July 9, 2008

Nothing is easy.....

When it comes to dealing with WeSuck.

I got THE call today.

We are approved for one IVF cycle with meds @ 50/50.

The catch??

I have to have egg retrieval by the 3rd of September or they pull the 50/50 and we pay the full amount on our own!! HUH?? I mean do they even have a clue how this works??? It isn't like you can plan this game down to the day for crying out loud. GAH!!! How in the hell did they come up with that date?? I am thinking it was because the request was received on the 3rd of July, so they must give you 2 months to the day. I don't know, I only hope like hell that we can get in under the line!!

So, I called and got the next appointment with Dr. B for next Wednesday @ 4 PM. There are a few things I need to ask about and clarify before we get this show on the road. I mainly need to know if we are going to have to repeat all of the testing that we did last time, if so I am going to have to get freaking busy. So much to do and so little time.

So, I am sitting here relieved, yet scared out of my mind. I know this game. I have done this before. However, I feel like I am reentering shark infested waters after the chum has been tossed overboard. Am I testing waters that are better off left alone?? Should I just walk away while the walking is good?? I don't want to. I am terrified though, and that colors my desire. I have my Turtle, and I can't imagine not having her. I know the love, the deep soul warming love that she has brought me. I want more, but I know how wrong things can go. I am more aware of it now then I was when I was PG with the Turtle. For some reason, I never thought about not having a take home baby at the end of my pregnancy. Our pregnancy was a struggle, but somehow, somewhere deep inside me, I just KNEW she was going to be here with us. Now though with all of the losses around the blogosphere, I have hit a state of almost perpetual fear that should I 1) Manage to make it through this cycle, and 2) End up PG...... something horrible is going to happen. I think the reason I feel this way is because now that I do have Turtle, I cannot imagine not having another successful pregnancy. I would/will fall apart with a worst case scenario. I keep thinking that Turtle needs her mommy. I need her. Unfortunately(maybe??), I also still feel like I have love in my heart for more babies. If that is how this thing is destined to work out I will try to be OK with that because I know don't want to look back 10 years from now, having thrown in the towel, and hate myself for not having the guts to roll the dice.

So, here We go again...............

1 comment:

Just Me. said...

I look at Turtle and she gives me hope.

It's never easy going back to IF world again. *hugs*