August 31, 2005


At the end of the Day...

Well, I have to report the good news first... My lumps weren't cancer!!! YEAH!!! So that was the biggest load off my shoulders. They are just going to leave the big one and keep an eye on it. I started taking B-6 and Vit. E this week because they say that really helps with Fibrocystic Breast Disease, so I am gonna give it a shot and see how it goes.

Now for the bad part... I decided that if I din't have cancer that I wanted to try to go back to doing some infertility treatments, I had talked to Clark about it the last few days, and he told me that we didn't have the money to adopt, but he never said that he wasn't wanting to try again. So after she told me the results, I told her that we wanted to try again, and we chatted about it, then she asked why we were thinking about it again, and I said because Clark told me he didn't want a Guataumlian baby (jokingly) and he looked right at the doc and says "I don't want anymore kids, I have one now, and besides those treatments aren't ever going to work anyway" I was BLOWN away. He was totally serious to. I just ended up asking her if she could get my records anyway, and help me fight with the ins. company, and she said that she would, but that she didn't think it looked good. Just what I wanted to hear... four months of waiting for the kids, they get ripped out from under me, not having the money to adopt internationally, and now this.. Makes me wonder if I am ever going to be a "mom" again. I mean yes we have Kent, and I love him dearly, but I didn't give birth to him, and I am totally begining to feel like he is the only child I am ever going to have.

I talked to our adoption worker today, and she told me one of the reasons that we may not have gotten the kids is a new program they put into affect called Pathways to Permanancy... it basically states that the children have to be placed as close to the home agency as possible, and MUST remain in the same school that they were already in. Well, since we live out of state, and I cannot drive an hour and a half twice a day, we don't live there anymore, basically me getting a call from them for any children is never gonna happen. I really wish they had told me before now so that I wouldn't even have gotten worked up about anything. So, that option is out, and the DSS option for us here is to as we don't have the time for the classes. When I got home today there were 6 rejection letters from the adoption agencies that we had applied to. So at that point I just started bawling. I mean geez, is it to much to ask to want to have a house full of kids mine or otherwise?? I feel like I have hit the end of my rope. If my PCP can't help me with the ins. company, then we are done, all the way around, finished. I have to admit that my heart is in a perpetual state of brokenness right now, and I am not sure if it will ever heal. I guess it is just time to "Move On" and "Get Over It" as so many of my online and RL friends seem to keep telling me... ahh but alas, they all have kids... go figure!!

Well, I am gonna go drown my sorrows, and maybe feel better in the morning... although I doubt it, I am gonna give it a try!! Good Night

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