Yep, it came as no surprise really.
I have known about the other woman since January.
She is beautiful.
Strawberry blond hair.
Big blue eyes.
She smells like baby powder, weighs 15 pounds, is 26 inches tall, and wears diapers.
Yeah, Yeah I know, the Turtle doesn't qualify as another woman per say, but that is what it is starting to feel like some days.
Clark and I totally got into a conversation Thursday night about the state of the union in the Infertile household. We do this about once a month to check in with each other on how things look and feel to the other person. Well, somehow we got onto priorities, I think it was due to it being our anniversary, and I jokingly asked him where I fall on his list of people priorities....
HUH?? WTF??? I used to be first not so long ago, in a land not so far away!! But, you see all that changed in January, when I birthed his daughter, I am no longer first on his list, and that pisses me off!! I realize that his daughter is a big deal to him, and yeah she should be high on the list, but he has only "known" her for a little over 4 months now, and he told me he loves her more then he loves me. HUH?? I do get that for guys they can't (for the most part) separate the kinds of love they have, so I should have expected that, but it hit me full force.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that he worships his daughter, and loves her so wholeheartedly, but I guess even though I knew this day was coming I didn't expect it to hurt so much. I have had his full attention for almost 16 years, and I am not ready to be forced out of my coveted spot just yet, of course it isn't about what I want, Ha!!
I really wasn't expecting to be resentful of my daughter because she has taken my spot in her daddy's, heart. I don't mean resentful in a way that I would pack her little diaper bag and send her out the door, but it really feels like I have been replaced by another women. He calls just to ask about how her day is going, everything he buys now is with her or her safety in mind. It is all about her now.
I am a giant asshole now because I resent the one thing that I almost busted myself to get. How does that figure into the magic of parenthood?? I mean I get it, or at least I am trying to, but it is so hard to be "replaced" by something that I created. It is kinda like the car that you built from scratch crashing and killing you. Ok, maybe not that drastic, but damn it hurts really bad. I know that parenting is about putting your kids first, and all that jazz, I really do, but that still doesn't make the pill any easier to swallow.
I do know that the biggest thing making this so hard on me right now is that Turtle is high maintenance, and I am her mechanic most of the time. Clark leaves really early in the morning, I mean like before dawn early. So I have Miss Thing from the time she gets up at about 6am until about 6pm at night. Due to the stricture in her stomach, she has to be held upright after she eats her bottles, so that takes a chunk of time. Now this girl is adamant that she not be placed in her bouncy, swing or carseat to serve out this time, so I must hold her. Usually she falls asleep after her bottles, and will not spend more then 20 minutes of a nap at a time in her crib, if I can get her down in it without waking her up. She will however sleep for 2 hours in my arms. Not that I care, but hell when Clark comes home and the first thing out of his mouth is "The house looks like hell, what have you been doing all day?", It really irks my ass. He will usually then proceed to snatch Turtle from me, and ask for dinner.
My days are spent in forced lounging (yeah I know tuff life right?? It really is!!) because Turtle is now expecting to not be put down EVER. Oh and if you are gonna suggest a sling, have one, she hates that to. See, I told you high maintenance. Little Miss has also begun having nightly meltdowns right near 7pm, yeah I know she is tired, but at this point Clark is usually trying to spend time with her, and I am helping Kent do his nightly thing. I get so frustrated listening to her fuss. I do not handle fussing well. I should explain her "fuss". I am saving money because I know the pitch that she has started hitting will eventually shatter the windows, and we all know those are expensive to replace. She gets going with just a little whimpering, and it builds from there until she is screaming, and tears are streaming down her cheeks, it is freaking heartbreaking to see her doing that. I then have to try to calm her down to get her in the tub, after that she gets her bedtime bottle. She has to be rocked to sleep while she eats, and gets the paci if she is still awake after she is done with her bottle. Once I can take the paci without her stirring, I wait a few minutes and put her in her crib for the night. This all ends between 8-9, and honestly by then I am so blazing tired I have just enough left in me to wash her bottles, and preset the coffee pot.
So, I don't get 5 minutes to myself, and it has really started irritating me. I need my me time, badly. I need to be able to reboot without having someone demand my attention in the two seconds after I do it. As much as I love Clark, he doesn't seem to get it though, and he tells me all the time that I can go to work for him and he will stay home with her... uh yeah ok not gonna happen, he makes WAY more money then I can. I have tried to explain to him that he gets to spend all day with other adults, have some interaction with the world, and right now I can't have that.
Now Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE Turtle with all that I am, and these are issues that I will work through, but I just wasn't expecting to feel like this. No one told me that these things could come up. I am angry and frustrated with the situation, and myself for feeling this way. Damn it is just one vicious cycle!! UGH!!
Thanks to everyone out there for the Anniversary wishes, it really is amazing that we have been through all that we have in just these few short years!!
*- Yeah I did mean it like that, and Been There Done That, so, yes I do know what that heartbreak is like, and this ranks right up there trust me. I have totally walked a mile in those shoes... it is one of the things that I talked about in my last post that I thought we might not pull through.