Nightmare

**Note to self** Lay off the damn ice cream before bed!!

I can't tell if it was the week I had dealing with the RE's office or what, but I had one of the most horrible dreams I have ever had last night....

I suddenly found myself pregnant, and I was obviously beside myself with joy. The dream went on for a bit really nice, and then all of a sudden I was at an office and there was a doctor telling me that I would have to deliver my baby early. I knew that it was just way to soon and that the baby would never make it. I went home and the next thing I knew I actually delivered the baby there. Whoever it was that delivered her handed her to me, and she was so small and yet perfectly formed. I just sat staring and held her in the palm of my hand. The terrible part of holding her was that she was so tiny, and I knew that there was nothing I could do to save her. She just kept breathing and moving for hours it seemed. When she finally stopped I put her inside either a bag or a bottle, and put her in my pocket. I kept dreaming some weird stuff I hardly remember, but through the night, even in different dreams I would pull her out of my pocket and see if she had come back to life yet. I even lost her somehow once, and freaked out screaming and searching all over like a madwoman until we found her and I got her back in my hands... when I looked at her that time she was dried all up, that was the last time I saw her before I woke up.

I don't know why, but that dream really made my heart break in so many different ways when I remember it this morning. Even though it wasn't real, it scared the hell out of me!! I am sure that there are many different opinions on what it was about, and I have ventured a few, but all I know is that I must really need to work somethings through in my mind before we cycle again... geez!!!

Which do you think I am???

**Advance Warning.... I am really freaking pissed off, so this may or may not make a whole bunch of sense. **



A) A bitter, nasty infertile woman who will throw a tantrum at the drop of a hat to get what she wants...

or

B) An infertile woman who just turned 35, has 6 months of insurance left, and really just wants to get the clock in her body to stop ticking so loudly, by doing an IVF, and possibly getting PG????

or

C) Totally Heartless Bitch


So here is the deal, I have been in touch with the RE's office since April about getting the paperwork that I needed so that we could cycle again. Been through the ringer with them, and WeSuck Ins. Co., but thought that I had finally gotten the show on the road when I posted a few weeks ago about starting another cycle... Boy was I wrong. After talking back and forth between the clinic and WeSuck I finally ended up finding out what I needed from the RE, to get this party started. I called and talked to the Business Mgr. about it and told her what was up. She and I are friendly, and she told me that she had been having a serious family issue going on, her father was very ill, and dying. She told me that things there had been hectic and hard with the office doing clinical trials and her having to take so much time off, but that she was going to put a sticky note up and talk to Dr. B about the whole thing the next day. This was in early May. So, I waited, waited, and waited some more. I finally decided that enough was enough and called the office on Wednesday. I was told that the Bus. Mgrs. father had in fact passed away, and she was out on personal leave. The girl I talked to was going to find out if the authorization had been submitted, and call me back on Thursday. She didn't. I call the office again yesterday AM, and the girl I talked to on Wednesday wouldn't even get on the line, she had the other operator tell me that I was being a little pushy, and that the Bus. Mgr. would call me Monday. HUH???

So, I took it upon myself to call WeSuck and ask if there has been any paperwork submitted by the RE's office, and they tell me that "No, there is no paperwork for infertility pending. We have received nothing from Dr. B.." HUH?? WTF??

Now, I suppose this is where I go heartless. This is one of the most sought after clinics in the World, so, do you honestly mean to tell me that one person being out for personal reasons is bringing this place to its freaking knee's??? I cannot believe that there is only one person there who can do this simple task. I have to tell you that I honestly am beginning to feel like they don't want to help us again, and if that is the case, then I will gladly take my money elsewhere. I started talking to them about doing another cycle the first day of April about for crying out loud, so it isn't like this is new news to them.

I am not sure if this is the Universe talking or what, but I feel like I am going to loose my damn mind over this. I need to do this NOW, not when they get around to calling me back. I am pretty sure AF is coming in the next few days, and if they put me off any longer it will be September before I can cycle. At that rate I will only be able to cycle maybe once before the end of the year. Should the first cycle not work, we will be SOL because as I stated above, we are dropping WeSuck the first of the year, and none of our other options covers any treatments. Am I being mean and heartless for expecting that there should be another person handling her responsibilities, especially since she and the clinic had known this was coming?? I know it is hard on her personally, and my heart goes out to her, but what about the business aspect for the clinic??

UGH......... I am just over this shit, I never had one single problem with them before I got PG with Turtle, and had been going there off an on for almost 12 years. I feel sort of like a jilted lover I guess, like I am old news....

35 years......

35 years ago at 5:01 AM in a dinky little South Dakota town, my life began.....

Here I sit 35 years later at 5:01 in a dinkyier (not a word I know, but it is my birthday!!) little town in North Carolina living my life....

What a wild & crazy ride this has been!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


p.s. Thanks for the pink Ipod Clark, now Kent has something to teach his techno challenged mom how to use!!!

Random Thoughts....

I sucked at commenting for NCLM, and I am so sorry. I really did try very hard, and the first two weeks went off w/o a hitch, but then life happened, and I got behind with no way to make up. I am so very sorry if you have come here and commented and I have not gotten back to your blog. I busted ass to at least return comments even if I didn't do anything else, but even that was hard!!

I really have a few things going on in this brain of mine, miracle that I can think really with what little sleep the Turtle and I seem to be getting the last few nights. It seems that her teeth came with a strange sense that she no longer needs to let her mommy sleep.... Not happening. Mommy needs her sleep, or you get no food!! LOL ok not really, but DAMN I slept more when we first brought her home, so this has been a little of a challenge.

My other problem was with my actual commenting. Normally I would have been so full of amazing things to say, but now I just feel like a fraud. I mean how do I sit here and tell other women that it will happen for them, when I have the one thing that they want?? I would like to think that since I spent 14 1/2 years waiting and trying that would give me a little out, but I still find it hard. It isn't that I don't want to encourage, I just feel like I am now one of those women I used to look at and think "Yeah Whatever." when they told me to hang in there it would happen. Who wants to hear about the positive when everything feels so negative?? My heart was so broken, and I couldn't see past my own misery, and frankly I didn't give a shit about what anyone else had done or gone through. I didn't want to wait for it to happen, I wanted it NOW. So, remembering those feelings has made it hard for me to comment when the blogger is still trying. I don't want to sound like an asshole giving assvice, but yet I do want to encourage them. I pray that for every day they go without, it is bringing them closer to the dream. I sit here in my chair and hold their hands, invisibly of course through the Internet, but there in spirit just the same. I know that pain, and I guess that along with remembering it, I have tried so hard not to let go of it because I don't want to ever forget the hurt that I went through. Stupid I know, but I need a reminder of it to get me through the bad days.

And this....

I have honestly tried very hard to commit to doing another cycle, but the fear of failure is tripping me up more and more everyday. I am terrified. I have been all over the blogging community recently and seeing all of the loss scares the living hell out of me. I honestly do not think that I could handle any kind of heartbreak right now. I guess it all became so much clearer to me a few nights ago when I was waiting to see if the Turtle was actually going to stay asleep and let me head to bed. I was sitting and thinking about things from the past year, and I suddenly hit on the thought that I never mourned the twin that we lost. That poor little baby was forgotten about in the drama that Turtle caused. So, when I had that little memory, I lost it. I had to get up and go into the living room to cry. At first I felt a little foolish, but then I heard Turtle squeak through the monitor, and I knew then what it was. There had been two babies in there, and only one made it out. Two lives started inside me, and only one came home. I don't know what hurt me more, the thought that I hadn't mourned the loss of that little life, or the fact that I momentarily felt relieved. I desperately wanted both of our babies, and yet to me my loss seemed so small compared to the recent goings on in the blog world. I realized in that very moment though that it was a loss. I guess my way of getting through it then was to think it wasn't a loss long as I kept Turtle safe. But, now I realize I will never know which of the embryo's Turtle was... Starsky or Hutch. I will never know if that other embryo was a boy or a girl. I will never know the feeling of its skin on mine, or know its scent. I will never hear it laugh or see it smile. So much was lost and it is just now hitting me how profound that loss really was.

That is my fear, this heartbreak that I feel now, I am not sure I can do it again. I am downright terrified of feeling pain this great. I really wonder why I can't just be happy with Turtle, and let the rest of it go. There are days when I wish I had never known that there were two of them in there, because it only breaks me down. It makes me want to just give all this trying up. It is in those moments when she is nuzzled against my chest, sleeping in my arms, that makes me wish I had known the other little person who was with us for that short time.

So, when I look at Turtle, she grins that little grin, I want that all over again. Is it worth it?? I don't know.

Houston, We have a Problem....

Turtle went and snuck some teeth in on us!!! So, Clark has declared that we have to trade her in for a newborn because she has outgrown her uselessness!! :o) I had to take both of the kids to the Ped. on Thursday, Kent because of his foot sore not healing, and Turtle because of the ear tugging that was getting pretty bad. (Now I have been on tooth watch since she was about 2 months old, and haven't seen or felt anything. I had to stop letting her chew on my finger though, because she was getting downright vicious even without teeth!!) So, the doc tells us that Turtle does indeed have an ear infection, and also a tooth... HUH??? WTF??? How did I miss it??? Ah, but she was right, there it was in all it's just poked through glory!! So then last night the other one right next to it popped through, so she is now sporting two barely there bottom front teeth!! I am stunned, my little tiny girl, my baby, has teeth... I feel so lost in this whole thing, it is going so fast, she is growing so fast. I wish things would slow down so that I can live every millisecond ever so slowly.....

Five Months of Turtle!!!

From this


to this......



in just 5 short little months!! Wow, you go girl... now take a really close look at her shirt... this is a find that I got on GymBor*e, and I bought the whole line!! It is really hard to find Turtle stuff for little girls, so I fell hard and fast for the whole freaking set!! Clark thinks I have lost my mind, but hey I got 498 dollars worth of clothes for $149.16, so I don't think I expended to many brain cells on this one do you?? Besides the Turtle is worth it, Totally!!!

I love you little girl, more then you will ever know!!!

Playing catch up....

Damn, being sick will really slow you down!! Things have been really hectic here in the house for the last few days, and for now Turtle is napping and letting me have 5 minutes of sanity!! I am still not feeling well, and now I think the Turtle is getting sick, she has been running a low grade fever the last few days. I am hoping that it is simply teething or something simple along those lines, as tyl*nol helps to bring it right down.

There are a few things I want to chat about......

NY Times Well Blog

This site is linked to an article that ran in the New York Times, and I cannot believe that people are this freaking upset with Infertiles!!! I have never come across this kind of hatefulness and blatant ignorance to be honest with you. I have only been met with curiosity, and yeah some assvice, but never the likes of these people!! Holy Cow. I just want to say for the record that as much as I love Kent, the SHIT that we went through with DSS adopting him and trying to adopt other kids was more then I even came close to going through with IF treatments. There is nothing easy or altruistic about adopting, in fact I think it takes more courage to adopt then to do IF treatments. Either way, I was just shocked at the vehemence of some of the respondents, unreal.

That aside, I was stunned to open my blogs last night to see this amazing post!!! I am so thrilled for this amazing woman, she has been through hell and she totally deserves this so much!! Go over and give her some love!!!

Southern Infertility

So, this weekend I was invited to a Tim McGr*W concert with a very dear friend. Let me tell you, I really don't have an issue with people drinking at these venues, but I really wish that if people know that the person they are bringing is not only a drunk, but a RUDE drunk.... Don't freaking bring them. The people sitting behind us spilled a beer all over the concrete early on, and it got all over the back of my legs, and the bag that had my new concert shirts in it. I tolerated that, accidents happen. However, about an hour later, and God knows how many drinks the ass jumps up in the air to let out a holler during a song, and I get 90% of his "soda" over the top of my head. My eye instantly starts burning, and I lick the "soda" off my lips... yeah ok, it was almost straight liquor. So, I turn around to look at the offending jack ass, and he laughs right at me, and says "My Bad". Ya think asshole?? It was honestly no big deal to this man that I was now covered in his drink, smelled like a brewery, and was about 2 centimeters away from kicking his ass!!!! He never did apologize, and I turned to the woman next to him and asked if I was going to have the pleasure of sitting in front of them for the rest of the season, and she every so snottily replied "Yep, You sure are." to which I responded, "Fine because I am sure that the park would like to know that you are sneaking liquor in." Shit changed really quick then, her husband comes down and was all about how there was no need to get hostile about this, and how sorry he was, YEAH WTF EVER!!!! Your not the one that has to smell like this, and then drive an hour and a half home, praying the dumb ass backwoods cops don't pull ya over for any stupid reason!! I mean the smell alone would have gotten me arrested. I didn't end up kicking his ass, but I SWEAR to the Universe that I will beat him to death if he spills another drink on me again!!! I guess I should have warned him I was already in a pissy mood.....

Earlier that day.......

See, when Turtle was born, Clark decided that it was time to get a little smaller vehicle what with Miss Thing not being able to keep that paci in her mouth, hating her car seat, and hating to go for a ride. I can tell you it was no small feat for me to reach to get the paci back in her mouth because the damn seats in our S*dona were so far back, even when we pulled them all the way up it was a stretch for my short little ass. So we traded it in for a M*zda5, which is considered a MicroVan, funny I know, it really is bigger then a car, but smaller then a MiniVan, and I LOVE it. However, this thing is BRAND NEW people, less then 3,000 miles, and it has been to the shop twice already. Once about 2 weeks ago because it over heated, bad thermostat, ok shit happens right?? Well, Clark went to put gas in the van for me before I left to go to the concert Saturday, and the gas cap would not come off, at all. He tried everything short of ripping it to pieces and nothing. It was not coming off. He comes home just cussing, calls the dealer, they tell him to have me bring it up, and they will give me a car for the weekend. Well, ok fine. I get on the road, and get about halfway there when I look down and see that the gas gage is on EMPTY. The FUEL LIGHT is ON. I still have like 35 miles to go to get to the dealership. I called Clark and cussed him out. I told him that if I ran out of gas and ended up on the side of the road then I was going to seriously have to rethink letting him live. My stomach was so freaking up in my throat I almost choked on it!! I even shut the AC off in 95 degree heat just to save what little gas I could!! I swear by the time I got to the dealer there couldn't have been enough fumes in that tank to get high off of!! I made it though, got the loaner car, and headed off to the concert. Huge sigh of relief. I even decided to let Clark live.

Kent is out of school, and even though I haven't seen a report card yet I will assume he passed. He really hurt Clark on Sunday though as he continued his selfishness from Mother's Day, by not only NOT getting his dad anything, but not even saying Happy Father's Day to him. When I confronted him about it that evening, he told me that he did know what day it was. I then told him that I hadn't bailed him out this year, and he had the nerve to look at me and say "When have you ever??" Uh let me see... Every since you have been living with us SMARTASS. I mean I know he is 16 and all, but is it to much to ask for that boy to recognize that Clark is the reason he has all the shit that he has, including a roof over his head?? I guess I will never understand how he can not feel bad. He didn't even make Clark a card. NOTHING. I am so upset about the whole thing. I just don't get it really. I keep thinking that we have given this child our all just to have him stomp on us. The funny thing is, that someone asked me if I think he is doing it because he is adopted, and I said no, I hear the same thing from parents of teens all the time. These kids now a days think we OWE them something, and I have told Kent time and time again that I don't owe him a damn thing. I swear I don't know what is with kids these days, but I can tell you that if I said half of the shit they do, I would have been missing all of my teeth!!! UGH, I just wish that he would at least pretend to care. What do you think??

Well, it sounds like Turtle is starting to stir, wooo hooo 45 minutes of napping!! She hates napping in her crib, but it has got to be done. She was so tired today she all but cried herself to sleep!!! I know, mean damn mommy!!!!!! Hugs everyone!!

Karma.....

So, Clark has had to stay home with the Turtle for the last 2 days!! If that wasn't the Universe speaking to him loud and clear!!!

I started feeling kinda icky on Tuesday afternoon, and by nighttime I was a mess. Migraine, sore throat, muscle aches, fever of 102.4, the whole 9 yards.

Wednesday morning when he got up for work, I told him he might as well come back to bed because I was going to go to the doctor, and he was going to have to stay home with the Boy and the Girl. Our regular doctor is on vacation, so I went to Doc-in-a-Box. Some sort of viral infection, and I need to stay away from the girl, so he has to stay home today to. Not that I think he really minds. She has shown her colors, although they are not the colors that she shows me everyday. She was so well behaved for him yesterday it almost made me mad!! :o) I mean really, how am I supposed to get my point across when she acts like an angel when her daddy is home??!!

Kent is out of school and already driving me nuts.... he just sits and stares at me all day long, it can get really unnerving when you have someone hoover over you all day long. UGH. We have told him that he really needs to get out and get a J.O.B. but I think that he is SOL, cuz he only wants to work at Game stores, and they really aren't hiring anymore. He is a little pissed because he isn't going to get to take driving lessons this summer, but I have NO SYMPATHY, we told him that good grades this year would get them, and he bombed, so it is a no go. Of course we are just so unfair, because all of his friends will be driving come next year.... yeah and??? We let him start doing this.....


And it takes him almost 3 hours to mow 1/2 an acre because he can't keep it in a straight line, and he refuses to follow his dads instructions on how to cut the most grass the fastest. (it only takes Clark 2 hours to mow our 2 acres, and the neighbors 2 acres) That being said, if he can't control the lawnmower, then I am NOT putting him behind the wheel of a three thousand pound vehicle, so he can kill himself or someone else!!! UGH, so needless to say this may be a LONG summer!!!

Well the Tylenol 3 for my migraine is kicking in, and I am ready to take a nap!! Thanks for all of your comments on my last post, I really do think that it is amazing that he loves his daughter so much, but I need to feel that he loves me just as much. We talked about it, and he said he does love me a lot, but that it is different then the love that he has for her.... Maybe he can explain it better to me someday, but until then, I guess I will always be a little jealous.

Clark is cheating on me....*

Yep, it came as no surprise really.

I have known about the other woman since January.

She is beautiful.

Strawberry blond hair.

Big blue eyes.

She smells like baby powder, weighs 15 pounds, is 26 inches tall, and wears diapers.

Yeah, Yeah I know, the Turtle doesn't qualify as another woman per say, but that is what it is starting to feel like some days.

Clark and I totally got into a conversation Thursday night about the state of the union in the Infertile household. We do this about once a month to check in with each other on how things look and feel to the other person. Well, somehow we got onto priorities, I think it was due to it being our anniversary, and I jokingly asked him where I fall on his list of people priorities....

1. Turtle

2. Himself

3. Me

4. Kent

HUH?? WTF??? I used to be first not so long ago, in a land not so far away!! But, you see all that changed in January, when I birthed his daughter, I am no longer first on his list, and that pisses me off!! I realize that his daughter is a big deal to him, and yeah she should be high on the list, but he has only "known" her for a little over 4 months now, and he told me he loves her more then he loves me. HUH?? I do get that for guys they can't (for the most part) separate the kinds of love they have, so I should have expected that, but it hit me full force.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that he worships his daughter, and loves her so wholeheartedly, but I guess even though I knew this day was coming I didn't expect it to hurt so much. I have had his full attention for almost 16 years, and I am not ready to be forced out of my coveted spot just yet, of course it isn't about what I want, Ha!!

I really wasn't expecting to be resentful of my daughter because she has taken my spot in her daddy's, heart. I don't mean resentful in a way that I would pack her little diaper bag and send her out the door, but it really feels like I have been replaced by another women. He calls just to ask about how her day is going, everything he buys now is with her or her safety in mind. It is all about her now.

I am a giant asshole now because I resent the one thing that I almost busted myself to get. How does that figure into the magic of parenthood?? I mean I get it, or at least I am trying to, but it is so hard to be "replaced" by something that I created. It is kinda like the car that you built from scratch crashing and killing you. Ok, maybe not that drastic, but damn it hurts really bad. I know that parenting is about putting your kids first, and all that jazz, I really do, but that still doesn't make the pill any easier to swallow.

I do know that the biggest thing making this so hard on me right now is that Turtle is high maintenance, and I am her mechanic most of the time. Clark leaves really early in the morning, I mean like before dawn early. So I have Miss Thing from the time she gets up at about 6am until about 6pm at night. Due to the stricture in her stomach, she has to be held upright after she eats her bottles, so that takes a chunk of time. Now this girl is adamant that she not be placed in her bouncy, swing or carseat to serve out this time, so I must hold her. Usually she falls asleep after her bottles, and will not spend more then 20 minutes of a nap at a time in her crib, if I can get her down in it without waking her up. She will however sleep for 2 hours in my arms. Not that I care, but hell when Clark comes home and the first thing out of his mouth is "The house looks like hell, what have you been doing all day?", It really irks my ass. He will usually then proceed to snatch Turtle from me, and ask for dinner.

My days are spent in forced lounging (yeah I know tuff life right?? It really is!!) because Turtle is now expecting to not be put down EVER. Oh and if you are gonna suggest a sling, have one, she hates that to. See, I told you high maintenance. Little Miss has also begun having nightly meltdowns right near 7pm, yeah I know she is tired, but at this point Clark is usually trying to spend time with her, and I am helping Kent do his nightly thing. I get so frustrated listening to her fuss. I do not handle fussing well. I should explain her "fuss". I am saving money because I know the pitch that she has started hitting will eventually shatter the windows, and we all know those are expensive to replace. She gets going with just a little whimpering, and it builds from there until she is screaming, and tears are streaming down her cheeks, it is freaking heartbreaking to see her doing that. I then have to try to calm her down to get her in the tub, after that she gets her bedtime bottle. She has to be rocked to sleep while she eats, and gets the paci if she is still awake after she is done with her bottle. Once I can take the paci without her stirring, I wait a few minutes and put her in her crib for the night. This all ends between 8-9, and honestly by then I am so blazing tired I have just enough left in me to wash her bottles, and preset the coffee pot.

So, I don't get 5 minutes to myself, and it has really started irritating me. I need my me time, badly. I need to be able to reboot without having someone demand my attention in the two seconds after I do it. As much as I love Clark, he doesn't seem to get it though, and he tells me all the time that I can go to work for him and he will stay home with her... uh yeah ok not gonna happen, he makes WAY more money then I can. I have tried to explain to him that he gets to spend all day with other adults, have some interaction with the world, and right now I can't have that.

Now Please don't get me wrong, I LOVE Turtle with all that I am, and these are issues that I will work through, but I just wasn't expecting to feel like this. No one told me that these things could come up. I am angry and frustrated with the situation, and myself for feeling this way. Damn it is just one vicious cycle!! UGH!!

Thanks to everyone out there for the Anniversary wishes, it really is amazing that we have been through all that we have in just these few short years!!

*- Yeah I did mean it like that, and Been There Done That, so, yes I do know what that heartbreak is like, and this ranks right up there trust me. I have totally walked a mile in those shoes... it is one of the things that I talked about in my last post that I thought we might not pull through.

We still have IT!!!

After 14 years of mostly blissful marriage, we still have IT. By IT I mean us. We are as in love today as we were the day we got married. Things have changed, we have changed. We live on the opposite side of the country. We have two wonderful children, who are our world. We are obviously older, but we are still madly in love. We still say "I love you" every night before bed, and each time one of us leaves the house. We hold hands, and kiss like new lovers. We truly complete each other. There are bad days, sure, we have them. There have been some close calls, where I wondered if we could pull through. We did.

I love Clark so much, that I cannot imagine my life without him in it. He truly is my soul mate. I could never have imagined being in this amazing place, with this amazing man, ever. We are total opposites, but it works for us, really well. He is my hero, and I can't think of a more wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with!!

I love you sweetie, and look forward to the next 14 years!!!