June 24, 2008

Random Thoughts....

I sucked at commenting for NCLM, and I am so sorry. I really did try very hard, and the first two weeks went off w/o a hitch, but then life happened, and I got behind with no way to make up. I am so very sorry if you have come here and commented and I have not gotten back to your blog. I busted ass to at least return comments even if I didn't do anything else, but even that was hard!!

I
really have a few things going on in this brain of mine, miracle that I can think really with what little sleep the Turtle and I seem to be getting the last few nights. It seems that her teeth came with a strange sense that she no longer needs to let her mommy sleep.... Not happening. Mommy needs her sleep, or you get no food!! LOL ok not really, but DAMN I slept more when we first brought her home, so this has been a little of a challenge.

My other problem was with my actual commenting. Normally I would have been so full of amazing things to say, but now I just feel like a fraud. I mean how do I sit here and tell other women that it will happen for them, when I have the one thing that they want?? I would like to think that since I spent 14 1/2 years waiting and trying that would give me a little out, but I still find it hard. It isn't that I don't want to encourage, I just feel like I am now one of those women I used to look at and think "Yeah Whatever." when they told me to hang in there it would happen. Who wants to hear about the positive when everything feels so negative?? My heart was so broken, and I couldn't see past my own misery, and frankly I didn't give a shit about what anyone else had done or gone through. I didn't want to wait for it to happen, I wanted it NOW. So, remembering those feelings has made it hard for me to comment when the blogger is still trying. I don't want to sound like an asshole giving assvice, but yet I do want to encourage them. I pray that for every day they go without, it is bringing them closer to the dream. I sit here in my chair and hold their hands, invisibly of course through the Internet, but there in spirit just the same. I know that pain, and I guess that along with remembering it, I have tried so hard not to let go of it because I don't want to ever forget the hurt that I went through. Stupid I know, but I need a reminder of it to get me through the bad days.

And this....

I have honestly tried very hard to commit to doing another cycle, but the fear of failure is tripping me up more and more everyday. I am terrified. I have been all over the blogging community recently and seeing all of the loss scares the living hell out of me. I honestly do not think that I could handle any kind of heartbreak right now. I guess it all became so much clearer to me a few nights ago when I was waiting to see if the Turtle was actually going to stay asleep and let me head to bed. I was sitting and thinking about things from the past year, and I suddenly hit on the thought that I never mourned the twin that we lost. That poor little baby was forgotten about in the drama that Turtle caused. So, when I had that little memory, I lost it. I had to get up and go into the living room to cry. At first I felt a little foolish, but then I heard Turtle squeak through the monitor, and I knew then what it was. There had been two babies in there, and only one made it out. Two lives started inside me, and only one came home. I don't know what hurt me more, the thought that I hadn't mourned the loss of that little life, or the fact that I momentarily felt relieved. I desperately wanted both of our babies, and yet to me my loss seemed so small compared to the recent goings on in the blog world. I realized in that very moment though that it was a loss. I guess my way of getting through it then was to think it wasn't a loss long as I kept Turtle safe. But, now I realize I will never know which of the embryo's Turtle was... Starsky or Hutch. I will never know if that other embryo was a boy or a girl. I will never know the feeling of its skin on mine, or know its scent. I will never hear it laugh or see it smile. So much was lost and it is just now hitting me how profound that loss really was.

That is my fear, this heartbreak that I feel now, I am not sure I can do it again. I am downright terrified of feeling pain this great. I really wonder why I can't just be happy with Turtle, and let the rest of it go. There are days when I wish I had never known that there were two of them in there, because it only breaks me down. It makes me want to just give all this trying up. It is in those moments when she is nuzzled against my chest, sleeping in my arms, that makes me wish I had known the other little person who was with us for that short time.

So, when I look at Turtle, she grins that little grin, I want that all over again. Is it worth it?? I don't know.

7 comments:

SAHW said...

First, don't stress too much on the commenting - I definitely enjoy reading and hearing success stories because they give me hope...

And the loss of that twin is real, and perhaps it hit you so hard b/c you didn't get the chance to properly mourn for that loss.

If you decide to try again, I'm sure it won't be easy, b/c there's so much pulling at our emotions through every part of the journey...I hope the decision will be easy for you.

Deb said...

oh sweetie. everything you are experiencing sounds normal. i hate to hear that your in such "pain" though. i wish there was something i could do for you.
if you decide to try again - i'm sure it wont be easy - but if it works out for you it'll all be worth it.
and dont worry about the commenting - as long as you talk to me (heh heh) who cares? ;)

Hope2morrow said...

I hope it is worth it- or what the heck am I losing myself for if it is not worth it? You know little Turtle is so worth it!

The Rebound Girl said...

You are an example of what can happen for the rest of us. A little light at the end of our tunnel.

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

Oh sweetie! Don't fret about the commenting.

I look at Ms Turtle and she brings hope for all of us. She is so cute! Definitely so so so worth it!

hugs!

Samantha said...

I pretty sucked at NCLM at the end too. I guess it's a good thing the next versions will only be a week long!

One child doesn't replace another, even if you only knew that child as a tiny embryo. A loss is a loss, and it's always going to be sad. There's so much risk in doing IVF, I can understand why you would choose not to place yourself in that position again. At the same time, the rewards are great too. I hope you and Clark can make a decision you will feel comfortable with.

poison ivy said...

When you read me this blog yesterday, I cried. You said many things I, too have felt. While reading this blog again today, once again, the tears flowed.Knowing the pain of infertility, we want to help others dealing with this unwanted curse. Sometimes, the pain is so great,it's blinding.
(((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Hugs to everyone who reads your blog who is dealing with the infertility monster. Please know, you are not alone. There are many of us, praying for all going thru infertility will get their prayers answered soon.
Just trying to put my thoughts into words where someone else would read is scary...it makes the pain real, not hidden away along with all the other thoughts; like, for example, the thought that I am a broken woman. No matter what I achieve in life, part of me will always feel like a failure because I couldn't just have sex with my husband and have a child.
Infertile mad woman, know I, and many others are here for you , just like you are there for them. We mourn with you for the loss of turtle's twin. We are there with you when you face the infertility monster again, supporting and cheering you on with each and every shot, every crappy vitamin, every second of that dreaded 2 week wait for that beta. We are there +/- on the beta. When you are ready, we are here for you, ready to help you beat the infertility monster.
((((hugs to all)))