Geez, I am sorry...

I don't want anyone to think that Clark and I fight like that all the time because we don't really.

I guess in getting to the bottom of this whole thing I had to look at why he was so hurt by me not going with him. I think that this strong man that is my rock has finally gotten scared that he might not be OK, that this heart issue and high blood pressure thing might just get pretty serious, and I can see the fear in his eyes.

We have both been under a lot of stress with a few things that have been going on here in the Infertile house, and it had just gotten to both of us so much that we both snapped. I know that Clark feels that me working is a waste of time, but I love what I do, and it gets me out of the house, talking to people, and taking care of people who usually don't have anyone else there for them. So that I think has been irritating him, along with his medical issues.

For me the irritation has been with waiting for CB, and then finding out that when she came, she has messed up the plans for Kent's trip, because that day would be the day of my transfer. Got that taken care of though, so that is one less thing to worry about.

Yesterday I had to rush to the clinic because the CB came full force, and I hadn't ever gone up and gotten my pack of BCP's. While I was there, I talked to a few of the nurses, and they were all pretty happy, but very surprised to see me!! The consensus had been that I wouldn't come back!! Oh they don't know me very well!!! Today they IVF nurse called with my protocol:

April 5- Start L*pron
April 12- Stop BCP's
April 19- Start Stims

So retrieval and transfer should be the last week of April/ First week of May.

Holy shit is that fast or what??? I freaked out about the CD 14 L*pron start because last time it was day 21, but she told me that they wanted the extra suppression to try and avoid the OHSS, (Hey I am all for that!!) but they are starting me on 250 units of the F*llistim this time again because she said it is easier to go down then up. I guess that they are going to monitor me closer this time to, so there will be more visits then last time, but I can live with that. She told me that she knows that I am worried about the OHSS, but that I need to remember that there are women out there who get it every time no matter what they do. I guess I am fine with that to, because this time I know what to expect, and what to do to try to avoid it. So all in all I am happy to have this thing underway as the worry about CB was killing me, and I was getting ready to break down and ask for P*vera.

I have decided that I am going to stop smoking in the 1st of April. I owe it to myself, and the future little Infertiles to do it this time. I have done it in the past because Clark hated it, and always made rude comments about how I smelled, yada yada, but this time I am going to do it for me and the embies... I need to do it to, I hate the way that it makes me feel, but it is very hard to stop. My therapist told me to do some visualization stuff when I am craving a smoke, and see if that helps... hey if it works I will visualize all day!!!

So that is where we are, I am off to bed, because I have a LONG day tomorrow... goodnight Internets!!!!

We had a fight...

Clark and I that is... Geez, why are men so freaking complex some days??

Clark had his follow-up on Friday morning at the VA hospital, so we got up at 5:30, and he told me I looked pretty tuff. I just told him I was tired and wanted to go back to bed. I asked him if he had started the coffee, and he said no because he had to fast, so I told him that I would start some for me while he was in the shower. Off I went to start the coffee, and sneak out to smoke... yeah yeah I know more on that later.... Well, after that I went and sat down on the couch waiting for him to get out of the shower, at some point I fell asleep, and when I woke up, Clark was gone, and Kent was going out the door to get on the bus..... WTF??!! I tried calling his cell a few times, and he never answered. Well, about 12:30 he still wasn't home, so I decided to go out smoke, get showered, and head to the nail salon. Just as I was getting out of the shower in walks Clark. He didn't say a word to me at all, got something out of the closet, and walked out of the bathroom. When I finished getting out if the shower and got dressed I went looking for him, because it was obvious that he was pissed off about something. When I found him I asked him what was wrong, to which he replied "If you don't already know then there is no point talking about it." I just looked at him and asked him why he left me sleeping on the couch instead of waking me up, to that he replied, "If I was really that important to you you would have kept your ass awake!!" To say that I was stunned is an understatement. I started crying and told him that I have been very worried about him and this whole heart issue, and that I really did want to go, but that I haven't been sleeping well and he knew that, so he should cut me a little slack... not to mention I am sooooo not a morning person. Well, he got really pissed, and just started yelling at me about how I was just pretending to be upset, that I really hadn't wanted to go anyway, and that he thought I was one hell of an actress... Uh OK jackass now it is on!!! I looked him right in the face and told him that I wasn't acting, and if he wanted to be an ass then he should remember all the times I have asked him to come to appointments, and he couldn't be bothered, like the day after my wonderful visit to the ER, 2 days after transfer, when I had to drive over an hour to go see the RE because they were so worried about the OHSS. He told me that he really didn't want to go and then he stayed home and slept all freaking day when I spent 4 hours get wanded, blood letted, and sitting in the office freaking out... and it was a Saturday!! Well, that comment didn't go over well, and he told me that since I felt that way that I could go to my next retrieval, and transfer alone. Uh OK, I need you there jackass. Then he just walked away. Well, nothing pisses me off more then when he does that shit, and I am not done with him, so I followed him right out the door, and to the shed. He gets on the riding mower, starts it up, and proceeded to try to back up into me. I moved, and he drove off with me yelling at him to get off the damn thing and talk to me. He just ignored me, so I picked up a tire (our dogs play with our old lawnmower tires) and threw it at him. It hit the back of the mower and bounced off, but he just kept going. I walked back to the house, and up the steps to go in, when I hear him yell... "Yeah you are so freaking mature." I looked right at him, and said that I knew that he had seen me smoking, and that I didn't care if he thought I was mature or not, and then I picked up a spray bottle and threw that at him to... good thing he caught it, cuz I was aiming for his head!! See, at that point I saw where his car was parked, and I was pretty pissed because I knew that he had been home well before I had known it, but that he had hidden his car, and been in the garage since just after 11:30. So, when I went out to smoke, he had seen me through the windows.

(I smoked for most of my life... Hell I smoked as a fetus if you want to get down right technical about it, but I actually started smoking at the age of 13. Both my parents, step parents, and all 4 grandparents smoke or smoked, so I was predisposed to do it. I actually quit in October, and just had so much on my plate with Clark's issues, and stress that I broke down and had one.... and that was all she wrote. Normally I don't keep things from Clark, but I was embarrassed that I had failed at something that I so wanted to be able to follow through on, and he HATES it that I smoke. So for a week now I hadn't said anything, and I know that he was angry that I had started again. It isn't easy having a vice like that hanging over your head all the time, and I hate being a smoker, but not enough to be able to quit apparently. UGH )

So, Clark went on mowing the lawn, and I got dressed, got in my van, and left. I was still crying, and knew I was in no shape to drive to town, so I went down our road to a boat launch, and just sat there for an hour crying. I finally got up and went back to the house, and we sat and talked about everything. I told him that he needed to say he was sorry for the shit that he yelled at me unfairly, and I apologized for throwing the tire, and the bottle. He did, and I did, and we kissed and "Made Up"!!!!

I just can't figure him out though, if he wanted me to go so badly why in the hell didn't he wake me up???? Good lord we could have avoided the whole thing if he had just swallowed his pride and done one simple little thing!!!! UGH

He is fine though, and he actually got mad and left because the nurse left him sitting in the waiting room for an hour while she supposedly went to talk to his doctor. I told him that was kinda dumb, that he should have stayed, but I agree with him to... that kind of shit is so typical of the VA hospitals!!! He told me that he is just going to start seeing a civilian doc for all his stuff instead of fighting with them. It can take him up to 6-9 weeks to get a 15 minute appointment, so the aggravation isn't worth it, that and most of the docs are idiots!

My job called me on Friday and I have a new case, it is only 3 hours a day, M-F, but it is perfect for me. I started today, and I like them. They are a very cute couple. I am also doing another case every other weekend for 2 hours on Saturday and Sunday, from 7-9 AM, that one is going to kill me!! LOL, Clark said I could come home and nap after though!!!

Soooo for the big news of the DAY!!!!!! I have hunted down the Crimson Bitch!!! CD 1 tomorrow!!!! I started to spot this afternoon, and am working on the rest. Geez the cramps though.... freaking killing me!!! Tomorrow, I have to head to the clinic early to get more BCP's as I have been procrastinating and hadn't gotten any before now, so it will be a mad dash in the morning to get all my shit done before work. I am soooo ready to get this cycle underway and over with no matter what the outcome!! LOL I guess that explains why I was such a Cow this weekend to!! Oh well, PMS is the best excuse I can use right now, because being Lame has been used to death!!

Acceptance.....

A few nights ago, I was talking to my MIL, and as usual she was was full of assvice. I guess in my wisdom I had forgotten to share the misery of our first IVF with her (note to self... that was a good thought, you should have followed through with it!!), and after I told her all about it, she of course tossed this tidbit at me... "Why don't you just give up?? I don't know why you keep doing this to yourself."

That got me to thinking.... Why do I keep doing this to myself?? My first thought was "Well shit it isn't like this is try number 10, and I have mortgaged everything we own to the hilt." This was IVF #1, and yeah it was a disaster, but really how could anyone even consider giving up after one flipping try?? I guess the way that she sees it is that we have been through so much in the 14 years that we have been TTC, that it must seem like a fairly mute point. To her. To me, it was the first time that we brought out the big guns, and that is what matters. I guess that if I had unexplained IF it might be a little harder to swallow, but at this point, I know that I have a 1% chance of ever conceiving naturally, and that is saying a lot since Clark has the sperm count of a champion. If I could go back to before I found out that I had severe endomitriosis, and live in the monthly hope that maybe, just maybe one of those little guys would hit a homer, and that would be all she wrote, I would. See, endo did me in. All this time I thought I was just working with shitty, hostile ovaries, but my Lap changed all that... physically, mentally, and emotionally.

For the first few weeks after surgery I prayed my ass off that I had been fixed, and that now I was going to pop a baby out like a pro in no time. Ah..... but we all know that old Endo has other things in store, and hence the tubes apparently had to take one for the team. I was left with the diagnosis that I was officially Broken, and no surgery could put me back together again. I was an Infertile Humpty Dumpty. All of the years of hurt and pain came at me full force like a flood, it nearly broke my heart, and my soul. I fell even further apart when my first attempt at L*pron failed so dismally.

I don't know just when it started, but in there somewhere after the L*pron fiasco, I started to change. It was just a thought here and there about how lucky I was to have even half of the things that I already had in life. I really slowed down and remembered how deeply I love Clark, and how our days are filled with so much fun, hugs, kisses, and laughter, and just how important that was to me. I thought about how each and every thing that Kent achieved made me smile like I was going to crack my face. I guess in there somewhere I realized that this was what was important to me..... Clark, Kent, and the life that we live, the love that we have. I knew deep in my heart that the thing that I thought I had been chasing all of these years I already had.

The one thing that I refuse to do is carry on into the future filled with regrets. I will not be 50 years old, and look back just to say... well maybe if we had done those last two cycles, I would be watching my child graduate from college right now. I refuse to do that to myself, Clark or Kent. I know regret, it is a terrible little monster, and I refuse to carry him with me for the rest of my life. I have been given this chance to have a dream come true, and there is no way that I am going to pass it up, but I am also prepared for the possibility that I may not get that dream at all. And that is OK. I can accept that. Honestly. I don't need a child to fulfill me, I want a child that we can share this wonderful life that we have with.

Will I cry if IVF#2 fails?? Sure. Will I cry if IVF#3 fails. Absolutely. I will be devistated, but I WILL pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with living my life. Three IVF's is it, that is my magic number, and to be honest I have already made plans that fit both contingencies, just for the sake of being prepared for the worst, but expecting the best.

So why do I do this to myself?? Because I have that little thing called Hope in my pocket, and I would love to pull her out and show the world how wrong they were!!!

Oh Yeah....

I almost forgot, Thanks for all of the comments on the Hand Slap post. I still have not heard back from the offending "Specialist", and am not sure that I will. I love ya Lisa!! Yes Heidi, humor can make even the shittiest days worth living!! So Co, and Samantha, yeah OHSS does suck, and that is in fact the point I was making... glad someone got it!! :o) BTW Samantha, I did get the clarification that I was looking for from Clark, he told me that "Of course he was on board, with sex like that promised every night if he was, HE WAS!!!!" Just kidding, he did say that, but that was after we had already talked it over, and he said he just doesn't like seeing me hurt, but if it was important to me then it was just as important to him. I really hope that he meant that, because I could hardly walk this morning!! :oP~~~~

The first day of Spring....

Well, it has come and gone, and it was cold here most of the day so that was pretty odd for me, however tonight one of the true signs of spring here in the south (well our part anyway) returned... FrogSong... That is what I call it. It is when the frogs and toads start "singing" again. I used to hate it when we would visit Clark's relatives because it was annoying, but now I love it. It is like my own white noise machine. It also means that spring is back!! For most of the country spring is real when the robins return, but they never really leave here, although with as cold as it was this last winter I did see far fewer of them, not that I blame them it was cold as hell here!!

I wanted to tell you about a few things that happened this week:

Things that made me happy:

1. Kent cut his hair.... this was all part of a larger plot on my behalf... He has a terrible crush on this girl, and I am friends with her mother. Well, when I found out that Kent wanted to ask her to his big dance at the end of the year I told her mom that he was going to ask, and if she could tell her daughter to try to get Kent to cut his hair... OMG it worked, he called to ask her the other night, and she said she would be honored to go, as long as he cut his hair. He got it done tonight, and it was not as short as I had hoped, but the dance isn't until June 1st, so I will get him to "trim" it again before then!!! I know I am terrible, but it was looking pretty straggly!! His hair is terribly thin, and it just looks bad long!! One point for mom, even if I was devious getting it!!!
2. Kent got his Spring pictures back, and they looked really good!! He usually takes horrible pictures, and has told me that he does it on purpose because he hates getting them done.... trust me our X-mas card is always a freaking CHORE!!!
3. I got a call this week to do a private duty case, that will pay better then what I am already making, and the couple sounds really great, so i hope that it pans out. The only issue that I can see is that she wants me to work days, and that may interfere with my next cycle, but I am hoping that we can work around it.
4. There seems to be a new member of the Infertile household... her name is Sheba, and she is the cutest little kitty. We found her as a stray and I ended up finding out that she was dropped off at the stables behind our house. Well, they didn't want her back, and we were going to find a home for her, but Clark has fallen fast in love with her, so I guess she will be staying!! I think she has "species confusion" though, she hates our other cats, but LOVES the Rotties, and actually acts more like a dog then a damn cat anyway... how sad, but very amusing to tell you the truth!!!

Things that made me Not So Happy:

1. I have not heard back from my agency about anymore cases, and they are giving me the general feeling that they aren't interested in giving me anymore work. I plan on calling them in the morning to see just what in the hell is up because I have never worked for a place and not been called for over a week. The need for good CNA's is outrageous, and I cannot imagine them not even having a fill in situation for me. Hmmm.
2. Two of my female Rotties are in heat, and the two males are going to drive me to DRINK!!! Both of the males are fixed, but you would never know it the way they lust after the girls. When I told the vet about it he just laughed and said "Well you can take the testicles out of them, but you can't take the Male out of them", yeah I see that now!! The funniest part is that one of the males is a mini Doxie, and he has been busting his ass trying to get one of those girls to "Let him have it"!! It is the funniest thing to see I SWEAR!!!! The part that gets on my nerves is the constant growling and barking that the two males do to each other... OK well that is kinda funny to, loud and annoying but funny, not that the little one has a snowballs chance in hell to win that fight if it happened!!!
3. Clark got some bad news at the docs and I am trying to take it all in. He has had high blood pressure for years, and has been on tons of meds to control it, but so far they haven't had much of a effect. Well when he went to the doc on Friday they told him that something didn't sound right and put him on an EKG machine. Well, sure enough he was tachycardic, and had an abnormal rhythm. So they have put him on even more drugs, and told him that he HAS to lose weight or his heart is going to kill him in the next 10 years. First of all, that kinda pissed me off because the man is not FAT at all, he is overweight, but not obese by any terms. He eats well, and exercises, but high blood pressure runs in his family. So he has been taking these new meds that make him feel like hell, he can't sleep, and he has been very cranky this last week. I am scared for us.
4. I have a cousin who I am very close to that is graduating in May, and I am not going to be able to go. The whole family is going home for this, and I will be stuck on a trip to DC/Baltimore that I really don't want to go on. The trip is for Kent's school, and is going to cost me about $700.00. I have to go because of his special needs, not that I don't want him to go, but I think that the dates were very poorly planned, not to mention they will miss 2 days of school to go. Clark can't go because one of us has to stay here with the animals, and in order to lower some of the cost of the room, on of the other Mother/son teams that is going, agreed to room with us, saving us over 100 bucks each. But still... UGH!!

I did something this last week and a half that I couldn't have done just a year ago. I spoke a few weeks ago about a baby shower that I hosted for a friend, well she has had some issues the last say 5 weeks, and has to go in 2 days a week for NST's, and monitoring. Well, her hubby has been unable to go, so I have been going with her the last 3 visits. I have to admit that the Belly's in the waiting room are a little bit of a hard one to swallow, but I forget all about it once I am back in the room with her, and I get to hear her little mans heart beating away. That is the most amazing sound on the planet!!! I consider this a big step for me because of the last years diagnosis' and how it has completely changed my Infertility battle, and I really wasn't sure that I was ready, but she is my friend, and I love her, not to mention it isn't her fault that she is fertile and I am not. So I go, and I enjoy joking with her, and hearing that heart beating away. One sad thing that happened the other day though was that she got sent to L&D at the hospital, and while we were in the room, a lady came in who was due June 4th, and they were pretty sure she was losing her baby. I overheard her telling the nurse that this was an IVF baby, and that they had waited 12 years for this little girl, so could they please do everything they could to help her. I wanted to go hug her, give her a shoulder to cry on, let her know I felt at least some of her pain, and make sure that she was ok. When we left she was still there, and she and her husband were crying. I am not sure what happened, but I have been sending a prayer to that unknown "sister in arms" every time I think of her since.

So long for now, it is late, and I am getting tired!!!

I almost forgot...

I have been having a hard time leaving comments on some blogs just recently. I am not sure if it is Sorry Ass Windows Vista screwing me or what, but I didn't want any of you to think that I was forgeting about you!! I will just try to email you if I have issues with leaving comments for ya!! Hugs to everyone, and have a FANFREAKINGTASTIC MONDAY!!!!

Virtual Hand Slap...

Remember when I told you all I was extremely Assertive??? Well I actually told someone off in an email 2 days ago, and have been simmering about it every since. See when I posted "Dummies Guide to OHSS",I had no idea who was reading my blog. I don't have any fancy trackers or counter or anything like that to keep track of my visitors, so when I got an email from someone who had read the Dummies post, I opened it just as I would any of the comments that I get right from my Blog... oh boy was this person pissed (and to that person... just as I told you in my response, I am going to share your emailed opinion)!!! I was literally hand slapped and handed my ass for making light of a serious medical condition that can kill people. Well, I don't see where you thought I did that, because I in no uncertain way said that OHSS was funny, or fun for that fact of the matter. It actually SUCKS, and if you had gone back further, I am assuming that you haven't hit my archives, then you would know how I felt about that very shitty experience!!! First of all, I am very curious to know just what your title really is, because Infertility Specialist really doesn't narrow it down enough for me... I mean are you and RE, an IVF Nurse, or just someone who has done 20 cycles, and considers herself a bit of an expert?? It would be nice to know just where it is that you stand in your "specialty". For the record there is NOTHING, and I do mean NOTHING that I find even remotely funny or amusing about Infertility. I have been on this "boat" for 14 long years, and if I even for one minute found even one thing getting funny, it would have to be time for me to hang up my baby dreams!! Infertility is a daily part of my life, and I just happen to be one of those people who try to find some humor in the bad parts of their lives, so that having that part doesn't consume me or ruin me totally. Do I really know what it is like to shit a razor blade?? No, but somehow I don't think you do either "Specialist", so if you feel that you cannot handle my little attempt at trying to lighten a terrible situation, then you should just give up reading this blog!! Nuff said!!

Now on to important things.....

The work situation has somewhat resolved itself... they discharged the lady from the agency, and she has lost her funding. So why is it that I feel like a giant asshole?? Because now there is the possibility that there will be no one looking out for this woman, and that makes me feel like I should have just kept my mouth shut. I know that she isn't my family and I don't owe her, but that is the sense of obligation I feel about this whole thing. She deserves to be treated with respect, and taken care of, and I fear that now she won't be. I know that I have guilt issues, and that is something that I struggle with a lot in all aspects of my life not just this one. A dear friend told me that I did the right thing (so did my therapist), but I still cannot help feeling like I let her down. UGH

The CB still is not here, and we are now at CD41. I had a VERY long chat with Clark about the state of our "family" about a week ago, and he was still "fence sitting" about the whole thing, so I had a long talk with myself, and had decided that I was going to have a really serious heart to heart with him, and that if he wasn't on board all the way then I guess that we would be done. Well tonight we went out for dinner, and I got the stunner of a life time..... He asked me if I wanted to leave when a table of 4 pregnant ladies was seated right next to us (even thought neither he or Kent were done eating) but I just told him that I was fine, and looked away, to which he asked me when I was planning on going back to the doc about the next IVF... "UH well I am still waiting on the CB, you know that", I told him. So then he gets this concentrating look on his face, and I ask him what in the hell he is thinking about, to which I get this "Well, I was thinking that since you will have to wait for the CB, then be on the BCP's for 21 days before the L*pron, then it will be like another 3 weeks before ER and ET, then it will be close to winter before you finally start getting miserable." To which I gave him a BLANK stare... how on God's Green Earth could this man know all of that, and not be on board?? So, I asked him if he meant that it would be getting cold around the time I would be getting big and uncomfortable if I got pregnant this cycle... to which I get, "Of course that is what I meant, I mean it is going to work for us this time you know." Good Lord, this man is going to drive me to drink I swear!!! I am still going to talk to him again, but I think that I got my clearance for this next cycle, don't you??

The Infertile Dummies Guide to OHSS

Well, after much discussion about how much out there is really not known by my fellow infertiles about OHSS, I decided to create this post. I got no help from the medical community when it came to intense terror that I felt when I was diagnosed with OHSS, all I got was you will get better. It really seems that unless and RE has actually gone through it then they just have medical literature to go on when telling you what you will experience. I have thought about this a lot over the last few sleepless nights, and decided that we need a "Dummies" guide to OHSS, so here is my attempt at.......

"The Infertile Dummies Guide To OHSS"

The way this will be written is the "Medical" description, and then mine.....

Welcome to this addition in the "Dummies" series... today you will learn about what OHSS is, and what happens to your already jacked up body when you get it.

So, you have come to that point in your journey where you have attained the shear joy of stabbing yourself with needles on a daily basis chasing that very elusive object.... A Baby. The drugs are a fun little mixture to make your ovaries give up the eggs, but they can also wreak a lot of havoc on your body as a whole... Having fun yet?? Aside from the normal side effects of doing an injectables cycle which include but are not limited to: Nausea, diarrhea, headaches, general bitchiness, being tired non stop, and the inevitable anxiety attacks. There are also now in the mix almost daily trips to the RE for Bloodwork, and Wandings (My favorite by far) and if the office is far you will be forced to get up at the ass crack of dawn just to get there before all the other infertiles sharing this wonderful event with you. We all know the early bird gets the worm!! You will also be told that you have a new thing to look out for, as if there isn't enough already on your plate, called OHSS. The medical community will tell you that your risk is slight, 1-2% per medicated cycle, well I say they are way off on that estimate!! There are 3 stages of this wonderful little side effect the first of which is:

Mild OHSS

Symptoms include:

1. Abdominal bloating and feeling of fullness: Yeah most of us have this issue with all of our cycles right, so it is just mild right now.
2. Nausea: Most if not all of the drugs can contribute to this fee, but then so can bad fish... but it is still mild.
3. Diarrhea: Well hell most of us on Metformin have this all the time anyway, so your drugs are causing this to.... still mild.
4. Slight weight gain: Ok, is it just me, or does this Mildness sound like a pretty normal cycle all the way around?? I know for me it does, but then I have never had a normal cycle in my life, so I am just guessing here.

Recommendations at this level for relief of symptoms include:

1. Avoid sexual intercourse- I don't think that I needed to be told that one, but boy DH sure does!!
2. Do not have a vaginal (pelvic) exam other than by one of our physicians: Uh so the 3 wandings a week that I am already having isn't enough and you think I want to sign up for more? Yeah right!!
3. Reduce activities, no heavy lifting, straining or exercise: Makes sense... I didn't do it before this cycle so why start now??
4. Drink clear fluids, flat coke, ginger ale, cranberry juice, Gatorade or Ensure. I already did this one just because that is part of my "Living healthy to have a baby" plan.

So now you might have noticed that we are working in stages here so on to the next one...

Moderate OHSS

Symptoms include:

1. Weight gain of greater than 2 lbs. per day (excessive weight gain)- Here is where the fun starts. I have a real issues with gaining any freaking weight period!! You will think that you had to have gotten up and eaten half of the fridge the night before.
2. Increased abdominal measurement causing clothes to feel tight- Uh yeah that goes right along with the weight gain.... you will start to look like you ate to well at the buffet last night!!
3. Vomiting & diarrhea- Always a joy to stand at the toilet and worry about which end you need to hover over the seat... but it usually doesn't matter as if it comes out one end the chance is there that it will also come out the other end as you retch you brains out.
4. Urine is darker and amount is less- Yeah, this can be an issue with the amount of fluids you are already trying to keep down, so you put them in, but they don't come out.... interesting.
5. Skin/hair may feel dry- I personally didn't have this issue, but I know people who have and they warned me that it feels like you rolled in poison ivy.
6. Thirst- Yeah, I am trying to put as much in my mouth as I can, but I still feel like my mouth is a parched desert, no fun, esp. when to hot or to cold will upset that already pissed of stomach of yours.

So, you have now reached a level where things start to get a little more serious, so if you have any of the above symptoms, I highly recommend you start bugging the hell out of the RE's staff...

1. You may need to be seen by a physician who will do an ultrasound- Ack yet more ultrasounds are you kidding??
2. Record your weight twice daily- Yeah I am loving all this weight shit they are tossing at me!!
3. Record the number of times you urinate each day- That is if you can even go!! Short list for me!!
4. Contact your RE's office if you note a five pound weight gain over the previous 24 hours, note a drop in the frequency of urination (~50%), or increasing pelvic pain. Now this is where the real fun starts... pelvic pain... Uh yeah because by now your ovaries are the size of little oranges, so there will be more then a little discomfort, in fact you will feel like someone put a bowling ball in your pelvis and told you not to move it. You had better start scouting your not so thin friends out for clothes, or succumb to wearing sweat pants for the next week or so.

Reasons for these symptoms include:

2. High levels of hormones in the bloodstream upset the digestive system. No SHIT
3. Fluid imbalance causes dehydration because body fluids collect in the abdomen and other tissues. This fluid collection causes severe bloating. As I said above, get ready for your sweats!!!

So now you have hit the big time, you have been diagnosed with Severe OHSS, oh the fun you are having....

Severe OHSS

Symptoms Include:

1. Fullness/bloating up above the belly button- Fullness is not the word I have for it, my word is damn I look freaking pregnant, and not just a little, but A LOT!!! 7 months pregnant as what I looked like, but it was odd, because it was only from the belly button up... how odd looking it was naked, but with clothes on I really looked very pregnant.
2. Shortness of breath- Yeah you will have problems breathing because your ovaries are now the size of grapefruits, and they are jamming every other organ you own right up in to your chest cavity... Slow deep breaths feel like hell, but hey a girl has to breathe right??!!
3. Urination has reduced or stopped and become darker- Yeah, hang up your list because you will now feel like someone stuffed a cork up your urinary track, and even if you didn't constantly feel like you had to pee, you start to think you may never actually urinate again. Oh yeah and actually doing so gives you little to no freaking relief... I highly recommend investing in some Poise pads at this point, because every little movement seems to squeeze the tiny bit of urine in your bladder right out!!
4. Calf pains and chest pains- I didn't have the calf pains, but to say that the chest pains felt like an elephant was sitting on top me is an understatement!! The only way to relive this problem was to lay in my recliner and lay back to try to take some of the pressure off my poor lungs and ribs by giving them a little more room.... I thought about what I could tell you that would make you relate to this one, and I came up with this: you all know the scene from Aliens where the guy is laid out on the table, and the alien is busting out of the guys chest, yeah well that is it, my ribs felt like there was an alien under them trying to bust out!!
5. Marked abdominal bloating or distention- Uh yeah, I think that we have been over this... your skin will actually start to hurt the bigger that you get. Eating becomes a fun little chore that you will have to endure. Due to everything pushing upwards, it will be very hard for you to even eat a normal sized meal, hell I was pureeing chicken noodle soup so that I could drink it and keep it down!!
6. Lower abdominal pain- Gee you think?? I was so sure that my uterus was trying to crawl out of my vagina that I actually had to look twice. They tell me that it is normal to experience this pain, and I got good drugs, but let me tell you one thing they don't warn you about.... Depending on how your retrieval is done, I am sure most are vaginally now, mine was, you will literally feel like you are trying to crap razor blades every time you try to pass gas or engage in the ever so elusive bowel movement. I have to assume that this is due to all of the swelling and discomfort from your swollen ovaries trying to push everything else in your pelvis out of their way. At first I thought that this pain was in my colon, but now I realize that it had to have been where my vagina was sore from the humongous needle they used to aspirate my follicles... but it really does feel like you are trying to shit razor blades I SWEAR!!!

Reasons for the above symptoms include:

1. Extremely large ovaries- Really??? I never would have noticed if you hadn't mentioned it to me!! Hell I feel like I have cantalopes for ovaries, so I guess they are extremely large!!!
2. Fluid collects in lungs and/or abdominal cavity, as well as in tissues- This is where you start freaking about the weight gain... I gained 20 pounds in 3-4 days. At this point you will start getting dirty looks from your fellow infertiles when they see you in the waiting room, as I am sure they are wondering why your very pregnant looking ass is sitting in their waiting room, reminding them of their reason for being there, and you will want to jump up and scream at the top of your lungs that you not in fact pregnant as far as you know and that they should live in the hell you are going through!!!

Possible solutions to the above:

1. You may need to be assessed at the hospital - Hmmm you think?? By this point your blood pressure can be pretty high, and you might start feeling very lightheaded every time that you sit up to fast.
2. Excess fluid may need to be removed from your abdominal cavity- I didn't quite make it to this, but I begged for it honestly. I had heard that you feel instantly better when they drain you, and that is all I was after... Instant gratification.

Now you have hit the big time, and you are really feeling like hell and praying to the powers that be that you will NEVER piss them off and do another IVF/Medicated cycle as long as you live!! I will tell you now the one thing that I swore if it got said to me one more time that I would punch the doctor in the face..... You Will Get Better. I cannot tell you how sick I got of that phrase being tossed at me every other day for 2 weeks, but it does turn a corner, and you will start getting better!! When my fluid started to get back into my blood stream, it all went to my legs... in fact all 20 pounds were in my legs, and that scared the living hell out of me. My ankles disappeared, my toes looked like little sausages, and it hurt to walk or even move. The best thing that you can do is rest and put your feet up to get the fluid out of them. When you finally start to pee again, you are getting better, and trust me pee you will. I lost 20 pounds in 2 days. If your period starts, you will likely begin to feel better. Pregnancy may prolong or exaggerate these side effects. I can tell you that the fact that I could have gotten worse had I gotten pregnant actually made me happy on some levels that I hadn't... OK well that isn't entirely true, but I couldn't imagine going on with the hell I was in for up to 12 weeks!! I would have lost my damn mind!!

Granted, I pray that none of you ever have to experience this OHSS Beast, but if you do may you now be better prepared for what is coming your way!!

Such is my life...

Well, still no CB, and I am getting pissy now, I want her here YESTERDAY!!! Oh well what is a little more waiting after almost 15 years??? UGH!!!

So, I went to the office today to turn in some of the paperwork that they needed, and told the head nurse about my experience Friday, and she was stunned, said that I shouldn't have to put up with that, and that she would be making some calls. She actually told me thank you for bringing the things that had happened to her attention because they needed to be addressed ASAP. I also found out that the woman that I care for is NOT supposed to be left alone period, and I know 2 of the nights that I worked she was left alone for several hours after I left. I guess for the life of me I cannot figure out how someone could treat their loved ones like that, but it is obvious that the granddaughter resents the fact that she is being left in charge of her grand mother. There were a few other things that happened on Friday that I didn't write for the sheer fact that they are against the law, and I looked right in the face of my boss today after all was said and done and told her that I would go back, but that if this girl continued being a cow, that I could call her job about a urine test, and CPS... that should give you a little hint about some of it. I get sick when I see people mistreating the one thing that I want more then anything, esp. when they came by it so easy. So anyway, I won't know anything until late tomorrow about all of that, but I don't think that they are going to send me back again. Clark told me tonight that I should call CPS just on the principal of what I saw, but I haven't decided about that yet, only because I worry that this girl knows where I live, and my phone #, and after Friday I wouldn't put it past her to try to show up here and cause some issues.... don't worry they aren't beating the poor kid, or I would have already made that call. I just really feel angry that I have been put in the middle of all of this bullshit when all I wanted to do was make a little side money, and keep my license up!!

Today we had a little anniversary of sorts here in the Infertile house... It was 5 years ago today that Kent came to live with us!! It has been a long five years, but looking back today I can't imagine where the time has gone!! It has been like he went from 10 to 15 overnight. He has gone from being a tiny 55 pound, bedridden, overly medicated, and basically unhappy child to this smart, funny, independent, amazingly intelligent, wonderful young man!! Oh not to mention that he tips the scales now at 110 pounds!!! I am so very proud of the man that he is becoming, and even prouder that I have the chance to be his MOM!! I really couldn't have asked for a better kid if I had given birth to him, and even though we have our bad days, he is the light of my life, and the one reason that I love being his mom!!! So here is to the next five years, and all the "fun" it promises to bring..... He starts High School in the fall!! LOL

On a good note Faith over at Keeping the Faith got some AWESOME news yesterday, so head over and give her a high five!!!

What a BEAUTIFUL Weekend!!!

Yes it was an amazingly beautiful weekend here in the South!!! Ahh so it was a time of YARD WORK!!! Clark decided that we needed to clear our back field... OK some of it... where we had thrown all the trees that we cut down 2 Falls ago... good lord what a freaking chore!!! I worked like a dog helping him, and the muscle pain has set in now that I am sitting still!!! We spent 4 hours clearing the trees, burning grass, and then burning the trees. By the time we got done we looked like a pair of Coal Miners, and smelled like a bon fire!!! I would love to just toss a match in the other 2 acres that we have, but that would be bad as I don't think the neighbors would agree with getting their land cleared like that!!! Oh well, we are really hoping that the people who manage the barn behind us will go ahead and clear it for pasture, like we told them they could, then I won't have to burn or clear anything else!! Clark mostly wanted to do the clearing that we did today so that he and Kent can make an RC car track out there. So, tomorrow I will call and get some clay delivered for that, so that he can get started on it... ahhhh boys and their toys!!!

On the Infertility front, today was CD34, and still no Crimson Bitch. I have been having tons of CM the last few days, so on a whim I did an OPK, and it was positive, go figure. I haven't had any pain that would make me think that I was ovulating, and the last time I had CM was just 2 weeks ago, but the OPK was negative, so I guess it will be at least another week or so before the hag shows her face. Bummer!!

The work situation has gotten horrible to say the least. I went back Thursday because they hadn't confronted the family, and then Friday they told me they had talked to them, but that everything would be fine.... Yeah right!!! Needless to say I was treated like hell by the Granddaughter all day, she said some really rude stuff to my face like telling me I could only sit in one of the chairs because she didn't want to have to see my face every time she came out of her bedroom!! Then to top it all off with her Husband told me when he came home that since I Insisted on interrupting their family time by working all my hours that I was not to even speak to any of the three of them while I was there, and any of my questions should be directed to the woman I care fors daughter. I have to tell you that I have NEVER been treated so disrespectfully in all my life!!! I plan on talking to the agency on Monday in the AM to let them know what went on. I can't believe that people can be so mean... I guess no good dead goes unpunished huh??

Extremely Assertive......

That is what I was called by not one but 2 women in my life this week....

Assertive: confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive: aggressive; dogmatic.

So what does that mean to you... I took it to mean that I am a Bitch. I didn't used to be that way, but to be honest with you, I got really tired of people walking on me all the time, so I decided when I was 15 I wasn't going to be a door mat. I am a very honest, blunt, and to the point person. If I don't like something I will let you know, if I don't like you I will let you know. I guess I am of the opinion that the world has way to many fake ass people in it, who will stab you in the back as soon as you turn around, so I don't want to be one of the "in crowd". So when talking with my therapist on Tuesday I told her about the conversation that I had with a woman over the weekend, and how she had called me "Extremely Assertive", and how I really thought that she had overstated the word. Well, my therapist knowing what she does about me said that she would have to agree with the woman on some levels. She said her biggest agreement was when I talk about Clark and I, and how I listen to his input but if it isn't what I want to hear I just do what I want to do anyway. Hmmm... Yeah I do do that, Clark wasn't interested in fostering Kent, and wasn't really interested in adopting him either (not in a bad way) but I wanted to do both, and so we DID. She brought up about how he feels about the IVF issue, and I told her that he seems to have a lot of ambivalence about it, and she strongly suggested that we talk further about it and what he really means. I already know. He has told me on more then one occasion that he is just fine with our life the way that it is right now. Well, to be honest with me, that isn't how I feel. So once again I forged ahead and did what I wanted to do... the overly assertive me!!! Crap, I look back on that session, and I realize that she made me feel like a Bully. I know that Clark loves me, and that if he really was adamant about not having kids then he would tell me, but his not just coming right out and saying yes or no has put me in a little bit of a spot.... what do you Internets think... be honest....

Well, on to this next situation.... I got the job that I applied for that I really wanted, and today was my first day. I do home health care, so I visit people and take care of them in their own homes. Today I had my first client, and I was running a little late because I got lost (blond moment). I get there, get my instructions, and am pretty much told right out that I WILL be leaving early, but that she will fill out the time sheet saying that I was there the full 6 hours. OK. Well, I wasn't comfortable with it, and she told me that she has been doing it with all of the Aides, and no one has had an issue with it at all. I agreed with her, but was pretty uncomfortable about the whole thing. I did the things on the list that I was supposed to do, and then about 2 hours into the 6, she told me that anytime I was ready, I could leave. I finally left at 4 PM, and called Clark and told him what was up... he told me that he knew I had already decided what to do, and to just do it. So... I came right home and called the office to let them know what had happened. I mean these people are getting federally earmarked funds to pay me, and I would be committing fraud if I said I worked the hours when I didn't, that in turn could get me put in jail, and my license revoked permanently. I feel bad because there were other Aides who took her up on her offer, and I am sure they will be punished, but I am just to freaking HONEST do do shit like that. It must be nice to take money from people, but I just cannot and will not do it.... so how is that for starting shit on the job?? I have only been with the company for 28 hours, and I have gotten people in trouble. The good thing was that Clark told me tonight that he was very proud of me for standing up for what I believe in and being so honest... yeah, but I am Extremely Assertive!!! LOL do you see the ASS in there???

Thank God this week is over....

Note to self:

NEVER get sucked into throwing a baby shower.

This situation has been the most miserable of my life!!! It all started with an innocent little question... Me "Well since this is your second, and last baby, and you didn't have a shower with the first, who is gonna throw you a shower for this one?" Mom to be "Well, no one has brought it up yet, so I guess that would be YOU." Well, since this conversation took place in early January before my IVF, and Hope (you know the evil bitch that will immediately abandon you with no apology on CD1, after the worst IVF experience of your life) was still in the picture, I agreed to throw the shower. I did however push for a date that would in the event of a negative Beta give me some time to recoup before I was faced with spending the day celebrating a new life when I didn't have one growing in me. That day was the 3rd of March, or this past Saturday. This friend and I ended up having many disagreements about food, time, and place, which made me realize why I am not cut out to be a party planner. She literally went out and bought stuff after I told her that I had it all under control, and then complained to friends about it, who in turn called and chewed my ass, ordered food after I told her that I would make the food so that it was cheaper, and then ordered a cake after I told her that I would make some very cute cupcakes. Loads of fun!!! Our guest list was 17, and all had confirmed as of this past Wednesday, well on Saturday our attendance was a lack luster 4 people. How do you comfort a woman who was so looking forward to this day, when her own mother couldn't be bothered to show the hell up?? You don't. You just go on with the shower as planned, and hand out the extra prizes to who ever will take the damn things home, and pray that the guests will want to take home all of the enormous amounts of food that we had left. So my first and last foray into the world of baby showers that I throw, was a freaking disaster..... Oh yeah and for the bloggers out there, diapers can and will catch fire in a microwave!!!

Clark and I have been at each other all week, and it is getting very tiresome to be totally honest with you!! Every little comment that I make to Kent about anything, Clark tells me that I am being unreasonable and confrontational.... Uh no, I just want my son to be able to care for himself with minimal assistance from outsiders, and if that means that I have to tell him 3 times that his bathroom is not cleaned right then I will do just that. So, then in comes all that 15 year old attitude, and just how mean and horrible of a mom that I am because no matter how hard he tries, I ALWAYS find something wrong. Yeah OK, dried up toothpaste that is OBVIOUSLY all over the counter top where you can reach, and me showing you that you missed it..... I got the waterworks... (BTW, those so don't work on me anymore!!!), and I finally told him that I was going to cut his allowance, and clean it myself if he couldn't do it right. Yeah, so being the typical man that he is, and loving his almighty dollar, he threw a HISSY FIT!!! I just walked away because I will not get into it with him anymore. So, I tell Clark that he has to cut his allowance, and Clark gets mad at me because I didn't consult him, and he feels that I am totally blowing the whole thing out of proportion.... Yeah OK whatever, Kent has been cleaning his own bathroom for 2 years now, and this is constantly an issue. I will not raise my child to be a man who needs or requires someone to clean for him... unless of course he makes enough money to afford a maid, and just because he is in a wheelchair does not mean that he shouldn't have to do chores around the house.. UGH... So, that has pretty much been our week, every little thing that I say I either get it from Clark or Kent about how I am UNFAIR!!

I have been PMSing, or at least I hope that is what it is... Today is CD28, so now the wait for the Crimson Bitch begins again, not that I am shocked, I had just prayed that this cycle would be somewhat normal... LOL... Guess that is what I get for thinking!!! We are going to go ahead and cycle when the CB shows up this month, and see where this IVF gets us. I am scared, but a little more hopeful then I was the last time. I guess now that I am in the land of the Known instead of the Unknown, I feel more comfortable with everything that is going on, not to mention that we will be doing ICSI, so there is a better chance of us to have some good quality Embies, and maybe even have some to freeze this time. So that is that.

I got a little bit of a shock this week when I found out that my brother lives in Enterprise, Alabama (The town that was basically leveled by a tornado). My mom called me the morning after it happened freaking out because she couldn't get him on the phone, and I told her that was the wrong town, and that I am sure he was just fine, in fact the last I had heard he was in WA state with his wife... but you all know how moms get, she kept trying to get ahold of him until she did just that, right where I told her he was... at home with his wife. See, my brother is in the Army and has been in Flight School at Ft. Rucker in Alabama since October of last year. I thought that he was still living in the barracks on base, but I guess that he hated it and decided to get a place in Enterprise. He has been home since about the middle of Feb. because they were on a break between classes, and I am sure that he wanted to spend time with his wife. I guess that when he returns on the 10th of March to get ready to go back to class, he will see what is left of his apartment, and his car. I feel bad that he might have lost all of his stuff, but ever so happy that he wasn't there!! He was in Iraq last year and the day after he left to come home, his clinic was bombed, and a few of the people were really hurt, so I think that my little brother has an angel looking out for him!!

I am putting in job applications because I need to keep my CNA license up, and Clark has been pissy about that. He seems to think that I am just trying to get away from him and Kent. I guess that I really do need a little time away, but it really seems to make the time that we do spend together a lot better for all of us. I am just a lot happier when I am working to, because I am doing what I love, helping the elderly. I guess Clark thinks that I should just be happier sitting at home all day cooking and cleaning... that used to be the case when I was younger, and thought that I was just gonna have all the kids I wanted, but since IF has stomped on that dream, I do what I can to stay sane, and work is that one thing that does the most for me. Some days I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be right or enough for him...

Well, I have a very long day tomorrow... I have to get some things at several stores, see my therapist, and turn in all of my applications in about a 3 hour time frame, so I am gonna be pretty rushed!!! Hope that all is well with my fellow bloggers!!!