Bad, Bad Day.....

I am having a bad day… I got pissed off at the chicken I was making for dinner… Why?? You might ask… because a chickens are always fertile!! I tested today, 16 days post “ovulation”, and it was negative. Of course it was, what was I expecting?? A miracle maybe, or am I just delusional enough to think that Clark and I had gotten “it” right this month, and I could forgo the next few months of drugs and heartache?? No such luck, and it SUCKS. I have days like this when I just wish I didn’t even have ovaries or a uterus, not to mention the hormones that taunt me so severely. Why does the one thing that most people do accidentally, not accidentally happen for me?? I hate feeling like this, and I can’t stop it… no amount of psych meds can take this pain away for me, and I hate that to. I wish I could pop a pill, and not care that I will be 33 years old in just 2 months, and that I am no closer to being a “mother” then I was when I was 18. It pisses me off more then anything I guess, because my body betrays me every month, and every month I give it another try at winning me over… it never does, so I fell like I am lost in a loveless “marriage” with my body who serves as someone who has no capacity to give, no matter how well I treat it. I am stuck in a never ending cycle of begging MYSELF to work, and make a baby, and I just keep having this mute point fight every month. When will I learn that I seem to not be able or willing to give myself the one thing I want more then life, without it having to drain my soul so much?? I guess it really makes no difference this month.......

I got a call that we need to go get one of the puppies that we had adopted out, but he won't be a puppy anymore. I guess the couple split up, he kept the dog, the dog bit his new girlfriend, so they had it quarentiened, and the SPCA called her today and told her to come get him or they were gonna put him to sleep. Well she lives in TN now, and she called me crying that she didn't wat him to get put to sleep, but that she couldn't come get him, so she wanted to know if we could go get him and find him a new home!! Well, of course I will. So tomorrow our dog count will go up to 9... good lord did I say 9.. wow. Seems like it was just yesterday they adopted him... he is one of P's brothers, and all boy, so this could get interesting.

I want everyone to know that I saw The Notebook yesterday, and good grief.... I have NEVER cried like that in my life!!!!! I literally SOBBED until my heart hurt!! It was the most beautiful love story I have ever seen!!! I cried so hard that it hurt Clark's feelings. He actually started to cry because I was crying so hard, and because he was the one suggested that I watch it!! I guess it was just the best example of how I saw my grandparents loving each other!! I know alot of it was hormonal, but alot of it was because it was just an amazing story!! This November will be 10 years since my grandmother died, and there isn't a day in the last 10 years that I haven't though of her, and my grandfather, he passed almost a year to the day after my grandmother, and I know it was because he loved her sooo much that he couldn't live without her. He knew he was dying, and didn't want to get his heart fixed because he missed her so much. That is the love that I have for Clark, just that deep and pure. So maybe that is the reason I get so desperate every month..... I want that love to live on.

Well I have to go, Clark is home, and we need to talk about the porch arguement that we seem to keep having... I guess there will be no vacation for me, unless I go back to work, and earn the money myself!!! Hmmmmm and so I go.........