The End of a Year.. Or why do I really care??

I have to start out and say that the P.S. on my last post was directed at a distant family member who ever so politely reminded me that his wife could make babies w/o having to do it in a test tube... and then blocked my emails so that I could not respond... (but I know you read here...) so yeah good for you and your wife Jackass... I hope your right. Just because one "can" reproduce doesn't always mean they should...

Last week was a treat. There are people in my family I have decided that I can do with out. I am over the childish behavior that has accompanied him through the years. Done. No time for the dumb shit anymore. Thank you very much. He reads here to, and didn't have the balls to admit that he had been here until I made an offhanded comment about Kent and the Turtle. He got all uppity, and tells me that he reads my blog, and it is sad that I chose to only talk about Turtle here like she is our only child. I am not doing Kent the justice that he deserves as an adoptive child, our son. We don't include him.

OK follow along. Kent doesn't really wish to be talked about here, there is only so much that I can say and maintain my anonymity, and his. If you had read back far enough, you would know that. Stop pretending you know me. You have no clue the person that I have become, and since you won't take time to pull your head out of your ass and see the real me, then piss off. I refuse to carry guilt that I don't deserve anymore. If you want it, then you can have it all to yourself. I am finished.

So Santa was good to the Infertiles this year for the most part. I got to watch the Turtle get ever so distressed as Clark ripped the paper on her gifts.... She stared at him like he was totally nuts!! I know it had to be going through her mind that mommy fusses about ripping paper all the time so how DARE he sit in front of her and more or less demand that she TEAR UP SOMETHING. She tried to put the paper back where it came from. Ah my analness is rubbing off already!! LOL She was so cute, and loved most of her gifts. There was one from the MIL that scared the hell out of her, it will go in a closet for a few years.

Kent got mostly clothes as he is getting to the age where he is pretty hard to buy for anymore, so new shirts, pants and gift cards tide him over just fine!! Turtle got him the coolest pair of ear buds for his iP*d, and he really liked those.

Clark got sleep pants.... he will never sleep in them, but they were cute!! A tin of Honey Roasted Peanuts. One T-shirt, that I had to get him, HAD to!!! Turtle got him a digital picture frame for his office since he doesn't hang stuff on the walls, and didn't want 10 million frames all over his desk.

I ended up with the camera I had been begging for. Let me just say this.... while it is nice, Kodak needs to get with the program. The camera didn't come with a memory card, a charger, or batteries. Now I could see it if this was say a 50 dollar camera, but it wasn't it was WAY more then that. I just feel like if you aren't going to include the extras, at LEAST forewarn people so that they aren't out X-mas eve trying to buy stuff for said gift when they finally figure it out that the batteries weren't included. Do you know WALMART was Closed really early Christmas eve?? Oh the RedNeck in me was just incensed!!! How dare they Close Walmart??? Poor Clark had not realized that the camera wasn't self powered until he went to charge it up so that I could open it first thing and then take pics of the morning with it.

So off we dash to WallyWorld, only to find out they had closed, and so had most of the rest of this tiny town. There was even a 45 minute wait at the IH*P, which was half empty mind you. So we had Chinese buffet!! I think Turtle ended up happier that way, as she LOVES the mac-n-cheese there, not to mention the bananas with strawberry jello!! She is already a True Southern Girl in her food tastes.

Oh and the batteries were a must have because you cannot use alkaline batteries in this camera. It must be a "pack" or rechargeable, which were as I said above not included. He knew there was no memory card and got those, but batteries people?? Come on now!! Oh and since then I have looked them up on the Net... yeah OK what a racket, it is almost 50 bucks for 2 battery packs, and the charger. I will buy them because I have to, but I am not happy about it!!!

All in all Christmas was nice. It was good to see the family that we have become.

Kent has been a little better behaved so that helps a lot. He has been having some issues with a few people from his birth family, and that was also heavy on my heart last week. I want so much for him to be able to have contact with the family that he wants to, but when those people are full of negativity then he wants nothing to do with them. The hard thing is that it then becomes "my fault", and I have now managed to brainwash him apparently. No people, he just got a mouth, a pair, and decided to tell people he didn't have room in his life right now for them. On one hand I have to be proud of him for standing up for himself like that, and then on the other it hurts my heart because I know he is hurting over trying to do what is right for HIM. I just hope he has the strength to keep going and understand that there are just some people that you are better off without, even if they do share your DNA.

I am ending this year a lot different then I began it. I read my blog for the last few months, and it really made me sad really. I have to let go of things that are keeping me locked in unhappiness. Enough with the bitter, angry me. I can't afford to carry the weight of these feelings anymore. I have decided that this is the last year that we will try for another baby. If 2009 ends with just Kent and Turtle, then that is how it ends. I want to get to living my life with my husband and my kids, and as long as I look for every pain and twinge to be the sign of an impending pregnancy, or keep doing cycles, I cannot do that. So that is the only "resolution" if you want to call it that, this is the last year to make a baby.

I want to leave you with something Clark asked me the other night. He peeked at me as we were snuggling on the couch watching TV, and out of the blue says:

"How am I doing?"

"Huh??" I asked looking up at him.

"With Turtle. How am I doing with her?? Do you think she is gonna be one of those girls who has issues when she grows up because she doesn't feel like her daddy loved her enough??"

"No dear, you are doing an awesome job."

"Are you sure?? I really worry."

"You and every other Dad on the planet!! No dear you are an amazing daddy."

"OK. Do you think I will be able to love another one as much as I love her??"

"I certainly hope so sweetie, otherwise there would be no point in having more then one!"

He amazes me with the depth with which he worries about how she will think of him when she grows up. Poor guy, I think he is worse off then me in the heart on his sleeve department!!

Happy New year all my sweet friends.

This is the year to make all our dreams come true.

Love hard, it will come back to you in the end!! :o)

Hmmmm

It has been a long 8 days.

I have had some personal issues going on that needed attention.

I told you I hate the Holidays... it seems to bring out the worst in some people especially family.

Lupr*n on board..... IVF#5 here we go.

Will post longer in the next day or so, I am really trying to absorb the little person that has started to become so totally self aware and doing the funniest shit in the last week!! She is toooo awesome!!

I miss you all, and hope that you had great Holidays!!

P.S. No one calls them Test Tube babies anymore you retard... she was "made" in a petri dish... course if you had half a freaking brain you would know that!!!

Not so Jolly Holidays

The end of the year is not a good place for me. I really don't like the Holidays at all.

I have had a lot of loss around the holidays. Both of my grandparents died just a little more then a year apart, right after Thanksgiving. I didn't get to say goodbye to my grandmother, and I still miss her terribly every day. Honestly it has sucked the fun right out of them.

I tried to work through that issue when Kent came to live with us, and for 2 years I thought it really worked.

I went all out with the tree, the house, the yard (if you call the 10 x 10 area outside of our then apartment a yard) I had a blast, sorta.

It is hard though when you have an older child who doesn't believe in Santa anymore ( I know, I still know he is out there to!!).

Since we got our house, I have always put up the tree, and the first year I pulled out the rest of the decorations. Since then, they have stayed in the shed.

Over the weekend I bought the most pathetic looking fiber optic tree. Our other tree is huge, and we were worried about the Turtle pulling it over, or pulling off the ornaments, so we decided to get this sad little thing that really doesn't need to be decorated. She loves it, and leaves it alone, maybe because it looks goofy.

I want to enjoy the Holidays, but I just can't seem to find the joy in them anymore. I need to find it for the Turtles sake. I don't want her to grow up not having the fun that I did when I was a little girl.

Christmas was the most amazing day of the year for me. I loved it. The awe was overwhelming most of the time. I came to love that day more then any other because I really felt loved by my father at least that one day of the year.

Of course now that I am grown I can look back and see that the day was nothing short of a buy out for the year to come. Behave, stay out of the way, and take care of my brothers. In that order. It was his day to buy me off for the next 365. Keep the secrets for another year. Hide the bruises for him. Pretend.

So, as you can see the Holidays have become a haunt for my ghosts, both physical and emotional, and I have decided that this needs to be the last year that I hold them at bay and let the memories of the good times take over and replace all the hurt. I know it will be hard, I have done it for the rest of the year, so now I need to make the last month just as safe a place for my heart.

This year, I have the Turtle to help me start to heal. I hope that with every year that passes from now on, I will make sure that she knows just what an amazing gift she has been for me. I want to make her every year more amazing then the last. She is my savior.

Eleven Months

Wow, hard to believe I am writing this already.

Eleven months yesterday.


I couldn't write yesterday, I spent more time with Turtle, and being weepy.


I am trying to hold on to the past 11 months. Reliving it all in my sleep everynight.

Wow. I just blinked and she was born.




This was her last night eating Chicken and Dumplings... She Loved them, and I have started to let go and let her make messes with her food... Hey I came to accept that we all had to learn how to eat!!! I have some control issues!!! :o)

14 Weeks

I still miss them.

I can't believe that it has been that long since I last "held" Cream and Wheat.

I feel like I just blinked the last 14 weeks away.

I have been reading my milestone/keepsake book from Turtle's pregnancy everyday. I would have just entered my second trimester.

Instead Wednesday night I had to take a pregnancy test......

Thanks to Clark for getting it, and getting grilled by the county busy body who checked him out, she wants to know how the test turns out!! Ha!!

Yesterday I got to enjoy a call from the Clinic's newest nurse... GigglingIdiot.. She drives me NUTS!!! She actually asked if I was sure the HPT was negative.... Ok retard, do you think I would have called for my calender and to start the BCP's if it had been the slightest hint of a line???

So yeah I got my calender, and started downing the lovely birth control yesterday. Further proof that I am not 14 weeks pregnant.

Shit that really hurts.


Of course it will be the Turtle's 1st birthday in 6 weeks.

Wow, only 6 more weeks and my baby won't be a baby anymore.

Her first Christmas is right around the corner. How did it happen?? I was just posing in my Santa gear with my baby belly. Oh how I miss that day. I want to hold her safe like that again. All to myself. Now I have to share her. :o*(

So:

BCP's- 12-11-08
Lupr*n- 12-28-08
Last BCP- 12-31-08
Start Stims- 1-08-09

So ladies and gentlemen it is back on..... here we go again!!

A Line in the Sand

I often struggle with my heart. It is a big thing, and it gets me into so much trouble.

Of course I am not refering to the actual organ that resides in my chest keeping me alive.

I am talking about that one that I wear on my sleeve.

I know that a couple of posts ago I put up the picture of the T-shirt I have, and while most of the time it is true...

(you know like when you are Black Friday shopping, and the woman behind you refuses to stop running up your ankles, and you have to cuss her out... yeah that is usually when I don't care)

But when I have a friend(s), maybe we have never met IRL, but we have shared something so sacred as a journey through IF, and come out on the other side somewhat intact.

I love them and care for them with all that I have.

Call and need something for one of them.

I am there.

Need a shoulder.

I am there.

Anything.

I am there.

Late night phone calls.

Long IM's.

Emails, cards... the list could go on.

I have held hands and wiped away tears, all because of this thing we call IF.

I will have some of the friends I have made on the internet, because of Infertility, for the rest of my life.

Some of them have moved on, perhaps the memories to painful, with a soft goodbye.

Some however have choosen instead to walk away. Not in a nice "see you sometime" way either.

They have decided to try to hurt me on the way out.

I am not your average woman. I am no girly girl. I love my fun like a guy in most ways. Give me a truck to "mud" in, I will have a ball. Take me out on a 4 wheeler running wide open in the woods... ahh fun.

I have a sometimes very sick sense of humor.

I am brutally honest and blunt.

I am Bi-Polar

Oh yeah and then there are the animals..... 6 dogs and 3 cats... it used to be more... I had puppies all over the place. We ran a rescue from our house, and brought pregnant dogs home from the local pounds so they and thier puppies could find good homes. Come on you know us Infertiles... we hoard the furry four legged kids til we get real babies.

I am not however... dirty, nasty, mean, rude, crazy, drama queen... some of the words used to describe me recently.

I guess what I am saying is that, yes I wear my heart on my sleeve, I choose to do so willingly. In the last few months though, the stitching has been coming slowly unraveled as one by one people I thought were my friends have done things that I can't understand.

I am simple with my feelings. I love my friends and my family, faults and all, however I have really been trying hard to understand what is causing all of this, and I finally decided:

It is me.

I am to loving and caring.

To honest and willing to share my everything with everyone.

I don't hide my faults.

So people see me as I am.

What you see is what you get.

At some point it either bothers them, or they just start not caring.

We all change, I am not nieve enough to think things will stay the same forever, I just don't expect that people will so brutally hurt me on the way out.

So tonight I am drawing a line in the sand, and people are either on my side or thier not.

No more games, my heart can't take it.

I took it off and put it in a pocket to keep it safe. There may be a day I pull it back out and sew it on my sleeve again, but until then, I am standing by the people I KNOW who have stood by me, and the rest.... well you either stand on my side, or you don't.

You asked for it.... You got it......

Ok... you asked for fashion no-no proof and I give you this....... Note the checked pants?? Ok, now note the shirt under the sweater?? That so totally doesn't go together!!! I was four in this picture!!! Not much has changed except the size of my ass... literally!!!



This is of my brother and I from his first Christmas... Isn't he just the cutest???


This is his second Christmas... I think I was 6-7.... Check the Cool ass toys I got that year!!!! You know you wanted a Mr. Microphone to!!!!



Now... this is my blackmale picture to show all his kids when they grow up!!! I was making the poor boy model my new jewlrey set!!! I am so totally sure that I traumatized this poor boy far more then he deserved!!!

There you go.... hope you enjoyed seeing me in all my tender young glory!!! :o)

Confession of a Mother

Hi.

I am Rebel.

I am a Gymb*ree addict.

I had s*x with my husband last night so that I could purchase $160.00 worth of their clothes for the Turtle.

Clark doesn't see this as an issue(obviously, he gets the better end of the shaft!! :oP~~), I however hope that the Turtle will appreciate all of the sacrifices I make for her so that she can have totally cute clothes.

I can't help it though.

I swore that if I ever had a little girl that I would not dress her in UGLY clothes.

I was a child of the 70's, and frankly our parents really put some hideous outfits together back then!! I shudder to think of all the fashion no-no's that happened to me... I actually do have some photo's... it isn't pretty people!!!

So there now you know my secret confession... I am a clothes whore.

Literally.

She better thank me for this some day!!!