what's important is what you feel is best. It looks like you've found that balance, despite the difficulties of the first cycle and previous diagnoses.

Southern Comfortable said...

It sounds to me like you have exactly the right attitude, and I think it's wise to realize what you can and can't control. If you know that you would regret not trying two more cycles, well, that's something you can control. You can prevent the regret by doing two more cycles. And when you're dealing with IF, you have to take what control you can get, right?

cpl160 said...

You go girl. I was told so many times to give up too. I hate it when someone who already has children says to just give up, like what if they had never had their child(ren)? They have no clue...... It's no use trying to explain it though. If they don't get it now, they never will. Anyhow, I LOVE your attitude and I hope and pray that your dream does come true. You deserve that and so much more.