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Well I didn't realize that I had been gone for so long.... 3 whole months.... So much has happened in the last three months that it would probably take me a month to put it all down, so I guess I will do a Cliff Note to catch this puppy up.
The Infertility Front:
Well, I went to the RE in May for a followup to finish our referal, and all was ok, except there was some unexplained fluid behind my left ovary. Bloodwork was all good, and as I posted before Clarks's guys were great. So the referal went in, and I got word on June 30 that we were approved for one cycle, the only bad thing was that I had just started my cycle, and it was to late to start meds. The other bad thing was that when I stated bleeding, I had excruciating pain in my left ovary all day on CD1 that it put me in bed for a day and a half. I mean it was horrible, felt like someone had stabbed me with a hot knife. Well two days after I got the letter, I started bleeding again, mid-cycle, but I figured what the hell, so I called them on the 1st of July (CD3) and went in for bloodwork and an U/S. My RE wasn't there, so another one did the U/s, and there plain as day was a huge follie on my right ovary... she told me that it shouldn't be there since I was on CD3, but it should have been CD16, so the follie was right, but the bleeding was off. So she goes to look at the left ovary, and I about fell off the table, it was pain so bad, I almost cried. She went on to look at my lining, and found that it was only a 1 in most places. (Normal lining thickness is a 10 or more) But, then she found some areas at the top of my uterus that had thickness' of 10-15. She called my RE in, and they decided to do a biopsy on the areas.... Cancer is what she told me that she thought it was, that is what it looked like to her. I was stunned and a mess. She told me that it would take 10 days to 2 weeks to get the results back, and to just try not to worry to much... she doesn't know me very well!! Well, by Wenesday of that same week, I was in terrible pain again, and bleeding heavily, so I called and asked if I could come in for them to see what was up. Thursday I went in, and the RE did an U/S. The follie on the right ovary had started to colapse, so she thinks that I did infact "O" either Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, not good with all of the bleeding, and further making her think something was wrong. So she looked at the lining, and the spots that they biopsied were smaller. So, on to the left ovary, and the source of my pain. Nothing was on the ovary, but again the fluid from May was still there. She switched from the transvaginal wand and looked with an abdominal external probe, and there was more there this time then in May. She was very concerned about the fact that I was bleeding so heavily, and having so much pain. She mentioned that I may now have gotten everything worked out with the weight loss and Metformin, so that now an under lying Luteal Phase Defect is showing up... like the PCOS isn't a big enough kick in the ass huh??!! Basically an LPD means that I may infact concieve every month, but that my body gets its signals crossed, and when I should be making progesterone to thicken the lining to further support an embryo, my body does just the opposite and sheds the lining, hence the bleeding on CD16 for the last 2 cycles. So, we decided that we would wait to see what the tests came back as before we would decide what to do. I cannot tell you how long those 2 and a half weeks were. It took them a little longer then normal to get word back, but when they did it was good, no Cancer, but we both agreed it was time to do a Laproscopy, and see what was going on in there. So the 22nd (Tuesday) is my surgery. I am having a Lap, and a hysteroscopy at the same time. I had my pre-op on the 14th, and did all of the registration with the hospital after that. Monday when I went in was CD14, and then right on "schedual" on wenesday CD16, I started bleeding again. The only thing that is pissing me off now is that the ins. co. has decided that the surgery will fall under our IF benifit, so we have to pay 50%. I am going to fight them, but the HBA at the clinic said to wait until after surgery to do it or they could pull the approval. I am not happy about having to pay that much because that will wipe out our IF savings account. ASSHOLES. We have been having trouble with them since we signed with them, but they are the only company that offers IF coverage to government employees in VA. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!
The Kent Front:
Well, it has been a hard summer with him, we have been butting heads on a regular basis, and he has gotten all of his electronics taken away once again. It would take 10 posts to tell you all the crap he has been pulling, so I am not really going to go into it right now. We did get to go to the Def Leopard/ Journey Concert in July, and it was a blast. I got him tickets for his birthday to Lenard Skynard in October. Clark and I are taking him, and we got front row seats!! He is really looking forward to it! He will be starting school this Friday and is soooo looking forward to going back. This will be his last year of middle school. I can't believe it, it seems like yesterday he was in the 2nd grade and just a little peanut of a thing. This must be how BioMoms feel watching their little ones grow up.....
The Fur Baby Front:
Well, since it has been so long since I posted we have had some major changes in the house as far as the animals. First off we lost Bella in May due to what our new vet thinks was Cancer. She was limping a lot, and Clark and I took her to the vet, and he DX'd her with hip dysplasia, so we started her on shots for building up her joint fluid to ease some of her pain... well that weekend was Memorial Day weekend, and we had taken her in that Friday to have her second shot, and Clark asked him about some things that were concerning us... she hadn't been holding her bladder, had been having a hard time with #2 and whining all the time, so Clark asked him if he thought it could be something more serious then just her hips, but he said it was prolly just that she was in pain, and gave her some meds. Well, by Tuesday she was acting really out of it, walking like she was drunk, not eating or drinking, and panting like she was hot. When I took her temp after she had been outside laying in the sun for over 3 hours (it was 95 degrees out and humid as hell), and it was only 98.3 (normal temp for a dog is 101-103). So, I called our vets, but they were out of town, so I called another vet, told him what was going on, and they suggested that I bring her in ASAP. By the time I got her there she wasn't moving on her own at all, and her temp had dropped to 97.6. Bloodwork and x-rays showed that she was bleeding internally, that her lungs were filling up with fluid, and her heart was being crushed. There was nothing that they could do for her, so we had to put her to sleep. I was so angry that we had addressed this issue with our vet 4 days before then, and they basically dismissed us. Clark was devistated to say the least as Bella was a Daddy's Girl. We had her cremated, and she sits on the mantle now with her sister Snickers. Duke, the "puppy" that we got back, ended up getting one of our foster dogs pregnant in April, and shortly after that she bit the guy who came out to install our satalite internet (LOL didn't work though, we are to rural for rural sat. internet... go figure!!) so I had to put her in quarentine, well in order to get her out I had to adopt her. Well, the Thursday after we put Bella to sleep, Kent decided to pick a fist fight with Clark, and Duke got upset and bit Kent on the side of his chest. It wasn't that bad, but it really could have been worse if Duke hadn't gotten the back of Kent's wheelchair when he bit him. So the next day we had to have him put down because as much as we loved him that is something I just can't allow. We got up Saturday, and were doing yardwork when I noticed that my S (my female mini doxie) wasn't looking right, and when she pooped, there was nothing but blood... so, I rush her to the ER vet, and he had Hemoragic Gastro Enteritis, so she had to stay with them for 4 days!! Poor baby was so sick, and of course mommy went up everyday to visit her!!! She is fine now and doing great. Fast forward to my birthday, and after a long night of being in labor H had 8 of the cutest little puppies!! 6 girls and 2 boys!! What a great birthday present for me!!! She had trouble nursing all of them because she was just a little peanut, so at 2 weeks we had to start bottle feeding them. Well last monday the 14th, the last one found her new home. We had to take H back tot he SPCA because the Saturday before she bit the neighbors grandson, that was the 4th time, so Clark said I had to take her back since she couldn't stop biting, and that was something we couldn't have with all the kids that are in and out of the house. We also decided to take F back because no matter what we did we couldn't get her to come around and not be so anitsocial. It was heartbreaking for me, but we worked so hard with both of them and just couldn't get any further, so it was time to let go. We ended up getting another rescue on Wenesday form a lady that Clark works with. She is a rottie girl, and her mommy had neighbors that loved to call animal control on her for no reason. So, last Saturday the cops told her to either find the dog a new home, put her down, or face charges if they were called again. Well, needless to say Clark is known at work as the softie for rotties, so we ended up with her Wenesday night. She is a lover, but is VERY NEEDY, has no manners, and hadn't been to a vet in years. So Thursday was vet day, and he said she looked pretty good for not having the proper care. She has a little bit of an issue with her left hip, a heart murmur, and is overweight, but generally healthy. So, she got shots, and I got told that she needs to lose a few pounds, but we think that since she got little to no exercise at her old house, that just being out here in the country and having other dogs to play with that she should lose it w/o needing to be worked out to much. She seems to be adjusting well, and the other dogs like her, so I hope it will continue to go as smoothly as it has been.
Well, I am gonna stop for the night, the T-3 is kicking in and I am getting tired but, I will finish this saga tomorrow.... man it feels good to do this again!!!
Well it has been a long 2 weeks and change since I last wrote, and things haven't gotten any better with my attitude. Things here have been busy, but that isn't my excuse for not writing... it has all been me, depressed, pathetic, jealous, envyous me. I have gotten selfish. I don't want to be happy everyday anymore. I want to scream and cry to my hearts content, and not have the disaproving glare of Clark upon me when I do it. I want to rant about how unfair life is, and not have him think that it has to do with him... it doesn't. It has to do with me... all of it. Why can't I just suck it up and accept the fact that I don't have a baby, can't have a baby, and probably will never have a baby?? Because I have a UTERUS & OVARIES that's why!! I have had a few moments of lucidity where I can clearly accept not being a mom, thinking of all the freedom we will have in 5 years when Kent is gone to college, how much I LOVE my sleep, how I can just get in the car and go w/o thinking twice about it..... and then just a quickly as it hit me it hauls ass back to my depths, and my mind starts playing that game with me again. Hell, at this point I have even told myself more then once that maybe "someone" know I will be a bad mother, and that is why it has been withheld. I don't know anymore, and I don't really care.
There were 2 births in my close, but small, circle of friends this week, and another a little over 2 weeks ago. I have known these women for years, since before they had children, and it has been driving me insane that I am so damn jealous of the 3 of them. I cry all the time, esp. at night when I crawl into bed, and know that I won't NEED to up until 6 am to make sure Kent is up and out the door on time. I cry because I know that I may get up in the night, but it will be because one of the dogs is whining to go out and it is my turn to roll my butt out of bed, warm up my coffee, have a few sips, smoke a cigarette, and crawl back into bed praying that I can go right back to sleep so that my mind won't have time to contemplate the sad state of itself. I have no idea why I do this to myself... loathing I suppose. That has to be it. I almost have to be unhappy in order to feel normal. I don't want to be unhappy all the time, I get tired of it, I really do. I just wish that I could be better at accepting my obvious fate... childless. It is actually funny to me somedays, like a cruel twist of fate, I am raising another womans child, and doing a great job... do you see the irony in it?? I "fixed" him, and helped him, but I am helpless and unable to fix myself. Sad really isn't it?? Christ this is reading like a suicide letter or something. Not that I would do that, but I tell you it has been that hopeless in my soul the last few days.......
Hate, Discontent, Depression, Sadness, Failure... These are the things that my heart is feeling and has been since last Wendsday... It has been that long since I have been willing to sign on to my journal and face myself in writing.
1. I quit my Job... Just walked away, I cannot do a nursing home, it is so sad and depressing there... 2 nights was all it took, and I was ready for sunshine again. The 11-7 shift is not compatable with my body anymore not to mention the fact that I cannot understand the reasoning for having to wake up a bunch of elderly people 3-4 times a night to give them juice, and I just didn't feel like they were getting the care that I wanted to give them. I just can't do it, and now I feel like a LOSER. I couldn't do it. Story of my life. Inability to maintain. I feel horrible, I let myself down one more time.
2. I am still sitting here waiting for word from DSS about my cert. letter to the director... something tells me they don't care, and I am going to have to take this to a whole new legal level. My thought though is that it won't be worth it, and it won't change anything anyway. On that very same note, I got an email from a social worker on Monday about a sibling group that we had inquired about back in November who were just TPR'd. In my stupid heartfelt haste I responded before I even thought about it "yes we would LOVE to be included in the family search to adopt them." Then I remembered I can't. I can't, because I am no longer a foster parent, I have lost my identity, an important part of my being has been snatched from me for no plausable reason. I want more then anything on the planet to grow this family, and it seems like everytime I am presented with a chance to do that, I have my legs pulled out from under me, and it is breaking my heart and soul. If DSS thinks I am such an amazing foster mom, then why did they do this to me?? My pain is more and more becoming an internal one because I don't want Clark to see how totally wrecked I am about this whole thing... he can't understand why I am so devistated. He doesn't feel it like I do. He cannot understand why I have let these people hurt me with their words of rejection. It isn't that I don't want to get over this and move on, because I do, but they have broken something deep in me that I cannot touch right now, so I can't even begin to fix it. The whole thing has become a strike in my psyche that may never heal. I am not good enough.
3. My MIL and I sort of had words this past weekend because for the 3rd time in as many months she has commented to me that Clark and I do not need to have children... I finally lost it with her and asked her WHY she keeps saying that to me... she said it only made sense to her that since Kent would be 18 in 4 years that we wouldn't want to saddle ourselves with babies when we are already so late in the game with him. @@ So I told her that I don't see it that way, but then I internalized it this way... 1. She must think I am or will be a terrible mother who would be unable to handle a newborn, or 2. She is scared that it will pass on my BiPolar to HER grandchild. I think it all rolls together with her, and I don't know why she can't just keep her comments to herself. She hurts me, and she HAS got to know that. There has never been to much between us, and it has been years that she has had a coldness towards me. I don't think that she will EVER fully acknowledge Kent as her grandson either, and that saddens me to for him. That kid has been part of US for 6 years, and that is how it is going to stay he is OUR SON, and she needs to get over whatever is in her heart that keeps her from accepting him. I asked her again when they were going to come out this summer, and she has started to waffle... she has things that have to be done before she can solidify their plans.... I am taking that as they won't be coming. No matter I guess, I would rather not subject my son to her coldness anyway. I don't understand it, and I guess I won't.
4. I got confirmation yesterday from the RE that I am the only one with a problem.... Clark's boys are all fine, and within normal limits. Not that I wanted anything to be wrong with him, but the IF label is once again thrust fully on my shoulders... I am the BROKEN one, just me, and me alone. My body is the only one betraying us. Betraying Me. I Hate this, it is the most horrible feeling I have ever felt. My own body is the reason I am not able to have a child, and that makes me hate myself. I am so tired of feeling like there is hope at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel is my soul, and I cannot see any light down deep in there. I used to be optimistic, but now I am just bitter and depressed. I look in the mirror every morning and try to grasp what it is that my body needs to get in gear, and I know that there needs to be a heart that believes in an end, and I know that right now my heart doesn't have that. All I feel when I look in that mirror is anger. It actually borders on Hate to be totally honest. I don't see a beautiful woman with so much to offer her children, I see a 32 year old woman who has a body that refuses to give her the one thing that she NEEDS, WANTS and DESIRES more then the breaths that she takes everyday. A body that seems not to care what it's heart and soul wants, just that it refuses to work. Or, has it colluded with my deep inner brain, and they together without including the other two parts(Heart & Soul) come to the realization that I cannot handle pregnancy, a new born, and daily life without crashing mentally?? If they did then why in the hell didn't they tell me?? I mean let the heart and soul know what the body and brain are up to for crying out loud!! Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Not in the stars. Not my cup of Tea. God, if that is the case will someone let me know... because it is draining the life out of me!! I am so depressed right now, and have been for over a week now. Maybe it is PMS, maybe the meds are cutting out a little, maybe it is because I haven't been to the therapist in 3 weeks. Maybe it is just that somewhere deep, deep down inside I am coming to the realization that I will not ever feel the kicks, hickups, bumps, and pain of pregnancy, and then the ensuing love of a child that Clark and I have created with our love for each other. I will never see that little heart beating safely nestled in my womb, growing bigger everyday, letting me believe in myself again, letting my soul heal from all the years of heartbreak, maybe letting me give this world something of US that will be so beautiful that everyone will love it. I don't feel it, I don't have the faith anywhere in me that I will ever get this one thing, and my heart hurts so deeply with this knowledge that I can't find happiness even in Spring the way that I used to... Spring is just one more way the world lets me know that I AM BROKEN, that I cannot offer my renewal to the Earth. I just want this to all be over with is that so much to ask?? Something has to give or I am going to break.
I HATE MY OVARIES!!!!!
Well, the rest of Thursday was interesting... I went to the psych... we are on every 8 week visits now since I have adjusted to my meds so well... After I left there I went to SAMS Club to get my new card... remember how I made the comment last week about what I think about BIG women and their lack of clothing?? Well, there was one going in the door in front of me at SAMS who was prolly close to 450lbs, and yeah it was a warm sunny dayBUT.... she had on a tank top/bra thingie, and SHORT, SHORT, SHORT, Shorts... So short they were lost in her Butt Crack!! It was SICK. I know what color her undies were those poor shorts were stretched so tight... Her friend wasn't far off either.... what the hell posses these women to dress like that??? It just makes me ill to see stuff like that in public..... YUCK!!! I do not want or NEED to see that much flesh in one place, and frankly she ought to be ashamed of herself!! Hmmm....
Well, after that I got gas, went to Wally World, got socks, bra's, and white shoes for work... oh yeah and another PG test. Then I headed off to have lunch with my friend M. On the way there I had been thinking of Clark and his andrology appointment at the Clinic, and if he was done or not when my cell rings, and it was him... LOL.. He says to me, "hun I am having a hard time here talk Dirty to me please!!" @@ I just about wrecked the van I was laughing so hard... he was actually done, and on his way to lunch when he called... he said he just wanted to see if I would do it.... Ass!! LOL... That is why I love him so... he keeps me laughing!! M and I had lunch at this amazing Itailian place!! The food was soooo good!! After that it was off back to the house, and by the time I got there I was beat.....
BTW, I took the test, and it was negative of course... I am gonna wait a week, and if nothing happens then I will just get the provera filled, and start that....I HATE MY OVARIES... or did I say that already today????
Friday morning was orientation, and it took all freaking day!! I was actually beat by the time I got home just from sitting all day!! Istart on Monday night 11-7, and work M,T,W,T, and have F, Sat. off, then I have to work S, M, T, W.... They like to have you do 4 days on each unit with a mentor before they just turn you loose, which is FINE with me, as I am scared to death!! It is going to be a lot different then doing home health!!! Of course as soon as we get home Clark breaks out the mowers, and off we go to do yard work!! Ugh, I love him, but I HATE being rushed to do something!! Esp. when all I want to do is SLEEP!!! So anyway we went to bed pretty early, and were up half the night because a HUGE storm came through, and the thunder was so loud it shook the house for over 2 hours... needless to say the dogs were all trying to get in bed with us the whole time!! But this AM the sun was up, and the clouds were gone!!! We are gonna be pretty busy for the rest of the weekend, so, hard to tell if I will get back to this before Monday.... oh yeah......
I HATE MY OVARIES!!!
Well, my drug test, fingerprints, and shoe shopping for my new job are all done!! I got a fantastic deal on shoes... but of course Clark was still pissed that I spent any money!!! He kills me, he has dropped over $400 bucks this week at the John Deere store for new parts for the old mower, but I spend $111 on shoes, and scrubs, and he freaks... I saved over $108 bucks, and that seemed to make him feel a little better, but he was still Pissy about it!! Geez men and "their" money!!! UGH.
D the new/old puppy is doing ok.. he reminds me of the old comic Marmaduke... he is big and CLUMSY!!!! Geez, but he really is a Lover!!! He has been getting into the pack just fine, and the other dogs all really seem to be adjusting to having him here. HE is very interested in the cats, and the little Doxies, so that has been a little bit of an issue. He has boundless energy, and that is a little bit of a bad thing since none of our other dogs are that hyper. eith thinks that it comes from his lack of attention in his old home, and the time he spent locked up. We will probably keep him for a few weeks and work on some stuff with him before we try to find him a new home. That may be interesting in itself!! I still cannot believe that he bit someone so badly as to have caused 68 stitches... Hmm gonna have to get the story from Animal Control....
I got the test scores yesterday from the AIG testing that Kent did a few weeks ago, and I found out that AIG doesn't stand for what I thought it did... it means Academically Intellectually Gifted... Go figure I have a kid like that living in my house!!!! Clark and I are so proud of him. This is a very big deal for him and us!! I am just hoping and praying that he will keep his grades up, and all that Jazz since we gave him back his stuff. He is still resistant to the idea of camp this summer, but I am sending off the application today, I am pretty sure that he will be accepted. This will be a good experience for him, I just have to convince him of that. I have such a hard time relating this to him as he is actually very discriminating against other handicapped people, and that drives me to a level of frustration with him that borders on anger because I cannot grasp how in the hell he can be this way. I have mentioned before that he is in denial of his disability, so the Psychologist thinks that is why he acts like that. I have tried to talk to him about it, and he doesn't think that he is wrong in anyway for his feelings. I have ordered a book on trying to get him to accept things better, and I am hoping that it will really help!!
The Old Hag is playing games with me, she still hasn't come full force, and I am getting tired of the whole thing. It is like a tease. Clark is going in for his andrology appointment today, so should be getting a call some time in the next week with the results of that. After the RE gets that, she should submit our test results to the ins. company, and we will know where we stand shortly after that. I hope that they approve us, I don't see any reason why they wouldn't to tell you the truth, but hell it is an ins. company so you never can tell with them. I am curious as to what they will find, but it will probably be totally normal, and just reinforce the fact that I am the broken one!!! :o(
I have orientation for my new job tomorrow, and I am actually getting nervous!! I have always done home health, and have never worked in a nursing home before, other then my clinicals. I am looking forward to it though, so that has helped out a lot.
My neighbor sold her house the other day, so now I will be getting new neighbors at the end of next month... I just hope they are decient, because we are actually a tight knit little group on this street. We are all going to get together on Sunday to let the kids hunt eggs, and then we are goig to BBQ, that is if the weather stays nice!! I love all of the neighbors but the ones on the end!! Oh they are so very RUDE, and DISRESPECTFUL! So, I am hoping that everything will turn out nice on Sunday!!
I talked to my adoption worker, and she told me that she got the position to run the Foster Care Unit, so I am very happy and proud of her... she is a great worker, and I KNOW she will make a difference over there. I still haven't heard from anyone up there about the certified letter that I sent to the director, and the asst. never returned my call from last week. Don't know what is going on, but they better get it together before I just go ahead and retain our attorney. I have given them more then enough time to get up with me, and now all they are doing is pissing me off!! UGH
Well, I am off to my day... have to go to an appointment, and gonna have lunch with a friend!! It is a beautiful morning already, and hopefully the day will stay that way!!!! Ta Ta For Now.....
