May 23, 2008

The "Ticket" can suck, ya know.....

So, Turtle is laying in the middle of the living room floor right now doing everything she can to get that short little body of hers to roll over... it is so damn cute I tell you. As I was watching her I thought about how it is fitting at this moment that we call her Turtle, because that is what she looks like right now... a turtle on its back trying to right itself!!

I have been pondering our journey the last few days, and there have been some posts out here in blog land that have gotten me to thinking a lot about Infertility, pregnancy, and the ones that we "leave behind" when we get that "Golden Ticket". You know we don't want to leave you there, and I am sure that given the chance most of us would take all the other infertiles we could stuff in our pockets with us if we could. Sadly enough life just doesn't work like that.

I was on the other side of that ticket for almost 15 years. I watched the 14 year old neighbor get knocked up, twice. I watched all of the cousins and other family members my age grow their families one by one. I watched most of my friends have their dreams fulfilled. I watched as everyone around me got the one thing that I so desperately wanted, and it killed me inside. I was depressed most of the time, and didn't even want to get out of bed most days!!! The tears that endlessly flowed, could have drowned a small country if put together and dumped out all at once. Desperation. Anger. Frustration. Fear. Denial. All real feelings. The heartbreak is unreal, I know it is, I Know how it feels.

So, I guess that is why I get a little peeved when another infertile brings up the fact that it pisses them off when those of us who get the "Ticket" complain about being pregnant. I remember thinking I would kill to be in those shoes, and how it drove me nuts when women complained about being pregnant, it is a slap in the face, I know. However, now having been in those shoes, I think that we also need to look at what the new "Ticket Holder" is going through. We already know that for the most part they have been through hell just to get the Ticket. For most of us getting there is only half the battle, unfortunately. So then you see we get all kinds of things heaped on the Ticket, and it seems to become a "Conditional Ticket". There are the multiple pregnancies, the Placenta Previa's, HELLP, IUGR, bed rest.... frankly I could go on forever with all that can go wrong, and in some cases does. Some make it out alive, so to speak, and some don't. Some go on to have babies that spend days, weeks, or even months in the NICU. Some end up with special needs children. Some end up with no child at all. It sucks. It. Really. Fucking. Sucks. I hate IF more then anything ever, and that says a lot with this being an election year.

But..........

Just as we MUST rally around those in the trenches. We MUST also rally around those holding the Ticket, because what happens when it is your turn to hold, and God forbid something goes wrong, who will you turn to?? Who will "hold your hand" and tell you everything is going to work out? Who is going to catch you when you trip or fall? Who will be there to help you pick up the pieces? Who will rejoice when all goes well, and you make it out alive?? The IF World that is who. Proof Positive is out there, in more ways then one. We, as they say, can do more united then divided.

So, I leave you with this thought...

Infertilies are like Turtles laying on their backs in the middle of the road... Just because you manage to right yourself, doesn't mean there isn't a truck coming around the corner to run your ass over.

15 comments:

Samantha said...

I think we're all here to support each other. I think there's the occasional internet troll out there, and I'm sorry that one chose to stop by your blog.

Even though I haven't been pregnant, I know it ain't easy, so I hope it I do get there, people will deal with a little complaining!

DC said...

I LOVE this post. Very eloquent.

My husband and I are going through both IVF and adoption, so I was very glad to find your blog (through NaComLeavMo).

I'm a brand-new blogger, so if you get a moment, please stop in and say hello. :)

http://lupuspie.blogspot.com

SAHW said...

Great post! You summed it up very well. Those of us who haven't received the ticket might sometimes think we're the only ones suffering, but I know that it's not all a bed of roses afterwards either. And when and if I get to the other side, I know I'll need all the support I can get, just as much as now.

sara said...

Hey thanks for the comment from NaComLeavMo. Holy crap, could you have said things any better than what you just did in this post? Your comment about getting the previa and then bed rest had me going, yup...that's me totally these days! Somedays I feel like I'm just waiting for the truck to come out of no where. Although, I do realize how blessed I am to even have the opprotunity to wait for the truck if you know what I mean :-)

E_Sharp said...

Great analogy!
It's unfortunate that some people are more susceptible to negative feelings, and are quick to try and put sorrow into some kind of hierarchy, which isn't really fair. Each person's misery is significant to them. I mean, if we wanted to play that game, people who are struggling with difficulty getting pregnant (myself included)can be told that hey, at least they don't have cancer, right?
But, I am no Mother Theresa. The dark cloud envelopes me too sometimes...

Lost in Space said...

Thanks for this post. It looks like you have had a really long and hard journey. Huge ((hugs)) for all you have been through.

It can be such a delicate situation trying to find a balance as some move on to the new battles of pregnancy while others remain stuck in the infertile world.

I try very hard to remain supportive of my graduate friends, but there are days when I don't feel strong enough to look at u/s pics or hear about m/s. I think it is alot to ask of someone who so desperately wants what you have. I'm not saying to not complain about pregnancy, but to know your audience. I support my pg friends the best that I can and I hope their other pg friends can help fill in the gaps where I fall short.

I have also seen the other side of this where graduate friends move on and forget about those of us still in the trenches. It hurts to not only be left behind, but then forgotten. I had to find mostly new friends to go through IVF#2 with because many of the grads from my IVF#1 rarely look back to say "hi".

I do agree with what you are saying to stay united. I just wanted to point out that it goes both ways.

Huge (hugs) to you.

Wishing 4 One said...

Wiping my eyes...This post made me cry and moved me so much. One of THE best I have read in a long time. (I added a link to it on my blog, hope that’s ok)

What really got me is how you felt watching those around you having babies all those years, yearning for the same and how much it hurt. I have experienced the exact same feelings for 10+ years, and still do now. It is a struggle, and at times harder than others. To want something so badly, that you thought would be so easy, and to find out that no matter what you do, MAYBE just maybe you will not get it, man that’s hard.

You are very lucky to have been blessed with Turtle. I truly want to share with you how very, very happy I am for you and can’t imagine the feelings you feel when you look at her everyday.

Let's hope some of us who are awaiting that Ticket get our own Turtles someday…

Cece said...

Love your post. I'm 12+ weeks right now, after trying for 3 years. I was just jumping around through blogs and saw a post where someone said 'I hate fertile people' because she happened on a blog with a u/s posted. I must admit to posting my 10 week u/s - and I was SO excited to finally get to do that. Does trying for 3 years, an ectopic pregnancy, miscarraige, IUIs, 2 IVFs... does that make me 'fertile'? I guess!?!?

Pepper said...

I love the analogy at the end of this post because it is so true! I wish more people remembered it.

Lost in Space pretty much summed up what I was thinking: the desertion comes from both sides of the ticket. It does make me sad when my newly pg friends move on into Fertile World so quickly. I know it has to happen eventually, but I admit to feeling a little used when they suddenly stop posting and/or commenting. It's almost as if they got what they needed, so now they're going to leave the rest of us behind because they don't need us anymore.

Anyway, thanks for giving me some food for thought. And congratulations on your little Turtle! She is too cute!

Hope2morrow said...

To me, those that get pregnant are a ray of hope in this dark and dreary world of infertility! Thank you for your post, although I am happy for the ones that receive the Ticket. I hope to be able to sing the "I've Got A Golden Ticket" song from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory one day. Good things come to those who wait...

Bon said...

Good post. I will try harder to be happy for those with the ticket. It's just really hard when it's definately a random lottery.

pamela.ilovemcdreamy said...

Great great post... love it love it love it.

momofonefornow said...

What a great post. I'm sure that wasn't easy to write but you did a great job with it.

Laura said...

NaComLeavMo

So, so true & so well put

Me said...

Wow. This really hits the spot.

I have adopted/stolen a line from Sex & the City, where Charlotte says "That's not our baby" through tears.

That's how I feel. No one having a baby has taken mine away from me. That is not my baby. Miss Turtle is unbearably cute but she is not my baby. It SUCKS to always feel left behind. It SUCKS to remember the friend who was single at the start of my infertility struggle who is now married with 2 kids. It SUCKS that everyone else in the infertility support group is now a parent. It SUCKS that every new baby seems to mark the lonely passage of time. But none of that has taken a baby from me.

I'm still working on what we did to deserve this ;-)