I am a horrible friend....

I have been avioding a friend that I have had for years because she had a baby, and I couldn't, that damn jealousy again. Well, for the last few weeks she has been dealing with something horrible with her little girl, and like a heal I can't answer my phone now either because I feel like an asshole. I have a speacial needs child, but he was like that when he came to live with me, I cannot imagine it being my biological child, and what she must be going through. Ahh but don't take that wrong either, it is hard with Kent, but he was already in his wheelchair, and had delt with his cancer by then. But to be totally honest, she isn't the only one I have cut myself off from lately. All of my friends have become hard to talk to... part of the reason is that I used to light right up and smoke all the time while I was talking. Well, since I quit smoking it is just hard for me to even talk on the phone if you get my drift... I always want to light up when I get on it. It really is hard to do things that I used to be able to smoke while doing... like driving. I never smoked in my house, so that isn't to hard. But the other reason is that most of them just don't understand why I am so damn miserable right now. I can't talk to people who cannot feel the depth of my pain... can you???

It only gets closer.....

So, I went to hide from the world again the last few days.... everything just seems to be spinnning out of control again, and I hate it being the control freak that I am. I was blindsided on Friday by the U/S tech who called in a doc to look at the old right kidney... I guess it not only has an odd shape, but it has some anomalies on it.... JOY OH FREAKING JOY!!!!! You have got to be kidding me... just for once can something NOT be wrong with me??? So I have to wait for my doc and the Rad doc to chat and see if they need to biopsy the anomalies, which may or may not take just a needle, or possibly a hospital stay. This could ruin some very important plans that I have for this coming weekend, I am not happy about it, and neither is Kent.

I haven't put up my tree yet, and I am not sure that I want to. Things just seem to not hold an importance for me like they used to. I haven't even done our cards yet, and I usually have them ready and out by now... but I haven't done a photot yet, and I love sending out photo cards... but alas that is just one more thing my heart isn't in. Of course it could be that I have already given Clark his biggest gift.... (Yeah, Yeah, but where in the hell was I supposed to hide a 5 foot tall tool chest??) and mine is going to be done on thursday... we (I) are getting HughesNet (satellite internet for the house, that is my Xmas gift. Of course Kent got tons of stuff already again, but most of it is little in size. Our tree is HUGE and such a pain in the ass to put up, that it has been something I do not look forward to at all anymore. Like I said it just doesn't hold the same fasination for me that it used to... frankly it is just one more year that I don't have.....

Today was CD3 and I just sat here all day staring at the phone... I prolly should have called the IVF nurse, no I should have called her so that all the ins shit can be in order just in case I get to cycle this coming month, but hell that has all of the fasination that Xmas holds for me anymore. Maybe it is just the fact that I have a terrible feeling that I will fall on my face again, or better yet, walk right through this cycle with ease and end up with nothing to show for it on the other side. I guess a lot of this feeling has to do with the fact that the more I learn about all the wonderful things Endo can, will and has done to my body that I wonder why I am even bothering. What will my daughter (should I have one) have to look forward to because her mother was so selfish as to want her. What quality of life will I have with my child(ren) once they are here if I am as ill as often after them as I am now?? These are the things that I struggle with everyday..... and I get pissed off more everyday. I have wanted to call my mother on more then one occasion and just scream at her because of all of this. But it isn't her fault... she didn't know. But I do. Can I pass this on to a daughter knowing how horrible my life has been because of it?? I pray every day that "God" will tell me what to do, or send me a sign of some kind... anything. Everyday I sit here in the silence with no answer yet, and do it all over again. I don't think it is ever going to end. I may call the IVF nurse tomorrow, and I may not....

Which end is Up???

Well, as you can see I have left you hanging again... I honestly sit down at my computer 10 times a day to write a post, and then never get it done. I have become a Blog Whore. I would rather sit for hours and read other Blogs then attend to mine... I guess I am just tired or typing the same old bitter bullshit everytime I sit here, not to mention the depression that is so much a friend to me that I am begining to think I might have to stop feeding it or beat the hell out of it to get it to leave!! It really has become a palpable presence in the house, and I think even the dogs feel it. It really hit me yesterday when my third Christmas card of the season arrived.... with the smallest sentance at the bottom....... Congratulations on Kent joining your family. Maybe your family is larger by now?? Yeah, and I tried desperatly to catch that monkey that flew out of my ass last week to... but that little shit was just to fast!!!!! Hmmm do I sense a tad of bitterness??? Gee ya think?? I have tried very hard to be nice about babies, and all things baby, but there are times when my heart aches and longs so much and so hard that I cannot hide the jealousy. It hurts to much to keep it inside.

Someone I know is becoming a mother this week, and I am angry about it... She is a great mother from what little bits I have seen. We used to be very close, but you know how that goes, sadly babies have a way of putting distance between ones who have them, and ones who don't.

I feel like the biggest bitch on the planet right now, but my heart hurts so hard. I can't climb out of this freaking hole that has in the last few months become my life, and it is really starting to get to Clark and I both. Sleep is all I want to do, and I even tried getting out of the house, but was terribly desperate to get home to my comfort zone so as to know that I was in control of my space again.

My doctors visit last week Wendsday went great, my labs were perfect, I got a flu shot, and an order for a kidney U/S, and out the door. Went and did a little shopping and home. Thursday I wasn't feeling to well all day, and by the time Clark got home I had been intermittantly been dry heaving for about 2 hours. It got worse from there, and I would just stop and heave at a seconds notice. Needless to say that is not a good thing to be doing all over the house. So Clark told Kent to get ready for bed early so that I could help him, and then I was sent off to bed for the night. I was trying to plan a supprise trip for Friday to the other side of the state, and when I woke up at 10:30 AM, I felt grand!! Ahh, but then I ate, and the food decided that it was not happy where it was... temp was 105, and 102 hmmm I didn't feel that hot!! So I call the PCP's office, and she reminds me about the flu shot I got.. DUH. Not to mention I should really have looked for the good thermometer... 99.2... Imodium, pepto, and some Tums, and by 1:30 I was out of the house, and on my way to visit a very dear friend. 6 hours later, and I pull up in her driveway planning to suprise her, only to find she isn't home!!! Ahhh at least her husband is there with the little ones so that I didn't have to sit in my car for hours. She was suprised, and we sat up late talking and having a ball. She is one of my best friends, and it was like we hadn't been apart!! Not to mention that she has 2 of the cutest little girls on the planet...one of which I was seeing for the first time!! We shopped and had so much fun on Saturday that Sunday morning came way to fast. I left there and drove back home in record time, got take out for the guys before I got here, and went ever so greatfully to my own king sized, pillow topped bed... I love ya girl, but that BED was HORRIBLE!!! :o) I guess that is what I get for showing up unannounced!!!

Monday was Kent's Oncology appointment. We are still NED (No Evidence of Disease)!!!!!! I was irritated though because 3 of the docs weren't there. I really needed to speak to the rehab doc, and now that I am paying for the visits, I would like them to show the hell up!!! Good lord I mean what is the freaking point of the "team" approach if half of the team isn't there???? Oh well rant over. Kent is now on meds for his headaches, although I am not sure how I feel about it because they are also antidepressants... so iffy for me to want him on them, but I will see how it goes.... Other then that things were great. He wasn't feeling well when we got home, and actually went to bed at like 4 pm. Poor baby. He was ok the next morning though, and went back to school.

Clark and I were both sick on Tuesday, he came home from work, and I was pretty much in and out of bed most of the day... you would think that I would be used to the pill by now, but it is still screwing with me, either that or I had a touch of something, again!!

I have my U/S appointment on Friday, but I am sooo not looking forward to it... I have to drink no less then 32oz's of water one hour before the scan, and then you are NOT ALLOWED TO PEE until the U/S is done... are they kidding me??? I just had surgery on my bladder and haven't pee'd right since!! GREAT!!! LOL that joke is on me!!!

Thinking about calling the IVF nurse to see where I stand, but I am not sure yet... I will let you know.... and with that I am off to bed!!!!

Did you miss me???

Well, I know I have been bad, but I sorta have an excuse... I have been really busy!! I have been trying to get in all the doctors visits that I can before the end of the year to get all caught up on our various health issues that have suffered the last few months. I want to get everything caught up so that when I cycle again after the first of the year I don't have so much on my plate.

My dad and step-mom had to cancel for Turkey Day which made me sad, but I invited a dear friend and her kids over (her DH is out on a 6 month deployment) and we had a blast. There was so much food, and it was nice having her and her girls to hang out with. They ended up staying the night that night so that she and I could make it Black Friday shopping the next morning. That went off so so as she wasn't able to get everythig that she needed, but I picked up some stuff for Kent. I decided that for the most part this year everyone is getting cookies, and I have been baking like a mad woman so I really didn't have to much shopping to do other then for the guys, and that I got done all this week either at the stores or online. I just don't know what to get people, and everyone loves cookies!!! There are some people that I got small special gifts for, but for the most part it is just COOKIES!! LOL

I went to the Doc for my annual exam on the 21st. Hmmm, I am not to sure how well he and I are going to get along, but he is just my PCP, and I need to find a GYN anyway. I wasn't really comfortable with him that is all. I guess it was the question he asked me after we had gone over my history, and then he looked at the drugs that I take, and asked me why in the world I was on Birth Control if I was trying to get pregnant... uh ok let me splain.... LOL, I have my follow up with him in the morning for the bloodwork that he took when I was there, we will see how that goes.

I have been seeing my therapist every week for the last few months, and I think that she has really helped me to start working on some things that I never even realized were there. It has been very eye opening, and I honestly hope to keep working on things with her. A lot of it has to do with how I feel about Kent, the things that he does, and how it relates to my past, and the feelings I have about it. You can't imagine what have a special needs child can make you feel at times unless you have been there, and while I try very hard to sympathize with him there are times when I feel so overwhelmed with the responsibility I feel like I might snap. That usually happens on a day when I am not feeling like dealing with the BS that he seems to only toss my way when I am lacking the patience of a saint. I know that he is 15, and that this is what they do, but I swear he knows when I am vunerable, and goes for the jugular!! We had a huge fight this week about his lying, and I flat out told him that I won't tolerate it, and that if he feels the need to keep lying to me about stupid, and I mean stupid, stuff then I will just start pulling privledges at will. So last night he lied to me about putting a cover on something that he was microwaving... Lost the Dance on Friday... OMG you would have thought I shot him!!!! Although I gave him the chance to switch it with something else today because he is supposed to take pictures for the yearbook and the newsletter that night. I told him that he would be without a stereo for the next 2 weeks, and he was like fine whatever. Boy what I wouldn't give to be so young and carefree again!!

Well, once again, it is late, I am tired, and I have an appointment in the AM, followed by lunch with my Hunny after, not to mention returning some stuff. I will try to get in a longer post about the goings on in my brain in a day or so, cuz there is a lot in there!! :o)

Re-Intro

Well, I guess I should start off by re-introduce myself..... I am Rebel, a 33 year old who was just recently DX'd with stage 3 Endomitriosis during a Lap. I have known since I was 17 that I had PCOS, and thought that was the root of all of my Infertility problems... But I was oh so wrong. My husband Clark and I have been married for 12 years. We have an adopted son who is 15 years old, Kent, who I totally adore with all that I am. K has been with us just a few short years, first as a foster child. We live in "Rural Ranchland", USA. I have another blog in blogland, but I have to many people IRL who know about it, and it has become to hard for me to share my deepest, and darkest yet honest feelings about my day to day life there, so I decided that I needed a place all of my own that noone knows about to start over. I have moments of clarity that shock the hell out of me, and that I know would shock the hell out of some of the people who read me there, so I have chosen to become "Me" again here on these pages, and possibly learn to love myself again. I am not an altogether brilliant writer, but I have my good days, and my bad days, as those dealing with Infertility will surely understand. So sit back and enjoy the ride into IVF with me after so many long years of waiting.... So here you are....