March 31, 2006

The Punches just keep coming....

Ok so here it goes...... The weekend: Friday afternoon while we were waiting for Clark to get home, I got an email from Cindy (my dear friend), and it was full of Pictures of Jacob throughout his short little life... I downloaded them to my PrintShop, and was looking at them when Kent came out of his room... I asked him if he wanted to see them since he knew Jacob, Cindy, and Bill, and he said yeah... While we were looking through the pics, he said to me "It must be hard looking at pictures of someone else's baby when you don't have any of your own." At first I totally misunderstood his statement, and asked him if he meant me looking at them, and if he did then I didn't have trouble because all of the pictures that I get from you all are pictures of your "Miracles." When I turned to ask him if he understood what I meant he had these huge tears rolling down his cheeks.... I said "Aww hunny what is that all about?", and he said to me "I didn't mean you, I meant me, I have NO Pictures of me when I was a Baby." I got it, and my poor heart just broke for this tuff little man sitting there with tears running down his face!! The pain that poor boy has over a simple little act of families all over the planet. He has one very poor photo of him as a toddler and that is it until he came into foster care!! I knew that he had said that he was upset that he didn't have photo's in the past, but to see the hurt on his face that he has nothing to show from those years, just BROKE MY HEART!! The sad thing is that there are no pictures that I know of at all. I know that his mom was asked a few years ago if she had some photos that DSS could copy for the kids, and she said that through the years she had lost them all. How freaking sad is that??? I don't know what to do to fix this for him, and that is the part that is killing me... I can fix almost everything else, but this.... UGH!!! Other then that it was a quiet weekend, and I totally decided to do a scrapbook for Kent and try to get what photos I can... so while doing some research looking for his Bio G-ma, I found out that one of my very first and favorite patients had passed away on the 21st of March. I was heart broken, I thought about her and her family all the time, and even called her brother in AZ often to see how she was doing. I found out where the funeral was, and was going to go, but the more I thought about how angry her daughter was with me when I left them .... When we got Kent I had to stop working for them... That I thought it was better not to go just to avoid making a scene. I am so very sad though. Monday: I finally got to talk with my adoption worker, and she explained a lot of things to me, so now I know why our adoption hasn't been closed here, it is still official, but they just haven't closed it out here because of the new wheelchair we are waiting for, and the Medicaid has to stay open there for us to get it. So until that happens then we will still be open here... I did however ask her if they were still required to visit Kent quarterly, and she said yes that it was Interstate Compact Law that they see him every 3 months until our adoption is closed. Then she tells me about how she had the oddest conversation with the Interstate worker that I talked to, after 1 phone conversation of like 15 minutes, 2 emails, the last time she called the woman, the lady had NO CLUE who my worker was or who she was calling about... so after a refresher, the lady tells my worker... "The next time you call me just tell me that you are calling about the WHEELCHAIR KID FROM VIRGINIA!!! @@ @@ I want to call her so bad, HOW DARE she refer to my child as the wheelchair kid from VA??? He has a damn name... so that is going in my letter to my congressman along with her freaking name!! How WRONG is that??? I had to call Clark after I hung up with my worker because I was gonna call her and chew her ass.... Some people have no couth, and she works for DSS for crying out loud!!! UGH I spent the rest of the day just pissed off because of that stupid comment. Tuesday: I got a letter late yesterday from DSS about a class that they are offering, so I called the worker listed on the sheet and left a message... See last week in my cleaning frenzy, I came across my Foster Care license, and noticed that it expires the 31st of this month.. Ut Oh... so I also left that in the message to her. Not sure why I haven't gotten the paperwork to renew yet, but I have a SNEAKING feeling that it has a lot to do with just one caseworker. I have decided to write a letter to the director of DSS to bring this to his attention, because I don't think it was just a little over site if you catch my drift!! I almost forgot.. I got a call from the wheelchair people Friday, and he told me it will be the middle of April before the chair will be ready.. UGH, I don't know why in the hell it takes MONTHS for this stuff to get done... we started all this crap on the 15th of November for crying out loud!! Kent's old chair is just so raggedy it isn't even funny... hell the thing has been with him since he was 6... so it is more then time for a new one... I guess we will order some new tires for it, and keep it as a spare since the new one he is getting doesn't fold up. I wrote and sent my letter to my congressman today about all the crap that I have been trying to get done with DSS here, and then about the comment that the Interstate worker said, and I hear he really takes stuff like that serious, so I am hoping that he can help me... I only put in the part about the Interstate Compact, and the fact that they should have been here 3 times that they missed, and the wheelchair comment. I hope that he can help me out. I have heard just horrible things from teachers here about DSS and the lack of concern for the kids in this county that it just makes me sick. How these people get away with this crap is beyond me... hmm maybe I need a new mission!!! Wednesday: This gets even more interesting everyday.... I finally got a call back from the worker in charge of that class I called about on Monday... well I told her there is no point in me coming if I am not going to be a foster parent after the 31st, and she was like uhhhh yeah I need you to talk to another worker about this whole thing... so she transfers me to that worker ( I know him well, and don't like him as it is) and this is what he had to say.... They screwed up, and should have never renewed our license 2 years ago, and that is the reason that they wouldn't place kids with us... ahhh but no one ever flipping told me!! So to make a long story short, we haven't been LEGALLY LICENSED Foster Parents for 2 freaking years, because we moved, and they had no legal right to license us again. I tell you what I am so upset and confused as to how this happened. We don't have the time to take the classes here because they have them starting at 6 PM, and Clark doesn't get home til 5:30 or later, and they don't have a Saturday class, not to mention the fact that they don't allow you to bring kids, and I am NOT leaving Kent home alone that late at night. UGH, I feel like I was literally just blown out of the water!! So I guess my foster parent days are over for a long time.... :o( I feel like they have stolen a part of my identity to tell you the truth, Clark doesn't see it that way, and now he is worried about the legal ramifications it could have, but I have already spoken to an attorney weeks ago, and he said that we have a case if push comes to shove. But I decided to send the 3 page letter I had written to the director anyway, and see what happens. I can play stupid just as well as they can.....Thursday: Well, Kent had an appointment with his Psych today, so we went to that, and then I drug him to Michael's and he helped me pick out all the stuff for HIS scrapbook!!! We had a ball, I love that freaking store... I spent $131.00, and I know Clark is gonna trip, but it is worth it to me to make this Memory Book for him!! After that I got us some lunch, and wouldn't you know it I had to wait almost 10 minutes for french fries, so I was late to my psych appointment, It went well. I mailed the letters to the director and asst director while I was out so they would get them faster, and now I will sit back and see. Then we got my scripts, and came home. It was really a long day, and I was sooo beat by 8 that I couldn't keep my eyes open. So, here I am and it is Friday morning, wonder what this day will hold?? I have been having some spotting all week long, and I don't know why really, but today is only CD 25, so I have no idea what those little ovaries are up to down there, I have still been having all kinds of twinges and pains in both of them, so i guess I am gonna have to break down and go see the PCP to see if she can find anything wrong with them. She will prolly tell me to see my GYN... don't have one, so gonna have to do that... crap I guess this day is gonna be long after all. I wanted to get started on the Book today to, but Kent is out of school today, so it is gonna have to wait... I went through all of our photos, and pulled tons out to put in it, I guess I am just hoping this will in some way make him feel so much better. So, off I go to the wonderful life I have to run......

March 24, 2006

It's been a LONG week.....

Ugh, I had a long frustrating week this week so I am days late getting here.... day by day blow by blow coming right up.....Monday: I went to see my psychiatrist and I told him that splitting my meds was driving me nuts... when I took the AM dose, it made me sooo tired for like 5 hours, so he switched me to all of them at night.. we will see how this works... I spent the rest of the day cleaning, and running crap to the dump... good Lord I didn't realize 3 people could have so much JUNK!!! Tuesday: I got out of the house early this AM. Went up to VA, hit PetSmart for dog food and hermit crab stuff, hit the PO to mail a special box, and then to Walmart for some stuff I need to finish organizing my "craft" room. I got pretty pissed at WalMart because the checker was slow as molasses and made me late for my dr appointment, and I didn't even have that much... she literally counted every bin I had and rang them up separately!! I had 15 of them... uh hello scan one, and then hit repeat... nope she had to do each one of them!! UGH My therapy visit was good, we talked a lot about the Infertility issues that I have, and the upcoming cycles that we will be doing, talked about Kent, and some other things. I like her she seems like a really nice lady!! She brought a few things to my attention that I am gonna have to really think about until I see her the next time. After that appointment, I came home and hit the house again!! Boy is my hunny gonna be proud!!! Wednesday: Today was a DOWN day... I cannot tell you how hard it is for me right now to have soooo many people around me getting pregnant... quite a few of them in the last week and a half have been "oops" pregnancies. Not that I begrudge any of them don't get me wrong, it is just so very hard to watch everyone get the one thing that I want so badly, and get it so seemingly easy. It has been really eating at me... I think it has a lot ot do with my impending birthday, and the fact that I really thought that I would be done having kids already. Just goes to show how far off center your childhood dreams can be!! May is going to be a pretty hard month because I have 3 friends due then, one of them is having her miracle baby though, so I am sooo happy for her, happy for all of them, but there is a little green man on my shoulder, and he isn't a leprechaun!! I hate that I am jealous, but I guess it is normal. I just keep praying everyday that I will be able to thump that little green man right off my shoulder SOON!! I wasn't feeling good this afternoon, my ovaries have really been bothering me the last 2 months, and I am not sure what is going on, all I know is that it is both of them at the same time, and it gets pretty painful. The only way that I can get comfy is to sit down or lay all curled up. Advil hasn't been working, and on top of it all when they start doing this I get horrible lower back pain, so I am gonna have to ask my PCP about this. I was surprised to feel them hurting because last week there was nothing there on either one when Dr. B did the ultrasound at my work up visit... Hmmmm. Kent had a 'tude tonight and I was soooo not in the mood so he kinda got his head bitten off when he copped that tude over dinner... UGH I will have to warn him ahead of time of the risk to his life when I do not feel well!! Thursday: Nother one of those "bad" days, feeling sorry for myself, but I got up and cleaned all day again... drawers and cabinets were the biggies today... the house is getting a total spring cleaning because I am sick of looking at it!! It is freaking the dogs out I think though cuz they just keep looking at me like "What got into you!!" Course they are most of the reason I have to vacumme almost everyday!! SLOBS!! LOL I love them though. At least their daddy will be home tomorrow, and they can stare at him!! My tummy has been off today to so that has slowed me down a little to if you catch my drift!! But for the most part I have gotten most of the stuff done that I wanted to before Clark came home.... He thinks he's is just gonna drive right through, so I will be seeing him late Friday night. My adoption worker finally returned my call this afternoon, but I was taking a nap (go figure), and Kent couldn't find the phone (go figure) so she had to leave a message... Hmm I tell you people just DO NOT LISTEN TO ME when I talk... she said that she had talked to the Interstate worker, and they seem to think that I am only worried about medicaid, when that wasn't what I was talking about at all.... What part of I want my ADOPTION closed out with the county and state do they not freaking get???? I am not worried about the medicaid as Kent is on our insurance, so that isn't it. I have had issues with the IRS, can't file my taxes yet, the Social Security Admin. because his name hasn't been changed. It is driving me freaking NUTS, and I literally broke it down for the interstate worker... but alas no one listens!! I cannot believe these people have degree's sometimes!! UGH!!! So now that I have gotten some of that frustration out, today isn't looking to good!! It is raining, so the weather makes for a dark mood with me... I am going to try to get some things done on the phone today, and finish the cleaning that I need to.... I already got off to a bad start though... Blew making coffee this AM... I set it all up last night and went to bed only to wake up to it flowing all over the counter grinds and all.... I forgot to put the pot back after I filled the reservoir!! UGH. Boy that was a freaking mess!! Lastly....... Happy Birthday in Heaven Jacob!!! I miss you little man, and I pray that you are having so much fun with your brothers up there!! Let your mommy know you are there today, because I know she misses you terribly!! I wish you were still here making her everyday a joy, but I know that you are whole up there with the Big Guy. So, look over your mommy, daddy, and big brother today!! I love you!!!

March 19, 2006

I found the floors!!!!

He He He... I finally found the floors in my spare bedrooms.... I started on Friday evening, and was pretty well into it when I had to stop because I was just beat around 11:30. As most of you know we have a 4 bedroom house, and since Kent is the only rug rat we have then there were 2 extra rooms for me to trash!! I am a pack rat by birth (Thanks Mom) and I cannot believe the crap I found!! I have a pile of stuff to haul to the dump later today that is about 6 feet high, along with some yard sale stuff!! The Man of the house will be so proud when he gets home!!! So I have the back bedroom all cleaned out for a new little one should that day come, and then my Craft/storage room has been pretty well organized!!! I am very proud of myself to because I hadn't and the desire or the energy to do ANYTHING with them until I got on these new Meds... Dr. P is a GOD!! I think it was the meds... or it could have been the threat that Clark made about backing the truck up to the windows and tossing it all out!! Hmmmm either way I got it done!! Yay Me!!! The fur babies have soooo been missing their daddy this week!! I think Bella is the worst, she needs freaking Prozac I'm telling ya!!! Tater has become the guardian of the mommy, and the food bowl... Crap you would think we never feed them!!! Our two foster mutts Frito and Honey have become every shoes worst enemy... they have eaten 5 pairs of shoes with the last being a $50 pair of my nursing clogs!! So I have to do a shoe round-up every night before bed, and during the day several times!! They even tried to steal the slippers right off my feet the other day!! I am sooo ready for Friday to get here to see my honey, only 5 more days to go!! I cannot tell you how I have missed him!! It feels like he has been gone an eternity!! We talk on the phone every night, but it isn't the same at all!! At least Kent has been minding his manners with Mom a little better since dad has been gone!!! I think that he realizes that the Jig is up, and Dad meant business when he grounded him this last time. He moped around the house most of the weekend because there was a dance Friday night that he wasn't allowed to go to... when I asked him if there was a dance he says to me "Yeah there is, but I knew I couldn't go so there was no point in me even mentioning it to you!!" Ahhh he IS learning!!! I know that he knows how much we love him, but he is at that golden transitional age right now!! Boy do I remember 14!! I tell him that I remember 14 so well that is why he CANNOT get anything over on me!! I stored it just for days when I had a 14 year old of my own!!!! He He He.. Poor kid!!!! My mom and I have been spending a lot of time talking about the AAT diagnosis that she got last summer, and the fact that she isn't doing well as far as liver function. We were talking yesterday morning about my grandmother's passing, and we both were crying, because we know what is to come will be the same for her as it was when Gma was sick 10 years ago. I guess that I just get scared, because I KNOW there are hard times to come, and I can only PRAY that she will stay healthy for years to come. I know that she feels bad that I came back as a carrier of the phenotype for it, and even though the likelihood of me developing the disease is small it is there. I tried to tell her that I am not mad at her for anything at all, it is just there, as long as I know that it is there, and can take the steps that I need to in my life to keep from getting sick then that is all that matters. I actually worry more about her because I know from researching this what is coming, and I am soooo not ready to face this at all.... My grandmother died 10 years ago this winter, and I was totally devastated. She was only 58, and my mom will be 50 in May. I can only hope that with all of the information that I have sent her that she will be knowledgeable enough to make the changes that need to be made so that she can be here for years to come. She is very smart, and I know she is gonna do it!! Well, hell now that I have myself worked up to tears, I guess I better close this out, and get back to work on getting the house in order!!! There is a stack of dishes calling my name, and 2 trips to the dump in the days plans!! Oh the joys of being me!! LOL :o)

March 16, 2006

Back in the Stur-ups again!!!!

Ok first things first... Clark is in GA for 2 weeks, he left on Sunday :o( I have had a few very busy days here trying to get some things handled with DSS. Ok here is the deal...... We finalized our adoption Months ago.... The last time I saw my DSS worker was last June... well since September I have been calling them to try to get a visit, and when I called the first time I was told that our old worker wasn't there anymore, and that they would have to get us a new worker... ok.... fast forward to December, 3 phone calls later, and I still don't have a new worker. January, still nothing. So now Feb. hits, and my adoption worker is getting antsy cuz DSS still hasn't closed our adoption, and they cannot close out anything there until they do. So I call, Nothing. Finally I went into the DSS office on the 3rd of this month, told them what was up, and even made a snide little remark about knowing how the media feels about "lost" kids in the foster system ( I couldn't help it!! I swear!!). So the worker says I will have the director call you first thing Monday, that being the 6th.... well did you guess??? I still haven't heard ANYTHING!!! So today I decide to break out the big guns and call the head Interstate office... Well, as soon as the woman realized that I was telling her that DSS here was screwing up she got downright SNOTTY!! Told me that she would make some calls, but that she had an important meeting, and would get to it after lunch, and call me back by 4. Well the phone never rang. UGH I am getting the cold shoulder from my adoption worker now for whatever reason, so I am getting no where! I cannot switch any of his services here or enroll him in medicaid. I mean you would think they would love to get him out of the "System" Crap I am so frusterated that no one seems to want to help, or that they even care that he hasn't been able to get the stuff that I need for him. I tell you guys I will NEVER do an Interstate adoption again!!! Hmm can ya tell I am just a tad irritated?? Kent has been behaving so so since Clark left, lots of attitude, but then I remember that when I was 14 to... had to throw as much attitude out there as I could get away with!!! He told his GrandMa (my mom) on the phone the other night that the reason he is failing Science is because of the Hottie that is sitting next to him!! @@ He said it is the Hormones making him not be able to pay attention!! I cannot believe that came out of his mouth.... ok I can he is OUR son after all!! :o) Now on to something very exciting in the World of this Infertile Mad Woman......I had an appointment with my new Reproductive Endocronologist (laymans terms, the fertility doc, and to save space from here on out the "RE") yesterday!!!! So I Knew the RE I was going to see, she used to be the assistant to my old RE, and she was actually the one who had done my last HSG(Look at the tubes and uterus). We talked about all the new developments since I was last there.. My moms liver disease, and that I carry the gene for it, the Metformin level that I am on, LUFS, and the psych meds I am on, and that I think I have thryoid problems.... then she shocked me and asked me what I WANTED TO DO??!! @@ I have never had an RE ask me what I wanted to do.... well as much as I would love to just jump right to IVF (been at this for almost 14 years) I told her and she agreed that the Clomid worked ok for me last time, and that now I am on Met. that I felt comfortable starting out with 3 cycles of Clomid @ 50mg. She agreed, told me that my HSG was great, so she didn't feel the need for a Lap(exp. surgery) like the other RE has said, and we went in to get a look at those Ovaries.... Right one is covered with follies, almost 20 of them, but as is very common with PCOS, not a dominant one to be found!!! So then we go searching for the left one (it likes to hide) and it was sitting behind my uterus with one little follie that we could see... that is the side that my tube looks like a corkscrew on!! It was pretty funny that she actually remembered that when I asked her about it... My lining was very thin, so she said she didn't see that I was gonna O (ovulate)any time soon :o( Yesterday was CD 11 (cycle day) so there is that wonderful PCOS again..... So... The "GamePlan" is that we will start with OI (Ovulation Induction) and IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) for 3 months, and then on to other things.... the best part was that she asked me if I wanted to be in a clinical trial that they are doing just for OI, all the drugs will be covered, and then I will get some $'s off of the cost of my office visit!! Our insurance covers Clomid/IUI and Injects/IVF, and only in that way... so if she does move me onto injects and IUI then at least the drugs will be free. Our ins. also does IF(Infertility) stuff at a flat 50% except for meds, so she told me that they will do the clinical $'s off my 50%!! So all I have to wait for is Clark to get back from GA, and go give them some "boys", so that she can submit the letter and findings to the ins. for final approval. In the mean time I just sit here and wait for AF..... she did me provera though if I got to far out CD wise (My last cycle was 56 days) and wanted to take it!! So that is it, I am sooo excited to finally be moving in a forward direction again!!! I have to go see the Psych today, for a med check, and it has been a hard 2 weeks, but to be totally honest with you I am feeling better everyday, I can actually "feel" my motivation coming back. Maybe I will get both of my spare bedrooms cleaned out before Clark comes home after all??!! LOL Gosh I miss him!! It is so weird not having him here... nothing like when he was in the Navy though, cuz we talk on the phone everynight, but it is still hard to think of him all by himself :o( LOL At least I have 8 dogs, 2 cats, 2 birds, 2 hermit crabs, and a fish to keep me company... Oh yeah I ALMOST forgot Kent to!! He He He Trust me he never lets me forget he is here!!! LOL Well I am off to the day I have ahead!! Sorry that it took me so long to get caught up again!!

March 9, 2006

Trials and Tribulations

Ok, here it is Thursday, and I have been trying to get back for days....My new meds are reaking havoc on my system.. eat and sleep... the only two things that I have ANY interest in!! The sleep isn't that big of a deal, but the eating part is gonna drive me insane, 10 pounds in a week is NOT my idea of "mild weight gain". But I swore to myself that I am gonna stick this out, and I am!!! At least until I hit 20 pounds gained, then ALL BETS ARE OFF!! :o) So here is my week up til today...Monday: Boy I was hot on the phone today... called the Clinic, and no Dr. G isn't there anymore... damn I loved that guy, so I call the ins back ask if that is an issue.. nope just have to change to a doc that is there, I guess they fall under a "blanket" as long as they are a part of the practice, then I can see them !! WOOHOO, so I am proud to announce that I have an appointment to develop a "Difinative Game Plan" on the 15th of March!! I am going to see a doctor that I actually know as she was the one who did some of my tests the last time I was there, and she worked very closely with Dr. G on my case. So I am counting the days until I go back!! The only problem we may have is the "swimmer" testing... I remember what Dr. G wanted, and I am sure that Dr. B will want the same one, so now it is just a matter of getting it done right... if the Clinic does it in their lab we have to have a fertility referral for Clark. It is a more specialized test then just counting the little buggers... they actually LOOK at them for deformities, the direction they "swim", and how many of them are actually alive... bizarre I know, but hey I already know my Ovaries are on the blink, so I don't think that this test will make much of a difference, but it will be nice to know, and get it out of the way!! The only problem is how the test is ordered, if the Jones does it we will have to do the referral, but if our PCP orders it, and LabCorp will do it then we won't have to juggle paperwork. I am just hoping that we will get everything we need to get a green light from the ins. company. I already know that if everything is ok with the "Boys" then I will be having surgery, just routine to take a look see and check to make sure there isn't something other then the PCOS goingon in there, and it will be done laproscopicaly, so not a big deal at all. So that is all for now on the infertility front. Tuesday I had an appointment with my new therapist, and it went well. I am still struggling with the new meds, and I let her know that. I felt like a blathering Idiot when I was there though cuz I took the AM dose before I went to see her, and I SWEAR I had to have sounded like I was HIGH!! I so hope that she doesn't think I was, and I am going to explain that to her when I see her again... not a good way to start out with her huh??!! LOL The only thing was I had already had a bad day by the time I went to see her, so when she asked me about major loses in the family that have affected me, I started crying and told her yes, my Grandmother, I really do miss her more then words can say!! I was in a very vulnerable spot and wasn't expecting that question at all... so it knocked me down a peg!! I really like her though, and I think that she is going to be great for me! After I left there I went and had lunch with my sweetie pie... you know Clark!! :o) I always enjoy our time alone, and he just has this way of making things all better!! Besides I LOVE those hugs, and there is NO better antidote for a tuff day!! It was just a quiet night after all that though. Wednesday: Was a quiet day, Clark was sick, but still went in for half of the day... since he will be gone for 2 weeks he doesn't want to leave everyone else with a ton of work to do... isn't he just to sweet??? I am so gonna miss him!! So here it is Thursday morning, and I have been working at this entry forever... having a little bit of a Cyber War with some really intelligent (HA HA) people about raising special needs kids, and foster/adopt kids... boy there are some seriously nasty people in this world...On another note it is supposed to be nice here this weekend, so I have been INFORMED that we will be doing yard work this weekend... UGH not that I mind the mowing, it is the picking up all the crap the dogs have drug around the yard all winter that I am not looking forward to!! Not to mention that I would love to just lay around and cuddle with Clark before he abandons me!! So I am off to find out what things that used to be in the house made their way out of the house, and will be on the way to the dump this weekend!!! So I will be back later to let you know how this day went!! :o)

March 5, 2006

Have you Ever....

Have you ever wondered what the true purpose of your life is??? I have been thinking a lot about that lately, and cannot seem to come up with a solid answer that makes any real sense to me!! I guess some people say they are here for the accomplishments they will make with their jobs, families, politics, etc. I am not the type to try to change the world... I have a hard enough time trying to change my mind about dinner most days. I wish I could say that I was here to make a difference in Kent's life, but somehow I think that he will be a great man regardless. I hope that makes sense. I would like to think that I am here to bring something to Clark's life, and in a way I guess I have, but I think he would have done great w/o me to.... so that leaves me right back where I started!! I guess I am looking for that one life changing, life impacting, important enough to really affect someone's life, and that leads me to the big problem with me.... the fact that the only change that I can REALLY and Truly impart in this world is to bring forth another life.... UGH but here in lies the problem... those ever so reluctant ovaries. I am getting to my point... I got my referral letter and it says we are approved for one visit.... hmm ok, so we spent the last 2 years fighting with our ins. for one flipping visit?? It gets better, this visit has to be done their way... they want a "Game Plan" I already gave them the last copy from the last time I had ONE visit, and I guess the argument I made about not forcing us to have two semen analysis' got through, cuz now they want just the one. LOL chalk one up for me!! My biggest concern is wether my old doc is still there, last I heard he was going to CA, then I heard something else, so I wonder who I am going to get if not him.... at least they will have all my old records. So tomorrow morning first thing I am going to call the Jones Inst. and see how fast they can get me in as the referal is only good until the 23rd of April, and Clark leaves the 12th for GA... another sore point these days!! So today I get my biggest hurdle of all.... Clark... He informs me that he thinks he is TO OLD to become a dad to a newborn... LOL 33, and he feels to old?? I guess he forgot that We wanted a baby YEARS ago, and never imagined that it was gonna take us quite this long!! Boy if it isn't one ofus having doubts it's the other one!! I just pray that his "guys" are healthy and ready for what is to come!! :o)I start seeing my new therapist this week, and I hope that she will be good for me, as I need someone I can really feel comfortable with right now, and the new meds that the Psych put me on are driving me NUTS :o) I am just having a hard time adjusting that is all, but still finding out that I haven't been treated properly for at least 8 years has really made me wonder about what I could have done with myself in all of that time. Luck of the draw I guess, but now hopefully it is gonna be right, and I can finally start really living!!I have to say that I am honestly not looking forward to having Clark gone for two weeks as I am going to miss him terribly. The dogs are gonna be so lost w/o their daddy to, so that will be tuff.... Bella is his girl, and I don't think she is gonna take it well at all!! How sad is it that I worry how his absence will affect the dogs badly!! LOL I may have to get them all on sedatives for 2 weeks!! Guess I will have to wait and see huh??Well I guess I am done rambling for the night, I am doing laundry, and getting the last of the laundry done while typing this, and I need to get my meds in for the night and hit the sack after this load gets done drying... For some reason this entry doesn't seem as profound as I thought it was going to be...

First day of the rest of my Life....

Well yesterday I got our referal letter from the insurance company back to the Jones Ins. for fertility treatments. The letter has come with mixed feelings and emotions to say the least!! The problems with Kent's behavior have made me doubt wether or not I want a biological child. I just get scared when it is in writing to now, because I am older then I was when we first started trying, and I have seen quite a few friends nearer my age have a lot of issues with pregnancy. I am going to try to be as brutally honest as I can here in this journal about a lot of things, and I plan on being very open to any comments as long as they aren't outright threatening or attacking me!! If you get a link to my journal and don't want to read it then don't!! his is going to be all about Me, Clark, Kent and our lives together!! So be prepared for honesty!!