October 4, 2008

Dreams....



I don't mean the good kind either. If you don't want to hear gory details of my now totally obviously guilt ridden mind is dealing with this, then you need to click away now...........

Embryo's. Feti. They came to me in all shapes, sizes, and gestational ages last night.

Did you know that a 6 week old embryo can actually talk?? Yeah it told me I sucked. From the inside of my toilet.

Then I spent time in a court room in front some famous judge, not sure who it was, but he was someone famous. I was on trial for murder, and was forced to care for a 6 month old fetus, who oddly enough was still in the amniotic sac, it was totally creepy, and yet I was so over protective of her it was bizarre. During the time that court broke to wait for the verdict, I got in my truck and took off with the baby. I got really lost and had to pull into some strange house where I met a woman. She ended up holding the baby, and commented that she felt hot, and looked a little sick. I took her back and sure enough she was burning up with fever. I got back in the truck and drove like a crazy woman until I finally found a hospital. She died. See the theme here??

They found me guilty and made me carry the dead baby around instead of sending me to prison. Yeah that was interesting let me tell you. I woke up not to long after that, just shaking and sweating. Fun times in the Infertile House.

Back to reality.....

Since I started bleeding, every time I go to the bathroom I breakdown and cry because I wonder which clot was Cream and Wheat, or if that was the time that I flushed them away. It is sick, and my brain is really messing with me. I feel like this is never going to come off my heart, and with it hanging there, it is making the decisions I have to make that much harder.

I saw my Psych on Thursday, and he upped my meds, and added one for anxiety... Klonopin. Let me know if you have taken it... it is supposed to be for Panic Disorders.... not that I think I have a disorder, but I have been in a panic the last almost week, so what the hell, it can't hurt.

I want to thank you all for your sweet comments, and to I guess clear a few things up... I rambled a lot in my last post, so I see how it was confusing....

I am totally enjoying the Turtle, more then I could ever have imagined. These thoughts that crowd my brain do it when she is napping, down for the night, or when I am alone. I don't let her see me sad or crying, and I am always trying to spend quality time with her when she is awake. I soak her all in, in fact sometimes it hurts to have to put her to bed for the night. I still don't sleep well because I am tuned into the monitor. I am scared to death that she is going to die in her sleep, and then I will have nothing.


I can see how it looks like I am consumed with having another baby, or trying to, but that is honestly just not the case, it is just what I have this space to talk about. It has been the most amazing journey to have this little girl in my life, and I cannot imagine not having another child to share our lives with, and for Turtle to share her life with. Turtle will be an "only child" once Kent goes to college in 3 short years, and I really don't want her to grow up alone.

As far as the the surgery, my problem is mostly this.... Why?? I mean I get it, but if she finds out that I need a hysterectomy, then I will just have wasted my money. I will need one anyway after all this is over. I am worried about something going wrong during and after the surgery, such as scar tissue, with this procedure there is the possibility of getting Asherman's Syndrome after. I know I could go on all day with that What If''s, so that is why I called and got a face to face with her for next week. I have to admit that my biggest fear of the surgery is also that she will tell me that I cannot carry another baby. I cannot tell you what I will do if that should happen. I know it will probably break my heart.

The money... this needs further explanation... Clark has a job right now that he really doesn't care for. He stays because of the coverage that he can get from WeSuck. I know he is unhappy. He hates the drive. He hates the hours. He really could do with out most of the people to. If he had his way, he would stay home all day and watch his Turtle grow up. So see where I have a hard time with this one?? The longer we try for another baby, the longer he has to stay there.

The actual paying for the treatments isn't really an issue either. It isn't going to break us, unless we have to do this 3 or 4 times. WeSuck will only cover 2 more Fresh attempts, and no Frozen, so I have a limit there anyway. I guess where my problem lays here is that I cannot get in on a shared risk because I have WeSuck giving me some coverage. So if I don't get pregnant, I lose all the co-pay money, and it really doesn't end up being much less then if I were to pay for 2 cycles out of pocket. We have the means, but my problem is not having a baby at the end, and being out the money to. I don't want to deprive my family of things that they could have because I want another baby. I don't want to take us to living on Ramen Noodles, because of my wants and desires. The thing that makes it even harder on me is that I know Clark would do whatever he had to to make sure that we had the money we need to cycle. I don't want to feel like I am taking advantage of that wonderful trait in him.

If I decide to call this all off now, and settle with what I already have, then it hurts me because I know what would make me happiest is another baby. Now granted, I could do both cycles, and then FET's, and get no live baby at the end, but I will have tried. I honestly think that acceptance of things if they work out that way will be easier if I at least try. If I keep going and run up a bigger bill, then does Clark get hurt staying at a job he hates?? Will he start to resent me for that?? Do I hurt Turtle and Kent because they may not get some of the things that I want to give them because then we won't be able to afford it??

Carol is right I did hate being pregnant, for a lot of different reasons, but honestly I see it as a means to an end. I have to do the one to get what I want (hopefully) so I am willing to be a little unhappy to gain more happiness in the end.

I did decide to schedule the surgery for the November date. I figured after I talk to Dr. OvaryWhisperer then I can either keep it or cancel it, depending on how that visit with her goes. The difference in the surgery dates was my bigger thing. All I could see at the time was the further out my surgery, the longer before we could cycle again, if we could cycle again.


See my thoughts all go around and around, and I want everyone to come out good in the end. I don't want just me to get what I want, I want us to all get what we want, and be one big happy family in the end.

I really hope this makes more sense!!

8 comments:

Kristin said...

Dreams like that really SUCK big time. It doesn't make it any easier to try and be logical about things when your heart goes through the wringer at night. {{{Hugs}}} and i am here.

Rhonda said...

You know what? This is your blog. And because it is your blog, you get to write about whatever is on your heart. Fuzzing your mind. Or haunting your dreams. With no explanation needed or fear of judgement.

You go girl.

Aunt Becky said...

Oh Rebel. Those dreams are horrifying. And I've never gotten the impression that you're not focusing on your family in the slightest. But what YOU want matters, too, and that's important to remember.

Sending you love and light.

Deb said...

That dream sounded truly horrendous. You have way too many things going through your subconscious mind.

If you need to take a break, I'm never too far away. It might do you good. Consider that an open invitation. I will come to you or you can come to me. Anytime, just say the word.

{{HUGS}}

Samantha said...

It's a hard position to be in. I do think it's good to give yourself a few weeks to figure out how to proceed. I think right now you are so close to everything that it just hurts and looks horrible no matter how you think about it.

Hang in there and keep using your blog to vent. Hopefully that will help!

Hope2morrow said...

Wow! I'm sorry you are going through so much right now. I hope the new meds will help you as well.

I also thank you for your kind comments on my blog. It is so nice to have a community of supporters who truly understand.

Be well.

Susan said...

Bless your ever loving heart. I hurt for you and wish you peace. It will come...many hugs.

Jason and Samantha said...

((hug))