UGH....

Well, nothing cute to report... no comical quips tonight... everything with my follie check went great today 15 on the left, 10 on the right. I am however done!! I am so miserable right now that I have begun to question why in the hell I am doing this to myself. My ovaries are huge, my head won't stop hurting, and I am ready for this to all be over with!! UGH, I feel horrible for saying that because I really hope that all of the pain that I am in will lead to a shiny happy baby, but I can tell you that as I sit here right now I am doubting myself terribly. I called tonight and I have to go back in the AM again tomorrow. They lowered my dose to 200ml from 250ml. I am getting a little irritated that they never tell me my E2 level, or the size of my follies, but in speaking to other friends who have been there we decided that they like to keep it a secret. LOL So I will be off at the butt crack of dawn again... it took me an hour and 40 minutes to get there this AM, good thing I seem to not be my normal road rage filled self, or I might have been on the national news already!! I will let you all know as soon as I hear something tomorrow, but I am thinking that I might be on for a Monday ret. I HOPE!!!

Follie Update.....

Well, after 4 days on stims, I have 10 good ones cooking on the left ovary, and 7-8 on the right!!! Woo Hoo!! My lining was at a 5 already. I was actually surprised to see so many there because I haven't felt but a few twinges here and there and just those were in the last day or so... but nothing that told me that many!!! So I will stay on 250 units of F*lliSting, and 10 units of L*pron until Thursday, and then I go in that morning for another check. The RE says if all stays like this we should count on a Monday or Tuesday Ret.!!! I cannot believe it will be here that fast!!!

EDITED.... added....

Ok, I wanted to get that up, and then here I sit still not being able to freaking sleep. I have to admit that I am now scared out of my mind. I am so worried about all that can go wrong that it is almost paralyzing me with fear. I want to be excited about this whole thing, I really do, but all I can think about is all that can go wrong. I pray that I will come through this with the best possible outcome, but hell we all know that IF is a tricky bitch, and she lives to toss boulders in our way every step of the way!! I want to let myself think like a normal fertile, and start planning a nursery among other things, but my mind refuses to do it. My heart on the other hand is totally convinced that this is going to work, and in 9 short months I will be bringing a bundle home... ahhh, but the mind knows better then that!! Right now I can't count on anything, and that just pisses me off. I am so freaking tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop that I just wish this was all over with and I could get on with living my life, however it ends up!! UGH!!!! God, I hate INFERTILITY!!!

On another note, I saw the woman and her husband that I posted about last week this AM when I was at the Clinic, and she actually spoke to me. I asked her a few questions, and we chatted for a few minutes before I had to leave. I guess I just felt the need to go out of my way to speak to her and kinda let her know that I understood where she was at, and that I get the whole thing, ins. frustrations and all. She kinda seemed to be in a little better place, and that was nice. The Clinic was pretty busy this AM because they were only there for half of the day, so I felt very freaking rushed, but I didn't want to be there all day anyway!!

Tomorrow night Kent has his Induction ceremony for the Junior Beta Club, and I for the life of me tried to get him to cut his damn hair tonight, but he will not do it!! That kid is gonna make me NUTS with the hair thing. It just looks goofy on him because his hair is so stringy!! But, oh well I guess there are only a few things a 15 year old can control, and hair ranks right up at the top for him!! He and Clark have been having a great time playing with their RC trucks, and it is nice to see them spending so much time together. It is hard to imagine in just 4 more (or maybe less) years he will be going off to college. That little guy is so my hero!! He is just amazing, yeah we have our days, but he has come so far from where he was when he came to live with us at 10 that it just blows my mind that he is the same kid!! We are so proud of him!!

Well I am off to get some much needed beauty sleep!! LOL not that sleep is doing me much good these days!! Hey Clark has lucked out, I still haven't found my inner Raving Bitch yet!! So he lives to fight another day!! Night.

Tomorrow Morning....

I will once again get up at the ButtCrackOfDawn to drive to the RE's office for my first follie check. I have been on 250 units of FoliSting (yeah that shit really burns!!) since Thursday night. I am not feeling much in the way of action in the old ovaries, so I will be shocked to see anything. I have been EXHAUSTED though, and had even worse headaches then with just the L*pron alone. I literally slept for almost 23 hours straight. My friend M called this am and asked if I wanted to ride with her to take her kids to the Zoo, and I was beat, but I went anyway. It really was a lot of fun, but now I am dead tired, my back is killing me, and I am retaining a ton of water!!! Oh lord what a whine fest!! I will let you all know how everything goes in the morning!!

Ok, so yesterday wasn't all fun....

Well, I have to admit that I hardly ever get shocked by strangers anymore, but the couple, actually just the wife, that I met yesterday at the RE's office took the cake!!

Let me start off by saying that Infertility is painful, and I never wish the pain that I have endured over the last almost 15 years on ANYONE. I don't think that there is anyway to even separate infertility into categories such as Primary IF (having not had, or having had trouble conceiving your first), or Secondary IF (having trouble conceiving subsequent children either with or without having trouble with the first). I do however feel that women who have had miscarriages after getting pregnant carry a pain altogether different. So on that note, I suffer from "Primary Infertility", I have never been pregnant. I have never been on birth control other then to start IVF, and we have never taken measures to prevent a pregnancy. I have been to so many different docs, and even had Gastric Bypass to try to "cure" my PCOS. Clark was in the Navy for 9 years, and I dealt with the military insurance machine while trying the whole time he was in to get pregnant. The military insurance arena is not a place in my opinion in to try to achieve pregnancy when you are infertile, they really run you through the hoops, and basically pay for next to nothing, they also don't as a rule provide much in the way of coverage should you not want or be able to see one of their active duty RE's. There just really isn't much of an emphasis or interest placed on women who have infertility issues, period.

So, when Clark got out of the Navy and got a civil service job, it came with almost the same crappy coverage that we had in the military. Out of 21 companies to choose from there was one who offered IF benefits, and we jumped on them. They were cheaper and covered more then most of the others to. It took me almost 2 1/2 years just to qualify for a referral to an RE with CrappyInsuranceCompany, and I have battled with them over quite a few things in the year since I got my referral. My insurance covers IF 50%, that includes meds by a tiered scale of payment. You get 6 IUI's, and 3 IVF's per live birth, with a lifetime cap of $100,000. With all that being said, I consider myself very lucky to have insurance that covers any IF at all, because that is not the rule with most companies. I feel that after fighting for as long as I have, I deserve to take advantage of something that is offered to me. I have the money for IVF, but only with the insurance. As Clark so sweetly told me yesterday, "If I had had to pay for those meds or any of this full price, you would be getting another puppy instead of doing IVF!!!", and he fully meant it. Neither one of us is willing to go into debt trying to have a child. So with all of the above being said, I return you to my issue.....

I saw this couple enter the office yesterday, and after they signed in they came and sat right near me. Something about them screamed RedNeck, and when her DH got up to use the men's room, I saw from his shirt that they were indeed from my local area. I got up to talk to the business office lady while he was being directed to the restrooms, and got a little chuckle when he got the snot shocked out of him by touching the doorknob, he laughed to. He had returned to his seat before I got done with my paperwork, and when I walked back over and sat down, I smiled and asked him if he had planned on having to get electroshock therapy while he was there today. They both laughed, and I mentioned that I had seen they were from near me. We started chatting, and after a few minutes she asked me if the woman that I had been talking to was the girl from the business office. I told her yeah, that she had needed a copy of my pre-approval letter from the ins. company. I literally watched as this woman, who only moments before was smiling at me, got the most nasty look on her face, and she hissed at me "Well, it must be really nice to have insurance that covers this crap." To which I replied "Actually yes it is." At that very moment the nurse called me back, and I got my things and went back to the inner waiting area.

What the hell was that all about?? The whole thing bothered me for the rest of the day. I mean come on now, I know I am lucky to have the coverage, but why in the hell does that have to be a bone of contention or a strike against me as a person?? I have never gotten nasty with someone just because of something so petty. I get it that IVF is very costly, but I haven't walked through this financially unscathed, I had to pay $1700.00 out of pocket for a Lap just because it was done by my RE, and not a GYN, not to mention the TIME that it took me to get to this place. I guess I just don't see how one person could have so much anger towards me without even knowing what I have been through to be sitting in that waiting room with them. Is her pain worse then mine because she has to pay more then me? Drive farther then me? Is is about how much it takes to get there, how you get there or why your there?? Not in my eyes, because we are all "sisters" if we are there at all, and the anger that I felt from one of my "sisters" yesterday really hurt me. As much as I have been through I would never be angry over money. I have friends in the IF world who have mortgaged everything they own to pay for treatments, and have no baby to show for it in the end. For them I have so much anger and sadness, but the anger is for a country who seems to refuse to force the lawmakers to require ins. co's to cover IF treatments. So, I guess that I was just very unprepared for the anger that faced me yesterday just because of the coverage I do have, and I find it so unfair.

Well, I have got to go to Bed!! Clark and Kent are going out again tomorrow for some Batteries and Bonding!! LOL Clark got Kent a new Remote Control car this week, and the batteries for it are on back order, so they are just going to drive up and get some. Ahhh time alone!!!

I am wearing a big, fat grin!!!!!

Well, I finally did get to bed last night, and had a hard time actually getting to sleep only to be woken up around 1:30 am by a rottweiler crawling over my face and trying to sleep, actually I am debating with Clark about the fact that I think she was trying to smother me!! I freaked out, and she pinned me down hair and all. I finally got her off me, but by then I was wide the hell awake. I guess one of our other rotties was laying at the foot of the bed, and every time she tried to go past her, the other one growled. So, she felt the only way out was to go over the top of Clark and I to get to the other side of the room!! UGH I woke Clark up, and he just laughed, and told her to get down.... but this girl is 90 pounds, and when you are half asleep 90 pounds feels like 500, and she wasn't just gonna get down. Of course Clark can just roll over and head right back to never land, but sleep for me doesn't come that easy.... ass!!

I was up before dawn, and in my van to the RE's office by 7 am. It was freaking COLD this morning, and the drive that shouldn't have taken an hour took an hour and a half. I was so irritated by the time I got to the RE's I was just waiting for them to give me bad news. After waiting for about a half an hour the lady from the business office came out and told me that they hadn't received my ins. approval letter. I told her that I had it with me and she went off to copy it. They called me back right after that, I got the standard blood letting, and then was shown my bathroom where I donned the paper towel. My U/S showed no cysts!! Yes way to go guys!! Sorry about the chewing out I gave you last night but I was convinced you were gonna play games today. Lining was nil. So, here I go trying to sit p thinking I am done, and the doc says to me "No, wait there is more." More?? HUH?? I didn't sign up for more. The nurse looks at me as she is ripping open a package, and says... "Mock Transfer." Uh what the hell is that?? Oh I was to find out. This little game is where they take a catheter just like the ones they use for a real transfer, and see if they can get it up through the cervix, and into the baby bin. Well, that was no freaking fun let me tell you!! Think back to when you were a kid, or more recently for some, to when you stuck your tongue to a 9 volt battery... multiply that feeling by 20, and that is what you get in your girlie parts when you have a mock transfer. GREAT!! Who forgot to tell me to take a pain reliever?? After limping back to the bathroom and getting dressed, I was off to learn how to shoot up. The last time I did this it was still the days of separate vials that had to be reconstituted, well now they have this fancy little pen that you load, slap a needle on, dial up the dose, and stab away!! How cool is that?? Checked out, and off to the pharmacy to get the "goodies". Well there has to be a hitch in the day somewhere right?? After a late afternoon call yesterday in which I was informed that yes my meds were there, and yes they were ready, I arrived to find out that my F*llistim had not in fact been delivered, but was en route to the store. I decided to let this one slide, and went off to have lunch with Clark. Had lunch, back to pharmacy. Meds there, and ready. Can I say that when that man told me how much what I was holding in my hands was worth I about crapped!! $4850.00. WOW, that is a lot of dough, and all in a little bag!! Off to the house, and to sit and wait to see if the 4:30 call to the phone tree held that magic phrase. Well it did, all is good start stims tonight!!! YES, Thank the freaking stars!!! So I officially am stimming!! I cannot tell you how good it feels to be saying that!! I did have a situation happen that I will tell you about tomorrow. It is late here, and I am so tired that my eyes are cussing me out, so I am off to bed! Night!!