October 2, 2008

Desperation is closing in....

You know when you have a decision to make, and no matter how you try to work it out in your mind someone loses??

Yeah well that has been the story of my day.

The nurse called to schedule my surgery, and WeSuckInsCo has screwed me once again. If I want to pay out of pocket to the tune of $2500.00, I can have the surgery October 15th at the clinic. If I want to have WeSuck pay some and me less, not sure how much until after, I have to wait and have it at the hospital on November 6th. I hate that hospital. So I called Clark to ask him, and as much as I love that man, he is no help to me.

I spent an hour crying and going over every different direction in my head with the costs, both emotional and financial, to everyone concerned, and each resolution has to hurt someone in some way. There is no easy way to fix this, and Clark told me at the end of our call that I needed to do what was going to make me happy.

I told him that what would make me happiest was if I could just make love to my husband, in our bed, and make a baby that way. He promptly reminded me that was NOT going to happen, so I better work it out and make a decision. Fat lot of help he was.

I don't know what to do, I am so lost.

I let those 2 babies down in a big way.

I forgot to take some of the supplements.

I totally hate myself.

I am sure that didn't make all the difference, but I will never know if missing those few little pills would have kept them alive.

So now I get to spend the days mentally beating myself up, and trying to talk myself down.

I try to look at the Turtle, and now all I can see is what could have been. She could have had 2 brothers, 2 sisters, or a brother and a sister, if only her mommy had take a few pills.

How funny is that?? Crack heads and heroin addicts put poisons into their bodies all day long, and manage to pop kids out left and right, I forget to take my Legal, prescribed drugs, and I kill mine before they get the chance to even be. Wow, not much of a Mom am I? Yeah, I don't feel like much of anything now.

My body. The body I am forced to live in has let me down at every turn. Even my pregnancy with the Turtle was shit. I don't remember most of it because I was so worried about her getting out alive that I couldn't enjoy it. I wouldn't let myself enjoy it. I was scared shitless. Now I may never get a chance to even know another child moving inside me, and it breaks my spirit.

I have to look at the money. Do I want to keep pushing the issue until we are broke?? Not really, I remember being broke. It sucked. I wasn't happy. Without spending the money there is no chance for a new baby. If I spend all the money to get that baby, or not, is that fair to the rest of the family? If we have to live in poverty just so I can have one more, is that fair? I don't know.

Is is going to be fair if I cave to the dollar and decide to walk away, when in 10 years I hate myself more because I didn't try??

I don't know.

This is really starting to hurt me more then anything. It is starting to wear hard and heavy on Clark because I cannot just make up my mind. I cry all the time, and I know it is hurting his heart to see me so sad. I love him I do, but he cannot understand the depth of my anguish over this decision. For him it is easy. He is happy now. He was happy before Turtle. He was happy before Kent. One more will not make him or break him. He tells me all the time that he doesn't care one way or the other. So he isn't any help to me at all. Really.

This cycle not working has hurt me so much more then I even imagined something could. I have this amazing little girl now who is the proof that my body CAN do it. She has been so awesome. I never thought being a Mom could feel this good and hurt so much at the same time. I look at her sweet little face, and I see what Clark and I have done, and I want more of that. I want more of the smiles when I go in to get her in the morning. The joy that she has when she discovers something new. Her giggle. Her little fingers and toes. I am addicted to being a mommy now. She is my drug of choice, and I want more. Why is that so hard to understand??

Why does it have to be so hard for my body to just do this for me?? I take care of it, why does it have to keep letting me down. I feel like I am in a loveless relationship with myself. Only one of us really cares about the other, and we all know how those stories end.

I am so scattered and broken right now, that I am clinging to every second that Turtle is awake. I don't want to miss a blink. She is my only link to sanity, and I am frightened if I miss any part of her I won't make it.

I have to see Dr. OvaryWhisperer next week so that she can answer some of the questions I have. I am going to keep breathing for now, and not make a solid decision until after the appointment. I just hope my heart can make it that long.


SAHW said...

First, thank you for coming to try to reassure me at my blog while you are clearly going through tough times of your own...

Please don't look back and blame yourself for the few forgotten pills...like you said, you'll never know did that make a difference or not, and I doubt you missed enough that this could be the sole reason for this cycle to not have worked.

As for the surgery decision...like Clark said, you have to be the one to decide...but I do think if money is an issue, perhaps you should consider waiting till Nov? It's about a three week wait, which for us in IF world, can be equivalent to forever, but in the big picture, isn't that long, right? : )

Whatever you do decide, best of luck. And do continue enjoying Turtle, every moment you have.

Kristin said...

Oh Rebel honey...a few missed pills can not be allowed to haunt you. You are human...forgive yourself for this mistake. A few missed supplements are not going to cause your progesterone to tank. I remember what it felt like when I hit the "my body failed me" stage. It sucked. I really wish I lived closer and could just sit with you. Best of luck making a decision. Remember, I am here and you know how to reach me.

Rhonda said...

It is truly heart breaking to hear you beating yourself up like this.

My concern isn't in ten years, looking back wishing you had or hadn't. It's looking back in ten years wishing you wouldn't have cherished every moment with Turtle and Kent. I hope you aren't missing out on what IS for the sake of what might or might never BE.

Will those frozen wee babes be okay if you wait for the insurance company option? And what is the difference in cost? If it is marginal,then the clinic is the better choice. If it is huge, then wait. So long as your babies can wait, too, that is.

Those are my thoughts.

Deb said...

Firstly, please dont keep beating yourself up. You are a fantastic mom! You did not cause the cycle to fail. It just did. I love you.

Now if you can, wait till Nov. The cost thing will defintely eat at you more than the missed couple of pills is. I know you hate that hospital, but you love your family. So I would suggest waiting.

I wish I could do or say something to take away your pain. But there is nothing. I'll be thinking about you.

Samantha said...

Sweetie, you sound really stressed right now following the BFN. My suggestion with the surgery: go ahead and wait until insurance kicks in their part in November. Your frozen embies are frozen in time right now, a little bit of extra time won't hurt them a bit. Meanwhile, it might help you work through some of the emotions of this failed cycle.

It's all too easy blame yourself after a failed cycle. I highly doubt that a missed dose of progesterone would cause such a dramatically low level. Obviously something wasn't right. When you work with your RE for the FET, you can use PIO and have your bloodwork checked mid-TWW to see if it's doing the job. I know one cycle I had my P4 levels checked and ended up using both suppositories and PIO to keep the level higher.

In the meantime, take some time to retreat from the IF world. Use the slow insurance as a break. Clark loves you, Kent loves you, Turtle loves you. We all love you.

Aunt Becky said...

Oh Rebel. I'm so sorry that you're hurting like this. I don't have any good things to advise you, which is good, since you seem to have the advice from people smarter than I am. But I'm here, and I'm your friend.

Sending you virtual love.

Anonymous said...

Rebel, don't be so down on your body. It did an amazing thing. It produced a Turtle! Everyone has issues with their body, everyone. But not everyone can produce a Turtle. I have a new found respect for my body after having a child. Yeah it didn't work the way I wanted it to when I wanted it to, be in the end it came through for me. And so did yours.

I can remember before Turtle when you wanted to give up and I tried to talk you out of it. I knew there was a baby in your future. Now she is here and you need to enjoy every minute of her. I know you want more and I totally understand that but I also know you did not enjoy your pregnancy with her, so would you enjoy another pregnancy? It is a stressful time for those of us who have been through IF and with a baby to take care of, it will be even tougher. You don't want to miss out on one second of her life, believe me. Please don't think I am talking you out of trying, but also remember there is time. You don't have to do anything NOW. You have your embies frozen and they will wait. A few months will not make a huge difference in the long run. Love on your baby in the meantime.

I am here for you and believe me I understand more than you know.


Just Me. said...

My heart's just breaking for you. It's hard not to look back and go WHAT IF I HAD DONE THIS? WHAT IF I HAD DONE THAT? I do that all the time even if somebody told me not to. I'd beat myself up and think OH Y THIS AND Y THAT?

I was sort of in a similar situation. I was due for a lap and d&c and my insurance would only cover me in July. I could do it earlier but it would be at my own expense. Like Clark, babes said I had to make a decision that would make me happy.

I know you'll come to a decision soon. Let it be your decision and know that we're all here for you.

Huge hugs coming your way and again, I'm not letting go.


Susan said...

I ache for you so very much. I hope you give Dr. Ovarywhisperer the chance to reassure you that a few missed supplements did not a pregnancy undo. Who knows? Sometimes being forced down a path leads to something great. I pray that for you!

Mandy and Russel said...

Oh Rebel... I'm so sorry. I just hate to see you so hurt.

You know deep down that missing a few pills didn't cause this to work. Please don't blame yourself. You've dedicated everything to having more babies, you're a great Mommy and have done nothing "wrong".

I've been thinking about you so much lately. I am praying for you.


Poison Ivy said...

You know how I feel, and I would wipe this crap away if I could. Make a Taco Bell run, wash it down with a few Mike's Hard Lemonade and sleep on it. These decisions are never easy. Follow your heart.
What every you decide I support you 100%.
IF sucks rocks big time.

Tracey said...

I am so so sorry...hugs and more hugs....this is very hard...I understand....you are right though....just breath and take one day...one hour at a time....you WILL get through it...God Bless!