August 27, 2005

Return to Normal???

Well, it has been a few days since I got on-line because I have just been in a state of trying to deal with my feelings. I called on Tuesday and talked to the kids' workers supervisor, first because I had to tell her that I couldn't attend any of the training that they had this week for funding of special needs placements, and then I told her what happened the day before when I talked to the other worker. I get through the whole thing, and she busts this on me "Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that she just told you yesterday (Monday) that you guys weren't getting the kids??" I said "Yes, that was the first I have heard of it why?" She says "I knew 3 WEEKS AGO that they weren't placing them with you" I went off!!! That means that they knew a week after we were supposed to get the kids on that Friday, and NOONE bothered to say anything. I told the supervisor that I was totally devastated, and that basically it was "on." She said that she was going to find out just what had happened, and that maybe the other worker didn't tell know how to tell me. I told her that was a freaking cop out and she knew it because I am an adult, and they tell people everyday that they are taking their kids away, so she knew how to say it she just didn't have the GUTS!! I mean it takes up to 2 weeks to put together a placement agreement, so she has known for at least that long that she wasn't giving them to us. So, the Sup. says she has a meeting with the boss that afternoon, and she would call me back ... hmm it is Saturday, think I have gotten that call?? NOPE!! They went to court Wendsday, and I don't know what happened, but I sat on the porch last night looking at the stars, and thinking that "my babies" were going to sleep in someone else's home last night, and I just cried. I talked to our adoption attorney yesterday and got some advice, I will follow it first, but he seems to think that we won't be able to find a lawyer that would take our case, and that we should just deal with it with DSS and save ourselves some money, what do you girls think?? I mean there has to be some civil lawyer out there who would want to fight for us?? I am not a sue happy person, but they don't have a clue what they have done to our family, and I want to make them acknowledge what they did to us. I didn't realize just how far the impact extended until my step mom called me all excited and asked if we had gotten the kids, when I told her no, she was hurt. Then I went back to the woman who donated 5 bags of her daughters clothes to us for the girls, and asked her if she wanted the clothes back, and when I told her what happened she went off. It was then that she told me just how excited her daughter was that she was going to have playmates her age, and how disappointed she was when she found out they weren't coming. See there are only 3 kids on our street, and she was so looking forward to having someone else around to play with. UGH. So I am going to request a meeting with the supervisor, and the asst. director of DSS, and give them holy hell. Clark said we need to find a way to force them into giving us the kids, I didn't realize how freaking hurt he was either, and I told him that I didn't want to, and shouldn't have to do it that way. All I know is that my heart is so totally broken right now, that it is gonna take a very long time to heal. I mean that woman SHOVED those kids down my throat for months, showed me pictures of them, told me that they looked like I had given birth to them, and that her ultimate goal was for us to adopt them. Then she calls me acting cold as a fish, and breaks my heart.... Well, I am not one to sit back and take something like that in stride since that makes it 4 times this year they have called me about a child, and then backpedaled!! I told the supervisor that I was done with them!! Ok, enough, I am getting pissed all over again!!

On another note, Thursday was my mammogram, and U/S and I was scared out of my mind. I had to be there at 1:30, I wish the doc would have given me something to calm my nerves, cuz my stomach kept me up all night, and was flipping all out that AM to, not to mention my heart was racing to!! I am so praying that this is gonna be nothing, and that I can get through the rest of the weekend, and then the follow-up on the 31st without falling apart. I have already cried twice this morning, and my nerves are shot!! So wish me luck, and throw me a little prayer!!

Kent officially became a 7th grader thursday morning. He was up and out of bed at 5:30 because he was so excited!!! I am so very proud of my little man, he even fixed his own hair all cute and spiky!! I am just praying thathe will do as good with his grades this year as he did last year. He went to the first dance of the year last night, and has a new girlfriend now to, so he is on cloud 9. I get such a charge out of watching him get so excited over stuff like that, he is so cute!!

Some of my friends have been telling me to get over not getting the kids, and move on. Frankly I have to say that I am totally offended, but then I expect it from people who have kids already of their own. Even some of the infertility girls are saying it to, but frankly, I totally feel like they(DSS) owe me an explaination or something, and I am not going to let it die. You can't just go around crushing people like that, and then expect to just walk away from the whole thing unscathed. I am going to call on Monday, and let them know that I talked to an attorney, and request a meeting with them before I move on with it.

I took some dogs to the vet on friday, and S needs to have surgery on her foot, and had hook worms, but other then that they all got clean bills of health. I was happy, but not looking forward to the next few months when we have to pay for the surgery, and getting 2 of them fixed, not to mention that I think J is pregnant... not to sure though, got to see what she does. No belly on her yet, but her mommie didn't pop out til she was 2 weeks away from having them. UGH, I wasn't trying to have anymore pups in this house!!

Oh well. I am gonna head out, I am tired, and want to hit the sack......

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