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Well, ok, so I never heard back from the docs about the kidney thing until Friday... they still are very unsure as to how and when to proceed, so I am stuck in limbo again. Hopefully I will hear somethng by Monday afternoon.
My van is in the shop, so that nixed my planned trip this weekend because I cannot take Kent anywhere in the rental car that I have. His wheelchair doesn't fold up anymore, and this trip involved 15 hours of driving. Needless to say he is pretty frusterated and upset with his mom right now, but hey he will get over it, these things were beyond my control.
I emailed the IVF nurse on Thursday night and she emailed me back Friday saying that Dr B was in surgery and that she would call me on Monday to let me know what she said. I have to call the Bus. office on Monday to get our reapproval rolling, so that it is ready. She told me that I would prolly be a go because I won't hit the closure date with the lab, so in a small sense I am getting excited, but I am dreading this whole thing getting started again. It is to weird because I have looked forward to this for as long as I can remember, but the last few months since surgery and DX seemed to have skewed my perceptions of everything that life has to hold. I am not sure of anything anymore, and it bothers me that my heart isn't in this in the way that it used to be. I spoke a few posts ago of a decision that I had come to reguarding all of this, and there it goes:
If we do these 3 IVF's, and still end up w/o a baby at the end, then we are done. No adoption, no foster care, no more treatments. Done. That was my decision. We have Kent, and in just a few years he will be going off to college and we will be empty-nesters. At this point with all tha has gone on in the last few months I am fine with this. I am getting to old (in my own opinion) to keep up this adventure. I want to go back to school, and travel with my husband. I have already had a very long time to mourn my fertility, so that isn't even going to be an issue if we don't get pregnant. I have accepted that I will in most likelyhood not walk away from this with a child, but that is ok with me honestly. I have delt with it, and I am prepared for it. With that being said..... today is CD9, and I should be starting Lupron on the 29th of this month barring any unforseen circumstances!! But then we all know that this is me I am talking about.......
Felt like an ass because someone had something you wanted, and it made you so jealous that you were shocked with yourself?? Well I have been like that because an old friend of mine has just adopted for the second time, and with such amazing ease that I could just scream. Not that she doesn't deserve to be happy, but just because it seems to be so flawless for her. She told me once before the cries of the first little cutie pulled us apart, that she never planned on doing the adoption thing again, that being a mother wasn't what she thought it was going to be, and that she just couldn't see doing it ever again. So then you explain to me why it is that just short months after arriving in a country that doesn't generally allow adoption to foreigners that she is the proud mother of a newborn baby?? When I got that email it stopped me cold before I opened it. It had been almost 6 months since we had last exchanged 4 sentence emails in which I found out that she was off into the world again, and it was a group email at that to which I responded. So here I sit mad at her, and mad at myself for being mad. How crappy is that??
It kills me because I am a good person, I do everything that I can for others, yet I cannot get my hands on the prize. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and ADORE Kent with all that I have, and all that I am, but I long so much to be able to hold a baby in my arms, full of the future with all of us in it. I long to shape that little life into something great, and up until this point, I have been denied that by everyone, including my very own body. So that is where I stand. I love my friend dearly, I miss her, and all of the late night talks we had, but she has acquired for the second time the quintessential thing that will inevitably split two friends who share infertility. A newborn baby.
I have been avioding a friend that I have had for years because she had a baby, and I couldn't, that damn jealousy again. Well, for the last few weeks she has been dealing with something horrible with her little girl, and like a heal I can't answer my phone now either because I feel like an asshole. I have a speacial needs child, but he was like that when he came to live with me, I cannot imagine it being my biological child, and what she must be going through. Ahh but don't take that wrong either, it is hard with Kent, but he was already in his wheelchair, and had delt with his cancer by then. But to be totally honest, she isn't the only one I have cut myself off from lately. All of my friends have become hard to talk to... part of the reason is that I used to light right up and smoke all the time while I was talking. Well, since I quit smoking it is just hard for me to even talk on the phone if you get my drift... I always want to light up when I get on it. It really is hard to do things that I used to be able to smoke while doing... like driving. I never smoked in my house, so that isn't to hard. But the other reason is that most of them just don't understand why I am so damn miserable right now. I can't talk to people who cannot feel the depth of my pain... can you???
So, I went to hide from the world again the last few days.... everything just seems to be spinnning out of control again, and I hate it being the control freak that I am. I was blindsided on Friday by the U/S tech who called in a doc to look at the old right kidney... I guess it not only has an odd shape, but it has some anomalies on it.... JOY OH FREAKING JOY!!!!! You have got to be kidding me... just for once can something NOT be wrong with me??? So I have to wait for my doc and the Rad doc to chat and see if they need to biopsy the anomalies, which may or may not take just a needle, or possibly a hospital stay. This could ruin some very important plans that I have for this coming weekend, I am not happy about it, and neither is Kent.
I haven't put up my tree yet, and I am not sure that I want to. Things just seem to not hold an importance for me like they used to. I haven't even done our cards yet, and I usually have them ready and out by now... but I haven't done a photot yet, and I love sending out photo cards... but alas that is just one more thing my heart isn't in. Of course it could be that I have already given Clark his biggest gift.... (Yeah, Yeah, but where in the hell was I supposed to hide a 5 foot tall tool chest??) and mine is going to be done on thursday... we (I) are getting HughesNet (satellite internet for the house, that is my Xmas gift. Of course Kent got tons of stuff already again, but most of it is little in size. Our tree is HUGE and such a pain in the ass to put up, that it has been something I do not look forward to at all anymore. Like I said it just doesn't hold the same fasination for me that it used to... frankly it is just one more year that I don't have.....
Today was CD3 and I just sat here all day staring at the phone... I prolly should have called the IVF nurse, no I should have called her so that all the ins shit can be in order just in case I get to cycle this coming month, but hell that has all of the fasination that Xmas holds for me anymore. Maybe it is just the fact that I have a terrible feeling that I will fall on my face again, or better yet, walk right through this cycle with ease and end up with nothing to show for it on the other side. I guess a lot of this feeling has to do with the fact that the more I learn about all the wonderful things Endo can, will and has done to my body that I wonder why I am even bothering. What will my daughter (should I have one) have to look forward to because her mother was so selfish as to want her. What quality of life will I have with my child(ren) once they are here if I am as ill as often after them as I am now?? These are the things that I struggle with everyday..... and I get pissed off more everyday. I have wanted to call my mother on more then one occasion and just scream at her because of all of this. But it isn't her fault... she didn't know. But I do. Can I pass this on to a daughter knowing how horrible my life has been because of it?? I pray every day that "God" will tell me what to do, or send me a sign of some kind... anything. Everyday I sit here in the silence with no answer yet, and do it all over again. I don't think it is ever going to end. I may call the IVF nurse tomorrow, and I may not....
Well, as you can see I have left you hanging again... I honestly sit down at my computer 10 times a day to write a post, and then never get it done. I have become a Blog Whore. I would rather sit for hours and read other Blogs then attend to mine... I guess I am just tired or typing the same old bitter bullshit everytime I sit here, not to mention the depression that is so much a friend to me that I am begining to think I might have to stop feeding it or beat the hell out of it to get it to leave!! It really has become a palpable presence in the house, and I think even the dogs feel it. It really hit me yesterday when my third Christmas card of the season arrived.... with the smallest sentance at the bottom....... Congratulations on Kent joining your family. Maybe your family is larger by now?? Yeah, and I tried desperatly to catch that monkey that flew out of my ass last week to... but that little shit was just to fast!!!!! Hmmm do I sense a tad of bitterness??? Gee ya think?? I have tried very hard to be nice about babies, and all things baby, but there are times when my heart aches and longs so much and so hard that I cannot hide the jealousy. It hurts to much to keep it inside.
Someone I know is becoming a mother this week, and I am angry about it... She is a great mother from what little bits I have seen. We used to be very close, but you know how that goes, sadly babies have a way of putting distance between ones who have them, and ones who don't.
I feel like the biggest bitch on the planet right now, but my heart hurts so hard. I can't climb out of this freaking hole that has in the last few months become my life, and it is really starting to get to Clark and I both. Sleep is all I want to do, and I even tried getting out of the house, but was terribly desperate to get home to my comfort zone so as to know that I was in control of my space again.
My doctors visit last week Wendsday went great, my labs were perfect, I got a flu shot, and an order for a kidney U/S, and out the door. Went and did a little shopping and home. Thursday I wasn't feeling to well all day, and by the time Clark got home I had been intermittantly been dry heaving for about 2 hours. It got worse from there, and I would just stop and heave at a seconds notice. Needless to say that is not a good thing to be doing all over the house. So Clark told Kent to get ready for bed early so that I could help him, and then I was sent off to bed for the night. I was trying to plan a supprise trip for Friday to the other side of the state, and when I woke up at 10:30 AM, I felt grand!! Ahh, but then I ate, and the food decided that it was not happy where it was... temp was 105, and 102 hmmm I didn't feel that hot!! So I call the PCP's office, and she reminds me about the flu shot I got.. DUH. Not to mention I should really have looked for the good thermometer... 99.2... Imodium, pepto, and some Tums, and by 1:30 I was out of the house, and on my way to visit a very dear friend. 6 hours later, and I pull up in her driveway planning to suprise her, only to find she isn't home!!! Ahhh at least her husband is there with the little ones so that I didn't have to sit in my car for hours. She was suprised, and we sat up late talking and having a ball. She is one of my best friends, and it was like we hadn't been apart!! Not to mention that she has 2 of the cutest little girls on the planet...one of which I was seeing for the first time!! We shopped and had so much fun on Saturday that Sunday morning came way to fast. I left there and drove back home in record time, got take out for the guys before I got here, and went ever so greatfully to my own king sized, pillow topped bed... I love ya girl, but that BED was HORRIBLE!!! :o) I guess that is what I get for showing up unannounced!!!
Monday was Kent's Oncology appointment. We are still NED (No Evidence of Disease)!!!!!! I was irritated though because 3 of the docs weren't there. I really needed to speak to the rehab doc, and now that I am paying for the visits, I would like them to show the hell up!!! Good lord I mean what is the freaking point of the "team" approach if half of the team isn't there???? Oh well rant over. Kent is now on meds for his headaches, although I am not sure how I feel about it because they are also antidepressants... so iffy for me to want him on them, but I will see how it goes.... Other then that things were great. He wasn't feeling well when we got home, and actually went to bed at like 4 pm. Poor baby. He was ok the next morning though, and went back to school.
Clark and I were both sick on Tuesday, he came home from work, and I was pretty much in and out of bed most of the day... you would think that I would be used to the pill by now, but it is still screwing with me, either that or I had a touch of something, again!!
I have my U/S appointment on Friday, but I am sooo not looking forward to it... I have to drink no less then 32oz's of water one hour before the scan, and then you are NOT ALLOWED TO PEE until the U/S is done... are they kidding me??? I just had surgery on my bladder and haven't pee'd right since!! GREAT!!! LOL that joke is on me!!!
Thinking about calling the IVF nurse to see where I stand, but I am not sure yet... I will let you know.... and with that I am off to bed!!!!
