I see that so many have come up with Intro posts for NaComLeavMo, so I guess I will attempt to do the same!!
I was actually diagnosed with PCOS at the tender young age of 17, so the fun began early!!
Clark and I met in 1992, where I had an immediate crush on him the first time I laid eyes on him... he was just to sexy ladies, I swear!! We went on our first "date" on November 2, 1992 and saw Under Siege. From there we were pretty inseparable.
We were married June 4th of 1994. Clark ran off to serve his country, and I followed. We never did anything to prevent pregnancy, and went on with our lives. About 3 years into things, I really started getting antsy to get the show on the road for real, and went to see on OB. I was however thwarted by the machine that is military medicine, and I spent the next 6 years fighting for everything from Clomid to RE visits. in 1997 we did a cycle of Follistim, had triggered and were 20 hours from an IUI when Clark's ship had to leave for a 6 month cruise a week early, so 9 grand in meds went right in the shitter on that one. After that Lame attempt, and when Clark returned, we were sent back to Navy docs, and they basically told me that my obesity was what was causing my IF, and that I needed to loose about 100 pounds and then come see them again... only they didn't say it so nice, and my response wasn't to go quietly into the night to say the least.
So, I researched Gastric Bypass, and had the surgery in February of 2001. In February of 2002 I had lost all of that 100 pounds and some, but the Navy decided that I would have to start at the beginning... FORGET THAT CRAP!!
We asked for and received Kent as our foster child in March of 2002, and due to his many medical needs at the time, we put TTC on the back burner. I guess having Kent living with us kicked my "Clock" into high gear and it wasn't 6 months before I was begging Clark to go back to the RE. I then experienced some medical problems due to the Gastric Bypass that caused us to hold out for a few more long months.
In 2003 we bought our 4 bedroom house, and became VERY eager to fill those 2 empty rooms, so it was off to the races... stalled by the great Navy machine again. No referrals out of the system, and the wait to get an RE appointment with them was 9 months. At this point Clark is strongly considering getting out of the Navy and this kinda pushes our decision over the edge.
In late 2004, Clark leaves the Navy, and begins working for the Fed. government as a civil employee. We were thrilled to death to find out that one of the ins. plans covered IF treatments 50/50 but you have to wait like 6 months to even apply for coverage, so we waited.
In July of 2005 I went in to see our new PCP, and found out that she thought I had Breast Cancer... found out in August that they were just lumps... thank God!! I asked her then for the referral to the RE, and we started the fight with WeSuck Ins. Fight with WeSuck for referral until March of 2006.
March of 2006, first visit back at RE, game plan drawn up for the ins., now we just wait for final approval. Game plan= Ovulation induction and IUI's (LOL if only I knew then) Late March I start having a lot of pain and issues with my ovaries.
April 2006- RE confirms that I am the "broken" one, Clark's SA #'s come back off the charts. Shit.
May 2006- Follow up to finalize "game plan" for ins. co.
June 2006- Ins. approved one medicated IUI cycle, but I started having terrible pains in my abdomen. RE takes a look and sees a bunch of "free" fluid in my pelvis... we take a wait and see approach while waiting for AF to come. AF shows, and I go in for BW and U/S. RE finds suspicious "spots" in my lining that "could very well be" endometrial cancer. FUCK. Biopsy done then.
July 2006- No Cancer, thank the Universe, but more fluid in pelvis, RE thinks I may have some endo. Schedule laproscopy for August.
August 2006- Lap reveled Massive scaring caused by stage 3-4 Endo, "game plan" changes to injects with IUI, or maybe IVF. We found out that WeSuck Ins. counts an injects with IUI cycle as an IVF, and since we only get 3 I told the RE we want to just jump to IVF. She agrees, and we schedule a saline sono.
September 2006- Saline sono reveals totally blocked tubes, but a normal uterus, so IVF isn't an option now, it is the only way. SHIT.
October 2006- Start IVF protocol with Lupron, never get AF, have cycle cancelled to to Lupron Flare syndrome (this is extremely rare). I order a shirt that says My name is Mrs. Murphy. Have to go on BCP's to start AF.
November 2006- No AF even on BCP's, so we are in a holding pattern in she comes. Get cancelled again at the end of the month.
December 2006- Miss lab closure and start Lupron on the 28th.
January 2007- Started stims on the 11th, ER the 22nd got me 20 eggs. Very pathetic fert. report on the 23rd, 4 fert. on their own 24 hours after ret. the rest got rescue ICSI, but didn't do squat. Transfer on the 25th went ok. I end up Severely hyper-stimulating... OHSS is a nightmare!! End up with strep throat to.
February 2007- Spotting and Negative Beta.
March 2007- Waiting for AF. She shows on the 26th.
April 2007- April 5- Start L*pron, April 12- Stop BCP's, April 19- Start Stims.
May 2007- Retrieval on the 1st gave us 29 eggs, fert. report on the 2nd showed 6 nice embies after ICSI. Transferred one 8 cell and one 7 cell on the 4th. Beta # 1=528 on the 18th, Beta #2=3694. U/S on the 23rd shows two sacs. U/S on 26th still shows two sacs.
June 2007- U/S on June 4th shows one very healthy heartbeat.
And as they say the rest is history!!!
May 31, 2008
May 30, 2008
And we're off.....
Well hopefully anyway. After many phone calls back and forth from the RE to We Suck Ins. Co., I finally got a freaking answer on how in the hell I can get back in the stirrups again. I took care of everything today, and the paperwork is in, so I should hear something next week. There are 2 answers that I can get... a) Yes and b) are freaking kidding you crazy broad, you just had a damn baby, you must be infertile again for at least a year before we let you blow aother wad of our cash like that!!! (besides we all know that now you got pregnant, and have a real live baby, you will no longer be infertile and just start popping kids out AKA Michelle Duggar). Obviously I am hoping and praying for A, but we all know that asking for and receiving is two totally different things. I want you to know that I will raise hell if I get B, because those idiots are just to stupid to understand COMPLETELY BLOCKED FALLOPIAN TUBES as a DX, and there isn't a chance in hell that I will get knocked up without medical intervention, if even then. Gah.
It was a really hard decision to have to come to here in the Infertile house in the first place. We love the Turtle to death, and really want to spend a lot of quality time with her, but the quickly approaching elderly age of the egg supply is a pressing issue. So, that along with the AMA category that I will hit in just 26 days, makes us really feel pushed to move on in a big hurry with attempting more family building. We all know that of course it will work on the first try, and we will end up with triplets to, so hey what the heck!! Hell, I better shut up now with the way my luck has been lately!!!
I have really enjoyed NaComLeavMo so far, and I want to thank all of you for the terribly kind comments!! We honestly do not know how our Little Turtle ended up so beautiful, as both of her RedNeck parents are total White Trash.... guess they threw a little class in her petri dish while they had her in the lab... how cruel!! I cannot begin to tell you though how really blessed and lucky we feel to have this amazing little girl in our lives, and I feel equally as blessed to have found such a great community that stood there next to me while we made our dream come true. There are so many stories out there, and I have been taking all of the new ones in that I have found through NCLM. I am just in awe at the women who stand up and face this Beast head on everyday. We come from all over the planet, from every walk of life, and yet we still manage to share a unity that will forever bond us together. The sad thing is that none of us want, or deserve it. We wear it though, and fight it just like any other illness that needs to be fought, some win, some loose, but we will forever be Sisters because of our fight, and for that I am thankful. I never had a sister growing up, and now I have so many. Nice to meet you all!!
P.S., I think I am going to take my own roll of bubble wrap next time, it shouldn't add much to her weight, right??
It was a really hard decision to have to come to here in the Infertile house in the first place. We love the Turtle to death, and really want to spend a lot of quality time with her, but the quickly approaching elderly age of the egg supply is a pressing issue. So, that along with the AMA category that I will hit in just 26 days, makes us really feel pushed to move on in a big hurry with attempting more family building. We all know that of course it will work on the first try, and we will end up with triplets to, so hey what the heck!! Hell, I better shut up now with the way my luck has been lately!!!
I have really enjoyed NaComLeavMo so far, and I want to thank all of you for the terribly kind comments!! We honestly do not know how our Little Turtle ended up so beautiful, as both of her RedNeck parents are total White Trash.... guess they threw a little class in her petri dish while they had her in the lab... how cruel!! I cannot begin to tell you though how really blessed and lucky we feel to have this amazing little girl in our lives, and I feel equally as blessed to have found such a great community that stood there next to me while we made our dream come true. There are so many stories out there, and I have been taking all of the new ones in that I have found through NCLM. I am just in awe at the women who stand up and face this Beast head on everyday. We come from all over the planet, from every walk of life, and yet we still manage to share a unity that will forever bond us together. The sad thing is that none of us want, or deserve it. We wear it though, and fight it just like any other illness that needs to be fought, some win, some loose, but we will forever be Sisters because of our fight, and for that I am thankful. I never had a sister growing up, and now I have so many. Nice to meet you all!!
P.S., I think I am going to take my own roll of bubble wrap next time, it shouldn't add much to her weight, right??
May 28, 2008
Well Hell!!
Shit I am the worst mother on the planet!!
Turtle had her 4 month WBV today, and cranky was her middle name before she even got out of the crib this morning. She had a long night so our day didn't go well either up until the appointment. We are in the room waiting to see the doc, and we have to do the mandatory strip and weigh. Well as much as I LOVE my pediatrician, they so need to get those shitty scales updated. I get the girl naked, they weigh her, and as I lift her little feet up to slide the diaper back under her butt, she does the most amazing back bend/arch thingy, and busts her head open on the side of the scale. FUCK. Are you kidding me?? I cannot believe that I just busted my kids head open in front of a room full of nurses and doctors. I snatched her off the scale, hugged her so tight I can't believe that I didn't break her in half, then I leaned up against the wall, started bawling, and buckled my legs. I so totally SUCK!! She is fine though, not bad at all, looks like a scratch, but she is going to have a bruise. They put some of that wicked cool super glue stuff on it... Oh hell, that really didn't make me feel any better, I am still an asshole!! Then as if she needed to have insult added to injury, she got 4 shots. Crap that kid can sure change colors!!! Other then that little mishap though, things were great....
4 Month Stats
Weight- 14.2 pounds
Length- 25 & 1/4 inches
Head- 41 & 1/2 cm .... This kid has a noggin I tell ya!!!
The doc says that she is doing really well, and actually has some pretty seriously advanced motor skills. Yeah, like that back bend thing!! So other then having her first traumatic head injury, the visit went well!!
Clark bought us both bikes over the weekend and went to pick them up yesterday evening. We also got the coolest baby seat and had it attached to my bike. So, as soon as he gets home with them, he gets the Turtle and slaps the cutest helmet on her little (Big) head, and off we go!! Boy did she love that. She got over the bobble head thing after about 2 minutes though, and started screaming bloody murder. We ended up stopping and taking the helmet off. I think that it is just a tad to heavy for her little neck to manage right now, but she will wear it all the time as soon as she gets stronger. She was just to freaking cute though!!
Well it is late, and I need to recoup from my drama earlier. I think I literally almost had a heart attack.
Turtle had her 4 month WBV today, and cranky was her middle name before she even got out of the crib this morning. She had a long night so our day didn't go well either up until the appointment. We are in the room waiting to see the doc, and we have to do the mandatory strip and weigh. Well as much as I LOVE my pediatrician, they so need to get those shitty scales updated. I get the girl naked, they weigh her, and as I lift her little feet up to slide the diaper back under her butt, she does the most amazing back bend/arch thingy, and busts her head open on the side of the scale. FUCK. Are you kidding me?? I cannot believe that I just busted my kids head open in front of a room full of nurses and doctors. I snatched her off the scale, hugged her so tight I can't believe that I didn't break her in half, then I leaned up against the wall, started bawling, and buckled my legs. I so totally SUCK!! She is fine though, not bad at all, looks like a scratch, but she is going to have a bruise. They put some of that wicked cool super glue stuff on it... Oh hell, that really didn't make me feel any better, I am still an asshole!! Then as if she needed to have insult added to injury, she got 4 shots. Crap that kid can sure change colors!!! Other then that little mishap though, things were great....
4 Month Stats
Weight- 14.2 pounds
Length- 25 & 1/4 inches
Head- 41 & 1/2 cm .... This kid has a noggin I tell ya!!!
The doc says that she is doing really well, and actually has some pretty seriously advanced motor skills. Yeah, like that back bend thing!! So other then having her first traumatic head injury, the visit went well!!
Clark bought us both bikes over the weekend and went to pick them up yesterday evening. We also got the coolest baby seat and had it attached to my bike. So, as soon as he gets home with them, he gets the Turtle and slaps the cutest helmet on her little (Big) head, and off we go!! Boy did she love that. She got over the bobble head thing after about 2 minutes though, and started screaming bloody murder. We ended up stopping and taking the helmet off. I think that it is just a tad to heavy for her little neck to manage right now, but she will wear it all the time as soon as she gets stronger. She was just to freaking cute though!!
Well it is late, and I need to recoup from my drama earlier. I think I literally almost had a heart attack.
May 26, 2008
Gosh.....
First off I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post, I didn't think it was that profound!! After reading all the comments, I got to thinking about things that some of you said, and I actually have a little more insight.....
I know that each of you will relate to this thought.
"What have I ever done that was so bad that I cannot have a baby??"
I probably asked myself, The Universe, and Clark that about a million times, and you know what?? There never was an answer. We are never going to get one, because there is nothing on this earth that any of us has EVER done (Unless you killed someone, and in that case I don't want to know about it) to deserve the blackhole that is Infertility. However, you cannot tell an infertile woman that, or you may just get the beating of your life. We look for reasons that this happened to us, a place to put the blame, usually there isn't one, not an honestly valid one. Infertility didn't happen beacuse you were a bully in junior high, because you had premarital relations, ran over a dog with your car, or any of the other ten million reasons running through our brains. There are the cases where there was some sort of infection or something medically wrong, but still, it doesn't change the pain. It never will change no matter how we got here, we are here.
There are always going to be infertiles that move in and out of our lives. Some will come and go with ease, and some will stick around and become the closest of friends. I see that people who move on from infertility (if you really can) do so in one of two ways.... MOVE ON and leave us all behind, or MOVE AHEAD and do the best they can to carry the rest of us with them. There will always be fairweather friends, it just hurts a little more when they bail after you share something soulfully deep, like Infertility, as your binding tie. It really sucks when people move on in a hurtful way. I would like to say that most of us don't realize that we are doing it, hurting the ones we left behind, but the truth is I know exactly why a lot of us do it.....
Fear.
Plain and simple, but on a few different levels. I can vouch for this personally, or at least this is how I feel now.
Most of us fear hurting you with our newfound joy. Nothing feels more painful then watching someone get the one thing that you so desperately want. I for one don't want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone, the hurt for me is still all to fresh in my heart and soul. We don't want to say or do the wrong things, so for some of us distancing ourselves is what comes easiest. We want to be happy, most of us "need" to be happy, and for you to be happy to. There are some people who seem to quickly forget the pain that is IF. (Either that or thier sensitivity gene is missing) We as a society embrace sharing, we teach our children to do it, so when we get the Ticket, we must share. Right or Wrong. I still have more days then not when I "look away" from the fertile world. That isn't who I am, I am still an Infertile. I always will be. I ask my infertile friends if they want me to bring Turtle when we meet, or hang out. It isn't that I don't want to share her, but like I said, I remember that pain, and why in the hell would I want to punch someone in the gut just because? I don't, so I tread lightly. I ask if the Turtle is welcome. I try to be sensitive.
Now for some women there is a literal fear of other infertiles, I have to fess up to this one. I actually got scared meeting one of my infertile friends for the first time. I had invited her to come down to visit us, and then I got terrified that she was going to come kill me and steal the Turtle. I even went so far as to tell Clark all of her information. Just. In. Case. Thankfully that didn't happen, and I actually talked to her about my fear, we had a good laugh about it. After the fact. But we all know those women are out there. I know that may sound just assinine, but really lets go there, it happens, and more often then I am sure we know. It is sad that we have to think things like that. Oh hell, maybe I just watch to much TV for my own good, blame it on the months of bedrest.
Lastly, being a new parent is like a new recruit going into war!! You can go to Boot Camp all you want... read the books, babysit, take parenting classes, hell we even had our two God kids live with us for almost a year as toddlers (great experience), but nothing can prepare you for bringing that new born baby home. Nothing. This little person now relies soley on you for everything, and they let you know that to. Now instead of doing all you can to get them here safe and sound, the game changes. Shit gets serious!! Babies are so selfish, gotta love them, but it's true. Everything, and I mean everything is about them, nothing is even remotely about you or your other half. Sleep, showers, and clean clothes become a thing of the past, so does eating a hot meal... forget what that was like, ain't happening any time soon.... that is of course inless you can inhale something in the 5 seconds after you get it out of the microwave!! Then you have all of the doctors appointments to deal with, more even if you have a not so healthy babe.
I haven't slept through the night since Turtle was born.... she has, but Mommy?? Not. So. Much. I'm terrified that she is going to die in the middle of the night. The odds are slim, but well, look at what it took to get me here!! I am Mrs. Murphy!! So, I plunked down my 199.99 on the baby monitor of all monitors, it all but tells me when she needs her diaper changed, so I can sleep easier right. Not!!! The monitor is under my pillow, and I hear every little noise she makes, and she is a noisey little thing in her sleep.
It really becomes all consuming. Overwhelming for the most part really. To me it was it was like getting voted leader of my own country and not having a lick of experience running anything but myself. Terrifying. Heck I still have had fertile friends call and ask when in the hell they are going to see us again, one lives 3 miles from me.
So please understand that while it may feel like we are abandoning the IF world, frankly most of the time everyone, and I mean everyone becomes colateral damage for at least a few weeks. They will be back. This happens to Fertiles to, or so I am told. It isn't intentional. Usually. I won't lie and say that all infertiles do this. Some of them pick up their "Ticket" and haul ass!! They don't want any part of Infertility after the fact, those are the ones that feel like they have to cut and run. That doesn't make it hurt any less I know, but as we all are aware, not everyone comes home from war in one piece, if they even come home at all.
I know that each of you will relate to this thought.
"What have I ever done that was so bad that I cannot have a baby??"
I probably asked myself, The Universe, and Clark that about a million times, and you know what?? There never was an answer. We are never going to get one, because there is nothing on this earth that any of us has EVER done (Unless you killed someone, and in that case I don't want to know about it) to deserve the blackhole that is Infertility. However, you cannot tell an infertile woman that, or you may just get the beating of your life. We look for reasons that this happened to us, a place to put the blame, usually there isn't one, not an honestly valid one. Infertility didn't happen beacuse you were a bully in junior high, because you had premarital relations, ran over a dog with your car, or any of the other ten million reasons running through our brains. There are the cases where there was some sort of infection or something medically wrong, but still, it doesn't change the pain. It never will change no matter how we got here, we are here.
There are always going to be infertiles that move in and out of our lives. Some will come and go with ease, and some will stick around and become the closest of friends. I see that people who move on from infertility (if you really can) do so in one of two ways.... MOVE ON and leave us all behind, or MOVE AHEAD and do the best they can to carry the rest of us with them. There will always be fairweather friends, it just hurts a little more when they bail after you share something soulfully deep, like Infertility, as your binding tie. It really sucks when people move on in a hurtful way. I would like to say that most of us don't realize that we are doing it, hurting the ones we left behind, but the truth is I know exactly why a lot of us do it.....
Fear.
Plain and simple, but on a few different levels. I can vouch for this personally, or at least this is how I feel now.
Most of us fear hurting you with our newfound joy. Nothing feels more painful then watching someone get the one thing that you so desperately want. I for one don't want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone, the hurt for me is still all to fresh in my heart and soul. We don't want to say or do the wrong things, so for some of us distancing ourselves is what comes easiest. We want to be happy, most of us "need" to be happy, and for you to be happy to. There are some people who seem to quickly forget the pain that is IF. (Either that or thier sensitivity gene is missing) We as a society embrace sharing, we teach our children to do it, so when we get the Ticket, we must share. Right or Wrong. I still have more days then not when I "look away" from the fertile world. That isn't who I am, I am still an Infertile. I always will be. I ask my infertile friends if they want me to bring Turtle when we meet, or hang out. It isn't that I don't want to share her, but like I said, I remember that pain, and why in the hell would I want to punch someone in the gut just because? I don't, so I tread lightly. I ask if the Turtle is welcome. I try to be sensitive.
Now for some women there is a literal fear of other infertiles, I have to fess up to this one. I actually got scared meeting one of my infertile friends for the first time. I had invited her to come down to visit us, and then I got terrified that she was going to come kill me and steal the Turtle. I even went so far as to tell Clark all of her information. Just. In. Case. Thankfully that didn't happen, and I actually talked to her about my fear, we had a good laugh about it. After the fact. But we all know those women are out there. I know that may sound just assinine, but really lets go there, it happens, and more often then I am sure we know. It is sad that we have to think things like that. Oh hell, maybe I just watch to much TV for my own good, blame it on the months of bedrest.
Lastly, being a new parent is like a new recruit going into war!! You can go to Boot Camp all you want... read the books, babysit, take parenting classes, hell we even had our two God kids live with us for almost a year as toddlers (great experience), but nothing can prepare you for bringing that new born baby home. Nothing. This little person now relies soley on you for everything, and they let you know that to. Now instead of doing all you can to get them here safe and sound, the game changes. Shit gets serious!! Babies are so selfish, gotta love them, but it's true. Everything, and I mean everything is about them, nothing is even remotely about you or your other half. Sleep, showers, and clean clothes become a thing of the past, so does eating a hot meal... forget what that was like, ain't happening any time soon.... that is of course inless you can inhale something in the 5 seconds after you get it out of the microwave!! Then you have all of the doctors appointments to deal with, more even if you have a not so healthy babe.
I haven't slept through the night since Turtle was born.... she has, but Mommy?? Not. So. Much. I'm terrified that she is going to die in the middle of the night. The odds are slim, but well, look at what it took to get me here!! I am Mrs. Murphy!! So, I plunked down my 199.99 on the baby monitor of all monitors, it all but tells me when she needs her diaper changed, so I can sleep easier right. Not!!! The monitor is under my pillow, and I hear every little noise she makes, and she is a noisey little thing in her sleep.
It really becomes all consuming. Overwhelming for the most part really. To me it was it was like getting voted leader of my own country and not having a lick of experience running anything but myself. Terrifying. Heck I still have had fertile friends call and ask when in the hell they are going to see us again, one lives 3 miles from me.
So please understand that while it may feel like we are abandoning the IF world, frankly most of the time everyone, and I mean everyone becomes colateral damage for at least a few weeks. They will be back. This happens to Fertiles to, or so I am told. It isn't intentional. Usually. I won't lie and say that all infertiles do this. Some of them pick up their "Ticket" and haul ass!! They don't want any part of Infertility after the fact, those are the ones that feel like they have to cut and run. That doesn't make it hurt any less I know, but as we all are aware, not everyone comes home from war in one piece, if they even come home at all.
May 23, 2008
The "Ticket" can suck, ya know.....
So, Turtle is laying in the middle of the living room floor right now doing everything she can to get that short little body of hers to roll over... it is so damn cute I tell you. As I was watching her I thought about how it is fitting at this moment that we call her Turtle, because that is what she looks like right now... a turtle on its back trying to right itself!!
I have been pondering our journey the last few days, and there have been some posts out here in blog land that have gotten me to thinking a lot about Infertility, pregnancy, and the ones that we "leave behind" when we get that "Golden Ticket". You know we don't want to leave you there, and I am sure that given the chance most of us would take all the other infertiles we could stuff in our pockets with us if we could. Sadly enough life just doesn't work like that.
I was on the other side of that ticket for almost 15 years. I watched the 14 year old neighbor get knocked up, twice. I watched all of the cousins and other family members my age grow their families one by one. I watched most of my friends have their dreams fulfilled. I watched as everyone around me got the one thing that I so desperately wanted, and it killed me inside. I was depressed most of the time, and didn't even want to get out of bed most days!!! The tears that endlessly flowed, could have drowned a small country if put together and dumped out all at once. Desperation. Anger. Frustration. Fear. Denial. All real feelings. The heartbreak is unreal, I know it is, I Know how it feels.
So, I guess that is why I get a little peeved when another infertile brings up the fact that it pisses them off when those of us who get the "Ticket" complain about being pregnant. I remember thinking I would kill to be in those shoes, and how it drove me nuts when women complained about being pregnant, it is a slap in the face, I know. However, now having been in those shoes, I think that we also need to look at what the new "Ticket Holder" is going through. We already know that for the most part they have been through hell just to get the Ticket. For most of us getting there is only half the battle, unfortunately. So then you see we get all kinds of things heaped on the Ticket, and it seems to become a "Conditional Ticket". There are the multiple pregnancies, the Placenta Previa's, HELLP, IUGR, bed rest.... frankly I could go on forever with all that can go wrong, and in some cases does. Some make it out alive, so to speak, and some don't. Some go on to have babies that spend days, weeks, or even months in the NICU. Some end up with special needs children. Some end up with no child at all. It sucks. It. Really. Fucking. Sucks. I hate IF more then anything ever, and that says a lot with this being an election year.
But..........
Just as we MUST rally around those in the trenches. We MUST also rally around those holding the Ticket, because what happens when it is your turn to hold, and God forbid something goes wrong, who will you turn to?? Who will "hold your hand" and tell you everything is going to work out? Who is going to catch you when you trip or fall? Who will be there to help you pick up the pieces? Who will rejoice when all goes well, and you make it out alive?? The IF World that is who. Proof Positive is out there, in more ways then one. We, as they say, can do more united then divided.
So, I leave you with this thought...
Infertilies are like Turtles laying on their backs in the middle of the road... Just because you manage to right yourself, doesn't mean there isn't a truck coming around the corner to run your ass over.
I have been pondering our journey the last few days, and there have been some posts out here in blog land that have gotten me to thinking a lot about Infertility, pregnancy, and the ones that we "leave behind" when we get that "Golden Ticket". You know we don't want to leave you there, and I am sure that given the chance most of us would take all the other infertiles we could stuff in our pockets with us if we could. Sadly enough life just doesn't work like that.
I was on the other side of that ticket for almost 15 years. I watched the 14 year old neighbor get knocked up, twice. I watched all of the cousins and other family members my age grow their families one by one. I watched most of my friends have their dreams fulfilled. I watched as everyone around me got the one thing that I so desperately wanted, and it killed me inside. I was depressed most of the time, and didn't even want to get out of bed most days!!! The tears that endlessly flowed, could have drowned a small country if put together and dumped out all at once. Desperation. Anger. Frustration. Fear. Denial. All real feelings. The heartbreak is unreal, I know it is, I Know how it feels.
So, I guess that is why I get a little peeved when another infertile brings up the fact that it pisses them off when those of us who get the "Ticket" complain about being pregnant. I remember thinking I would kill to be in those shoes, and how it drove me nuts when women complained about being pregnant, it is a slap in the face, I know. However, now having been in those shoes, I think that we also need to look at what the new "Ticket Holder" is going through. We already know that for the most part they have been through hell just to get the Ticket. For most of us getting there is only half the battle, unfortunately. So then you see we get all kinds of things heaped on the Ticket, and it seems to become a "Conditional Ticket". There are the multiple pregnancies, the Placenta Previa's, HELLP, IUGR, bed rest.... frankly I could go on forever with all that can go wrong, and in some cases does. Some make it out alive, so to speak, and some don't. Some go on to have babies that spend days, weeks, or even months in the NICU. Some end up with special needs children. Some end up with no child at all. It sucks. It. Really. Fucking. Sucks. I hate IF more then anything ever, and that says a lot with this being an election year.
But..........
Just as we MUST rally around those in the trenches. We MUST also rally around those holding the Ticket, because what happens when it is your turn to hold, and God forbid something goes wrong, who will you turn to?? Who will "hold your hand" and tell you everything is going to work out? Who is going to catch you when you trip or fall? Who will be there to help you pick up the pieces? Who will rejoice when all goes well, and you make it out alive?? The IF World that is who. Proof Positive is out there, in more ways then one. We, as they say, can do more united then divided.
So, I leave you with this thought...
Infertilies are like Turtles laying on their backs in the middle of the road... Just because you manage to right yourself, doesn't mean there isn't a truck coming around the corner to run your ass over.
May 21, 2008
Like a freaking Ninja....
Af that is. The crimson hag snuck up, and bitch slapped me hard in the side of the head Monday morning!!! OMG. I felt like curling into a tiny ball and crying for most of the day. The cramps and bleeding are twice as bad. How cruel is it that things are worse now that I have had a baby?? Damn!!
I am getting a little pissy because if I had heard from the clinic about the ins. co. issue then I might have actually been able to start on the BCP's, but they seem to suddenly have an issue calling me back. Prolly cuz I don't owe them any money yet. I really want to get this freaking show on the road as soon as possible, and at this rate it will be August before we get on the schedual. GAH I really do not want to have to have another Lap before I can cycle again, and if they keep moving this damn slow that is what is going to happen. I will be the dreaded 35 next month. AMA. Damn.
I am getting a little pissy because if I had heard from the clinic about the ins. co. issue then I might have actually been able to start on the BCP's, but they seem to suddenly have an issue calling me back. Prolly cuz I don't owe them any money yet. I really want to get this freaking show on the road as soon as possible, and at this rate it will be August before we get on the schedual. GAH I really do not want to have to have another Lap before I can cycle again, and if they keep moving this damn slow that is what is going to happen. I will be the dreaded 35 next month. AMA. Damn.
May 18, 2008
I waited a lifetime for today....
Turtle made me cry today.
They were tears of joy I can promise you.
I hugged my daughter and she hugged me back!! She wrapped those tiny little arms around my neck and squeezed. It was amazing. I cannot tell you the shear joy that coursed through my body and soul. This is MY daughter, and she hugged ME!! I never imagined that little squeeze would so totally rock me to the core. I have waited so long for that grasp, that unshielded gesture of love, that when it came today, my heart was totally unprepared for the emotion that overcame me, and I cried. I nuzzled into that soft, baby scented neck, and I cried. I cried for all of the years that I waited for that feeling, the years of hoping and dreaming, the times when I had given up on even having her. I cried for the feelings of today, and I cried for the many years that Turtle will keep bringing me to tears with a simple little hug.
Who would have known that it could be so sweet??
When I dried my tears and pulled her back so that I could look into that sweet little face, she grinned at me and started to giggle.... she has never giggled before today either. Awesome. She is becoming Turtle. She is finally totally aware, and showing us how she feels. I am so to pieces over this little girl!! I just stared in wonder as she giggled at me again, and again. The tears started all over. I couldn't have imagined in a million years how this day would feel. It will never be this fresh and raw for me again I suspect. This is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life, and hold in my heart, next to the day that she was born.
Today My Daughter Loved Me.
They were tears of joy I can promise you.
I hugged my daughter and she hugged me back!! She wrapped those tiny little arms around my neck and squeezed. It was amazing. I cannot tell you the shear joy that coursed through my body and soul. This is MY daughter, and she hugged ME!! I never imagined that little squeeze would so totally rock me to the core. I have waited so long for that grasp, that unshielded gesture of love, that when it came today, my heart was totally unprepared for the emotion that overcame me, and I cried. I nuzzled into that soft, baby scented neck, and I cried. I cried for all of the years that I waited for that feeling, the years of hoping and dreaming, the times when I had given up on even having her. I cried for the feelings of today, and I cried for the many years that Turtle will keep bringing me to tears with a simple little hug.
Who would have known that it could be so sweet??
When I dried my tears and pulled her back so that I could look into that sweet little face, she grinned at me and started to giggle.... she has never giggled before today either. Awesome. She is becoming Turtle. She is finally totally aware, and showing us how she feels. I am so to pieces over this little girl!! I just stared in wonder as she giggled at me again, and again. The tears started all over. I couldn't have imagined in a million years how this day would feel. It will never be this fresh and raw for me again I suspect. This is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life, and hold in my heart, next to the day that she was born.
Today My Daughter Loved Me.
May 16, 2008
It figures!!!!
I can't whine about anything without getting my hands slapped it seems...
For the record, I Love my Son. I didn't carry him in my body or birth him, but I have spent 8 years loving and caring for this kid, trying to turn him into a responsible young man. I have heard so many people get into the discussion about how adoptive parents love adopted kids less then their biological kids, and someone seems to think that I have this issue. So, I will bite......
I don't think that it is less love at all, I love him differently yes, but not less. I do love Turtle differently because she is my daughter, a girl, and an infant, but not because she has my DNA. I did wait a long time for Turtle, and tried like hell to have her, but that in no way changes the love that I have for Kent. It is harder some days for me because I know he is not my biological child, and I really wish he was. There will always be a degree of separation between the two of them, to think that there isn't would be totally bullshitting myself, and the rest of the world. I think that when you adopt a child as an infant or as a toddler it is easier to wrap your heart around them as you would a child that you give birth to, still different, but closer to how you would feel about a biological child. I don't know that from personal experience though, so that is just a guess on my part. Older children can and usually do come with a bevy of issues that have to be dealt with, especially if you adopt from the foster care system like we did. So, with Kent you throw in the emotional train wreck that he was on top of his physical disability, and you have your work totally cut out for you. You will never know what we have been through with and for this young man, so I don't appreciate your comment at all. I cannot and will not go into it all here for obvious reasons, but I have spent years undoing the damage that this child's birth family did, and if you see one comment about a card as ungrateful, then I guess you are entitled to your opinion no matter how wrong and off base it may be.
I hear a lot that people think an adopted child should be thankful or grateful that they were adopted, I don't think about it like that at all though, I simply think that he should treat us the way that he wants to be treated. I asked him how he would have felt if I had done the same thing on a special day to him, and he admitted that it would have hurt his feelings to. I told him that I expected a card and a gift from him BECAUSE he is my son, not because he felt obligated to because we adopted him. I love that I am his mother, and that until this year he has gotten with Clark and gotten me something, but therein lies the problem, he relies on his Dad to handle everything, so, this year we decided to let him handle it all on his own.... you see where that got me. Now granted I used this as a teaching moment for him, because he is an overly selfish boy, but that doesn't mean it hurt any less that he let me down.
Now, you shouldn't pretend to know anything about me or my family, and I really think that your comments were out of line. Let me ask you this, would you put the picture of a child who was forcibly removed from his family, and that you had adopted from DSS on your Blog?? I mean come on, the Internet is there for everyone, and by putting his picture on this somewhat anonymous site, I would be leaving myself open to his family finding out about this Blog, and God himself only knows what would happen then.
Frankly any adoptive parent out there who tells you that they love "all" of their children the same is full of shit, because I know from asking that parents who have only biologically related children that they love each one differently. You would have to Love them differently in my opinion, because they are not clones of each other, so they are in fact different people, to be loved differently.
DNA is a word, and Kent has a little sister that will look up to him and love and adore him for the rest of her life, matching DNA or not.
So go get bent jackass.
For the record, I Love my Son. I didn't carry him in my body or birth him, but I have spent 8 years loving and caring for this kid, trying to turn him into a responsible young man. I have heard so many people get into the discussion about how adoptive parents love adopted kids less then their biological kids, and someone seems to think that I have this issue. So, I will bite......
I don't think that it is less love at all, I love him differently yes, but not less. I do love Turtle differently because she is my daughter, a girl, and an infant, but not because she has my DNA. I did wait a long time for Turtle, and tried like hell to have her, but that in no way changes the love that I have for Kent. It is harder some days for me because I know he is not my biological child, and I really wish he was. There will always be a degree of separation between the two of them, to think that there isn't would be totally bullshitting myself, and the rest of the world. I think that when you adopt a child as an infant or as a toddler it is easier to wrap your heart around them as you would a child that you give birth to, still different, but closer to how you would feel about a biological child. I don't know that from personal experience though, so that is just a guess on my part. Older children can and usually do come with a bevy of issues that have to be dealt with, especially if you adopt from the foster care system like we did. So, with Kent you throw in the emotional train wreck that he was on top of his physical disability, and you have your work totally cut out for you. You will never know what we have been through with and for this young man, so I don't appreciate your comment at all. I cannot and will not go into it all here for obvious reasons, but I have spent years undoing the damage that this child's birth family did, and if you see one comment about a card as ungrateful, then I guess you are entitled to your opinion no matter how wrong and off base it may be.
I hear a lot that people think an adopted child should be thankful or grateful that they were adopted, I don't think about it like that at all though, I simply think that he should treat us the way that he wants to be treated. I asked him how he would have felt if I had done the same thing on a special day to him, and he admitted that it would have hurt his feelings to. I told him that I expected a card and a gift from him BECAUSE he is my son, not because he felt obligated to because we adopted him. I love that I am his mother, and that until this year he has gotten with Clark and gotten me something, but therein lies the problem, he relies on his Dad to handle everything, so, this year we decided to let him handle it all on his own.... you see where that got me. Now granted I used this as a teaching moment for him, because he is an overly selfish boy, but that doesn't mean it hurt any less that he let me down.
Now, you shouldn't pretend to know anything about me or my family, and I really think that your comments were out of line. Let me ask you this, would you put the picture of a child who was forcibly removed from his family, and that you had adopted from DSS on your Blog?? I mean come on, the Internet is there for everyone, and by putting his picture on this somewhat anonymous site, I would be leaving myself open to his family finding out about this Blog, and God himself only knows what would happen then.
Frankly any adoptive parent out there who tells you that they love "all" of their children the same is full of shit, because I know from asking that parents who have only biologically related children that they love each one differently. You would have to Love them differently in my opinion, because they are not clones of each other, so they are in fact different people, to be loved differently.
DNA is a word, and Kent has a little sister that will look up to him and love and adore him for the rest of her life, matching DNA or not.
So go get bent jackass.
May 15, 2008
Who Knew????
Who Knew... that the sight of a very pregnant 14-16 year old in her jammies and slippers, in the baby section at Tar*et could make you seriously want to walk up to her and Punch her in the face. It was disgusting really, she has no idea what she has there!!!
Who Knew... that Michelle Dugg*r would still be able to walk without a limp or she should at least be hellaciously bow legged by now!! Come on people are you freaking kidding me here... this is pushing he limits of a human uterus if I have ever seen one!! YUCK!!!
Who Knew... that Mothers Day could still suck, even after you have a baby!!! Yeah that's right I said it... My Mothers day sucked the big one!! Mostly it was Kent who let me down with the 30 seconds that he spent "making" my card. If he was 5 it might have been cute, but he is 16 for crying out loud. He made no mention of getting anything to Clark, or me, so we just waited to see what he would come up with, and I got my heart broken..... what a freaking bummer!!! I mean I got a cute card from Clark and Turtle, along with Turtle's birthstone baby, but I actually had started looking forward to the fact that this boy can think for himself and might come up with something that would really make my heart melt.... Yeah. Not. So. Much. Also I should mention that Little Miss Turtle has been sick off an on for weeks now, and as of Sunday she was gearing up for her second try at a double ear infection, so she was NOT in a pleasant mood. She spent most of the day wanting to be held and screaming, so that didn't help matters much. Of course I am sure that I am to blame because I had the day all worked out in my mind to be a star studded (sarc) event.. LOL jokes on me!!!
Who Knew.... that just going into Babie$RU$ after you had a real live baby could still bring the vile, evil, nasty infertile feelings right back up your throat!! I have the hardest time still seeing those bellies. I can hardly stand to go into that store, or even see pregnant women, even though I have the Turtle with me, so she is my reminder that I beat the old Bitch that is infertility.... I'm just saying.... it doesn't get any easier after you have felt the burn for so many years.... I really wish that it did!!!
Who Knew... that the new insurance carriers were going to be such JACKASS' about our IF coverage.... LOL according to them, I am no longer infertile since I was able to get pregnant and carry an infant to term!! HA!!! I guess someone forgot to tell my ovaries that since they are still on strike!! I haven't had a visit from AF since I finished my post partum bleeding.... go figure, once again my body said "Uh yeah you thought you had beaten us!!!"
So those are just a few of the things bouncing around in my head the last week or so, and I have to admit it gets frustrating!! I am really surprised at myself sometimes about how hard the reaction to a pregnant belly is, but I had a friend tell me the other day that something that you lived with for almost half of your life won't just change in such a short time. The teen in Targ*t... yeah I would have felt that way in infertile or not, it was just sick I tell you, and it breaks my heart. I have seen that situation fail more often then not, and it breaks my heart for that innocent little baby. I guess that infertility becomes such a part of you when you have to deal with it for so long that giving it up is like breaking a bad habit, you know it isn't healthy, but you need it to feel "normal". UGH
So the Turtle is growing at her own pace, and we have our 4 month visit next week I think.... so hard to believe all that time has gone by already!! It cracks me up at the changes that she has made to!! She is a very demanding little soul, but also such a comedian!! She is getting the cutest little personality, and it just stuns me when she does things like her daddy or I. She really is an amazing little person, and I cannot imagine a day without her here!!!
As you can tell by the Ins. Co comment, I am being told that we are gonna have to jump through hoops again. The company is the same, but they changed carriers if that makes any sense, so now I have to start all over again. What I am hoping to do though is to have the RE write us a letter to try to change their minds... wish me luck ion that one. With 35 coming up on me next month, we need to just get this show on the road now, not 2 freaking years from now!!! Besides, as much as I hated being pregnant the last time, this time can't be any worse!! Someone asked me that the other day, if I hated being pregnant so much then why in the world would I want to do it again?? Uh gee cuz that is how you get a baby!! DUH!! But honestly, I am just so in love with this little girl, that I want more!! I know the greed that consumes me!! LOL :o)
Oh yeah Clark made it through his two weeks away with amazing ease, I wish I could say the same for us though, as we were all sick most of the time, so he actually got pretty damn lucky!! The end of the school year is looming again, and I don't know what we are going to do about summer and a job or something for Kent, I guess we will have to work harder on that, but hell I am just happy that he made it through unscathed for the most part!!
Well, it is late, and the Turtle will be up soon for her middle of the night, feel better bottle... maybe.... that is something she likes to do, she switches it up sometimes to keep mommy hopping!!!! Turkey!!!
Who Knew... that Michelle Dugg*r would still be able to walk without a limp or she should at least be hellaciously bow legged by now!! Come on people are you freaking kidding me here... this is pushing he limits of a human uterus if I have ever seen one!! YUCK!!!
Who Knew... that Mothers Day could still suck, even after you have a baby!!! Yeah that's right I said it... My Mothers day sucked the big one!! Mostly it was Kent who let me down with the 30 seconds that he spent "making" my card. If he was 5 it might have been cute, but he is 16 for crying out loud. He made no mention of getting anything to Clark, or me, so we just waited to see what he would come up with, and I got my heart broken..... what a freaking bummer!!! I mean I got a cute card from Clark and Turtle, along with Turtle's birthstone baby, but I actually had started looking forward to the fact that this boy can think for himself and might come up with something that would really make my heart melt.... Yeah. Not. So. Much. Also I should mention that Little Miss Turtle has been sick off an on for weeks now, and as of Sunday she was gearing up for her second try at a double ear infection, so she was NOT in a pleasant mood. She spent most of the day wanting to be held and screaming, so that didn't help matters much. Of course I am sure that I am to blame because I had the day all worked out in my mind to be a star studded (sarc) event.. LOL jokes on me!!!
Who Knew.... that just going into Babie$RU$ after you had a real live baby could still bring the vile, evil, nasty infertile feelings right back up your throat!! I have the hardest time still seeing those bellies. I can hardly stand to go into that store, or even see pregnant women, even though I have the Turtle with me, so she is my reminder that I beat the old Bitch that is infertility.... I'm just saying.... it doesn't get any easier after you have felt the burn for so many years.... I really wish that it did!!!
Who Knew... that the new insurance carriers were going to be such JACKASS' about our IF coverage.... LOL according to them, I am no longer infertile since I was able to get pregnant and carry an infant to term!! HA!!! I guess someone forgot to tell my ovaries that since they are still on strike!! I haven't had a visit from AF since I finished my post partum bleeding.... go figure, once again my body said "Uh yeah you thought you had beaten us!!!"
So those are just a few of the things bouncing around in my head the last week or so, and I have to admit it gets frustrating!! I am really surprised at myself sometimes about how hard the reaction to a pregnant belly is, but I had a friend tell me the other day that something that you lived with for almost half of your life won't just change in such a short time. The teen in Targ*t... yeah I would have felt that way in infertile or not, it was just sick I tell you, and it breaks my heart. I have seen that situation fail more often then not, and it breaks my heart for that innocent little baby. I guess that infertility becomes such a part of you when you have to deal with it for so long that giving it up is like breaking a bad habit, you know it isn't healthy, but you need it to feel "normal". UGH
So the Turtle is growing at her own pace, and we have our 4 month visit next week I think.... so hard to believe all that time has gone by already!! It cracks me up at the changes that she has made to!! She is a very demanding little soul, but also such a comedian!! She is getting the cutest little personality, and it just stuns me when she does things like her daddy or I. She really is an amazing little person, and I cannot imagine a day without her here!!!
As you can tell by the Ins. Co comment, I am being told that we are gonna have to jump through hoops again. The company is the same, but they changed carriers if that makes any sense, so now I have to start all over again. What I am hoping to do though is to have the RE write us a letter to try to change their minds... wish me luck ion that one. With 35 coming up on me next month, we need to just get this show on the road now, not 2 freaking years from now!!! Besides, as much as I hated being pregnant the last time, this time can't be any worse!! Someone asked me that the other day, if I hated being pregnant so much then why in the world would I want to do it again?? Uh gee cuz that is how you get a baby!! DUH!! But honestly, I am just so in love with this little girl, that I want more!! I know the greed that consumes me!! LOL :o)
Oh yeah Clark made it through his two weeks away with amazing ease, I wish I could say the same for us though, as we were all sick most of the time, so he actually got pretty damn lucky!! The end of the school year is looming again, and I don't know what we are going to do about summer and a job or something for Kent, I guess we will have to work harder on that, but hell I am just happy that he made it through unscathed for the most part!!
Well, it is late, and the Turtle will be up soon for her middle of the night, feel better bottle... maybe.... that is something she likes to do, she switches it up sometimes to keep mommy hopping!!!! Turkey!!!
May 1, 2008
Happy Conception Day!!!!
Dearest Turtle,
It was one year ago today that your daddy and I shuffled off at the crack of dawn all full of hope. We joked and laughed that day, and prayed that things would turn out the way we needed them to. There ended up being 8 little embies including you made that morning (your grandpa's birthday by the way!!). I cannot even go back to that day without thinking about all of the hope that I carried into the clinic with me. The dream that rode on those very tiny little cells that became you that day, has been in reality better then I could have ever imagined. You have made your daddy and I the happiest we have ever been. You have turned our lives upside down in the most beautiful way. I am so glad that you are here, and that you were made just for us. I am so happy that you chose this day one year ago to become my daughter, and I look forward to all the years that we are going to share with each other!! I love you!!
Mommy
It was one year ago today that your daddy and I shuffled off at the crack of dawn all full of hope. We joked and laughed that day, and prayed that things would turn out the way we needed them to. There ended up being 8 little embies including you made that morning (your grandpa's birthday by the way!!). I cannot even go back to that day without thinking about all of the hope that I carried into the clinic with me. The dream that rode on those very tiny little cells that became you that day, has been in reality better then I could have ever imagined. You have made your daddy and I the happiest we have ever been. You have turned our lives upside down in the most beautiful way. I am so glad that you are here, and that you were made just for us. I am so happy that you chose this day one year ago to become my daughter, and I look forward to all the years that we are going to share with each other!! I love you!!
Mommy
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