December 29, 2010

It's Over....

Bleeding started full force this morning. Nice way to end the year. The clinic has been closed for 2 days due to the weather, so I can't even call them. It isn't an emergency, so I won't call the after hours number, no point really. There are so many thoughts running through my head right now. I honestly cannot wait for this year to be over, with two losses under my belt, not to mention everything else, I can honestly say this has been the worst year of my life thus far.

I was ok until last night when I was driving and a song came on the radio that would have brought me to my knees. As is was it brought tears to my eyes that made it hard to even focus on the road. I hate this, I really wish I had never taken that first test, then I wouldn't have know there was a little life attempting to start. I wish I had never told everyone, what the hell was I thinking?? I know better then that. I know how things go in my uterus. I should just have kept my mouth shut. I should have known that when the doc uttered the words Biochemical pregnancy in my direction that even the clinic didn't have faith in the Uterus Of Death. Why the hell did she have to be right??

I swear I really was ok until yesterday. I have a backup plan I kept telling myself, Keith and anyone who would listen. Ha, what a joke I am. I cannot run from the fact that I seem to be a baby killing machine, and that I am so honestly fucking amazed that I have a miracle sitting on my couch watching old Christmas movies. I just keep staring at her and wondering what is so special about her that she got out, that I get to be her mommy, that she won the battle with my body.

I will end this year thankful for the daughter that I have, missing the babies that I won't get to meet, and praying like hell that this next year isn't as shitty as 2010 was. What a joke.

11 comments:

Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle said...

Oh sweetie I am so sorry. Thinking about you.
xoxo

Amanda said...

I am so sorry.

You really do deserve a better year. (((hugs)))

Carrie said...

Ugh....this sucks. I'm so sorry and here's to a better 2011.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I am so sorry! I'm thinking of you.

P.S. My word verification is OMESS. I think that is very appropriate.

Stacie said...

Oh, Erica. I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you and sending love.

~Jess said...

*BIG HUGS* I'm so sorry sweetie.

girlranting said...

Sweetie, I am sorry. All I can say is, count your blessings... Some of us aren't even lucky enough to have ONE baby to call our own...

rebecca said...

So incredibly sorry...2010 has really been a shit year! Hoping that this next year holds happiness and peace for us all and no more losses. Sending love and hope that you find the strength you need in the coming days ((hugs))
~LFCA

justine said...

Here from LFCA. I'm so sorry to read this. I know it's hard not to think this way, but you're NOT a "baby killing machine" ... Lord knows how many times I've uttered that same phrase about myself. Hugs to you ... try to be kind to yourself right now.

missohkay said...

I'm here from LFCA, and I'm so sorry about your loss. It's strange how we can be fine about the losses one minute and a bawling mess the next, right? I know what you're going through and all I can eloquently say is that it sucks. <3

cowgirltn said...

I am sorry for your losses.

I am sending you a big hug.