June 7, 2008

Clark is cheating on me....*

Yep, it came as no surprise really.

I have known about the other woman since January.

She is beautiful.

Strawberry blond hair.

Big blue eyes.

She smells like baby powder, weighs 15 pounds, is 26 inches tall, and wears diapers.

Yeah, Yeah I know, the Turtle doesn't qualify as another woman per say, but that is what it is starting to feel like some days.

Clark and I totally got into a conversation Thursday night about the state of the union in the Infertile household. We do this about once a month to check in with each other on how things look and feel to the other person. Well, somehow we got onto priorities, I think it was due to it being our anniversary, and I jokingly asked him where I fall on his list of people priorities....

1. Turtle

2. Himself

3. Me

4. Kent

HUH?? WTF??? I used to be first not so long ago, in a land not so far away!! But, you see all that changed in January, when I birthed his daughter, I am no longer first on his list, and that pisses me off!! I realize that his daughter is a big deal to him, and yeah she should be high on the list, but he has only "known" her for a little over 4 months now, and he told me he loves her more then he loves me. HUH?? I do get that for guys they can't (for the most part) separate the kinds of love they have, so I should have expected that, but it hit me full force.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that he worships his daughter, and loves her so wholeheartedly, but I guess even though I knew this day was coming I didn't expect it to hurt so much. I have had his full attention for almost 16 years, and I am not ready to be forced out of my coveted spot just yet, of course it isn't about what I want, Ha!!

I really wasn't expecting to be resentful of my daughter because she has taken my spot in her daddy's, heart. I don't mean resentful in a way that I would pack her little diaper bag and send her out the door, but it really feels like I have been replaced by another women. He calls just to ask about how her day is going, everything he buys now is with her or her safety in mind. It is all about her now.

I am a giant asshole now because I resent the one thing that I almost busted myself to get. How does that figure into the magic of parenthood?? I mean I get it, or at least I am trying to, but it is so hard to be "replaced" by something that I created. It is kinda like the car that you built from scratch crashing and killing you. Ok, maybe not that drastic, but damn it hurts really bad. I know that parenting is about putting your kids first, and all that jazz, I really do, but that still doesn't make the pill any easier to swallow.

I do know that the biggest thing making this so hard on me right now is that Turtle is high maintenance, and I am her mechanic most of the time. Clark leaves really early in the morning, I mean like before dawn early. So I have Miss Thing from the time she gets up at about 6am until about 6pm at night. Due to the stricture in her stomach, she has to be held upright after she eats her bottles, so that takes a chunk of time. Now this girl is adamant that she not be placed in her bouncy, swing or carseat to serve out this time, so I must hold her. Usually she falls asleep after her bottles, and will not spend more then 20 minutes of a nap at a time in her crib, if I can get her down in it without waking her up. She will however sleep for 2 hours in my arms. Not that I care, but hell when Clark comes home and the first thing out of his mouth is "The house looks like hell, what have you been doing all day?", It really irks my ass. He will usually then proceed to snatch Turtle from me, and ask for dinner.

My days are spent in forced lounging (yeah I know tuff life right?? It really is!!) because Turtle is now expecting to not be put down EVER. Oh and if you are gonna suggest a sling, have one, she hates that to. See, I told you high maintenance. Little Miss has also begun having nightly meltdowns right near 7pm, yeah I know she is tired, but at this point Clark is usually trying to spend time with her, and I am helping Kent do his nightly thing. I get so frustrated listening to her fuss. I do not handle fussing well. I should explain her "fuss". I am saving money because I know the pitch that she has started hitting will eventually shatter the windows, and we all know those are expensive to replace. She gets going with just a little whimpering, and it builds from there until she is screaming, and tears are streaming down her cheeks, it is freaking heartbreaking to see her doing that. I then have to try to calm her down to get her in the tub, after that she gets her bedtime bottle. She has to be rocked to sleep while she eats, and gets the paci if she is still awake after she is done with her bottle. Once I can take the paci without her stirring, I wait a few minutes and put her in her crib for the night. This all ends between 8-9, and honestly by then I am so blazing tired I have just enough left in me to wash her bottles, and preset the coffee pot.

So, I don't get 5 minutes to myself, and it has really started irritating me. I need my me time, badly. I need to be able to reboot without having someone demand my attention in the two seconds after I do it. As much as I love Clark, he doesn't seem to get it though, and he tells me all the time that I can go to work for him and he will stay home with her... uh yeah ok not gonna happen, he makes WAY more money then I can. I have tried to explain to him that he gets to spend all day with other adults, have some interaction with the world, and right now I can't have that.

Now Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE Turtle with all that I am, and these are issues that I will work through, but I just wasn't expecting to feel like this. No one told me that these things could come up. I am angry and frustrated with the situation, and myself for feeling this way. Damn it is just one vicious cycle!! UGH!!

Thanks to everyone out there for the Anniversary wishes, it really is amazing that we have been through all that we have in just these few short years!!

*- Yeah I did mean it like that, and Been There Done That, so, yes I do know what that heartbreak is like, and this ranks right up there trust me. I have totally walked a mile in those shoes... it is one of the things that I talked about in my last post that I thought we might not pull through.


SAHW said...

I don't have kids, but I think what you're feeling is pretty normal...if Turtle is a bit more high-maintenance than most, no wonder you're feeling tired. You need to have that me that...can you arrange with Clark such that you have time to yourself on the weekends at least? Maybe he can handle some of her care-taking routines for part of the time on the weekends, that'll give him time with her (and not just play time!), and that'll give you time to relax.

In the meantime, don't be hard on yourself - I think it's pretty normal to feel overwhelmed at this point.

Kim said...

Your feelings are normal! There are some days when being a SAHM is harder than going to work full time. No one really gets that until they do it for months on end. And it is even harder with a fussy baby that never wants to be put down. It does get better and easier, I promise. That 7pm fussiness is just a phase. Don't get me wrong, when the kids get older it is still hard work. It is just a different kind of work and not as draining. There are some days that I just long for adult conversation. I have been known to trap the mail lady into a discussion I know she wants out of. lol I have no idea why most Dads think that baby time is play time. I feel like I have all the hard jobs and he gets to walk in the door and have fun with them! I would also say that if these feeling happen more often or don't seem to get better that I would call the dr. Post partum depression can show up at anytime in the first year or so. Hang in there! NCLM

Deb said...

As a wise man once said, "this too shall come to pass".

Your hormones are raging, and your life has changed completely (DUH right? I Know), but it is hard for you to believe that you are not the only one to ever feel this way. You should definitely sit down with Clark and have this exact discussion with him. Men are not as "in tune" with us as we would like them to be and he probably doesn't realize what your emotions are right now - please do talk to him.

As for the 7pm meltdowns - I believe they call this the "rush hour". Clark comes home, your doing the dinner thing-both of you trying to tie up the end of the day. It too is normal and she will adjust to life too. You both will be ok. Promise.
You are a great mommy and dont ever forget that. Try to get Clark to hear you though because you absolutely need to find time to recharge your batteries.
Keep doing what your doing mommy-your doing great.
Luv to the Turtle!!

My name is Andy. said...

Hang tough! Can you take a Saturday for yourself? Wake up, get dressed and leave... and let Clarke handle the day on his own? and DEMAND dinner when you come back? Sometimes it takes forcing them to walk a day in your shoes before the finally "get" it.

Good luck, take some time for yourself!

Anonymous said...

OK girl, I almost packed my bags and drove over there, I thought he was really cheading you. LOL, ok you just shocked me.
Now I can continue to read the rest.

Love you

Dreams Come True said...

I hope that your husband gets a clue and realizes how much work a baby truly is, and stops asking what you've been doing as if you've been doing nothing!

I hope, as well, that he can give you a day - a weekend day - where you can go out and do your own thing, and he can stay home with her for the day.

As the other ladies said, in the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself. Babies are hard work, and being overwhelmed is a big part of the beginning.

DC said...

I don't blame you for feeling hurt about what your hubby said. I hope he doesn't mean it. I mean, I hope he loves Turtle to death, but realizes that the relationship between the two of you should come first. Because the best thing he could do for Turtle's safety and wellbeing is to ensure she has a stable household with a happy daddy AND mommy. :)

momofonefornow said...

First of all, it's totally normal. I was blessed to have my parents close, they helped take up the slack, but even then there are days where it is like "let me out, let me run, let me be all by myself for five minutes."

Anyway, the other thing that I would say is that while his love for turtle is admirable, if your marriage isn't right he can't really love her like she needs to be loved, you know?

the Babychaser: said...

You see, this is what scares me. Being infertile and going through IVF for years and years drains my self-confidence about even my ability to care for myself. I already feel like an empty shell--how the hell am I going to care for a baby if I ever even get what I'm killing myself for?

So yes, I worry about never having a baby. But I worry just as much about whether I'll survive having one.

Hang in there. Rumor is, it gets better.

Oh, and your man is a dumb-ass. He doesn't love the little one more than you, she's just new and gets all the attention. I can see how he, being a man, would take you for granted in favor of her. But if he actually were to lose you and what you do for him and what you mean to him, I'm sure he'd see the error of his ways. But mostly he's a double dumb-ass for actually SAYING he loves the baby more. Sheesh. Men!

Cibele said...

OMG< I could have written this post. My husband always said that if we had a boy he would be jealous, I never understood it.. but now that we have our girls I understand what he meant... I felt so ashamed to feel this way. I am glad that I am not alone. I love that he loves her, but it is hard to be moved down on his priority list His is: Lyla, drums, his mom and I

The Rebound Girl said...

Spouses first then kids...thats my final vote. When the couple is happy the keeps reap all those benefits. Needs before wants though, so there has to be a happy balance.