I should have Known Better

I expected to get nastiness.

I really thought one person would at the very least wag a finger at me.

I think I am more horrible then all of you do.

Strange.

You Internets have let me down.

You let me off the hook way easier then I let myself apparently.

I jest.

I am drinking my weekend glass of wine and trying to be witty after the last 2 weeks of hell. I am worried about so many things right now...

We have a very sick pet... my oldest mini Doxie. Little Man will be 10 this spring, and he has been having issues off an on over the last few years with his back. I thought I was going to have to put him to sleep this week, but he stunned both the vet and I with his rebound..... I think he is trying to give his mommy a damn heart attack.... like I don't have enough shit to worry about right now.

I seriously cannot thank you all enough though for the support. I have been trying to let things out more, but have this fear that you all will think I am a freak.... LOL go figure right.... so tonight Clark and I were joking about the pill thing from last week, and all the positive comments that I got, and he pulled out a shirt that I got at a concert this summer.....

LOL, but I do, it is funny, if the thoughts or comments are negative I don't really give a damn what people think, but when I get the outpouring of love and hugs that you all have given me over the last few days, I get very overwhelmed. I am not used to people standing next to me when things get bad... well except for Clark and a small circle of select others. So having you each step up and give me a virtual hug, and let me know that I am not alone in these fights has overwhelmed me and made me feel so very special.

The decisions that have to be made with Kent are hard... harder then any I have ever had to make with/for him.

I only want him to be healthy.

Alive.

I know that as a 17 year old boy he cannot understand.

I fear the resentment that will come.

I cannot let him down either though, and to turn a blind eye and just accept this behavior would be letting him down.

So, I guess I want you all to know that I have a piece of each of you in my heart as we go forward with things, and I couldn't be more grateful for the friends that you have all become... even if you are out there silently lending me your good thoughts and prayers.

My strength.

My Friends.

Thank you from the bottom of my very, very humbled heart.

And the other Drama Is......

Kent.

My 17 year old son who has decided apparently to completely lose his mind.

As I have to be careful with what identifying info I give out, I can tell you that Kent is special needs. Not because of his brain but because of his body. He had cancer when he was very young, and the tumor paralyzed him from the mid chest down. Due to this paralysis he has several medical conditions that require CONSTANT monitoring.

We have pushed him to be more in charge of his own care, and have had to resort to such penalties for not making the right choices, like taking away video games, TV, movies, time away with friends.... all the stuff a teen loves to do. He hasn't played video games (except for special occasions) for almost 3 years.

Still he continues to resist even the slightest hint of personal responsibility. He will be 18 in less then a year, and legally able to leave my house. Nothing I can do about it. If I told you he was even close to being able to take care of himself, would be lying to every single one of you.

This Boy has not brushed his teeth, washed his face, or combed his hair in over a week.

He is on several prescription medications which he hasn't taken on a regular basis for weeks. Not taking these drugs could kill him.

He has a procedure that he MUST perform several times a day that allows him to urinate. This has to be a "clean" procedure, yet I have not seen his hand soap or sanitizer move from it's current place in almost a week. He also has to sanitize the equipment that he uses every time he does this, but he only does it half assed at best. This behavior could cause him to get an infection that could very well kill him.

He has "Diabetic" skin, and need to be elevating his feet. He doesn't. He has gotten a pressure sore on his foot that we have been trying to heal for almost a year. Every time we get it right there, he does something slack and it breaks down again. An infection in his foot could cause him to lose his leg, or his life.

He is supposed to spend at least an hour a day "Standing" up in his stander. He hasn't done this on a consistent basis since May. I even cancelled the newspaper because we required him to be in his stander to read it.

Therapy you ask?? Done it. He refuses to talk. He will sit there and literally make up lies about the things that happen in the house to the point where I end up spending more time with the doc then he does.

I am scared for him.

Next year when he can leave, if he does, I know where he will go. He doesn't have a chance in hell of making a life worth anything if he does. Everything I have done for him in the last almost 7 years, has been to ready him for adulthood. We used to make such progress, and yes I know he is 17, and a male, but it just seems like he doesn't care about himself or any of us even to take good care of himself.

The Cancer almost killed him. Now I am afraid that he is going to kill himself.

It has been discussed that it may be time for some type of serious intervention.

The residential kind.

I was in a group homes as a kid, and they were ok, but Kent and I don't have the same issues.

So I hesitate, because I don't want him to hate me for basically sending him away. I know he will think it is because of the Turtle, but in all honesty, I don't feel like I can help him anymore then I have.

I love him. Deeply.

I have fought to keep him alive.

I fought to adopt him and give him a home where he could feel safe and loved.

So why do I feel like I just keep getting sucker punched right in the face every time I look at him??

I want to watch him grow up. Go off to college. Get married. Have babies of his own.

I just wish he wanted it as much as I do.

You may not actually Want to know

So, how do you know when you have neglected your blog for far to long???

When you get an instant message directing you to your own blog... and a note saying " Uh Hello?" Course you wouldn't know anything about that would you MaryKayLady??

So yes, I do know I have been very neglectful of my peeps, but what can I say other then....... The shit has hit the fan, and I can't wipe it off my glasses fast enough to see the next round coming?

I am about to be brutally honest. More so then I have ever been on this blog before. I will not turn off the comments, but I will not tolerate any shit slinging either. If you don't have something nice to say then keep it to yourself........

Remember a few posts back when I said the P-Doc (who will from here on out be called Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind) had given me a new script for this little pill called Klonopin... yeah well guess what, that shit is EVIL!!! I took a lot of time deciding to take this little pill, and I can tell you first hand if you ever what to know what Post Partum Depression feels like up close and personal take one of those little monsters for oh, say about 4 days, and then you look at this cute little baby that took you years and thousands of dollars to finally get, and HONESTLY wish her dead. I wanted to hurt her. Hit her. Shake her. Smother her. Do whatever I had to to shut her up really.

She wanted to eat and take a nap.

On the 5th day, I called Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind hysterically crying because I couldn't even stand to look at my own daughter, and the suicidal thoughts were running around in my head with sharp knives, and this prick tells me... I can't remember honestly, but do you know how you feel when you get chewed out for something stupid in front of people... like you got your hand slapped?? Well that is how I felt when I got off the phone with him. I honestly don't remember his words.... something about he has never had this happen to any of his other patients before... blah, blah, blah.......

Now having been his patient for almost 6 years he obviously doesn't know me very well now does he???? So this man makes me feel 2 inches tall... not a good thing to do to a Bi-polar woman, under normal circumstances, much less these, and I literally called Clark at work freaking out. He came home early and took the next day off so that he could be with me and the Turtle. Oh and those pills... yeah they hit the septic system fast as they could when he walked in the door.

I started a fist fight with the man I have spent over almost 16 years sleeping next to, while he was holding our daughter. By that fifth night when the fists were flying, and I only remember snatches of it really, all of those days actually, I could see the anger on Clark's face.... not AT me, but at me. He knew it wasn't me in there, but I know he was pissed that I was going through what I was. He has since told me that he was really scared that he was going to have to hurt me to protect Turtle. Sad isn't it?? Your child needing protection from you, and not in a good way.

Needless to say Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind will no longer be profiting from me or WeSuck. I mean the man should give me a little credit. He knows I am obsessive about what I will put into my body, and very careful about side effects. So of course I G00gled it, printed out the sheets, and Clark and I read them over. I knew what to look out for, and so did he. We are if anything here in the InfertileHouse, diligent.

I may never be able to fully describe the guilt that I will carry with me for the rest of my life about those days... especially the last one where I do honestly feel that had it not been for Clark on the other end of the phone some bad things would have happened here in this house.

I mean how can you feel about yourself when you know that you sat and fully wanted to harm another person, an innocent little person at that?? A child that you carried and birthed, and have loved since the time before she was conceived??

I feel like a piece of shit, more then you will ever even have a clue... unless of course you have been there to.

It truly breaks my heart.

Now when I fuss at the dogs or at Kent she flinches, and it kills me just a little more inside. I have planted that little seed of mistrust in her without even being in control of it, and it makes me sick to think that Dr.ItHasToBeInYourMind honestly thinks that I was making that shit up.

He should have been here. Maybe I could have punched him in the face for good effect.

That hasn't been the only thing going on, but to tell you the truth just typing that out drained the energy out of me. I am going to leave the rest for tomorrow, but I need to decide how much to divulge because it has to do with Kent. I may end up taking it over to Fruits, just not sure yet.

I am feeling much, much better, have been in touch with a new doctor, saw her on Monday, but I did want to let you all know We are alive... a little ruff around the edges, and worse for the wear, but still here.

9 months with pictures.....

Sorry took the pics down....

What an amazing little girl, she has totally stolen my heart 10 million times over. She is growing so well:

29 Inches tall

19 Pounds

44 1/2 cm head circumference

She is just the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, and I don't think that I could love her more then I do now!!!

Happy 9 month birthday sweet baby!!!!

Sorting.....

I know it has been a few days.

Things here have been hectic.

I have been putting pics up at Fruits every few days.

I am really having a hard time sorting my feelings out, and coming to peace in my heart right now.

Clark knows something is up, I have been cleaning the hell out of everything.

Tomorrow Turtle will be 9 months old.

I would be 6w4days pregnant if Cream and Wheat had stuck around.... or should I say if my body had given them a chance at life.

Yesterday was not a good day for me.

It was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Even though I am sure to some it would seem that my embies weren't really a Loss, they are to me, and I forever will hold them in my heart.

Bambi & Thumper
January 07

Starsky or Hutch (one became the Turtle)
June 07

Cream and Wheat
September 08

5.

5 little lives that never will be.

5 little lives that started, and ended in such a short time.

5 little lives that have totally changed mine.

5 little lives that will forever be in my heart.

1 little girl who is so amazing it hurts my heart when she smiles!!

So I will go back to Sorting now........

Fortunes

Clark's birthday was the 9th... he asked me not to mention it, but I had to. :o)

We went out to eat last night, of course it had to be Chinese. Great meal, Turtle LOVED the MacNCheese. I was just glad that she ate, she was sick all day yesterday. She is a true southern girl already.... Fried Chicken, MacNCheese, and Sweet Tea.

When the check came and we opened up our Fortune Cookies mine said:

The Gambler not only gambles with his life, but the lives of others.

Well ain't that just a kick in the ass????

Tentative Movements

I saw Dr. OvaryWhisperer today, and we talked about quite a few things.

First off, my estrogen wasn't as good as she thought it was at first glance, the final number was lower then expected, 108, that is bad.

The progesterone is a very concerning issue. I will be on injections when we go again. I cannot begin to tell you the Glee that Clark gets on his face when he talks about how he will get to give me these shots.... I think he is plotting my demise.... He told Dr. OvaryWhiperer he has always wanted to be a Big Game Hunter....

In his best Steve Erwin voice..

"We have to sneak up on the Great Fat Rhino very quietly so that she doesn't suspect that she is about to get a HUGE dart in her ass!!!"

Seriously guys, he told her that.

Jackass.

She thinks that I may have actually ovulated on my own before the retrieval, so suppression will be a big deal for any future cycles.

She really thinks that our SnowBabies will thaw just fine, and at least 2 of them looked good enough before freezing to get me pregnant (ha).

I asked her about the fact that we got 26 eggs, and had such crappy fertilization. She looked up the report, and even after ICSI 15 of the eggs never got 2 polar bodies. She explained that even though they looked mature, they acted immature (Uh yeah leave it to my eggs to pull this one huh??!!) I asked if it had anything to do with Clark's boys, and she said that no I couldn't blame this one on him either... that sucks, I still get to be the only broken one :o( My eggs are shit now to. She thinks that we really just need to SLOW way down with the stims because we are getting high numbers of eggs, but the quality is crap.

I have to tell you all that I love Dr. OvaryWhisperer. (Actually, I really love my whole clinic, everyone has been so great since the first time I went there, and I just think they are all awesome for the great job that they do!!)When I went into her office, she got up and gave me the biggest hug, you could see the hurt on her face for me. She really cares about her patients, and I cannot even imagine the stress that she feels when we have setbacks like this. I couldn't do her job!! She is really just amazing, and I know that if she wasn't my doctor, she would be and is my friend. She was so sweet when we were done, she told me to just think about everything and decide after surgery what we wanted to do. I told her that I had already been THINKING for over a week, and I knew what we were going to do.

I need to cycle again, to get the Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda, and WhatIf's out of my mind. If I don't try again it will eat me up, I just know it will.

I have to admit the deciding factor was my grandmother telling me that I shouldn't give up, that if I really wanted another baby, then I had better not give up. She told me that I deserve to keep fighting after all that we had been through, and that she totally needed at least one more Great Grand Child from me!! Of course the last part she was teasing, but she is right. I have wanted this for so long, and Turtle turned out great (so far, come back when she is 16 and see if I still feel that way!!) so I really want to give this another shot.

So, I am going ahead with the hysteroscopy just to see if there is any reason what so ever that the Ute cannot be trusted. We can combat the low levels with supplements, but a bad Ute makes for more failed cycles. We don't think there is anything wrong in there, but as she stated it doesn't hurt to look, and with the lining issue that cropped up over the summer then she would rather be safe then sorry. There is also the possibility that having Turtle changed some things in there, so all in all, I was really understanding of why she wants to do this after we talked. She is mostly going to look, and if I need to have a D&C or anything like that she is going to do it, but really she just wants to look. I told her I wanted picture proof that everything is ok, and she just laughed at me!! I do hope that she knows I wasn't joking.

November 6th is surgery, and if all is well after that we are going to do another fresh cycle. My insurance co-pay for a fresh cycle is almost the cost of a frozen cycle, and since WeSuck doesn't cover frozen cycles, then I would rather take the chance at getting some better, fresh embies, and save the frozen guys for the HailMary if we need them.

Now I can start worrying about what kind of evil things are lurking in my Ute!!! Ahhhh something new to consume my mind!! LOL

Happy Birthday

Kent turns 17 today......

Wow, where has the time gone??

It seems like yesterday I met this tiny little 8 year old, who had just finished Chemotherapy and radiation treatments. He was all of 43 pounds soaking wet. If you would have told me then that we would be here 9 years later... I would never have believed you!!

It has been a struggle at times, but almost always rewarding. He has grown into a sweet, loving young man.

He is so much like Clark that it gets a little scary at times, but it is cute in a lot of ways to.

He adores his baby sister, and I totally love that about him.

I hope that he continues to grow into the Man that he wants, and I know, he can be!!!

I love you Kent!!!!

Dreams....

I don't mean the good kind either. If you don't want to hear gory details of my now totally obviously guilt ridden mind is dealing with this, then you need to click away now...........

Embryo's. Feti. They came to me in all shapes, sizes, and gestational ages last night.

Did you know that a 6 week old embryo can actually talk?? Yeah it told me I sucked. From the inside of my toilet.

Then I spent time in a court room in front some famous judge, not sure who it was, but he was someone famous. I was on trial for murder, and was forced to care for a 6 month old fetus, who oddly enough was still in the amniotic sac, it was totally creepy, and yet I was so over protective of her it was bizarre. During the time that court broke to wait for the verdict, I got in my truck and took off with the baby. I got really lost and had to pull into some strange house where I met a woman. She ended up holding the baby, and commented that she felt hot, and looked a little sick. I took her back and sure enough she was burning up with fever. I got back in the truck and drove like a crazy woman until I finally found a hospital. She died. See the theme here??

They found me guilty and made me carry the dead baby around instead of sending me to prison. Yeah that was interesting let me tell you. I woke up not to long after that, just shaking and sweating. Fun times in the Infertile House.

Back to reality.....

Since I started bleeding, every time I go to the bathroom I breakdown and cry because I wonder which clot was Cream and Wheat, or if that was the time that I flushed them away. It is sick, and my brain is really messing with me. I feel like this is never going to come off my heart, and with it hanging there, it is making the decisions I have to make that much harder.

I saw my Psych on Thursday, and he upped my meds, and added one for anxiety... Klonopin. Let me know if you have taken it... it is supposed to be for Panic Disorders.... not that I think I have a disorder, but I have been in a panic the last almost week, so what the hell, it can't hurt.

I want to thank you all for your sweet comments, and to I guess clear a few things up... I rambled a lot in my last post, so I see how it was confusing....

I am totally enjoying the Turtle, more then I could ever have imagined. These thoughts that crowd my brain do it when she is napping, down for the night, or when I am alone. I don't let her see me sad or crying, and I am always trying to spend quality time with her when she is awake. I soak her all in, in fact sometimes it hurts to have to put her to bed for the night. I still don't sleep well because I am tuned into the monitor. I am scared to death that she is going to die in her sleep, and then I will have nothing.

I can see how it looks like I am consumed with having another baby, or trying to, but that is honestly just not the case, it is just what I have this space to talk about. It has been the most amazing journey to have this little girl in my life, and I cannot imagine not having another child to share our lives with, and for Turtle to share her life with. Turtle will be an "only child" once Kent goes to college in 3 short years, and I really don't want her to grow up alone.

As far as the the surgery, my problem is mostly this.... Why?? I mean I get it, but if she finds out that I need a hysterectomy, then I will just have wasted my money. I will need one anyway after all this is over. I am worried about something going wrong during and after the surgery, such as scar tissue, with this procedure there is the possibility of getting Asherman's Syndrome after. I know I could go on all day with that What If''s, so that is why I called and got a face to face with her for next week. I have to admit that my biggest fear of the surgery is also that she will tell me that I cannot carry another baby. I cannot tell you what I will do if that should happen. I know it will probably break my heart.

The money... this needs further explanation... Clark has a job right now that he really doesn't care for. He stays because of the coverage that he can get from WeSuck. I know he is unhappy. He hates the drive. He hates the hours. He really could do with out most of the people to. If he had his way, he would stay home all day and watch his Turtle grow up. So see where I have a hard time with this one?? The longer we try for another baby, the longer he has to stay there.

The actual paying for the treatments isn't really an issue either. It isn't going to break us, unless we have to do this 3 or 4 times. WeSuck will only cover 2 more Fresh attempts, and no Frozen, so I have a limit there anyway. I guess where my problem lays here is that I cannot get in on a shared risk because I have WeSuck giving me some coverage. So if I don't get pregnant, I lose all the co-pay money, and it really doesn't end up being much less then if I were to pay for 2 cycles out of pocket. We have the means, but my problem is not having a baby at the end, and being out the money to. I don't want to deprive my family of things that they could have because I want another baby. I don't want to take us to living on Ramen Noodles, because of my wants and desires. The thing that makes it even harder on me is that I know Clark would do whatever he had to to make sure that we had the money we need to cycle. I don't want to feel like I am taking advantage of that wonderful trait in him.

If I decide to call this all off now, and settle with what I already have, then it hurts me because I know what would make me happiest is another baby. Now granted, I could do both cycles, and then FET's, and get no live baby at the end, but I will have tried. I honestly think that acceptance of things if they work out that way will be easier if I at least try. If I keep going and run up a bigger bill, then does Clark get hurt staying at a job he hates?? Will he start to resent me for that?? Do I hurt Turtle and Kent because they may not get some of the things that I want to give them because then we won't be able to afford it??

Carol is right I did hate being pregnant, for a lot of different reasons, but honestly I see it as a means to an end. I have to do the one to get what I want (hopefully) so I am willing to be a little unhappy to gain more happiness in the end.

I did decide to schedule the surgery for the November date. I figured after I talk to Dr. OvaryWhisperer then I can either keep it or cancel it, depending on how that visit with her goes. The difference in the surgery dates was my bigger thing. All I could see at the time was the further out my surgery, the longer before we could cycle again, if we could cycle again.

See my thoughts all go around and around, and I want everyone to come out good in the end. I don't want just me to get what I want, I want us to all get what we want, and be one big happy family in the end.

I really hope this makes more sense!!

Desperation is closing in....

You know when you have a decision to make, and no matter how you try to work it out in your mind someone loses??

Yeah well that has been the story of my day.

The nurse called to schedule my surgery, and WeSuckInsCo has screwed me once again. If I want to pay out of pocket to the tune of $2500.00, I can have the surgery October 15th at the clinic. If I want to have WeSuck pay some and me less, not sure how much until after, I have to wait and have it at the hospital on November 6th. I hate that hospital. So I called Clark to ask him, and as much as I love that man, he is no help to me.

I spent an hour crying and going over every different direction in my head with the costs, both emotional and financial, to everyone concerned, and each resolution has to hurt someone in some way. There is no easy way to fix this, and Clark told me at the end of our call that I needed to do what was going to make me happy.

I told him that what would make me happiest was if I could just make love to my husband, in our bed, and make a baby that way. He promptly reminded me that was NOT going to happen, so I better work it out and make a decision. Fat lot of help he was.

I don't know what to do, I am so lost.

I let those 2 babies down in a big way.

I forgot to take some of the supplements.

I totally hate myself.

I am sure that didn't make all the difference, but I will never know if missing those few little pills would have kept them alive.

So now I get to spend the days mentally beating myself up, and trying to talk myself down.

I try to look at the Turtle, and now all I can see is what could have been. She could have had 2 brothers, 2 sisters, or a brother and a sister, if only her mommy had take a few pills.

How funny is that?? Crack heads and heroin addicts put poisons into their bodies all day long, and manage to pop kids out left and right, I forget to take my Legal, prescribed drugs, and I kill mine before they get the chance to even be. Wow, not much of a Mom am I? Yeah, I don't feel like much of anything now.

My body. The body I am forced to live in has let me down at every turn. Even my pregnancy with the Turtle was shit. I don't remember most of it because I was so worried about her getting out alive that I couldn't enjoy it. I wouldn't let myself enjoy it. I was scared shitless. Now I may never get a chance to even know another child moving inside me, and it breaks my spirit.

I have to look at the money. Do I want to keep pushing the issue until we are broke?? Not really, I remember being broke. It sucked. I wasn't happy. Without spending the money there is no chance for a new baby. If I spend all the money to get that baby, or not, is that fair to the rest of the family? If we have to live in poverty just so I can have one more, is that fair? I don't know.

Is is going to be fair if I cave to the dollar and decide to walk away, when in 10 years I hate myself more because I didn't try??

I don't know.

This is really starting to hurt me more then anything. It is starting to wear hard and heavy on Clark because I cannot just make up my mind. I cry all the time, and I know it is hurting his heart to see me so sad. I love him I do, but he cannot understand the depth of my anguish over this decision. For him it is easy. He is happy now. He was happy before Turtle. He was happy before Kent. One more will not make him or break him. He tells me all the time that he doesn't care one way or the other. So he isn't any help to me at all. Really.

This cycle not working has hurt me so much more then I even imagined something could. I have this amazing little girl now who is the proof that my body CAN do it. She has been so awesome. I never thought being a Mom could feel this good and hurt so much at the same time. I look at her sweet little face, and I see what Clark and I have done, and I want more of that. I want more of the smiles when I go in to get her in the morning. The joy that she has when she discovers something new. Her giggle. Her little fingers and toes. I am addicted to being a mommy now. She is my drug of choice, and I want more. Why is that so hard to understand??

Why does it have to be so hard for my body to just do this for me?? I take care of it, why does it have to keep letting me down. I feel like I am in a loveless relationship with myself. Only one of us really cares about the other, and we all know how those stories end.

I am so scattered and broken right now, that I am clinging to every second that Turtle is awake. I don't want to miss a blink. She is my only link to sanity, and I am frightened if I miss any part of her I won't make it.

I have to see Dr. OvaryWhisperer next week so that she can answer some of the questions I have. I am going to keep breathing for now, and not make a solid decision until after the appointment. I just hope my heart can make it that long.

The Verdict

Well, the InfertileMadWoman's body pulls a new one out of her Bag of Tricks..........

Beta- Negative (Bad)
Estrogen- Very high (Good)
P4(Progesterone)- 2.6 (VERY FREAKING BAD)

Apparently my P4 level wasn't high enough to support a gnat pregnancy much less two healthy, wonderful, perfect, 8 cell embryos. The kicker.... I was on progesterone suppositories!! So once again, my body has figured out how to keep itself from getting knocked up... this bitch is certainly getting creative!!

After I went in this AM for the Beta, (I so totally had to take the Turtle with me as Clark's office has informed him they are not a daycare, and all the cuteness that Turtle exudes has been distracting the workers, WTF??)(Oh and I was half way there when he called to tell me that, so I had no choice but to take her in to the clinic with me... I swear I tried to make it painless!!)......

Dr. OvaryWhisperer called me personally and told me the results. She sounded more devastated then I did, but then I had cried just about all the tears my eyes would allow on my way there this morning in the car. She said that she was STUNNED that my P4 was so low, so from here on out, should we cycle again, I get to stab myself one extra time a day with a ReallyBigFreakingNeedle right in the, well intra-muscularly. Ha, Take that LittleMissSmartyPants Body!! Just freaking Dandy!!

Dr. OvaryWhisperer told me that she had actually commented to one of the other docs last Thursday that she was a little worried that she had not heard from me, as she just KNEW I would have hyperstimulated if I had gotten pregnant. I told her not to worry that I knew Friday morning, and had spent the weekend bawling and trying to convince Clark that the fat lady had a turkey leg shoved in her mouth and wasn't going to bother singing, so it was OVER.

(Gotta love that man, he hung on to the bitter end telling me to hold out Hope.... I reminded him that she had become part of the yard when I ran her beaten, sorry, ass over as I left the house this morning, so there!!)

Dr. OvaryWhisperer told me that it was time for a Hysteroscopy.... Ewwww.... and I reluctantly agreed. My body is trying to tell us something, and there is no point even thinking about our SnowBabies if the old Ute isn't in tip top shape. Oh, and on that note we ended up with these frozen ones:

7cell grade4 day 3 embie (good)
5 or 6 cell grade2 day 3 embie (ok)
5cell grade2 day 2 embie (good)
2cell grade3 day 2 embie (so so)

The reason we have day 2 and 3 embies is because they managed to mature 3 eggs over night, and fertilize them on the day after they were retrieved. Dr. OvaryWhisperer feels confident that should we be able to transfer, if they thaw, at least one of them would make a baby. I love her optimism. I guess one of us has to have some right??

So, I need the Hysteroscopy before we can even decide what direction this trip is going to take. It will be ASAP, WeSuckInsCo has to approve the surgery before we can move ahead. I am getting very tired of every road managing to force us into some side street.

I actually had packed up all of my spare meds, needles, and the infamous "Mrs. Murphy" t-shirt, was going to give them to IVFNurse, and was going to tell Dr. OvaryWhisperer to forget about renting a Whinney that I was done with the grand adventure. This shit is eating at my soul.

Clark looked at me over lunch today, and said to me...

"I just don't want you to miss out on the Turtle because you are so wrapped up in having another baby. Have you seen how amazing she has become in the last week??"

"Yes dear, I have."