I Am Falling Apart.....

Hate, Discontent, Depression, Sadness, Failure... These are the things that my heart is feeling and has been since last Wendsday... It has been that long since I have been willing to sign on to my journal and face myself in writing.

1. I quit my Job... Just walked away, I cannot do a nursing home, it is so sad and depressing there... 2 nights was all it took, and I was ready for sunshine again. The 11-7 shift is not compatable with my body anymore not to mention the fact that I cannot understand the reasoning for having to wake up a bunch of elderly people 3-4 times a night to give them juice, and I just didn't feel like they were getting the care that I wanted to give them. I just can't do it, and now I feel like a LOSER. I couldn't do it. Story of my life. Inability to maintain. I feel horrible, I let myself down one more time.

2. I am still sitting here waiting for word from DSS about my cert. letter to the director... something tells me they don't care, and I am going to have to take this to a whole new legal level. My thought though is that it won't be worth it, and it won't change anything anyway. On that very same note, I got an email from a social worker on Monday about a sibling group that we had inquired about back in November who were just TPR'd. In my stupid heartfelt haste I responded before I even thought about it "yes we would LOVE to be included in the family search to adopt them." Then I remembered I can't. I can't, because I am no longer a foster parent, I have lost my identity, an important part of my being has been snatched from me for no plausable reason. I want more then anything on the planet to grow this family, and it seems like everytime I am presented with a chance to do that, I have my legs pulled out from under me, and it is breaking my heart and soul. If DSS thinks I am such an amazing foster mom, then why did they do this to me?? My pain is more and more becoming an internal one because I don't want Clark to see how totally wrecked I am about this whole thing... he can't understand why I am so devistated. He doesn't feel it like I do. He cannot understand why I have let these people hurt me with their words of rejection. It isn't that I don't want to get over this and move on, because I do, but they have broken something deep in me that I cannot touch right now, so I can't even begin to fix it. The whole thing has become a strike in my psyche that may never heal. I am not good enough.

3. My MIL and I sort of had words this past weekend because for the 3rd time in as many months she has commented to me that Clark and I do not need to have children... I finally lost it with her and asked her WHY she keeps saying that to me... she said it only made sense to her that since Kent would be 18 in 4 years that we wouldn't want to saddle ourselves with babies when we are already so late in the game with him. @@ So I told her that I don't see it that way, but then I internalized it this way... 1. She must think I am or will be a terrible mother who would be unable to handle a newborn, or 2. She is scared that it will pass on my BiPolar to HER grandchild. I think it all rolls together with her, and I don't know why she can't just keep her comments to herself. She hurts me, and she HAS got to know that. There has never been to much between us, and it has been years that she has had a coldness towards me. I don't think that she will EVER fully acknowledge Kent as her grandson either, and that saddens me to for him. That kid has been part of US for 6 years, and that is how it is going to stay he is OUR SON, and she needs to get over whatever is in her heart that keeps her from accepting him. I asked her again when they were going to come out this summer, and she has started to waffle... she has things that have to be done before she can solidify their plans.... I am taking that as they won't be coming. No matter I guess, I would rather not subject my son to her coldness anyway. I don't understand it, and I guess I won't.

4. I got confirmation yesterday from the RE that I am the only one with a problem.... Clark's boys are all fine, and within normal limits. Not that I wanted anything to be wrong with him, but the IF label is once again thrust fully on my shoulders... I am the BROKEN one, just me, and me alone. My body is the only one betraying us. Betraying Me. I Hate this, it is the most horrible feeling I have ever felt. My own body is the reason I am not able to have a child, and that makes me hate myself. I am so tired of feeling like there is hope at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel is my soul, and I cannot see any light down deep in there. I used to be optimistic, but now I am just bitter and depressed. I look in the mirror every morning and try to grasp what it is that my body needs to get in gear, and I know that there needs to be a heart that believes in an end, and I know that right now my heart doesn't have that. All I feel when I look in that mirror is anger. It actually borders on Hate to be totally honest. I don't see a beautiful woman with so much to offer her children, I see a 32 year old woman who has a body that refuses to give her the one thing that she NEEDS, WANTS and DESIRES more then the breaths that she takes everyday. A body that seems not to care what it's heart and soul wants, just that it refuses to work. Or, has it colluded with my deep inner brain, and they together without including the other two parts(Heart & Soul) come to the realization that I cannot handle pregnancy, a new born, and daily life without crashing mentally?? If they did then why in the hell didn't they tell me?? I mean let the heart and soul know what the body and brain are up to for crying out loud!! Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Not in the stars. Not my cup of Tea. God, if that is the case will someone let me know... because it is draining the life out of me!! I am so depressed right now, and have been for over a week now. Maybe it is PMS, maybe the meds are cutting out a little, maybe it is because I haven't been to the therapist in 3 weeks. Maybe it is just that somewhere deep, deep down inside I am coming to the realization that I will not ever feel the kicks, hickups, bumps, and pain of pregnancy, and then the ensuing love of a child that Clark and I have created with our love for each other. I will never see that little heart beating safely nestled in my womb, growing bigger everyday, letting me believe in myself again, letting my soul heal from all the years of heartbreak, maybe letting me give this world something of US that will be so beautiful that everyone will love it. I don't feel it, I don't have the faith anywhere in me that I will ever get this one thing, and my heart hurts so deeply with this knowledge that I can't find happiness even in Spring the way that I used to... Spring is just one more way the world lets me know that I AM BROKEN, that I cannot offer my renewal to the Earth. I just want this to all be over with is that so much to ask?? Something has to give or I am going to break.

Gearing up....

I HATE MY OVARIES!!!!!

Well, the rest of Thursday was interesting... I went to the psych... we are on every 8 week visits now since I have adjusted to my meds so well... After I left there I went to SAMS Club to get my new card... remember how I made the comment last week about what I think about BIG women and their lack of clothing?? Well, there was one going in the door in front of me at SAMS who was prolly close to 450lbs, and yeah it was a warm sunny dayBUT.... she had on a tank top/bra thingie, and SHORT, SHORT, SHORT, Shorts... So short they were lost in her Butt Crack!! It was SICK. I know what color her undies were those poor shorts were stretched so tight... Her friend wasn't far off either.... what the hell posses these women to dress like that??? It just makes me ill to see stuff like that in public..... YUCK!!! I do not want or NEED to see that much flesh in one place, and frankly she ought to be ashamed of herself!! Hmmm....

Well, after that I got gas, went to Wally World, got socks, bra's, and white shoes for work... oh yeah and another PG test. Then I headed off to have lunch with my friend M. On the way there I had been thinking of Clark and his andrology appointment at the Clinic, and if he was done or not when my cell rings, and it was him... LOL.. He says to me, "hun I am having a hard time here talk Dirty to me please!!" @@ I just about wrecked the van I was laughing so hard... he was actually done, and on his way to lunch when he called... he said he just wanted to see if I would do it.... Ass!! LOL... That is why I love him so... he keeps me laughing!! M and I had lunch at this amazing Itailian place!! The food was soooo good!! After that it was off back to the house, and by the time I got there I was beat.....

BTW, I took the test, and it was negative of course... I am gonna wait a week, and if nothing happens then I will just get the provera filled, and start that....I HATE MY OVARIES... or did I say that already today????

Friday morning was orientation, and it took all freaking day!! I was actually beat by the time I got home just from sitting all day!! Istart on Monday night 11-7, and work M,T,W,T, and have F, Sat. off, then I have to work S, M, T, W.... They like to have you do 4 days on each unit with a mentor before they just turn you loose, which is FINE with me, as I am scared to death!! It is going to be a lot different then doing home health!!! Of course as soon as we get home Clark breaks out the mowers, and off we go to do yard work!! Ugh, I love him, but I HATE being rushed to do something!! Esp. when all I want to do is SLEEP!!! So anyway we went to bed pretty early, and were up half the night because a HUGE storm came through, and the thunder was so loud it shook the house for over 2 hours... needless to say the dogs were all trying to get in bed with us the whole time!! But this AM the sun was up, and the clouds were gone!!! We are gonna be pretty busy for the rest of the weekend, so, hard to tell if I will get back to this before Monday.... oh yeah......

I HATE MY OVARIES!!!

Still Pissy.....

Well, my drug test, fingerprints, and shoe shopping for my new job are all done!! I got a fantastic deal on shoes... but of course Clark was still pissed that I spent any money!!! He kills me, he has dropped over $400 bucks this week at the John Deere store for new parts for the old mower, but I spend $111 on shoes, and scrubs, and he freaks... I saved over $108 bucks, and that seemed to make him feel a little better, but he was still Pissy about it!! Geez men and "their" money!!! UGH.

D the new/old puppy is doing ok.. he reminds me of the old comic Marmaduke... he is big and CLUMSY!!!! Geez, but he really is a Lover!!! He has been getting into the pack just fine, and the other dogs all really seem to be adjusting to having him here. HE is very interested in the cats, and the little Doxies, so that has been a little bit of an issue. He has boundless energy, and that is a little bit of a bad thing since none of our other dogs are that hyper. eith thinks that it comes from his lack of attention in his old home, and the time he spent locked up. We will probably keep him for a few weeks and work on some stuff with him before we try to find him a new home. That may be interesting in itself!! I still cannot believe that he bit someone so badly as to have caused 68 stitches... Hmm gonna have to get the story from Animal Control....

I got the test scores yesterday from the AIG testing that Kent did a few weeks ago, and I found out that AIG doesn't stand for what I thought it did... it means Academically Intellectually Gifted... Go figure I have a kid like that living in my house!!!! Clark and I are so proud of him. This is a very big deal for him and us!! I am just hoping and praying that he will keep his grades up, and all that Jazz since we gave him back his stuff. He is still resistant to the idea of camp this summer, but I am sending off the application today, I am pretty sure that he will be accepted. This will be a good experience for him, I just have to convince him of that. I have such a hard time relating this to him as he is actually very discriminating against other handicapped people, and that drives me to a level of frustration with him that borders on anger because I cannot grasp how in the hell he can be this way. I have mentioned before that he is in denial of his disability, so the Psychologist thinks that is why he acts like that. I have tried to talk to him about it, and he doesn't think that he is wrong in anyway for his feelings. I have ordered a book on trying to get him to accept things better, and I am hoping that it will really help!!

The Old Hag is playing games with me, she still hasn't come full force, and I am getting tired of the whole thing. It is like a tease. Clark is going in for his andrology appointment today, so should be getting a call some time in the next week with the results of that. After the RE gets that, she should submit our test results to the ins. company, and we will know where we stand shortly after that. I hope that they approve us, I don't see any reason why they wouldn't to tell you the truth, but hell it is an ins. company so you never can tell with them. I am curious as to what they will find, but it will probably be totally normal, and just reinforce the fact that I am the broken one!!! :o(

I have orientation for my new job tomorrow, and I am actually getting nervous!! I have always done home health, and have never worked in a nursing home before, other then my clinicals. I am looking forward to it though, so that has helped out a lot.

My neighbor sold her house the other day, so now I will be getting new neighbors at the end of next month... I just hope they are decient, because we are actually a tight knit little group on this street. We are all going to get together on Sunday to let the kids hunt eggs, and then we are goig to BBQ, that is if the weather stays nice!! I love all of the neighbors but the ones on the end!! Oh they are so very RUDE, and DISRESPECTFUL! So, I am hoping that everything will turn out nice on Sunday!!

I talked to my adoption worker, and she told me that she got the position to run the Foster Care Unit, so I am very happy and proud of her... she is a great worker, and I KNOW she will make a difference over there. I still haven't heard from anyone up there about the certified letter that I sent to the director, and the asst. never returned my call from last week. Don't know what is going on, but they better get it together before I just go ahead and retain our attorney. I have given them more then enough time to get up with me, and now all they are doing is pissing me off!! UGH

Well, I am off to my day... have to go to an appointment, and gonna have lunch with a friend!! It is a beautiful morning already, and hopefully the day will stay that way!!!! Ta Ta For Now.....

Had to add this....

Ok... I decided to add to this tonight, just because I can.... I have officially decided that I HATE Spring. It has become a bain to my existance. It stands for renewal. It stands for rebirth. It stands for birth. So, that is why I hate it... everything is new in the spring. 4 of my friends are due in May, and 2 in June, and it makes me sad. Happy for them, but sad for me. The birds are laying eggs in my bird house, and I saw 2 baby rabbits in the field this morning. Puppies, Kittens, even the plants are reproducing with thier blooms. So, I have decided that Summer will be the new favorite season from now on. I am sick of seeing all the freshness around me as of right this minute, and as sad as that makes me, could be that I am just having a bitter flash and hopefully I can get over it? Somehow I am not sure that I can. How fair is that?? I haven't figured that one out yet either!! Probably not to fair to the people in my life who love me the most, but that is how my heart feels, and tonight it is very heavy with anger. I don't think that it is desperation, but it may border on it since that finger has been pointed at me more then once just in the last week or so, but mostly I think it is anger. My ovaries are there, but they serve no purpose. My uterus must have a worn out vacancy notice permanantly attached to my cervix, barring occupants from even thinking about stopping in for a 9 month extended stay. Damn tattered signs are bad for business. Good lord I never thought I would see the day when I hated spring, but today was that day.... Pathetic I tell you, sad and irritating to say the least!! I cannot for the life of me get past the anger and resentment I have for my own body.. it lets me down all the time, and that just pisses me off. It is a control thing I know, but this is the one thing I WANT control of. I want to be that woman who "accidentally" gets knocked up, that kind of loss of control I can handle, but my body is betraying me, and it PISSES me off to no end!! I cannot understand if this is punishment for some past transgression that I have no clue that I made, the Karma thing ya know, or if this is just how I was supposed to be living this time around. A lot of people throw at me that if I had been fertile Kent might not be with us, and that bears truth I suppose, but I still don't find the fairness in it. Yeah, Yeah I know LIFE isn't Fair, but shit how much unfairness should one person have to shoulder?? I have shouldered a lot of it in my life, and usually come out of it just fine, but I can't help but thinking that this is one battle that I am NOT going to win. Maybe I should just give up, and accept that I have lost......

It Never Fails.....

Well, the old Hag showed her face a little bit today, God this sucks!!! Of course it only happened because I spent the money on a freaking test!!! Like I said yesterday, I should have know better, nothing in this part of my life is going to happen the way that it should!! Boy I tell you I had really hoped this would be it.... :o(

We had to go into town today so that Clark could meet with the DAV people about our grant for a new handicapped van for Kent, and I dropped him off and went over to the nursing home where I did my clinicals last year, applied for a job, and was hired on the spot!! I was pretty supprised to be honest, but it is just what I want 11-7, and part time. I told her that I would float to if they needed me. It isn't that we need the money, but I am going to pay for the trip that Clark and I are going to take this summer. I think that he thought I was kidding him when I told him that I was going to get a job to pay for it since he is adamant that we are going to build the porch, and not go on a trip.... So I called his bluff!!! I have orientation on Friday, and have to go get my finger prints and drug test tomorrow. It will be nice to actually feel like I am contributing again, even if it just a little bit!! I am gonna have to go get more shoes though because the dogs ate one each of the pairs that I had, so I have one green clog, and one blue clog!! LOL

After that we were off to the SPCA to get the pup back. Whe we got there we were shocked at how HUGE he was... HOLY COW!!! He is a doll. The lady who runs it said that she was so glad that we were there to take him as she didn't want to put him down.... Long story short, he is a lover, and I cannot imagine that he bit anyone!! He looks just like P, but is THIN, so we are gonna have to put some meat on those bones!! He has some behavioral issues, but with a little work he will do just fine. They didn't have him neutered like they were supposed to, so that is going to have to be done ASAP as P isn't spayed yet either. I honestly want to keep him, but I know that isn't going to happen.. maybe... I think that it is time for F and H to go back to the SPCA as I cannot seem to get anywhere with them, I am stuck, and today H walked right up to the neighbors little girl, and bit her leg... thank God she had jeans on or she would have broken the skin!! Grrrr......

My next door neighbor is selling her house and moving away, and in a way I am sad, but in another way, I am glad. She has really ditched me since she met her man, and there are to many hurt feelings to recover from. I am not the only one that she did it to, and the other person is even more hurt then I am. I take things like this hard usually, but I am just tired of people stomping on my feelings, not to mention that I knew where I stood last summer. She and I have had it out, and that is all that will be said about it from here on out, unless of course she does something mean... besides I need to make sure I get my money for the mower that I sold her!! LOL Sometimes people just don't see the truth in front of them though, and she is one of those people.

The power people never came out and marked our lines, and the phone company will be out here tomorrow to lay the new lines, so I have to get on them again in the morning. UGH They want their money on time, so why can't I get my line spray painted when I need it to be???

One spot of good news today was that Kent's new wheelchair is in, and I got him and appointment for the 28th of this month!!!!!!!!!! Thank GOD!!! Now I can get this whole DSS shitstorm behind me!!! Close our adoption here, and not have to deal with any of them for a LONG time hopefully!!! It has taken 6 months to get this damn chair, and it better be worth it!! We are gonna have to rehab the old one as a spare, since it will break down, and the other one is a rigid frame, hopefully our insurance will cover it, as I don't feel like fighting with Medicaid here for it!!

Well, I have a busy day tomorrow, and since we mowed this afternoon, and did a ton of yardwork, I am freaking beat!! Not to mention a tad bit depressed to.... So, I am gonna pop my drugs, and go to bed!!!! Crips I sound pathetic!!

Bad, Bad Day.....

I am having a bad day… I got pissed off at the chicken I was making for dinner… Why?? You might ask… because a chickens are always fertile!! I tested today, 16 days post “ovulation”, and it was negative. Of course it was, what was I expecting?? A miracle maybe, or am I just delusional enough to think that Clark and I had gotten “it” right this month, and I could forgo the next few months of drugs and heartache?? No such luck, and it SUCKS. I have days like this when I just wish I didn’t even have ovaries or a uterus, not to mention the hormones that taunt me so severely. Why does the one thing that most people do accidentally, not accidentally happen for me?? I hate feeling like this, and I can’t stop it… no amount of psych meds can take this pain away for me, and I hate that to. I wish I could pop a pill, and not care that I will be 33 years old in just 2 months, and that I am no closer to being a “mother” then I was when I was 18. It pisses me off more then anything I guess, because my body betrays me every month, and every month I give it another try at winning me over… it never does, so I fell like I am lost in a loveless “marriage” with my body who serves as someone who has no capacity to give, no matter how well I treat it. I am stuck in a never ending cycle of begging MYSELF to work, and make a baby, and I just keep having this mute point fight every month. When will I learn that I seem to not be able or willing to give myself the one thing I want more then life, without it having to drain my soul so much?? I guess it really makes no difference this month.......

I got a call that we need to go get one of the puppies that we had adopted out, but he won't be a puppy anymore. I guess the couple split up, he kept the dog, the dog bit his new girlfriend, so they had it quarentiened, and the SPCA called her today and told her to come get him or they were gonna put him to sleep. Well she lives in TN now, and she called me crying that she didn't wat him to get put to sleep, but that she couldn't come get him, so she wanted to know if we could go get him and find him a new home!! Well, of course I will. So tomorrow our dog count will go up to 9... good lord did I say 9.. wow. Seems like it was just yesterday they adopted him... he is one of P's brothers, and all boy, so this could get interesting.

I want everyone to know that I saw The Notebook yesterday, and good grief.... I have NEVER cried like that in my life!!!!! I literally SOBBED until my heart hurt!! It was the most beautiful love story I have ever seen!!! I cried so hard that it hurt Clark's feelings. He actually started to cry because I was crying so hard, and because he was the one suggested that I watch it!! I guess it was just the best example of how I saw my grandparents loving each other!! I know alot of it was hormonal, but alot of it was because it was just an amazing story!! This November will be 10 years since my grandmother died, and there isn't a day in the last 10 years that I haven't though of her, and my grandfather, he passed almost a year to the day after my grandmother, and I know it was because he loved her sooo much that he couldn't live without her. He knew he was dying, and didn't want to get his heart fixed because he missed her so much. That is the love that I have for Clark, just that deep and pure. So maybe that is the reason I get so desperate every month..... I want that love to live on.

Well I have to go, Clark is home, and we need to talk about the porch arguement that we seem to keep having... I guess there will be no vacation for me, unless I go back to work, and earn the money myself!!! Hmmmmm and so I go.........

Some People.....

I have sooooo got to tell you about my night!!! We all went out to eat last night per my last entry, and since the Chinese Restaraunt is in the mall, we left there after dinner, and walked down to JCPenny's so that I could get some new jeans.... well I LOVE mens jeans, and the way they fit. So, we go over to the mens section, and I grabbed a few pairs, debated going into the fitting rooms cuz they were the Men's, but Clark told me he would watch out for me, they were in the back of the store, and there was noone around. Well when I went in there were 4 rooms, side by side with the one in the back being a big one for Handicapped people. From under the door I could see a pair of shoes, and some clothes, but there was NO noise. So, for about 20 minutes I was going back and forth trying on different styles of jeans (I am PICKY!!), and those shoes and clothes never moved. I told Clark that maybe we should say something to the store employee's just in case something was wrong. Well, when I was done (didn't get any pants UGH), I went to the closest register and told the girl what I had seen, and she called a supervisor over, we stood there while the lady went in and she knocked on the dorr... a very deep mans voice said "Just a minute" well the woman looked at me and said there are a man and a woman in there... YUP you guessed it they were in there having RELATIONS(sex)!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWW!!!!! I KNEW those weren't mens shoes, cuz they were just tiny!! I just about died laughing!!! Kent thought it was hysterical!!! I tell you the NERVE of some people!!!

Oh yeah I sooo have to go here to.... while we were eating, I saw some things that just made me ILL.... first off, I used to be overweight, and I mean FAT. I had Gastric Bypass 5 years ago, and now I am about 145 pounds.... well what in the HELL posses fat women to wear some of the crap they do??? I mean come on now!!! I NEVER, and I MEAN NEVER wore clothes that showed off my belly, were skin tight and the like when I was fat (I actually still don't), and I think that women who do that just look stupid. Clark tried to tell me that they just have really good self esteem, but I totally disagree with that, I think they are just seeking attention, and frankly that kind of attention is the kind they don't need!!! I mean it is GROSS, and not something I want to see when I am trying to eat food!!! There is nothing more unattractive then a big woman trying to fit into clothes that look like they were made to fit a 10 year old for crying out loud!!!

The other thing I saw that made me ill was 2 different women who were OBVIOUSLY VERY pregnant, and the shirts they had on were so tight I could see the babies move!! What posseses people to do shit like that??? Ok, we know your pregnant, but geez keep your fetal movements to yourself, it isn't attractive, and I found that offensive to... mind you that opinion has NOTHING to do with my infertility status, it has to do with people not being respectful of the people around them. UGH I just can't hang with crap like that!!! There are times and places where MODESTY should be the standard!!! Maybe that is why I spend so much time at home, so I don't have to see what the world has turned into with all the attention seekers running rampant!!!

After our adventures at dinner and JCPenney's, we were off to Wally World, got the things that we needed... I bought the DVD set of Narnia, because I LOVED it when we saw it a few weeks ago with Kent, so I HAD to have it!!! Clark gave Kent back his TV, stereo, books, and video games because of his report card, and I got up at 6:30 this AM to find him dressed, and ready to get his day going!! @@ Crap that kid hasn't been up that early on a weekend in MONTHS!!! I am looking forward to him spending the night away from home tonight so that Clark and I can have some ALONE time!!! Well, ok the dogs will be here still, but not the KID!! LOL

I made Clark's Andrology appointment for the 13th, so hopefully by Friday of next week, I will know where we stand with his "Boys". I am sooooo looking forward to TTC (trying to concieve) again that I just get a big grin everytime I think about it...... It has been a long road to where we are in our lives, but I am relieved in a way that we have had all this time to grow together, learn to love each other more deeply, and just spend time as a couple. I am still looking forward to the possiblity of being a "Mom", experiencing being pregnant, and all that Jazz, but I am also very aware that it might very well never happen, and that is ok to. I have already spent a lot of time grieving my infertility so I am pretty prepared for the chance that I may never have biological children, and for the most part I am ok with that. It still hurts my heart everyday that we haven't had kids, but having Kent here lessens that pain sooo much!! I just look at him everytime I think that might not be a good parent, and remember how much we have struggled with him, and how well he has done, and I know I can do it!! It will just be funny to start from "scratch" so to speak.... I have the 8-14 thing down, but younger then that is a total mystery to me!! LOL Oh well!!

I got started with the yard stuff yesterday, I had to call the utility people to come out and mark the lines, and I just KNEW the phone line was going to be all accross the front yard, and I was right, so now I have to wait until the 12th for them to come out and re-lay our phone lines... I have already called twice about them doing that in the last 3 years... when they layed it the first time instead of just going 50 feet from the box to the house these idiots ran it the whole length of the property in the front, down the driveway, around the back of the house, and then to the phone box... I don't know what that was all about because I told them then that they didn't need to do all that!!! So we should have a flat yard sometime in the next 2 weeks, and then we are gonna add the porch!! I am sooo excited for that cuz I have always wanted a house with a big porch on it!!!

Well, I guess that is all for now, I have laundry still, and other things to do outside in the back yard, cuz it is supposed to storm this afternoon, and Kent will be going to the B-day party at 3:30, and I am thinking that we should drive him to the bowling alley to save them the problem of having to do all that!!! So, off to my new day!!!

I almost forgot....

I almost forgot to add... we took Kent to the Movies last weekend, and we saw Larry the Cable Guy Health Inspector... YOU HAVE GOT TO SEE IT!!!!! OMG it was soooo freaking funny!!!
I got the appointments made that I needed to, and Clark is going to the Lab on the 13th of April, the phone company is coming out on the 12th to re-lay and burry our lines so that we can get the front yard done!! Wooo Hooo I am getting excited about that!!!
We are off to dinner at our FAVORITE Chinese place, and then to Wally World for a few things!!
Kent brought home his report card today, and he made it back on the A-B Honor Roll!!! 'bout freaking time!!! He is going to be spending the night at a friends for a B-day party tomorrow, so Clark and I will be home all alone!! :o) Looks like it is going to be a gooooood weekend!!!

An update....

I Keep swearing to myself that I am going to get here every day to update, but crap I have had soooooo much going on this week it was impossible!!! So, this is gonna be LONG!!!

Well, it has been a long time since I have been able to brag on my Little Man, so here it goes.....At the beginning of the school year Kent asked about getting tested for the AIG (Advanced In Grade) Program, similar to AP classes for High School kids, but for Junior High kids. Well, we filled out the application for him, and they accepted his application for testing right away however, there were 8 kids ahead of him on the testing schedule, and only one school psychologist for the county, so it has taken this long for him to get tested, and he PASSED with flying colors!!!! Mom and Dad are SOOOOO PROUD!!!!! I met with the teachers to discus the results of the testing, and they said that Kent placed in the 93% for his age... meaning that he has the cognitive intelligence of a 25+ year old, and they all agreed to put him into the AIG program!!! So starting this next week, he will be in all advanced classes!! I have to tell you that I knew he could do it because he is so very intelligent, we just had to ride his behind for YEARS to get him to this stage!! He even Scored up into the 35 year old range on some of the stuff, so I will never hear the end of how he now THINKS he is smarter then we are!!! I am so happy for him because he was starting to doubt himself as the school year has worn on, but I pushed him to test telling him I KNEW he could do it!! I guess it is more special to me because the docs never thought he would advance intellectually beyond the 4th grade, because of the Cancer and issues around it, much less come as far as he has!! When I told him again today that I was sooo proud of him, he looked at me and said "You always knew I could do it didn't you?" I told him I NEVER had one doubt that he would pass!!" I have to admit that is the best thing that his BioParents gave him and his siblings... BRAINS!!! All three of then are sooo smart!! I just had to teach him how to use what they gave him in the right way!! I remember when he first came to live with us, and he used to have huge meltdowns over schoolwork, and even threw things at us and the homeschool teacher when she came ... but we stuck to our guns, and here we are!!! Gosh can ya tell I think he is just AWESOME????!!!

Clark had a terrible reaction to his new BP meds his VA doc put him on, so we were off to see our PCP on Tuesday AM. When we got there his BP was very high as was his pulse, they wanted to do an EKG on him, but he wouldn't let them. UGH MEN!!! So, she told him that she would put him back on one of the old meds that worked fairly well for him, allong with a new one to help alleviate the swelling that he always gets when he is on it, so we will have to see how that goes. I get so freaking worried about him and that heart of his, I loose sleep over it many nights.

The DSS situation is turning into a full time commitment from me!!! I did tons of research over the weekend, and found several places where they actually broke the VA Administrative Code, by first off not sending an application for renewal, among other things. Well, yesterday I finally got a call from the Assistant Director about the letter that I sent them on the 30th of March.... took them long enough huh??!! Well, I called her back, and she wasn't there, so I left a message, but she still hasn't returned my call yet. When she does call me though, I am going to INFORM her that I have sent further correspondence to the Director, and that I sent it Certified mail, so after he gets that letter, then I will schedule an appointment for us to have a sit down, face to face. I worte the letter to him letting him know that I found the Codes that they broke, and that I can in fact have a license from their DSS here, and that our state has to honor it. That was what I found in the Interstate Compact. It just makes me sick to think that I as a Lay Person/Foster Parent know more about their jobs then they do, and all I had to do was Google the info!!! It further sickens me that they obviously think that I am an idiot or a pushover, and just won't press the issue... oh but they don't know me very well do they??? Us RedNecks do have Internet access!! LOL They have woken a sleeping BEAR, and I am NOT going to sit here and let them run all over the top of me!!!

On the "Home" front, after 3 years of living here, and dealing with a lake for a front yard everytime it rained, we are finally getting our front yard graded!! See, we put our house on an old horse racetrack, and the berm is higher out at the road in front. The new neighbors were having theirs pulled down and gettting the yard graded, so I went and asked the guy if he would do ours, and he said sure for $75 an hour... UGH that hurt my feelings, but hey after he does it I can FINALLY PLANT the trees and flowers that I have been growing in containers for the last 2 years!! Not just the planting, but we are going to have a HUGE porch on the front, and that will be sooooo nice to finally have to!! Clark and I also went and bought a NEW John Deere lawn mower!! You know you're a RedNeck Woman when the fact that you get a new John Deere riding mower is one of the highlights of the week!!! LOL We had actually bought a new Craftsman mower 2 years ago, but it SUCKS... it doesn't cut the grass right, and it ends up taking me hours to mow because I have to go soooo slow, and lap the passes, just to keep from getting uncut furrows in the grass. We got a 7 year old John Deere last year from the neighbor for free ( I swear I think Clark has some Jew in him!!) LOL He got it for free for fixing her 15 year old Snapper mower last fall, he put an $80 part on it, got it running, and then he just fell in love with how well it runs and cuts. So, after much deliberation, we just broke down and got a new one!!

My mom has been talking about coming out here for 2 weeks over the summer so that Clark and I can take a "HoneyMoon" (we didn't have one 12 years ago when we got married) and I would love it if she did!! She loves Kent so much that you would never know he wasn't her BioGrandSon!! I think it will be great for him to spend some time alone with her, not to mention that I wand to see her, and that I would LOVE to get away just Clark and I for more then a few hours!! Everytime we try to go somewhere it becomes a chore trying to find someone to take care of all the Dogs, and so Clark usually ends up sending Kent and I off alone, and staying here with them. So, needless to say we haven't had a vacation, just the 2 of us since 1. Kent came to live with us, and 2. we got all the dogs. My mom is a dog groomer, so I know she can handle the Mutts, just not sure if she can handle the Kid!! LOL

Clarks mom and dad are supposed to be coming out for a few days to visit now that Kent is offically a member of the Family , and I think my dad and step mom were going to try to come out here also!! Full house!!

I have found and discussed with Clark, and ultimately decided to send Kent to a camp in NC for physically disabled kids near Greensboro this summer for a week!! He is NOT happy about it though, and frankly I don't care!! He needs to be with kids who have the same issues that he does, and I KNOW he will have a ball and make tons of new friends!! The website is amazing, and it looks like a great place for him!! The camp is actually sponsered by Kyle & Patti Petty (of the Nascar Petty's). There is also a weekend camp up in Front Royal, VA that offers a Cancer Kids weekend that I am trying to get him into. They pick the kids up from CHKD and take them up there, the best thing is that he can take a friend with him!! I am just waiting to hear back from the recruiter to see if he can attend since he is so far out from diagnosis. I am hoping that he will have a ball because I know that he is going to be 18 way to soon for me, and I want him to have all the fun experiences that he can pack into the next few years!! So needless to say we are going to have a very BUSY SUMMER if everything works out!!

Ok, so I need to run so that I can get going on Kent's scrapbook, call all the utility people, get Clark into Andrology ( So he can drop off his "Boys"), and finish the laundry. Ugh so much to do so little time!!!