3 Days and Counting.....

I think my husband is trying to kill me, or he wants me to kill him ... either way someone in this house is probably going to HAVE to die!!!

DH calls me Friday afternoon and asks what my thoughts are on a new TV... I didn't think that we really needed one, but he has been wanting a new one for a while now. In the past say year, before we got our new furniture, we had discussed a new Hi-def TV and entertainment center. The new entertainment center would be needed because the one we had is a) to small for the tv he wanted, and b) the wrong color of our new coffee and end tables. So when he comes home from work, Kent and I are told that we will be going out to eat, and then to Sears to pick up said new TV... I thought this odd because Sears isn't where the tv and ent. center I thought we were getting was sold. But alas, my husband has decided that his sights were just to lofty for his wallet (not really, but who knows what the hell men really think) and he had decided that he no longer wanted to invest in a new ent. center. Ok, fine I realize that at this point an argument isn't going to get me anywhere, so I go along to see just what it is that he has decided he is going to buy. Well, after spending over an hour and a half eating at R*by T**sd*ys, and totally being disappointed AGAIN, we march off to find out that our little Sears is now closed at 6:30. On. A. Friday. Night. Are you freaking kidding me here??? Apparently they don't stay open past 6 pm for fear of making some extra weekend cash, who knew. So off to the house we go empty handed. Well, shit, no new toys tonight.

I was up just bright and early with visions of insulin needles dancing in my head, and couldn't get back to sleep after having to fight with 2 dogs over my little blanket, so I am up, and it is now 7 am. Saturday. There was some discussion the night before as to whether we should also replace the 10 year old shelf stereo that we have hooked up for "surround sound" to our very shortly to be replaced tv, so I get into W*l-M*rt mode, sans internet, and find a very nicely priced system that will very surely fill our needs. After Kent gets up, eats, and we handle the run to the dump, we were off to town once again... Well, wouldn't you know, said Sears doesn't even sell our new TV, and what in the hell made the Man think they would??? My house is bigger then the square footage in that whole damn store.... ahhh, but I have to admire the saleswoman who tried in vain to convince us that we HAD to have a HDTV flatscreen cuz they were THE best.... Yeah whatever, I know that you work on commission, and I want THAT tv which your store doesn't posses..... Buh bye. Off to Wally World. Do you think they have what I need??? NOPE. In their defense the store is getting ready to close to move a larger (THANK THE GODS) location, so they are a little low on inventory. Just my Luck!!!! Hot Dogs for lunch and back home. Well, needless to say our next chance at this TV finding us requires a one hour (if Clark drives) trip to Virginia... SHIT. I hate driving up there. But alas, the TV beckons to Clark as if his life depended on it, and the Wally World 10 blocks away was sure to have the surround sound we wanted (way bigger store!!) Mind you it is now 4:30 pm as we all climb back into the van and head out. Now herein is where my problem lays, mostly. I have been VERY, and I do mean VERY Bitchy the last 3 days. Maybe it is the Lupron, but maybe it is the snotty remarks Clark keeps making everytime I mention getting pregnant this cycle. He thinks that I am getting way to excited. Are you kidding me. It was the due date thing again he tells me in the van. Well, then forget I even mentioned it for crying out loud!!! We got the TV, the surround sound system, Advil (desperately needed by me at this point), dinner at a place I love, and made it back home by 8:30. And he was still alive. We take everything out of the boxes, hook it up, and of course you know there is an issue. So, after listening to him whine for over 2 hours, I finally figured out what was wrong.... let him fix it, and sent his ass to bed!!! Who knew a TV could be such a strain on a person. I have to admit that I am disappointed that we ended up with a smaller TV then we had been talking about, and no new ent. center, (because we all know that oak and cherry so clash) mostly because it was something that we have been talking about for so long, and I really would have waited a few more months to save the money.... I never will understand that man......

Not luvin' this Lupron...

So far ... terrible headache, and the Ovaries were "making noise" all day long... I guess I am thinking that they are trying to pull the cyst stunt from October again, and get me canceled. If it goes on like this all weekend, I am gonna call the clinic Monday to let them know ... no sense it getting to day 14 and getting crushed. Maybe I am one of those people who can't take Lupron, although I searched this damned Internet, and was hard pressed to find anything noted about any other ovaries pulling what mine did. So, that further makes me wonder... UGH, this is how it starts ... the self doubt, good lord I hate doing this to myself, but it is like I can't help it. This cycle won't be any different then the rest of my life!!

I did something very premature the other day, and I think Clark was pretty mad about it, but didn't come right out and say it. See, I got a site sent to me that calculated the prospective due date of a child conceived during IVF. So I put in a date of Jan. 21 assuming that would be 10 days of stims, so that would prolly be ER day. Well, imagine my surprise when the due date was just off Clarks's by 4 days, I told him, and he was really irritated that I did that. Sometimes he is so hard to read.

I know that he wants to protect me, and I love that about him, but good lord what is it going to hurt to look something like that up?? I mean really it isn't like I went out and bought 3 grand worth of nursery furniture or something like that. But, I know that he knows that I will have that date stuck in my heart now..... Like I said this is the story of my life!!!

And So It Begins.......

Lupron in the Morning

So, I am now sitting here listening to my hubby snore like a madman due to the fact that, he who had no sympathy for me last week/end, is now so sick he is sleeping sitting up. I also just found out that 4 day old sushi is not a good idea either... YUCK!!!

I had this amazing post all typed up, and was about to hit send when the whole system shut down on me.... The freaking cat, who has taken to sleeping under the computer desk where the doxies used to be, just rolled right over on the damn surge protector and shut the damn thing off... CRAP!!! I should tell you his name is Satan for a reason.....

I hope that all of you had a very Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate. As for me my Christmas was ok, nothing worth jumping all over about, just ok. I have been blessed with so many friends though, and getting cards from all of them is always so nice. The only bad thing this year was the lack of my intelligence to obviously inform EVERY person that got a card from me as to the "state of the union" because I got 3 cards today, and have 8 total in which I have been asked the "addition/s to the family" question. Now you would think that most of them would get the hint when they got a photocard that just had the 3 of us in it, and no letter making any announcements to the effect of an addition anytime soon. I blame myself for this though because up until I found out just how damn infertile I was, I wasn't worried about sharing my little problem, but now that IVF is being "forced" on me that freedom to discuss has changed. I just don't know how people will react to the path we have taken, and frankly I don't care, so I would rather just not give them a chance to piss me off!! I mean people have been outright disrespectful at the fact that we adopted an older, physically disabled child from the foster care system, and I was honestly shocked at the STUPID things people said to me ... including some members of my very own family. But hey they can all kiss my ass, that is MY SON, and I don't care how he came to me just that he is here (even if we do have a lot of bad days right now, I still love him with all my heart!!) and it is noones business why. So I guess I am just beginning to wish that I had never mentioned it at all, but then I would still be fending off dumbass questions anyway ... it is a Lose/Lose situation. I normally do a letter letting everyone know what has been going on this year, and since all that has happened in the last few months I really just didn't feel like doing one this year, I mean what will I start off with... Well, once again, the powers that be have denied us a biological child for yet another year.... Yeah that would have gotten some phone calls I can promise you!! So, for the sake of self preservation, I just decided that the card was going to be FINE this year w/o a letter.

So, on to the thought that Clark had yesterday in the kitchen.......

Him... Oh damn, I think that I have to renew my license this year don't I??

Me... Yeah I think they do the 5 year thing.. you know 25, 30, 35....

Him... Holy shit that means that I will be 35 this year... OMG I am sooo old!!

Me... yeah and you will hit that birthday before our prospective child, should this cycle pan out, be born....

Him... Holy shit I am really getting old........

I cannot tell which is more traumatic to him having to get a new license due to being 35, or the fact that he will be 35 period... I don't think the dad thing even got through to him!!! It just doesn't touch him like it touches me at all, and I don't think it ever will.

So X-mas day gave me a little slap in the face... I posted when my in-laws were here visiting about Clark's Niece being PG again, and I was really shocked to hear that they just found out the sex last week (Boy by the way). It was then that it hit me, she has been pregnant for quite awhile. My MIL dropped that bomb on me after I tried, in vain I am sure, to convince her that I like the sweatsuit she got me.... And then like 5 minutes later it hit me that she is a lot further along then I thought she was. Hmmmm that makes me sad. Only because it must be nice to get pregnant only 9/10 months after your first one was born, and you weren't even trying. I wish I had the luxury of not even trying. So, I guess that made my day a little bitter sweet.

I am sure that you can see that my level of excitement for this cycle is pretty low, infact I am getting edgier by the day. Tomorrow morning starts the lupron again, and I am just crossing my fingers that this time the crap does what it is supposed to do!! I do want this to work, but I have got to stay sane with the thought that is probably won't just so that I keep from being crushed beyond repair. A friend asked me if I was tired of going through all this, and I told her that "No, I am not tired. I am so fucking exhausted I could care less at this point." So that is where I stand right now. 14 years has put a lot of hurt in my heart, and taken a lot out of my soul, so I guess when you fight this long, and finally start to get somewhere, the progress in itself seems so infinitesimal. It isn't that I don't care anymore, but for the sake of sanity, I have had to lower the bar that I used to hold my body to!! I am being positive, I swear, I just have to protect myself to.

So, I am off to bed as I am still not feeling very well, and I haven't been sleeping the last 2 nights either. Good Night.

It's almost time to start again...

Oh the time has flown... I have been so freaking busy this week I totally forgot to update....

Well the IVF nurse called me on Monday afternoon to tell me that our cycle was a go!! So on the 28th of December I start the Lupron, the 4th of January I take my last BCP (THANK GOD!!), and then the 11th of Jan. I start Stims... Pray like hell that this all works out or I may lose my mind!!! I had to go up on Tuesday to pick up the BCP's to get me the rest of the way til the 4th, and the office manager said I didn't look or sound very excited... I just smiled and told her that I was practicing self preservation!!! I am excited, but I refuse to get worked up anymore!! So that is it on that front for now.....

My van got fixed, but I almost blew a gasget when they made me pay for the rental... I was like WTF?? You have never made me pay ever before, so what is this now??? The repairs were covered under the warrenty, so I didn't expect to have to pay for a rental. I was so freaking hot I payed it but I am going to call the corperate office and let them know that is total BS.... Esp since it took them 4 days to figure out there was even anything wrong with the damn van in the first place!!! ASSHOLES!! UGH.

So Christmas will be here in just over 30 hours, and I am soooo looking forward to it being over. I have not felt it this year, even worse then last year... infact we just put our tree up last night... And that had everything to do with Clark.... I guess I better get with the program huh?? It is just so hard to feel anything other then miserable.

I have spent most of the last 4 days laying on the couch sick as a dog anyway, so I guess that gives me a little out. I have a chest/sinus thing going on, and actually started getting a fever yesterday. Then last night my ears and throat started hurting really bad... I just hope that I feel better by the time we get up X-mas morning.

There is a lot going on in my head that I will tell you about in a day or so.... but for right now it is better left unsaid....

It never quits I swear....

Well, ok, so I never heard back from the docs about the kidney thing until Friday... they still are very unsure as to how and when to proceed, so I am stuck in limbo again. Hopefully I will hear somethng by Monday afternoon.

My van is in the shop, so that nixed my planned trip this weekend because I cannot take Kent anywhere in the rental car that I have. His wheelchair doesn't fold up anymore, and this trip involved 15 hours of driving. Needless to say he is pretty frusterated and upset with his mom right now, but hey he will get over it, these things were beyond my control.

I emailed the IVF nurse on Thursday night and she emailed me back Friday saying that Dr B was in surgery and that she would call me on Monday to let me know what she said. I have to call the Bus. office on Monday to get our reapproval rolling, so that it is ready. She told me that I would prolly be a go because I won't hit the closure date with the lab, so in a small sense I am getting excited, but I am dreading this whole thing getting started again. It is to weird because I have looked forward to this for as long as I can remember, but the last few months since surgery and DX seemed to have skewed my perceptions of everything that life has to hold. I am not sure of anything anymore, and it bothers me that my heart isn't in this in the way that it used to be. I spoke a few posts ago of a decision that I had come to reguarding all of this, and there it goes:

If we do these 3 IVF's, and still end up w/o a baby at the end, then we are done. No adoption, no foster care, no more treatments. Done. That was my decision. We have Kent, and in just a few years he will be going off to college and we will be empty-nesters. At this point with all tha has gone on in the last few months I am fine with this. I am getting to old (in my own opinion) to keep up this adventure. I want to go back to school, and travel with my husband. I have already had a very long time to mourn my fertility, so that isn't even going to be an issue if we don't get pregnant. I have accepted that I will in most likelyhood not walk away from this with a child, but that is ok with me honestly. I have delt with it, and I am prepared for it. With that being said..... today is CD9, and I should be starting Lupron on the 29th of this month barring any unforseen circumstances!! But then we all know that this is me I am talking about.......

Have you ever???

Felt like an ass because someone had something you wanted, and it made you so jealous that you were shocked with yourself?? Well I have been like that because an old friend of mine has just adopted for the second time, and with such amazing ease that I could just scream. Not that she doesn't deserve to be happy, but just because it seems to be so flawless for her. She told me once before the cries of the first little cutie pulled us apart, that she never planned on doing the adoption thing again, that being a mother wasn't what she thought it was going to be, and that she just couldn't see doing it ever again. So then you explain to me why it is that just short months after arriving in a country that doesn't generally allow adoption to foreigners that she is the proud mother of a newborn baby?? When I got that email it stopped me cold before I opened it. It had been almost 6 months since we had last exchanged 4 sentence emails in which I found out that she was off into the world again, and it was a group email at that to which I responded. So here I sit mad at her, and mad at myself for being mad. How crappy is that??

It kills me because I am a good person, I do everything that I can for others, yet I cannot get my hands on the prize. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and ADORE Kent with all that I have, and all that I am, but I long so much to be able to hold a baby in my arms, full of the future with all of us in it. I long to shape that little life into something great, and up until this point, I have been denied that by everyone, including my very own body. So that is where I stand. I love my friend dearly, I miss her, and all of the late night talks we had, but she has acquired for the second time the quintessential thing that will inevitably split two friends who share infertility. A newborn baby.

I am a horrible friend....

I have been avioding a friend that I have had for years because she had a baby, and I couldn't, that damn jealousy again. Well, for the last few weeks she has been dealing with something horrible with her little girl, and like a heal I can't answer my phone now either because I feel like an asshole. I have a speacial needs child, but he was like that when he came to live with me, I cannot imagine it being my biological child, and what she must be going through. Ahh but don't take that wrong either, it is hard with Kent, but he was already in his wheelchair, and had delt with his cancer by then. But to be totally honest, she isn't the only one I have cut myself off from lately. All of my friends have become hard to talk to... part of the reason is that I used to light right up and smoke all the time while I was talking. Well, since I quit smoking it is just hard for me to even talk on the phone if you get my drift... I always want to light up when I get on it. It really is hard to do things that I used to be able to smoke while doing... like driving. I never smoked in my house, so that isn't to hard. But the other reason is that most of them just don't understand why I am so damn miserable right now. I can't talk to people who cannot feel the depth of my pain... can you???

It only gets closer.....

So, I went to hide from the world again the last few days.... everything just seems to be spinnning out of control again, and I hate it being the control freak that I am. I was blindsided on Friday by the U/S tech who called in a doc to look at the old right kidney... I guess it not only has an odd shape, but it has some anomalies on it.... JOY OH FREAKING JOY!!!!! You have got to be kidding me... just for once can something NOT be wrong with me??? So I have to wait for my doc and the Rad doc to chat and see if they need to biopsy the anomalies, which may or may not take just a needle, or possibly a hospital stay. This could ruin some very important plans that I have for this coming weekend, I am not happy about it, and neither is Kent.

I haven't put up my tree yet, and I am not sure that I want to. Things just seem to not hold an importance for me like they used to. I haven't even done our cards yet, and I usually have them ready and out by now... but I haven't done a photot yet, and I love sending out photo cards... but alas that is just one more thing my heart isn't in. Of course it could be that I have already given Clark his biggest gift.... (Yeah, Yeah, but where in the hell was I supposed to hide a 5 foot tall tool chest??) and mine is going to be done on thursday... we (I) are getting HughesNet (satellite internet for the house, that is my Xmas gift. Of course Kent got tons of stuff already again, but most of it is little in size. Our tree is HUGE and such a pain in the ass to put up, that it has been something I do not look forward to at all anymore. Like I said it just doesn't hold the same fasination for me that it used to... frankly it is just one more year that I don't have.....

Today was CD3 and I just sat here all day staring at the phone... I prolly should have called the IVF nurse, no I should have called her so that all the ins shit can be in order just in case I get to cycle this coming month, but hell that has all of the fasination that Xmas holds for me anymore. Maybe it is just the fact that I have a terrible feeling that I will fall on my face again, or better yet, walk right through this cycle with ease and end up with nothing to show for it on the other side. I guess a lot of this feeling has to do with the fact that the more I learn about all the wonderful things Endo can, will and has done to my body that I wonder why I am even bothering. What will my daughter (should I have one) have to look forward to because her mother was so selfish as to want her. What quality of life will I have with my child(ren) once they are here if I am as ill as often after them as I am now?? These are the things that I struggle with everyday..... and I get pissed off more everyday. I have wanted to call my mother on more then one occasion and just scream at her because of all of this. But it isn't her fault... she didn't know. But I do. Can I pass this on to a daughter knowing how horrible my life has been because of it?? I pray every day that "God" will tell me what to do, or send me a sign of some kind... anything. Everyday I sit here in the silence with no answer yet, and do it all over again. I don't think it is ever going to end. I may call the IVF nurse tomorrow, and I may not....

Which end is Up???

Well, as you can see I have left you hanging again... I honestly sit down at my computer 10 times a day to write a post, and then never get it done. I have become a Blog Whore. I would rather sit for hours and read other Blogs then attend to mine... I guess I am just tired or typing the same old bitter bullshit everytime I sit here, not to mention the depression that is so much a friend to me that I am begining to think I might have to stop feeding it or beat the hell out of it to get it to leave!! It really has become a palpable presence in the house, and I think even the dogs feel it. It really hit me yesterday when my third Christmas card of the season arrived.... with the smallest sentance at the bottom....... Congratulations on Kent joining your family. Maybe your family is larger by now?? Yeah, and I tried desperatly to catch that monkey that flew out of my ass last week to... but that little shit was just to fast!!!!! Hmmm do I sense a tad of bitterness??? Gee ya think?? I have tried very hard to be nice about babies, and all things baby, but there are times when my heart aches and longs so much and so hard that I cannot hide the jealousy. It hurts to much to keep it inside.

Someone I know is becoming a mother this week, and I am angry about it... She is a great mother from what little bits I have seen. We used to be very close, but you know how that goes, sadly babies have a way of putting distance between ones who have them, and ones who don't.

I feel like the biggest bitch on the planet right now, but my heart hurts so hard. I can't climb out of this freaking hole that has in the last few months become my life, and it is really starting to get to Clark and I both. Sleep is all I want to do, and I even tried getting out of the house, but was terribly desperate to get home to my comfort zone so as to know that I was in control of my space again.

My doctors visit last week Wendsday went great, my labs were perfect, I got a flu shot, and an order for a kidney U/S, and out the door. Went and did a little shopping and home. Thursday I wasn't feeling to well all day, and by the time Clark got home I had been intermittantly been dry heaving for about 2 hours. It got worse from there, and I would just stop and heave at a seconds notice. Needless to say that is not a good thing to be doing all over the house. So Clark told Kent to get ready for bed early so that I could help him, and then I was sent off to bed for the night. I was trying to plan a supprise trip for Friday to the other side of the state, and when I woke up at 10:30 AM, I felt grand!! Ahh, but then I ate, and the food decided that it was not happy where it was... temp was 105, and 102 hmmm I didn't feel that hot!! So I call the PCP's office, and she reminds me about the flu shot I got.. DUH. Not to mention I should really have looked for the good thermometer... 99.2... Imodium, pepto, and some Tums, and by 1:30 I was out of the house, and on my way to visit a very dear friend. 6 hours later, and I pull up in her driveway planning to suprise her, only to find she isn't home!!! Ahhh at least her husband is there with the little ones so that I didn't have to sit in my car for hours. She was suprised, and we sat up late talking and having a ball. She is one of my best friends, and it was like we hadn't been apart!! Not to mention that she has 2 of the cutest little girls on the planet...one of which I was seeing for the first time!! We shopped and had so much fun on Saturday that Sunday morning came way to fast. I left there and drove back home in record time, got take out for the guys before I got here, and went ever so greatfully to my own king sized, pillow topped bed... I love ya girl, but that BED was HORRIBLE!!! :o) I guess that is what I get for showing up unannounced!!!

Monday was Kent's Oncology appointment. We are still NED (No Evidence of Disease)!!!!!! I was irritated though because 3 of the docs weren't there. I really needed to speak to the rehab doc, and now that I am paying for the visits, I would like them to show the hell up!!! Good lord I mean what is the freaking point of the "team" approach if half of the team isn't there???? Oh well rant over. Kent is now on meds for his headaches, although I am not sure how I feel about it because they are also antidepressants... so iffy for me to want him on them, but I will see how it goes.... Other then that things were great. He wasn't feeling well when we got home, and actually went to bed at like 4 pm. Poor baby. He was ok the next morning though, and went back to school.

Clark and I were both sick on Tuesday, he came home from work, and I was pretty much in and out of bed most of the day... you would think that I would be used to the pill by now, but it is still screwing with me, either that or I had a touch of something, again!!

I have my U/S appointment on Friday, but I am sooo not looking forward to it... I have to drink no less then 32oz's of water one hour before the scan, and then you are NOT ALLOWED TO PEE until the U/S is done... are they kidding me??? I just had surgery on my bladder and haven't pee'd right since!! GREAT!!! LOL that joke is on me!!!

Thinking about calling the IVF nurse to see where I stand, but I am not sure yet... I will let you know.... and with that I am off to bed!!!!