May 26, 2008

Gosh.....

First off I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post, I didn't think it was that profound!! After reading all the comments, I got to thinking about things that some of you said, and I actually have a little more insight.....


I know that each of you will relate to this thought.


"What have I ever done that was so bad that I cannot have a baby??"


I probably asked myself, The Universe, and Clark that about a million times, and you know what?? There never was an answer. We are never going to get one, because there is nothing on this earth that any of us has EVER done (Unless you killed someone, and in that case I don't want to know about it) to deserve the blackhole that is Infertility. However, you cannot tell an infertile woman that, or you may just get the beating of your life. We look for reasons that this happened to us, a place to put the blame, usually there isn't one, not an honestly valid one. Infertility didn't happen beacuse you were a bully in junior high, because you had premarital relations, ran over a dog with your car, or any of the other ten million reasons running through our brains. There are the cases where there was some sort of infection or something medically wrong, but still, it doesn't change the pain. It never will change no matter how we got here, we are here.



There are always going to be infertiles that move in and out of our lives. Some will come and go with ease, and some will stick around and become the closest of friends. I see that people who move on from infertility (if you really can) do so in one of two ways.... MOVE ON and leave us all behind, or MOVE AHEAD and do the best they can to carry the rest of us with them. There will always be fairweather friends, it just hurts a little more when they bail after you share something soulfully deep, like Infertility, as your binding tie. It really sucks when people move on in a hurtful way. I would like to say that most of us don't realize that we are doing it, hurting the ones we left behind, but the truth is I know exactly why a lot of us do it.....

Fear.

Plain and simple, but on a few different levels. I can vouch for this personally, or at least this is how I feel now.

Most of us fear hurting you with our newfound joy. Nothing feels more painful then watching someone get the one thing that you so desperately want. I for one don't want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone, the hurt for me is still all to fresh in my heart and soul. We don't want to say or do the wrong things, so for some of us distancing ourselves is what comes easiest. We want to be happy, most of us "need" to be happy, and for you to be happy to. There are some people who seem to quickly forget the pain that is IF. (Either that or thier sensitivity gene is missing) We as a society embrace sharing, we teach our children to do it, so when we get the Ticket, we must share. Right or Wrong. I still have more days then not when I "look away" from the fertile world. That isn't who I am, I am still an Infertile. I always will be. I ask my infertile friends if they want me to bring Turtle when we meet, or hang out. It isn't that I don't want to share her, but like I said, I remember that pain, and why in the hell would I want to punch someone in the gut just because? I don't, so I tread lightly. I ask if the Turtle is welcome. I try to be sensitive.

Now for some women there is a literal fear of other infertiles, I have to fess up to this one. I actually got scared meeting one of my infertile friends for the first time. I had invited her to come down to visit us, and then I got terrified that she was going to come kill me and steal the Turtle. I even went so far as to tell Clark all of her information. Just. In. Case. Thankfully that didn't happen, and I actually talked to her about my fear, we had a good laugh about it. After the fact. But we all know those women are out there. I know that may sound just assinine, but really lets go there, it happens, and more often then I am sure we know. It is sad that we have to think things like that. Oh hell, maybe I just watch to much TV for my own good, blame it on the months of bedrest.


Lastly, being a new parent is like a new recruit going into war!! You can go to Boot Camp all you want... read the books, babysit, take parenting classes, hell we even had our two God kids live with us for almost a year as toddlers (great experience), but nothing can prepare you for bringing that new born baby home. Nothing. This little person now relies soley on you for everything, and they let you know that to. Now instead of doing all you can to get them here safe and sound, the game changes. Shit gets serious!! Babies are so selfish, gotta love them, but it's true. Everything, and I mean everything is about them, nothing is even remotely about you or your other half. Sleep, showers, and clean clothes become a thing of the past, so does eating a hot meal... forget what that was like, ain't happening any time soon.... that is of course inless you can inhale something in the 5 seconds after you get it out of the microwave!! Then you have all of the doctors appointments to deal with, more even if you have a not so healthy babe.

I haven't slept through the night since Turtle was born.... she has, but Mommy?? Not. So. Much. I'm terrified that she is going to die in the middle of the night. The odds are slim, but well, look at what it took to get me here!! I am Mrs. Murphy!! So, I plunked down my 199.99 on the baby monitor of all monitors, it all but tells me when she needs her diaper changed, so I can sleep easier right. Not!!! The monitor is under my pillow, and I hear every little noise she makes, and she is a noisey little thing in her sleep.

It really becomes all consuming. Overwhelming for the most part really. To me it was it was like getting voted leader of my own country and not having a lick of experience running anything but myself. Terrifying. Heck I still have had fertile friends call and ask when in the hell they are going to see us again, one lives 3 miles from me.

So please understand that while it may feel like we are abandoning the IF world, frankly most of the time everyone, and I mean everyone becomes colateral damage for at least a few weeks. They will be back. This happens to Fertiles to, or so I am told. It isn't intentional. Usually. I won't lie and say that all infertiles do this. Some of them pick up their "Ticket" and haul ass!! They don't want any part of Infertility after the fact, those are the ones that feel like they have to cut and run. That doesn't make it hurt any less I know, but as we all are aware, not everyone comes home from war in one piece, if they even come home at all.

7 comments:

Rachelle said...

What a great post! I am commenting for NaComLeavMo, but your blog title intriqued me (as I have madwoman in my title too) and I am also parenting after IF. I remember never sleeping when my first little guy was born. I was so afraid he would die on me. It's good to meet you!

Fiddle1 said...

I just have to give you credit for posting such insightful entries as frequently as you do with a 4 month old! I have thought about what you've said so many times and ways and it all distills down to this: having children, not being able to have children, and loosing children (and processing and talking about it all) is the most raw, painful, truthful, and hopeful dialogue any woman can have. And those dichotomies are very difficult to navigate. I guess all we can do is keep trying to converse, educate and relate. Thanks for such a thoughtful few posts.

~Jess said...

Here from NCLM
I absolutely agree with your post. Many desperately want to forget their tribulations once they've obtained their "ticket" and others choose to remember where they came from. We all have to do what we need to, in order to get on with our own lives and be happy.
Infertility certainly makes some of the most simple things very painful.

Lost in Space said...

I think this rings true for friendships in general. We tend to associate with those who share our interests. The interest draws us in and we share and commiserate and support each other because we completely "get" what the other person is going through at that time.

As some graduate and others don't, our interests change. We still have a common bond and support the best we can, but I don't think we can completely "get" what one another is going through. I'm not saying the grads don't remember what it is like to be infertile, just that they are in a different place.

I can't relate to sleep deprivation or knowing the worry of a little one, but I can tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers that each day gets a little better and more enjoyable as you settle into mommyhood. (Hugs)

Kelly D said...

Here from NCLM
Your post was amazing and so true. I have friends on both sides of infertility and other friends who cut bait and ran once they had their children. They say they just want to be happy and forget all of the pain. Cannot say that I blame them, but if we don't continue the conversations once we reach the other side, where does that leave those still suffering?

baby~amore' said...

hi
I'm here from NaComLeavCom

excellent post ... I wish I had something earnest to say - but they said it already. Very insightful words there.

I am parenting an adopted son (got
him at 13.5 months locally), gave birth to stillborn daughter 10 years later in 2004 and in 2006 we were blessed with IVF twins.
My Little Drummer boys

Panamahat said...

Found your blog through NCLM and have enjoyed reading not only the last few very insightful posts but also the accompanying comments.

I know friends of mine tread lightly for fear of saying the 'wrong thing' and others have immersed themselves in their new families for so long that ten years have gone by. My male friends invariably left something on the stove when I mention my TTC history.

It is hard to keep connected when you have less and less in common with someone. Equally, some friendships are worth their weight in gold and worth all the effort it takes to keep them. It is sometimes a fine balance, and difficult for both parties, on either side of the fence.

I particularly liked this parting remark "not everyone comes home from war in one piece, if they even come home at all."

Yes. A good reminder perhaps not to judge so harshly. I often wonder if that 'forgetting what it was like' behaviour is linked to the healing process. I suspect that some people need to cut ties in order to put the whole sorry experience into the past, and to have any part of it still dangling in the wind is just too painful for them. If that is what they need to do to heal, then perhaps all I can do is be more accepting and understanding of that.

Thanks everyone for prodding my thoughts in this general direction. I needed it.