April 27, 2006

I Am Falling Apart.....

Hate, Discontent, Depression, Sadness, Failure... These are the things that my heart is feeling and has been since last Wendsday... It has been that long since I have been willing to sign on to my journal and face myself in writing.

1. I quit my Job... Just walked away, I cannot do a nursing home, it is so sad and depressing there... 2 nights was all it took, and I was ready for sunshine again. The 11-7 shift is not compatable with my body anymore not to mention the fact that I cannot understand the reasoning for having to wake up a bunch of elderly people 3-4 times a night to give them juice, and I just didn't feel like they were getting the care that I wanted to give them. I just can't do it, and now I feel like a LOSER. I couldn't do it. Story of my life. Inability to maintain. I feel horrible, I let myself down one more time.

2. I am still sitting here waiting for word from DSS about my cert. letter to the director... something tells me they don't care, and I am going to have to take this to a whole new legal level. My thought though is that it won't be worth it, and it won't change anything anyway. On that very same note, I got an email from a social worker on Monday about a sibling group that we had inquired about back in November who were just TPR'd. In my stupid heartfelt haste I responded before I even thought about it "yes we would LOVE to be included in the family search to adopt them." Then I remembered I can't. I can't, because I am no longer a foster parent, I have lost my identity, an important part of my being has been snatched from me for no plausable reason. I want more then anything on the planet to grow this family, and it seems like everytime I am presented with a chance to do that, I have my legs pulled out from under me, and it is breaking my heart and soul. If DSS thinks I am such an amazing foster mom, then why did they do this to me?? My pain is more and more becoming an internal one because I don't want Clark to see how totally wrecked I am about this whole thing... he can't understand why I am so devistated. He doesn't feel it like I do. He cannot understand why I have let these people hurt me with their words of rejection. It isn't that I don't want to get over this and move on, because I do, but they have broken something deep in me that I cannot touch right now, so I can't even begin to fix it. The whole thing has become a strike in my psyche that may never heal. I am not good enough.

3. My MIL and I sort of had words this past weekend because for the 3rd time in as many months she has commented to me that Clark and I do not need to have children... I finally lost it with her and asked her WHY she keeps saying that to me... she said it only made sense to her that since Kent would be 18 in 4 years that we wouldn't want to saddle ourselves with babies when we are already so late in the game with him. @@ So I told her that I don't see it that way, but then I internalized it this way... 1. She must think I am or will be a terrible mother who would be unable to handle a newborn, or 2. She is scared that it will pass on my BiPolar to HER grandchild. I think it all rolls together with her, and I don't know why she can't just keep her comments to herself. She hurts me, and she HAS got to know that. There has never been to much between us, and it has been years that she has had a coldness towards me. I don't think that she will EVER fully acknowledge Kent as her grandson either, and that saddens me to for him. That kid has been part of US for 6 years, and that is how it is going to stay he is OUR SON, and she needs to get over whatever is in her heart that keeps her from accepting him. I asked her again when they were going to come out this summer, and she has started to waffle... she has things that have to be done before she can solidify their plans.... I am taking that as they won't be coming. No matter I guess, I would rather not subject my son to her coldness anyway. I don't understand it, and I guess I won't.

4. I got confirmation yesterday from the RE that I am the only one with a problem.... Clark's boys are all fine, and within normal limits. Not that I wanted anything to be wrong with him, but the IF label is once again thrust fully on my shoulders... I am the BROKEN one, just me, and me alone. My body is the only one betraying us. Betraying Me. I Hate this, it is the most horrible feeling I have ever felt. My own body is the reason I am not able to have a child, and that makes me hate myself. I am so tired of feeling like there is hope at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel is my soul, and I cannot see any light down deep in there. I used to be optimistic, but now I am just bitter and depressed. I look in the mirror every morning and try to grasp what it is that my body needs to get in gear, and I know that there needs to be a heart that believes in an end, and I know that right now my heart doesn't have that. All I feel when I look in that mirror is anger. It actually borders on Hate to be totally honest. I don't see a beautiful woman with so much to offer her children, I see a 32 year old woman who has a body that refuses to give her the one thing that she NEEDS, WANTS and DESIRES more then the breaths that she takes everyday. A body that seems not to care what it's heart and soul wants, just that it refuses to work. Or, has it colluded with my deep inner brain, and they together without including the other two parts(Heart & Soul) come to the realization that I cannot handle pregnancy, a new born, and daily life without crashing mentally?? If they did then why in the hell didn't they tell me?? I mean let the heart and soul know what the body and brain are up to for crying out loud!! Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Not in the stars. Not my cup of Tea. God, if that is the case will someone let me know... because it is draining the life out of me!! I am so depressed right now, and have been for over a week now. Maybe it is PMS, maybe the meds are cutting out a little, maybe it is because I haven't been to the therapist in 3 weeks. Maybe it is just that somewhere deep, deep down inside I am coming to the realization that I will not ever feel the kicks, hickups, bumps, and pain of pregnancy, and then the ensuing love of a child that Clark and I have created with our love for each other. I will never see that little heart beating safely nestled in my womb, growing bigger everyday, letting me believe in myself again, letting my soul heal from all the years of heartbreak, maybe letting me give this world something of US that will be so beautiful that everyone will love it. I don't feel it, I don't have the faith anywhere in me that I will ever get this one thing, and my heart hurts so deeply with this knowledge that I can't find happiness even in Spring the way that I used to... Spring is just one more way the world lets me know that I AM BROKEN, that I cannot offer my renewal to the Earth. I just want this to all be over with is that so much to ask?? Something has to give or I am going to break.

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