Desperation is closing in....

You know when you have a decision to make, and no matter how you try to work it out in your mind someone loses??

Yeah well that has been the story of my day.

The nurse called to schedule my surgery, and WeSuckInsCo has screwed me once again. If I want to pay out of pocket to the tune of $2500.00, I can have the surgery October 15th at the clinic. If I want to have WeSuck pay some and me less, not sure how much until after, I have to wait and have it at the hospital on November 6th. I hate that hospital. So I called Clark to ask him, and as much as I love that man, he is no help to me.

I spent an hour crying and going over every different direction in my head with the costs, both emotional and financial, to everyone concerned, and each resolution has to hurt someone in some way. There is no easy way to fix this, and Clark told me at the end of our call that I needed to do what was going to make me happy.

I told him that what would make me happiest was if I could just make love to my husband, in our bed, and make a baby that way. He promptly reminded me that was NOT going to happen, so I better work it out and make a decision. Fat lot of help he was.

I don't know what to do, I am so lost.

I let those 2 babies down in a big way.

I forgot to take some of the supplements.

I totally hate myself.

I am sure that didn't make all the difference, but I will never know if missing those few little pills would have kept them alive.

So now I get to spend the days mentally beating myself up, and trying to talk myself down.

I try to look at the Turtle, and now all I can see is what could have been. She could have had 2 brothers, 2 sisters, or a brother and a sister, if only her mommy had take a few pills.

How funny is that?? Crack heads and heroin addicts put poisons into their bodies all day long, and manage to pop kids out left and right, I forget to take my Legal, prescribed drugs, and I kill mine before they get the chance to even be. Wow, not much of a Mom am I? Yeah, I don't feel like much of anything now.

My body. The body I am forced to live in has let me down at every turn. Even my pregnancy with the Turtle was shit. I don't remember most of it because I was so worried about her getting out alive that I couldn't enjoy it. I wouldn't let myself enjoy it. I was scared shitless. Now I may never get a chance to even know another child moving inside me, and it breaks my spirit.

I have to look at the money. Do I want to keep pushing the issue until we are broke?? Not really, I remember being broke. It sucked. I wasn't happy. Without spending the money there is no chance for a new baby. If I spend all the money to get that baby, or not, is that fair to the rest of the family? If we have to live in poverty just so I can have one more, is that fair? I don't know.

Is is going to be fair if I cave to the dollar and decide to walk away, when in 10 years I hate myself more because I didn't try??

I don't know.

This is really starting to hurt me more then anything. It is starting to wear hard and heavy on Clark because I cannot just make up my mind. I cry all the time, and I know it is hurting his heart to see me so sad. I love him I do, but he cannot understand the depth of my anguish over this decision. For him it is easy. He is happy now. He was happy before Turtle. He was happy before Kent. One more will not make him or break him. He tells me all the time that he doesn't care one way or the other. So he isn't any help to me at all. Really.

This cycle not working has hurt me so much more then I even imagined something could. I have this amazing little girl now who is the proof that my body CAN do it. She has been so awesome. I never thought being a Mom could feel this good and hurt so much at the same time. I look at her sweet little face, and I see what Clark and I have done, and I want more of that. I want more of the smiles when I go in to get her in the morning. The joy that she has when she discovers something new. Her giggle. Her little fingers and toes. I am addicted to being a mommy now. She is my drug of choice, and I want more. Why is that so hard to understand??

Why does it have to be so hard for my body to just do this for me?? I take care of it, why does it have to keep letting me down. I feel like I am in a loveless relationship with myself. Only one of us really cares about the other, and we all know how those stories end.

I am so scattered and broken right now, that I am clinging to every second that Turtle is awake. I don't want to miss a blink. She is my only link to sanity, and I am frightened if I miss any part of her I won't make it.

I have to see Dr. OvaryWhisperer next week so that she can answer some of the questions I have. I am going to keep breathing for now, and not make a solid decision until after the appointment. I just hope my heart can make it that long.