I decompressed...

Well it has been a long 2 weeks and change since I last wrote, and things haven't gotten any better with my attitude. Things here have been busy, but that isn't my excuse for not writing... it has all been me, depressed, pathetic, jealous, envyous me. I have gotten selfish. I don't want to be happy everyday anymore. I want to scream and cry to my hearts content, and not have the disaproving glare of Clark upon me when I do it. I want to rant about how unfair life is, and not have him think that it has to do with him... it doesn't. It has to do with me... all of it. Why can't I just suck it up and accept the fact that I don't have a baby, can't have a baby, and probably will never have a baby?? Because I have a UTERUS & OVARIES that's why!! I have had a few moments of lucidity where I can clearly accept not being a mom, thinking of all the freedom we will have in 5 years when Kent is gone to college, how much I LOVE my sleep, how I can just get in the car and go w/o thinking twice about it..... and then just a quickly as it hit me it hauls ass back to my depths, and my mind starts playing that game with me again. Hell, at this point I have even told myself more then once that maybe "someone" know I will be a bad mother, and that is why it has been withheld. I don't know anymore, and I don't really care.

There were 2 births in my close, but small, circle of friends this week, and another a little over 2 weeks ago. I have known these women for years, since before they had children, and it has been driving me insane that I am so damn jealous of the 3 of them. I cry all the time, esp. at night when I crawl into bed, and know that I won't NEED to up until 6 am to make sure Kent is up and out the door on time. I cry because I know that I may get up in the night, but it will be because one of the dogs is whining to go out and it is my turn to roll my butt out of bed, warm up my coffee, have a few sips, smoke a cigarette, and crawl back into bed praying that I can go right back to sleep so that my mind won't have time to contemplate the sad state of itself. I have no idea why I do this to myself... loathing I suppose. That has to be it. I almost have to be unhappy in order to feel normal. I don't want to be unhappy all the time, I get tired of it, I really do. I just wish that I could be better at accepting my obvious fate... childless. It is actually funny to me somedays, like a cruel twist of fate, I am raising another womans child, and doing a great job... do you see the irony in it?? I "fixed" him, and helped him, but I am helpless and unable to fix myself. Sad really isn't it?? Christ this is reading like a suicide letter or something. Not that I would do that, but I tell you it has been that hopeless in my soul the last few days.......