You may not actually Want to know

So, how do you know when you have neglected your blog for far to long???

When you get an instant message directing you to your own blog... and a note saying " Uh Hello?" Course you wouldn't know anything about that would you MaryKayLady??

So yes, I do know I have been very neglectful of my peeps, but what can I say other then....... The shit has hit the fan, and I can't wipe it off my glasses fast enough to see the next round coming?

I am about to be brutally honest. More so then I have ever been on this blog before. I will not turn off the comments, but I will not tolerate any shit slinging either. If you don't have something nice to say then keep it to yourself........

Remember a few posts back when I said the P-Doc (who will from here on out be called Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind) had given me a new script for this little pill called Klonopin... yeah well guess what, that shit is EVIL!!! I took a lot of time deciding to take this little pill, and I can tell you first hand if you ever what to know what Post Partum Depression feels like up close and personal take one of those little monsters for oh, say about 4 days, and then you look at this cute little baby that took you years and thousands of dollars to finally get, and HONESTLY wish her dead. I wanted to hurt her. Hit her. Shake her. Smother her. Do whatever I had to to shut her up really.

She wanted to eat and take a nap.

On the 5th day, I called Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind hysterically crying because I couldn't even stand to look at my own daughter, and the suicidal thoughts were running around in my head with sharp knives, and this prick tells me... I can't remember honestly, but do you know how you feel when you get chewed out for something stupid in front of people... like you got your hand slapped?? Well that is how I felt when I got off the phone with him. I honestly don't remember his words.... something about he has never had this happen to any of his other patients before... blah, blah, blah.......

Now having been his patient for almost 6 years he obviously doesn't know me very well now does he???? So this man makes me feel 2 inches tall... not a good thing to do to a Bi-polar woman, under normal circumstances, much less these, and I literally called Clark at work freaking out. He came home early and took the next day off so that he could be with me and the Turtle. Oh and those pills... yeah they hit the septic system fast as they could when he walked in the door.

I started a fist fight with the man I have spent over almost 16 years sleeping next to, while he was holding our daughter. By that fifth night when the fists were flying, and I only remember snatches of it really, all of those days actually, I could see the anger on Clark's face.... not AT me, but at me. He knew it wasn't me in there, but I know he was pissed that I was going through what I was. He has since told me that he was really scared that he was going to have to hurt me to protect Turtle. Sad isn't it?? Your child needing protection from you, and not in a good way.

Needless to say Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind will no longer be profiting from me or WeSuck. I mean the man should give me a little credit. He knows I am obsessive about what I will put into my body, and very careful about side effects. So of course I G00gled it, printed out the sheets, and Clark and I read them over. I knew what to look out for, and so did he. We are if anything here in the InfertileHouse, diligent.

I may never be able to fully describe the guilt that I will carry with me for the rest of my life about those days... especially the last one where I do honestly feel that had it not been for Clark on the other end of the phone some bad things would have happened here in this house.

I mean how can you feel about yourself when you know that you sat and fully wanted to harm another person, an innocent little person at that?? A child that you carried and birthed, and have loved since the time before she was conceived??

I feel like a piece of shit, more then you will ever even have a clue... unless of course you have been there to.

It truly breaks my heart.

Now when I fuss at the dogs or at Kent she flinches, and it kills me just a little more inside. I have planted that little seed of mistrust in her without even being in control of it, and it makes me sick to think that Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind honestly thinks that I was making that shit up.

He should have been here. Maybe I could have punched him in the face for good effect.

That hasn't been the only thing going on, but to tell you the truth just typing that out drained the energy out of me. I am going to leave the rest for tomorrow, but I need to decide how much to divulge because it has to do with Kent. I may end up taking it over to Fruits, just not sure yet.

I am feeling much, much better, have been in touch with a new doctor, saw her on Monday, but I did want to let you all know We are alive... a little ruff around the edges, and worse for the wear, but still here.