Did you miss me???

Well, I know I have been bad, but I sorta have an excuse... I have been really busy!! I have been trying to get in all the doctors visits that I can before the end of the year to get all caught up on our various health issues that have suffered the last few months. I want to get everything caught up so that when I cycle again after the first of the year I don't have so much on my plate.

My dad and step-mom had to cancel for Turkey Day which made me sad, but I invited a dear friend and her kids over (her DH is out on a 6 month deployment) and we had a blast. There was so much food, and it was nice having her and her girls to hang out with. They ended up staying the night that night so that she and I could make it Black Friday shopping the next morning. That went off so so as she wasn't able to get everythig that she needed, but I picked up some stuff for Kent. I decided that for the most part this year everyone is getting cookies, and I have been baking like a mad woman so I really didn't have to much shopping to do other then for the guys, and that I got done all this week either at the stores or online. I just don't know what to get people, and everyone loves cookies!!! There are some people that I got small special gifts for, but for the most part it is just COOKIES!! LOL

I went to the Doc for my annual exam on the 21st. Hmmm, I am not to sure how well he and I are going to get along, but he is just my PCP, and I need to find a GYN anyway. I wasn't really comfortable with him that is all. I guess it was the question he asked me after we had gone over my history, and then he looked at the drugs that I take, and asked me why in the world I was on Birth Control if I was trying to get pregnant... uh ok let me splain.... LOL, I have my follow up with him in the morning for the bloodwork that he took when I was there, we will see how that goes.

I have been seeing my therapist every week for the last few months, and I think that she has really helped me to start working on some things that I never even realized were there. It has been very eye opening, and I honestly hope to keep working on things with her. A lot of it has to do with how I feel about Kent, the things that he does, and how it relates to my past, and the feelings I have about it. You can't imagine what have a special needs child can make you feel at times unless you have been there, and while I try very hard to sympathize with him there are times when I feel so overwhelmed with the responsibility I feel like I might snap. That usually happens on a day when I am not feeling like dealing with the BS that he seems to only toss my way when I am lacking the patience of a saint. I know that he is 15, and that this is what they do, but I swear he knows when I am vunerable, and goes for the jugular!! We had a huge fight this week about his lying, and I flat out told him that I won't tolerate it, and that if he feels the need to keep lying to me about stupid, and I mean stupid, stuff then I will just start pulling privledges at will. So last night he lied to me about putting a cover on something that he was microwaving... Lost the Dance on Friday... OMG you would have thought I shot him!!!! Although I gave him the chance to switch it with something else today because he is supposed to take pictures for the yearbook and the newsletter that night. I told him that he would be without a stereo for the next 2 weeks, and he was like fine whatever. Boy what I wouldn't give to be so young and carefree again!!

Well, once again, it is late, I am tired, and I have an appointment in the AM, followed by lunch with my Hunny after, not to mention returning some stuff. I will try to get in a longer post about the goings on in my brain in a day or so, cuz there is a lot in there!! :o)

Re-Intro

Well, I guess I should start off by re-introduce myself..... I am Rebel, a 33 year old who was just recently DX'd with stage 3 Endomitriosis during a Lap. I have known since I was 17 that I had PCOS, and thought that was the root of all of my Infertility problems... But I was oh so wrong. My husband Clark and I have been married for 12 years. We have an adopted son who is 15 years old, Kent, who I totally adore with all that I am. K has been with us just a few short years, first as a foster child. We live in "Rural Ranchland", USA. I have another blog in blogland, but I have to many people IRL who know about it, and it has become to hard for me to share my deepest, and darkest yet honest feelings about my day to day life there, so I decided that I needed a place all of my own that noone knows about to start over. I have moments of clarity that shock the hell out of me, and that I know would shock the hell out of some of the people who read me there, so I have chosen to become "Me" again here on these pages, and possibly learn to love myself again. I am not an altogether brilliant writer, but I have my good days, and my bad days, as those dealing with Infertility will surely understand. So sit back and enjoy the ride into IVF with me after so many long years of waiting.... So here you are....

Oops, I did it again....

Got cancelled that is.... go figure. I knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Went to see the doc this AM, and my cysts have resolved, and I have no lining, but she isn't sure why I haven't had a period, but she said that I was right with my math, and that there was no way that we would get in an IVF before the end of the year!!! I hate MATH!!! So this is the plan, 42days, yeah I said 42 days of BCP's. Crap I thought I was having a long road the last time, but this is gonna do me in!!! I have to take them for 6 weeks straight, no sugar pills, just the BCP's, and then we will go from there. I have to call and get the new schedual from the IVF nurse so that I know when I can start with this next cycle so that when the lab opens again I will be ready!!! I am sitting here having a glass of wine, and wishing I had a cigarette!!! Oh I tell you that has been something that has been on my back all freaking day. When I get bad news I smoke or eat, that is how I am. Since I can't eat because of the BCP's making me so sick, the smokes are the thing I am craving the most!! God, give me the strength not to do it!!!

Well I am gonna go for the night, I need to sleep....

It is Neverending.....

Well, I am sure that everyone is sick of reading about all the negativity that I seem to have had lately, as evidenced by some of the emails I have gotten, but without being honest about how I feel deep inside, what is the point of even having this journal??? (this was my reason for moving here to Blogger mostly) I mean give me a break, Infertility is so damn depressing that it is SICK!! I cannot get away from it, it is there every morning when I have to take a Birth Control Pill (LOL) and everyday when I sit in my empty house doing nothing... So it is the biggest struggle that I have in my life, therefore it consumes a lot of my journal. Yes there are days when I just want to curl up and die with the heartache, but does that mean I am going to attempt suicide?? Uh NO... I have a 15 year old son and a husband who need me, and I would never do something like that... I have been down that road before, and I am nowhere near it right now. I know that it is hard to grasp the deperation if you have never been down this road, but if you have then you know exactly what I am talking about. It is a world full of a dispair, darkness, doubt, and hearbreak. I cannot help what I feel, and I cannot help that I feel like I have to be so brutally honest about how I feel, I guess that is just me, and if that offends or bothers you, then don't read. I am not one of the people who writes warm fuzzies everytime I post just because that is what I think people need to read, I post what I feel. I am not trying to be a bitch, but this is my space, and my struggle, if honesty isn't your thing, then please don't read this blog.

That out of the way, I still haven't gotten a visit from the Ol' Hag, so I put a call into the RE's office yesterday, and then again today... suprise they didn't call me back yesterday.... When the nurse finally called me back, I told her still nothing as of today which is CD28, and the fact that I took my last pill this AM, not to mention it was the last "sugar" pill, so somwhere my body skipped yet another beat. She told me I needed to come in in the AM for an u/s and bloodwork, but that I should take an HPT tonight... OMG!! LOL!! Yeah right, lets see... I don't ovulate, and my tubes are blocked, so where in the hell do they think is the point is wasting my money on a pregnancy test??? Oh the Irony!!! So, I set the appointment, and the nurse calls back a few minutes later and tells me that she talked to Dr. B, she deffinately wants to get some bloodwork and an u/s, that she needs me to have a "bleed" and that this is very perplexing to her. Just what I need to hear... once again I have perplexed the Doc... LOL So I have to be there at 11:30 tomorrow, and I am not sure that I will see my doc, but I hope so. The hardest thing about this is that I will not get to cycle this month, so we are done for the year. I cannot get in under the wire on starting Stims before they close the lab for the year. So, thanks to this body I live in it will be January before we can start anything again. I spent most of the afternoon crying and sleeping. Clark was home today because he had Jury Duty so he let me sleep and then woke me up for dinner. I didn't even want to get up, but I did just to spend time with him and Kent. I don't get this crap, I even quit smoking to make this work....

The weather here was shitty all day to, so that didn't help much with my depression!! Not to mention that the doc wants me back on one of the meds on a list that he gave me, and I cannot see how any of the ones that he gave me to look up are any better then the Seroquel that I just quit taking. I cannot see putting any future child I may have at any risk besides the ones that they will already have. I looked all of them up and they are all class C drugs, and so new that there is no real research on the side-effects on a fetus. Good grief I haven't even gotten pregnant yet, and I am so consumed with what I am going to do to this little life just because a doc thinks that I need drugs to maintain. I told him the last time I saw him that I was doing a lot better off of the Seroquel anyway, a lot less fussy with Kent and all that, and that yes right now I have been having more depression, but hell who wouldn't?? I don't know what to do.... I am hoping that when I am at the docs tomorrow I can talk to them about the meds to. I am still on the anti depressant, but I just don't feel like I need the other one at all.

My dad called today and said that he isn't coming for Thanksgiving after all. They had called last week, and said that they were finally going to come out for a few days and what were we doing for turkey day, Nothing, so they said they were gonna come out. Well, I guess that he couldn't get the time off after all, so it had to get nixed. I might get to see them soon though, but not sure. Since I am not cycling this next month I might get to go on a little road trip. Not sure how much I can say here because it would be a suprise, and I am not sure if the people read this... LOL I know it is killing me to cuz I want to share!!!

Well, I am going to head off to bed, I will update about the doctor visit tomorrow night. Clark and I will be going out to dinner cuz Kent has a dance at school so that should be a nice break... we did get to spend a lot of time together today since he was home, and it was nice. He is such a rock for me!!! I love that man soooo much!!

What do you want for Christmas???

Man is that a loaded question to ask an infertile woman embarking on a possible IVF cycle in a week??? Yeah it is, and boy is he lucky that he still has the right side of his head!!! I still haven’t been able to tell him anything for over a week, so I just told him that I want nothing…. That’s right NOTHING… If I cannot have what I want then I want nothing at all. Spoiled rotten yeah I know…. But that was the one thing I really wanted this year, a baby. A cute, cuddly little person made of the two of us who will be so perfect in every way. I wanted to be shopping for infant toys for our new baby for Christmas, and watching our child grow and interact with Kent. But alas, every day of this year has almost slipped away yet again, and it is one day closer to the end of the 365 days that will soon be known as 2006. I am so sick and tired of trying to smile when I am dying inside. I just want to lay in my bed and not move, I no longer want the world to revolve for me. See I know that there is some profound reason that I do not have a child yet, but it is so hard to choose from the list, it is a long one, and there are many layers to it… kind of like an onion… I keep peeling, and honestly I cannot decide if it is me or the inner workings of my brain that is trying to make me feel “better” for not being able to achieve this pregnancy thing. I am beginning to wonder if I really give a shit anymore, or if that is just my heart trying to brace itself for the inevitable… Crap I am sooooo over this bullshit that has become my life. Why do I even care?? I mean really why should I want to tie myself down with a baby when my son will be going off to college in just a few short years, and the only other obligation that I have is my dogs and cats??? I don’t know. Why do I want to waste all that money when all Clark wants to do is buy an RV so that we can go all over the country side with above mentioned dogs as one big happy family.

My horrorscope for yesterday said this….

Dear Rebel, Here is your horoscope for Sunday, November 12: The good news is that a long-standing issue is about to be resolved, and you don't need tons of cash, fame or power to fix it. What has to happen is much easier and subtler: Just change your mind.

OMG, I sooooo wish I had thought of that YEARS ago… Lord if I had just been that smart then I wouldn’t have tortured myself all this time for no damn reason what so ever... boy what a Machocist I am huh???

Don't you think I know that???

That is what I had to tell Clark for the last 3 days when he told me I looked miserable, and depressed out of my mind... Well Duh, but then my world did just come crashing down around me less then 3 months ago, but yeah you're right, I should just get over it and move on with life right?? WTF?? Are you kidding me here?? I have heard that not from Clark, but several other friends this week, and to tell you the truth I am sick to death of hearing that. My life has been turned upside down, it isn't something I can "fix", there is no coming back from this, I can't take a pill and get better, feel better maybe, but I will never get better!!!!!! I mean crap what the hell do people not get, I am pissed off, I am angry, and I am bitter. I am depressed because I will NEVER concieve a child in my body. Good lord, I would never tell anyone else that the time had come to move on and just get over it. I don't feel like a whole person anymore, there is a part of me so broken it cannot be fixed, and that makes me VERY SAD, so what?? It is like a part of me has died, and I have to carry a corpse with me for the rest of my life. I have really been going over so much in my head, and trying to figure out what my heart wants to do. I am not sure what my heart can handle anymore. I know it isn't like a person in my life has literally died, but figurativly speaking one has died. I am still doing the "Beat Myself Up" game even though I can't seem to win... hell will I ever?? Probably not. So, I look like a raving loon when I look in the mirror, apart from being just a tad to pale for my own good, but hey what do you expect when you hate the sun?? I have tried so freaking hard to pull out of this, and I just seem to get deeper in it... Yesterday I had therapy... I bawled the whole way there, most of the hour, and then most of the way home... stupid little things pop in my head, and the tears start to fall. I can't decide if this crap is the BCP's, or the Seroquel finally getting out of my system (which the doc is none to happy about!!) but I hope something gives cuz being this damn depressed is driving me NUTS!! LOL
I really have been trying to decide what in the hell I am doing here... I have been trying to keep an openmind and heart to make this decision, and I still haven't reached an answer... I keep taking the BC pill thinking that something is going to happen and I will have an epiphany and there will be no reason for me to torture myself anymore. Somehow, I don't think it will be that easy.

We had an ok day on Monday. Kent did just fine, and now all we have to do is wait. After his MRI, it was still pretty early, so I called Clark, and we all went out to lunch at a fav. place of Clark and I's that Kent had never been to. He liked it even though he really wasn't feeling to good, he said that his tummy was upset. After that I drug Kent to Barnes and N*ble so that he could get some new books... he is still w/o his TV, and games, so he was hitting rock bottom for stuff to read. It is funny cuz he is running out of stuff to get from the library at school... how sad is that??!! So we got him about 12 books.... quite a few classics so that he can read something other then the fantasy books that he really loves. But I know he will like the ones that we got to though, ones like Les Miserables, Around the World In 80 Days, Robinson Carusoe, Hound of the Baskervilles, and a few others I forgot... but you get the picture, stuff that he is going to have to read sooner or later. I also found a really interesting book on Endo, and I was truly shocked at some of the info in it... if only I had known....

I didn't post this before, but my freaking insurance company screwed me... they denied my appeal for coverage of my surgery, so I had to write a big freaking check to the hospital... Jack Asses, I swear that I am going to drop those jerks as soon as I can!! The funny thing is that with me having to pay that I reached my OutOfPocket for the year, so I am going to TONS of appointments befor the year ends so that I don't have to pay the co-pays!! LOL.... screw me why dontcha??? I guess I didn't complain enough before I went to the RE about stuff that they consider Endo related but not IF related, so since they claim it was all for IF, then it won't be paid for as a regular surgery. Stupid I know seeing as how I got that book yesterday, and realized that I aparently had symptoms all along, and never even knew it.... go figure, I didn't bitch enough for once in my life, and it cost me almost $1600.00. Lesson Learned!!!
So, report cards came home today, and it was tooooo funny.

Kent got 5 A's, 1 B, and one C. Boy was he pissed about that C... OMG he ranted for like an hour about how he just knew that he had done better in that class then that... it was so cute because he has come soooo far!! It used to be that a C was a cause to celebrate in his eyes, cuz it wasn't a D or an F!! He has just amazed me with how smart he is becoming, and how he just changes everyday!! He is such an awesome kid he really is!! If I never "have" another child I will sleep well knowing that I have done a good job with him!!! Now, if I could just get him to cut that damn hair!!! UGH!!!

The Furries are all doing ok.... this AM Satan(the cat) left mommy a nice little prize though... nothing like going for a drink, and finding 3 partially digested and then Yacked back up mice in the middle of the laundry room floor!!! HOW FREAKING NASTY!!!!!!!! I can handle a lot, but holy cow I almost barfed right then and there!!! That damn cat is gonna be the death of me I swear!! I took T and N to the vet for shots and stuff today, and they did great, it is just hard trying to keep the 2 of them from killing each other!! They both want to sit in the front seat to.....

I am still smoke free as of this posting, but damn it is sooooooo hard let me tell you!!!! I never thought it would be this bad, it hasn't been this hard before, but I am really trying hard to stick it out this time!! Oh well, off to bed, the night is so nice here that we have the windows open... it was 70 freaking degrees here today.... someone forgot to tell the sun that it is NOVEMBER!!! LOL!! I say that now, but give me a few more weeks, and I will be whining about the cold!!!

14 Years.....

Well, it was 14 years ago tonight that My dream came true in that I started dating Clark!!! My life was finally looking up, and even though it has been full of ups and downs, I wouldn't trade it or him for anything. It is so hard to believe that there is just one person who can make me smile no matter what is going on in our lives, with just a look or a touch. He is really the most amazing man. I can't imagine ever being without him. I don't ever WANT to be without him. That wonderful man is my rock, he is my sanity when I lose it, he is my everything. I really hope that everyone out there finds someone who completes them as much as Clark completes me. He is my Hero, my Best Friend, and a fantastic Father to Kent. Gosh I don't know if I can imagine what or who I would be without him, and I am glad that I can't!!

So, Kent's yearly MRI for his tumor is next Monday, and as usual, I am getting worried. I hate this time of the year, because it will be yet another month after Monday's scan til we see the docs, but glad that it is only once a year that we have to do this. I remember feeling like this every six months, and I hated it. I worry about him so much, and just pray like hell that he will still be NED or in remission. I can't even imagine life any other way, nor do I want to. So say a little prayer for my boy, that we get good news.

I know that my last post was pretty off the wall, and I wrote what I felt. I am doing a little better, taking life a day at a time. I have made some very solid decisions about my life, and I will let you in on them in another post. I have been on the Birth Control pills for 2 weeks now, and I really freaking hate them.... I stay sick to my stomach most of the day. YUCK!!

On a good note, I have not had a cigarette since Saturday the 28th of October. That may not seem like much, but I am already off the patches to. It has been a little hard, and I have struggled, but no breakdowns yet, and I am really going to do it this time, I HAVE to!!! I have started eating better to, and instead of junk when I want to smoke I grab an apple or some grapes... NO CANDY!!! Gum has been helping to!!

I am gonna head off to bed, I haven't been sleeping really well, so every little bit I can get is needed!!!!