That couldn't have hurt More

Kent.

What a mess I have created.

Our old adoption worker from DSS said that now would be a good time to try to get Kent back in touch with his birth family.

She told me that they had noticed that kids who have some form of contact before 18 tend to stay at home with the adoptive family. Also that if things go to shit with them then he can see that we are in fact here for him, before he has a legal right to leave our house.

I thought it over.

Seemed like a good idea.

Made sense.

So, yesterday I broached the subject with him about getting in touch with his family. I figured with it being the holidays, it might make him more receptive to the idea, and them to him if he called.

I couldn't have screwed up worse.

Do you think I thought to look to see if the one person I KNEW he would want to call? The one person who really mattered the most. The one person whose phone number he had memorized, and called.

Disconnected.

His grandmother.

She passed away over a year ago, and he sat right here next to me as I accidentally pulled up her obituary.

God, I am stupid.

Don't ask me why I didn't think to look up some of this stuff before I even opened my mouth, but I really didn't think that she would be gone.

He left my side and went in his room to cry. I followed him, and hugged him harder then I ever have. He looked at me with tears streaming down his face and said....

"It's not even that she is gone that hurts me the most, it is that they didn't let me know that she was gone that is hurting me the most. She was the only one that always made sure we were always ok."

It actually pissed me off, because he is right. His father KNOWS where he is. The family could have contacted DSS and they would have gotten in touch with us. There was no reason for them not to get a message to Kent. It makes me angry for him.

I feel like crap for the way that it went down, but now I have started searching for them so that he can speak to them. He can take it from there.

I didn't think that I was going to break his heart, and now I have to try to fix it.

Thanksgiving

The blue of her eyes.

The sly little grin.

The hair that is just to short to pull up in bows.

The cute little nose that turns pink when she laughs.

The ruddiness of her cheeks when she is fresh from a nap.

The smell of her neck after her bath.

The little hands that always find my finger.

The way she sleepily rests her head on my shoulder.

The giggle, she is so stingy with it still.

The way her eyes light up when she sees her Daddy.

The way her eyes light up when she sees her big brother.

She is my everything.

She truly has made me a Mother.

Thankful... that one little word doesn't even begin to describe it.

Dude!!!!

Ok, so I totally have found the light!!! Did you know that a doctor can tell you that your kid is great and needs no intervention, after spending less then 15 minutes with us??

WHATEVER!!!

Kent's kidney doc told me that yesterday when I told her that we were considering res. treatment. I am sorry you know so much more about my life with him then I do!!

I realize that these people are professionals, but I really hate it when doctors preach to me and make me feel like an ass when I know I am right, but they have MD behind their name, so they MUST be right, right??

Why is this???

I guess that my almost 10 years of dealing with this child, when you have known us for less then a year, should count for something. I wake up with him in the morning, I deal with him all day, and I put him to bed everynight. I am here, I am the one who sees what he does to himself.

I forced him to admit that he had not been taking his meds right. He was totally pissed at me, even after I explained to him that Lying to the doc doesn't hurt them, it hurts him.

He totally doesn't get it at all.

I am so over this crap.

You know the other thing that totally drives me insane?? His mouth!! OMG if I even thought about talking back like he did, my teeth would be a set of dentures. Half the time it isn't even what he says, it is how he says it, meaning tone of voice. I have explained this to him over and over.

I get it he is 17, but I think that I deserve just a tad bit more respect then he seems to feel that I do.

I am sure that you all get tired of hearing about this, but I have no place to go with this, I cannot get the docs to follow my lead, and this child will be a "Man" in less then a year.... I can't even begin to imagine the fate that awaits him should he choose to leave here next October, and go "home".

It literally makes me cry and breaks my heart all in the same breath!! I need him to know how to take care of him self, and feel confident that he will do it, and this is the only way that I can think of to bring reality to his little world. Geez, this sucks!!

Reaching Out.... Urgent

I don't get worked up about to many things...

I mean REALLY worked up... you can stop laughing now.

A few months ago, I added a picture with a link to my sidebar. The Hailey Kent Fund website. I sent an email to Lollipop (Mel), she posted the site at the Lost and Found.

I have gotten a few emails asking, and I had been wondering how she was doing, and how the money raising situation was going. I emailed my friend, and I received this e-mail back this morning:

Hey:)

Hailey is holding her own. We raised enough to have one IVF cycle and it just came back negative:( We will see what we can do from here. I pray Hailey and her family will have the strength to hold on until we have a successful IVF cycle. It is so sad and heart breaking it is hard to talk about. Thank you for asking. Hopefully there will be some great developments in the near future and I will have a wonderful update.


Now, I can tell you that since having the Turtle, my outlook on a lot of things have changed. Normally I would have frowned on this kind of a project, but not now.

Kent had Cancer. If it had taken him I wouldn't have this amazing kid in my life (yeah I know we have our moments). I cannot imagine that.

I can also not begin to imagine losing my little girl after all we went through to have her here with us. It would kill me. Literally.

I know that the Holidays are fast approaching, and the economy sucks the big one, but I am asking... no I am Begging that if you can find any way to help this family out that you do it!!!

Go over and look at her photo's and read the post. She is adorable, and I really would love to see this family get the double blessing that they are looking for, and deserve.

Most of us have been in a dark place, like they are now, and had some Angel(s) help pull us out. I think that you friends of mine out there can be just the Angels to do that for this family.

If you want to help, you can either go to the website for info, or contact me through e-mail, and I will set you up with the right people.

Let's make this Holiday season an extra special one for Miss Hailey!!!


P.S. Should you not chose to accept my challenge... I will hunt you down and make you listen to me sing Christmas Carols for hours on end..... trust me this should totally motivate you!!!! :oP~~~~~~~

Awww......

See...... I told you I was loved!!!!

Momofonefornow over at Stop the Train, I want to get off bestowed me with this award a few days ago!!! This is the second time I have gotten it, and I am just over the moon that she thinks I am cool!! :o) the rules are a little different this time around.....

Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers: There was no way to stick to the one word rule!!

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Couch
3. Your hair color? Blonde
4. Your mother? Colorado
5. Your father? Kentucky
6. Your favorite thing? Turtle
7. Your dream last night? Bizarre
8. Your dream/goal? Be the Best Mother I can be
9. The room you’re in? Dining Room
10. Your hobby? IVF :o)
11. Your fear? Losing Clark
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Right here
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you’re not? Cold
15. One of your wish list items? World Peace :o)
16. Where you grew up? All over
17. The last thing you did? Burned the trash
18. What are you wearing? Sweats & T-shirt
19. Your T.V.? This Old House
20. Your pet? Which one??
21. Your computer? eMachine
22. Your mood? Bitchy
23. Missing someone? Grandmother
24. Your car? Mazda5 (Zoom, Zoom Baby!!)
25. Something you’re not wearing? Rings
26. Favorite store? Wal*Mart
27. Your Summer? Hot
28. Love someone? Absolutely
29. Your favorite color? Sage Green
30. When is the last time you laughed? 2 Seconds ago
31. Last time you cried? Today

Now I am passing this on to the following people:

1. Cate

2. Snippet

3. Brynn

4. Baby O

5. ZGirl

6. Will

7. Emily

Now if you will notice, these aren't your normal average every day Bloggers.... they are new. Very New!! I thought it might be a bit of a challenge to give this award to some of the cutest little bloggers that I love to see!!! It was very hard to pick just 7 though. Not to mention I am very interested to see how they anser some of those questions!!! This ought to be fun!!!

It was a Wonderful Wendsday!!!

It turned out better then I thought it would!!

1. They had a guy come out right away and fix the heat before I even left. Cost was $150 bucks so not to bad... although I have to tell you I think I am in the wrong line of work.... for that fact, so are hookers... that guy got $95 for 20 minutes worth of work. Geez. But hell I have HEAT!!!!!

2. It was a POLYP!!! No Cancer!!!!!!!!!! there were some "Funny" cells NOT Cancer, but she said it can be associated with the stimming meds that I took, so she "thinks" that is all that was. The other was a band of tissue at the very top of my uterus that she removed, and doesn't think will come back. She informed me today that she was worried the news was not going to be good on the polyp though because it didn't look like any polyp to her... see my ute never does anything the right way... it can't even do polyp's right... geez!! I walked out of the clinic the proud owner of 3 packs of BCP's, and a plan to do a fresh cycle with PIO after the new year. The Lab has a closure the end of December, so there is no way I will make the cut off to start stimming and retrieve/transfer before then. We are going to do a fresh cycle, and save the 4 frozen ones for a Hail Mary, if the 2 fresh cycles fail.

3 & 4. Kent is fine, MRI was clear and no NED (New Evidence Of Disease). He was not happy that his dad called his bluff in front of the docs!! I will start working with the clinic's social worker to find a placement in a rehab center for him when she gets back from vacation this week. He still doesn't know, and we are keeping it that way for now.... I already have enough issues with him as it is!!!

It is late.

I am tired, and I have an award to post for you all tomorrow... cuz someone Lubs me!!! Thanks for all the prayers and good thoughts!! I really think that they helped... well me anyway, not so sure Kent would agree with that assertation!! :o)

GAH!!!!!!!!

It is early and the day has started to go in the crapper.....

1. The heater broke last night... do you know that thing isn't even 6 years old, and it was in the low 30's here last night... that is freaking COLD people!!!!

2. My follow up from surgery is today.... not sure what to expect. I honestly think I am at a point where I don't care either way though... bring on the news!!

3. Kent's follow up from his MRI is today.... PLEASE no more Cancer!!!

4. Wish me luck as this is also the day when I will talk to the doc's about admitting Kent for residential care. Not sure what they will say. They were emailed in advance that this talk was coming though, so hopefully it will go ok, and they will be on board. If not, it doesn't matter, it is going to happen, just would be nice to have their support.

So instead of a Wordless Wendsday, I am hoping for a Wonderful Wendsday....

10 Months.....

I am a day late, but then I am late all the time...... so without further adieu.....



She was having a banana for brunch, and desperately wanted the whole thing in her mouth NOW!!! She has also started this thing where she LOVES to squish all her food!! It is messy, but oh so cute!!!

It is so hard for me to imagine that she is 10 months old already, and that in just a few more short weeks she will be a year old. Where has all the time gone?? I look at her now, and I revel in the little person that she has become, but my heart feels sadness that she isn't my little baby anymore. She needs me in different ways, not so much, and yet in some ways more.

I love watching her cuddle with her Daddy, it bring tears to my eyes, and catches my breath every time. He is the most amazing father with her, and I honestly couldn't have picked a better man to share my life and my daughter with.

I look forward to watching her grow. She is my biggest ray of sunshine, and will forever be my "Baby".

I love you Turtle!!!

Elimination Communication??

If I had read up on this style of parenting I may have been prepared for tonight......

We had an amazing dinner, homemade Chicken and Dumplings, it was awesome!!! We are trying to let the Turtle self feed as much as possible, and I knew this meal would be interesting to say the least.

It was.

The dogs got most of her dinner, as she suddenly thinks she must be a mommy bird.... she will chew up her food, and then spit it on the floor and giggle hysterically as the dogs try to kill each other to get there first. Oh yeah this is why I have 2 clear shower curtains to protect the floor from her newest fascination. Ok, I will admit it is kinda funny to watch the dogs bust ass to get the tiny little morsel that she drops, but I can't let her know that!!

Between the Chicken and Dumplings, and the strawberry pop tart she had for desert, she was a mess to say the least, so I made Clark undress her right in the dining room over the shower curtain (I can get most any stain out of her clothes trust me!!!) so that the dogs could catch the crumbs, and so that my side of the bed would remain dinner less. (Clark has this thing that he does every night when he gets her ready for her bath where he tosses her on the bed and tickles her til she laughs... well with all that food stuck to her clothes, I would have been sleeping in pop tart... no thanks)

I had run her tub, and he brought her in and put her in the water. Now most nights I get in with her because now that she has become a "cruiser" she has no fear, I need to be right there to keep her from busting her face, or other parts while she tries to climb around the tub. Tonight however I just didn't feel like I wanted to get in, and was going to make it a short bath anyway. So I sat on the toilet, and watched her play.

Turtle has recently found another past time that amuses her to no end.... she is a very gassy girl, and being Clark's daughter, she finds passing gas to be just as hysterical as "feeding" the dogs. She will even laugh if one of the dogs does it. Oh hell who am I kidding she laughs when anything in the house farts for crying out loud. She has brought herself literally to tears twice when she has "Bubbled" (Clark's term) in the tub... it was cute, but I have to be the adult here, and pretend it wasn't funny as hell. Right??

So I am sitting on the toilet... and no I wasn't going, I had the lid down.... geez.... she is splashing and doing her thing when all of a sudden she farts, and laughs. She was over it in like 3 seconds, and back to playing. She farts again, giggles for 5 seconds this time, and goes right back to her toys. About 2 minutes later she looks up at me, gets the biggest grin on her face, farts, long and loud, smiles bigger then ever, and in the instant that it took to register in my tired little mind what was going to happen...... she laughed and crapped in the tub!!!!!

It wouldn't have been that bad if I had been able to stop laughing and hold her over the toilet, but I just couldn't pull it together. The look on her face was priceless. All the noise brought Clark down to the bathroom, and I don't know which I will remember more, the look on her face, or the look on his!!! He totally freaked out, and started yelling at me to get her out of that poopy water, now we were going to have to wash her with bleach (ok dad), and throw all of her tub toys away. He barely let me get her washed up before he snatched her out of my hands, and was soothing her. She on the other hand was more interested in the huge mess that she had left in the tub!!!

Most parents get to wait until their child is a toddler before they pull that famous move, but Turtle is obviously an overachiever already!! She has never even had a #2 diaper after dinner, so this was a first all the way around. Now that I know the signs, maybe I will try to get her on the toilet.....

Up for Air

So, I have been doing the whole thinking thing, and I regret to inform you all that as a blond it has become increasingly difficult for me.

Turtle will be 10 months old in 2 days, and I find myself definitely reverted back to the very angry, very bitter infertile that I was just 10 short months ago. I realized its depth while at the pediatricians office during a visit that was forced by the Klonopin episode of late.

Turtle and I took a tumble over the baby gate, and we both ended up with nasty bruises, but she started having a fit every time I would change her diaper, so I wanted to get her hip checked just to be on the safe side. Clark was with us, and I swear to you it was the the only time I have been in that office when there had to have been a birth wave over the weekend. Twelve, yes twelve newborns under a week old were paraded in front of my face in the 45 minutes that we sat in the waiting room. If it hadn't been for Clark holding my hand I probably would have melted in a puddle of tears.

I almost got into a verbal confrontation with a mother of twins who was there professing the goodness of her RE... who I know for a fact to be a joke, but I kept my mouth shut.

I fell into a tearful mess when the Ped made Turtle cry while manipulating her hips. She then restored my faith that they weren't going to call CPS by giving me a big hug and telling me that if this ended up being the worst thing that I ever unintentionally do to the Turtle, it will be a miracle!!! Her hip is fine, just a deep muscle bruise, and she is already over it and crawling all over the house.

I have returned to the land of hating to see pregnant women.

I can hardly stand to walk into the baby area of any store... and I HAVE to buy diapers people!! I have been forcing Clark to do alot of the "baby" associated shopping, or I will literally walk down the isle mindlessly grabbing things just to hurry my exit from the area. That is starting to get a little expensive honestly.

Yesterday I found myself at our local children's hospital for Kent's yearly MRI. I was frozen with fear from the time we walked in the front door. Mostly because I fear that this is the MRI that will usher back the C word into his life. Secondly because it has an amazing amount of those little things called Babies. Even with the Turtle there with me (which we found out was actually not allowed) I would feel my breath catch everytime I saw a tiny little bundle.

I really didn't think it was going to be this hard after I had the Turtle to give up the anger and bitterness. I really hope that I will start to see things differently, and soon.

Bad Uterus... No Embryo's for you...

I know it has taken me longer then I expected to get back up on my feet and get typing. My heart and mind have had a lot to process. Physically it was harder to bounce back this time to. I wanted to get to a place where I could think clearly about the past few days without breaking down into a sniviling mess before I posted about the surgery.

So the Hysteroscopy was so so. The Cytotec was horrible!! Dr. OvaryWhisperer told Clark that there were 2 masses, one of them totally occluding my tubes, that she removed. One being possibly a polyp, and the other she wasn't sure. They are off in the pathology lab to get checked out. There is also an issue of some scar tissue in the ute. It seems to have come from the bleed that I had when I was pg with the Turtle, and it is right in the spot where they leave the embies during a transfer, that is also where some of the polyp was at. The fact that I will cycle again is completely up in the air for at least a few months, in all reality this could very well mean an end to our journey. To put the embies higher risks ectopic pg, and lower just is closer for them to"fall out", or cause severe previa issues if they implant so low.

My heart is in a million pieces and have decided to keep most of the info to myself IRL for now. I get tired of the pity people get on their faces when I try to talk about it, so I am just not going to go there for awhile. I have my post-op follow up on the 19Th, and I guess we will deal with the questions then. I would be lying if I said I wasn't crushed about this development, because I was hoping and praying that she would get in there and see NOTHING but a shiny happy ute, but then in my heart I knew better.

Things on this journey have never been easy for us, and it really pisses me off that I have to struggle to win every little battle, when there are teens and drugs addicts out there just popping kids out left and right. Where is the justice in that?? I guess the bitter old me before the Turtle is back in full strength again. I am sick to death of the comments, and I swear to you all that the next person who even thinks about telling me that "I should just be thankful that I have the Turtle" is going to get the holy shit kicked out of them. Of course I am thankful for her....more then I am sure she or anyone who hasn't struggled with IF will ever understand. She lights my days, and makes me happier then I have been in a long time.

I guess I am just tired. Tired physically. Tired mentally. Tired of trying. Tired of crying. Tired of having my heart broken. Tired of feeling like I am not ever enough. Just plain tired. Maybe I am done with all this IF crap, and maybe I am not, but I can tell you that I am worn slam out with the injustice of it all.

It was the drugs!!

Just a quick note to say that I am OK, just had a hard time yesterday and today, and couldn't update. The pain meds were hard on my system... so I slept for almost 2 days!!

I will post the whole story tomorrow when I have a clearer mind, and time to write it out!!

Thanks for asking about me!! Love you you all!!!

Tomorrow... Make it or Break It

Hysteroscopy in the AM.

I am scared, but glad this day is finally here.

Now if I could just get my stupid brain to stop dreaming about being pregnant, or having a newborn, I would be a hell of a lot better off!!

Oh and get this.... since my Beta was so many weeks ago, I had to either take a pregnacy test, or get a beta in the morning... I chose the peestick.... bet you would never guess what it was...








Negative....

Come on now, you all have got to be kidding me... you really didn't think it would be positive did you??

Ok, I have to admit that I was praying my ass off that I got that second line, but alas, I couldn't keep Cream and Wheat safe, so the hopes are just that.... hopes.

I will write tomorrow night and let you know how things go.

Look what wondered in the yard on Halloween.....

Isn't she just the cutest Cow you have ever seen??? Clark said we can keep her as long as she doesn't get to big, or eat to much... Ha!!!!