Happy birthday, sweet Hailey.
4 days ago
April 11, 2006
Had to add this....
Ok... I decided to add to this tonight, just because I can.... I have officially decided that I HATE Spring. It has become a bain to my existance. It stands for renewal. It stands for rebirth. It stands for birth. So, that is why I hate it... everything is new in the spring. 4 of my friends are due in May, and 2 in June, and it makes me sad. Happy for them, but sad for me. The birds are laying eggs in my bird house, and I saw 2 baby rabbits in the field this morning. Puppies, Kittens, even the plants are reproducing with thier blooms. So, I have decided that Summer will be the new favorite season from now on. I am sick of seeing all the freshness around me as of right this minute, and as sad as that makes me, could be that I am just having a bitter flash and hopefully I can get over it? Somehow I am not sure that I can. How fair is that?? I haven't figured that one out yet either!! Probably not to fair to the people in my life who love me the most, but that is how my heart feels, and tonight it is very heavy with anger. I don't think that it is desperation, but it may border on it since that finger has been pointed at me more then once just in the last week or so, but mostly I think it is anger. My ovaries are there, but they serve no purpose. My uterus must have a worn out vacancy notice permanantly attached to my cervix, barring occupants from even thinking about stopping in for a 9 month extended stay. Damn tattered signs are bad for business. Good lord I never thought I would see the day when I hated spring, but today was that day.... Pathetic I tell you, sad and irritating to say the least!! I cannot for the life of me get past the anger and resentment I have for my own body.. it lets me down all the time, and that just pisses me off. It is a control thing I know, but this is the one thing I WANT control of. I want to be that woman who "accidentally" gets knocked up, that kind of loss of control I can handle, but my body is betraying me, and it PISSES me off to no end!! I cannot understand if this is punishment for some past transgression that I have no clue that I made, the Karma thing ya know, or if this is just how I was supposed to be living this time around. A lot of people throw at me that if I had been fertile Kent might not be with us, and that bears truth I suppose, but I still don't find the fairness in it. Yeah, Yeah I know LIFE isn't Fair, but shit how much unfairness should one person have to shoulder?? I have shouldered a lot of it in my life, and usually come out of it just fine, but I can't help but thinking that this is one battle that I am NOT going to win. Maybe I should just give up, and accept that I have lost......
It Never Fails.....
Well, the old Hag showed her face a little bit today, God this sucks!!! Of course it only happened because I spent the money on a freaking test!!! Like I said yesterday, I should have know better, nothing in this part of my life is going to happen the way that it should!! Boy I tell you I had really hoped this would be it.... :o(
We had to go into town today so that Clark could meet with the DAV people about our grant for a new handicapped van for Kent, and I dropped him off and went over to the nursing home where I did my clinicals last year, applied for a job, and was hired on the spot!! I was pretty supprised to be honest, but it is just what I want 11-7, and part time. I told her that I would float to if they needed me. It isn't that we need the money, but I am going to pay for the trip that Clark and I are going to take this summer. I think that he thought I was kidding him when I told him that I was going to get a job to pay for it since he is adamant that we are going to build the porch, and not go on a trip.... So I called his bluff!!! I have orientation on Friday, and have to go get my finger prints and drug test tomorrow. It will be nice to actually feel like I am contributing again, even if it just a little bit!! I am gonna have to go get more shoes though because the dogs ate one each of the pairs that I had, so I have one green clog, and one blue clog!! LOL
After that we were off to the SPCA to get the pup back. Whe we got there we were shocked at how HUGE he was... HOLY COW!!! He is a doll. The lady who runs it said that she was so glad that we were there to take him as she didn't want to put him down.... Long story short, he is a lover, and I cannot imagine that he bit anyone!! He looks just like P, but is THIN, so we are gonna have to put some meat on those bones!! He has some behavioral issues, but with a little work he will do just fine. They didn't have him neutered like they were supposed to, so that is going to have to be done ASAP as P isn't spayed yet either. I honestly want to keep him, but I know that isn't going to happen.. maybe... I think that it is time for F and H to go back to the SPCA as I cannot seem to get anywhere with them, I am stuck, and today H walked right up to the neighbors little girl, and bit her leg... thank God she had jeans on or she would have broken the skin!! Grrrr......
My next door neighbor is selling her house and moving away, and in a way I am sad, but in another way, I am glad. She has really ditched me since she met her man, and there are to many hurt feelings to recover from. I am not the only one that she did it to, and the other person is even more hurt then I am. I take things like this hard usually, but I am just tired of people stomping on my feelings, not to mention that I knew where I stood last summer. She and I have had it out, and that is all that will be said about it from here on out, unless of course she does something mean... besides I need to make sure I get my money for the mower that I sold her!! LOL Sometimes people just don't see the truth in front of them though, and she is one of those people.
The power people never came out and marked our lines, and the phone company will be out here tomorrow to lay the new lines, so I have to get on them again in the morning. UGH They want their money on time, so why can't I get my line spray painted when I need it to be???
One spot of good news today was that Kent's new wheelchair is in, and I got him and appointment for the 28th of this month!!!!!!!!!! Thank GOD!!! Now I can get this whole DSS shitstorm behind me!!! Close our adoption here, and not have to deal with any of them for a LONG time hopefully!!! It has taken 6 months to get this damn chair, and it better be worth it!! We are gonna have to rehab the old one as a spare, since it will break down, and the other one is a rigid frame, hopefully our insurance will cover it, as I don't feel like fighting with Medicaid here for it!!
Well, I have a busy day tomorrow, and since we mowed this afternoon, and did a ton of yardwork, I am freaking beat!! Not to mention a tad bit depressed to.... So, I am gonna pop my drugs, and go to bed!!!! Crips I sound pathetic!!
We had to go into town today so that Clark could meet with the DAV people about our grant for a new handicapped van for Kent, and I dropped him off and went over to the nursing home where I did my clinicals last year, applied for a job, and was hired on the spot!! I was pretty supprised to be honest, but it is just what I want 11-7, and part time. I told her that I would float to if they needed me. It isn't that we need the money, but I am going to pay for the trip that Clark and I are going to take this summer. I think that he thought I was kidding him when I told him that I was going to get a job to pay for it since he is adamant that we are going to build the porch, and not go on a trip.... So I called his bluff!!! I have orientation on Friday, and have to go get my finger prints and drug test tomorrow. It will be nice to actually feel like I am contributing again, even if it just a little bit!! I am gonna have to go get more shoes though because the dogs ate one each of the pairs that I had, so I have one green clog, and one blue clog!! LOL
After that we were off to the SPCA to get the pup back. Whe we got there we were shocked at how HUGE he was... HOLY COW!!! He is a doll. The lady who runs it said that she was so glad that we were there to take him as she didn't want to put him down.... Long story short, he is a lover, and I cannot imagine that he bit anyone!! He looks just like P, but is THIN, so we are gonna have to put some meat on those bones!! He has some behavioral issues, but with a little work he will do just fine. They didn't have him neutered like they were supposed to, so that is going to have to be done ASAP as P isn't spayed yet either. I honestly want to keep him, but I know that isn't going to happen.. maybe... I think that it is time for F and H to go back to the SPCA as I cannot seem to get anywhere with them, I am stuck, and today H walked right up to the neighbors little girl, and bit her leg... thank God she had jeans on or she would have broken the skin!! Grrrr......
My next door neighbor is selling her house and moving away, and in a way I am sad, but in another way, I am glad. She has really ditched me since she met her man, and there are to many hurt feelings to recover from. I am not the only one that she did it to, and the other person is even more hurt then I am. I take things like this hard usually, but I am just tired of people stomping on my feelings, not to mention that I knew where I stood last summer. She and I have had it out, and that is all that will be said about it from here on out, unless of course she does something mean... besides I need to make sure I get my money for the mower that I sold her!! LOL Sometimes people just don't see the truth in front of them though, and she is one of those people.
The power people never came out and marked our lines, and the phone company will be out here tomorrow to lay the new lines, so I have to get on them again in the morning. UGH They want their money on time, so why can't I get my line spray painted when I need it to be???
One spot of good news today was that Kent's new wheelchair is in, and I got him and appointment for the 28th of this month!!!!!!!!!! Thank GOD!!! Now I can get this whole DSS shitstorm behind me!!! Close our adoption here, and not have to deal with any of them for a LONG time hopefully!!! It has taken 6 months to get this damn chair, and it better be worth it!! We are gonna have to rehab the old one as a spare, since it will break down, and the other one is a rigid frame, hopefully our insurance will cover it, as I don't feel like fighting with Medicaid here for it!!
Well, I have a busy day tomorrow, and since we mowed this afternoon, and did a ton of yardwork, I am freaking beat!! Not to mention a tad bit depressed to.... So, I am gonna pop my drugs, and go to bed!!!! Crips I sound pathetic!!
April 10, 2006
Bad, Bad Day.....
I am having a bad day… I got pissed off at the chicken I was making for dinner… Why?? You might ask… because a chickens are always fertile!! I tested today, 16 days post “ovulation”, and it was negative. Of course it was, what was I expecting?? A miracle maybe, or am I just delusional enough to think that Clark and I had gotten “it” right this month, and I could forgo the next few months of drugs and heartache?? No such luck, and it SUCKS. I have days like this when I just wish I didn’t even have ovaries or a uterus, not to mention the hormones that taunt me so severely. Why does the one thing that most people do accidentally, not accidentally happen for me?? I hate feeling like this, and I can’t stop it… no amount of psych meds can take this pain away for me, and I hate that to. I wish I could pop a pill, and not care that I will be 33 years old in just 2 months, and that I am no closer to being a “mother” then I was when I was 18. It pisses me off more then anything I guess, because my body betrays me every month, and every month I give it another try at winning me over… it never does, so I fell like I am lost in a loveless “marriage” with my body who serves as someone who has no capacity to give, no matter how well I treat it. I am stuck in a never ending cycle of begging MYSELF to work, and make a baby, and I just keep having this mute point fight every month. When will I learn that I seem to not be able or willing to give myself the one thing I want more then life, without it having to drain my soul so much?? I guess it really makes no difference this month.......
I got a call that we need to go get one of the puppies that we had adopted out, but he won't be a puppy anymore. I guess the couple split up, he kept the dog, the dog bit his new girlfriend, so they had it quarentiened, and the SPCA called her today and told her to come get him or they were gonna put him to sleep. Well she lives in TN now, and she called me crying that she didn't wat him to get put to sleep, but that she couldn't come get him, so she wanted to know if we could go get him and find him a new home!! Well, of course I will. So tomorrow our dog count will go up to 9... good lord did I say 9.. wow. Seems like it was just yesterday they adopted him... he is one of P's brothers, and all boy, so this could get interesting.
I want everyone to know that I saw The Notebook yesterday, and good grief.... I have NEVER cried like that in my life!!!!! I literally SOBBED until my heart hurt!! It was the most beautiful love story I have ever seen!!! I cried so hard that it hurt Clark's feelings. He actually started to cry because I was crying so hard, and because he was the one suggested that I watch it!! I guess it was just the best example of how I saw my grandparents loving each other!! I know alot of it was hormonal, but alot of it was because it was just an amazing story!! This November will be 10 years since my grandmother died, and there isn't a day in the last 10 years that I haven't though of her, and my grandfather, he passed almost a year to the day after my grandmother, and I know it was because he loved her sooo much that he couldn't live without her. He knew he was dying, and didn't want to get his heart fixed because he missed her so much. That is the love that I have for Clark, just that deep and pure. So maybe that is the reason I get so desperate every month..... I want that love to live on.
Well I have to go, Clark is home, and we need to talk about the porch arguement that we seem to keep having... I guess there will be no vacation for me, unless I go back to work, and earn the money myself!!! Hmmmmm and so I go.........
I got a call that we need to go get one of the puppies that we had adopted out, but he won't be a puppy anymore. I guess the couple split up, he kept the dog, the dog bit his new girlfriend, so they had it quarentiened, and the SPCA called her today and told her to come get him or they were gonna put him to sleep. Well she lives in TN now, and she called me crying that she didn't wat him to get put to sleep, but that she couldn't come get him, so she wanted to know if we could go get him and find him a new home!! Well, of course I will. So tomorrow our dog count will go up to 9... good lord did I say 9.. wow. Seems like it was just yesterday they adopted him... he is one of P's brothers, and all boy, so this could get interesting.
I want everyone to know that I saw The Notebook yesterday, and good grief.... I have NEVER cried like that in my life!!!!! I literally SOBBED until my heart hurt!! It was the most beautiful love story I have ever seen!!! I cried so hard that it hurt Clark's feelings. He actually started to cry because I was crying so hard, and because he was the one suggested that I watch it!! I guess it was just the best example of how I saw my grandparents loving each other!! I know alot of it was hormonal, but alot of it was because it was just an amazing story!! This November will be 10 years since my grandmother died, and there isn't a day in the last 10 years that I haven't though of her, and my grandfather, he passed almost a year to the day after my grandmother, and I know it was because he loved her sooo much that he couldn't live without her. He knew he was dying, and didn't want to get his heart fixed because he missed her so much. That is the love that I have for Clark, just that deep and pure. So maybe that is the reason I get so desperate every month..... I want that love to live on.
Well I have to go, Clark is home, and we need to talk about the porch arguement that we seem to keep having... I guess there will be no vacation for me, unless I go back to work, and earn the money myself!!! Hmmmmm and so I go.........
April 8, 2006
Some People.....
I have sooooo got to tell you about my night!!! We all went out to eat last night per my last entry, and since the Chinese Restaraunt is in the mall, we left there after dinner, and walked down to JCPenny's so that I could get some new jeans.... well I LOVE mens jeans, and the way they fit. So, we go over to the mens section, and I grabbed a few pairs, debated going into the fitting rooms cuz they were the Men's, but Clark told me he would watch out for me, they were in the back of the store, and there was noone around. Well when I went in there were 4 rooms, side by side with the one in the back being a big one for Handicapped people. From under the door I could see a pair of shoes, and some clothes, but there was NO noise. So, for about 20 minutes I was going back and forth trying on different styles of jeans (I am PICKY!!), and those shoes and clothes never moved. I told Clark that maybe we should say something to the store employee's just in case something was wrong. Well, when I was done (didn't get any pants UGH), I went to the closest register and told the girl what I had seen, and she called a supervisor over, we stood there while the lady went in and she knocked on the dorr... a very deep mans voice said "Just a minute" well the woman looked at me and said there are a man and a woman in there... YUP you guessed it they were in there having RELATIONS(sex)!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWW!!!!! I KNEW those weren't mens shoes, cuz they were just tiny!! I just about died laughing!!! Kent thought it was hysterical!!! I tell you the NERVE of some people!!!
Oh yeah I sooo have to go here to.... while we were eating, I saw some things that just made me ILL.... first off, I used to be overweight, and I mean FAT. I had Gastric Bypass 5 years ago, and now I am about 145 pounds.... well what in the HELL posses fat women to wear some of the crap they do??? I mean come on now!!! I NEVER, and I MEAN NEVER wore clothes that showed off my belly, were skin tight and the like when I was fat (I actually still don't), and I think that women who do that just look stupid. Clark tried to tell me that they just have really good self esteem, but I totally disagree with that, I think they are just seeking attention, and frankly that kind of attention is the kind they don't need!!! I mean it is GROSS, and not something I want to see when I am trying to eat food!!! There is nothing more unattractive then a big woman trying to fit into clothes that look like they were made to fit a 10 year old for crying out loud!!!
The other thing I saw that made me ill was 2 different women who were OBVIOUSLY VERY pregnant, and the shirts they had on were so tight I could see the babies move!! What posseses people to do shit like that??? Ok, we know your pregnant, but geez keep your fetal movements to yourself, it isn't attractive, and I found that offensive to... mind you that opinion has NOTHING to do with my infertility status, it has to do with people not being respectful of the people around them. UGH I just can't hang with crap like that!!! There are times and places where MODESTY should be the standard!!! Maybe that is why I spend so much time at home, so I don't have to see what the world has turned into with all the attention seekers running rampant!!!
After our adventures at dinner and JCPenney's, we were off to Wally World, got the things that we needed... I bought the DVD set of Narnia, because I LOVED it when we saw it a few weeks ago with Kent, so I HAD to have it!!! Clark gave Kent back his TV, stereo, books, and video games because of his report card, and I got up at 6:30 this AM to find him dressed, and ready to get his day going!! @@ Crap that kid hasn't been up that early on a weekend in MONTHS!!! I am looking forward to him spending the night away from home tonight so that Clark and I can have some ALONE time!!! Well, ok the dogs will be here still, but not the KID!! LOL
I made Clark's Andrology appointment for the 13th, so hopefully by Friday of next week, I will know where we stand with his "Boys". I am sooooo looking forward to TTC (trying to concieve) again that I just get a big grin everytime I think about it...... It has been a long road to where we are in our lives, but I am relieved in a way that we have had all this time to grow together, learn to love each other more deeply, and just spend time as a couple. I am still looking forward to the possiblity of being a "Mom", experiencing being pregnant, and all that Jazz, but I am also very aware that it might very well never happen, and that is ok to. I have already spent a lot of time grieving my infertility so I am pretty prepared for the chance that I may never have biological children, and for the most part I am ok with that. It still hurts my heart everyday that we haven't had kids, but having Kent here lessens that pain sooo much!! I just look at him everytime I think that might not be a good parent, and remember how much we have struggled with him, and how well he has done, and I know I can do it!! It will just be funny to start from "scratch" so to speak.... I have the 8-14 thing down, but younger then that is a total mystery to me!! LOL Oh well!!
I got started with the yard stuff yesterday, I had to call the utility people to come out and mark the lines, and I just KNEW the phone line was going to be all accross the front yard, and I was right, so now I have to wait until the 12th for them to come out and re-lay our phone lines... I have already called twice about them doing that in the last 3 years... when they layed it the first time instead of just going 50 feet from the box to the house these idiots ran it the whole length of the property in the front, down the driveway, around the back of the house, and then to the phone box... I don't know what that was all about because I told them then that they didn't need to do all that!!! So we should have a flat yard sometime in the next 2 weeks, and then we are gonna add the porch!! I am sooo excited for that cuz I have always wanted a house with a big porch on it!!!
Well, I guess that is all for now, I have laundry still, and other things to do outside in the back yard, cuz it is supposed to storm this afternoon, and Kent will be going to the B-day party at 3:30, and I am thinking that we should drive him to the bowling alley to save them the problem of having to do all that!!! So, off to my new day!!!
Oh yeah I sooo have to go here to.... while we were eating, I saw some things that just made me ILL.... first off, I used to be overweight, and I mean FAT. I had Gastric Bypass 5 years ago, and now I am about 145 pounds.... well what in the HELL posses fat women to wear some of the crap they do??? I mean come on now!!! I NEVER, and I MEAN NEVER wore clothes that showed off my belly, were skin tight and the like when I was fat (I actually still don't), and I think that women who do that just look stupid. Clark tried to tell me that they just have really good self esteem, but I totally disagree with that, I think they are just seeking attention, and frankly that kind of attention is the kind they don't need!!! I mean it is GROSS, and not something I want to see when I am trying to eat food!!! There is nothing more unattractive then a big woman trying to fit into clothes that look like they were made to fit a 10 year old for crying out loud!!!
The other thing I saw that made me ill was 2 different women who were OBVIOUSLY VERY pregnant, and the shirts they had on were so tight I could see the babies move!! What posseses people to do shit like that??? Ok, we know your pregnant, but geez keep your fetal movements to yourself, it isn't attractive, and I found that offensive to... mind you that opinion has NOTHING to do with my infertility status, it has to do with people not being respectful of the people around them. UGH I just can't hang with crap like that!!! There are times and places where MODESTY should be the standard!!! Maybe that is why I spend so much time at home, so I don't have to see what the world has turned into with all the attention seekers running rampant!!!
After our adventures at dinner and JCPenney's, we were off to Wally World, got the things that we needed... I bought the DVD set of Narnia, because I LOVED it when we saw it a few weeks ago with Kent, so I HAD to have it!!! Clark gave Kent back his TV, stereo, books, and video games because of his report card, and I got up at 6:30 this AM to find him dressed, and ready to get his day going!! @@ Crap that kid hasn't been up that early on a weekend in MONTHS!!! I am looking forward to him spending the night away from home tonight so that Clark and I can have some ALONE time!!! Well, ok the dogs will be here still, but not the KID!! LOL
I made Clark's Andrology appointment for the 13th, so hopefully by Friday of next week, I will know where we stand with his "Boys". I am sooooo looking forward to TTC (trying to concieve) again that I just get a big grin everytime I think about it...... It has been a long road to where we are in our lives, but I am relieved in a way that we have had all this time to grow together, learn to love each other more deeply, and just spend time as a couple. I am still looking forward to the possiblity of being a "Mom", experiencing being pregnant, and all that Jazz, but I am also very aware that it might very well never happen, and that is ok to. I have already spent a lot of time grieving my infertility so I am pretty prepared for the chance that I may never have biological children, and for the most part I am ok with that. It still hurts my heart everyday that we haven't had kids, but having Kent here lessens that pain sooo much!! I just look at him everytime I think that might not be a good parent, and remember how much we have struggled with him, and how well he has done, and I know I can do it!! It will just be funny to start from "scratch" so to speak.... I have the 8-14 thing down, but younger then that is a total mystery to me!! LOL Oh well!!
I got started with the yard stuff yesterday, I had to call the utility people to come out and mark the lines, and I just KNEW the phone line was going to be all accross the front yard, and I was right, so now I have to wait until the 12th for them to come out and re-lay our phone lines... I have already called twice about them doing that in the last 3 years... when they layed it the first time instead of just going 50 feet from the box to the house these idiots ran it the whole length of the property in the front, down the driveway, around the back of the house, and then to the phone box... I don't know what that was all about because I told them then that they didn't need to do all that!!! So we should have a flat yard sometime in the next 2 weeks, and then we are gonna add the porch!! I am sooo excited for that cuz I have always wanted a house with a big porch on it!!!
Well, I guess that is all for now, I have laundry still, and other things to do outside in the back yard, cuz it is supposed to storm this afternoon, and Kent will be going to the B-day party at 3:30, and I am thinking that we should drive him to the bowling alley to save them the problem of having to do all that!!! So, off to my new day!!!
April 7, 2006
I almost forgot....
I almost forgot to add... we took Kent to the Movies last weekend, and we saw Larry the Cable Guy Health Inspector... YOU HAVE GOT TO SEE IT!!!!! OMG it was soooo freaking funny!!!
I got the appointments made that I needed to, and Clark is going to the Lab on the 13th of April, the phone company is coming out on the 12th to re-lay and burry our lines so that we can get the front yard done!! Wooo Hooo I am getting excited about that!!!
We are off to dinner at our FAVORITE Chinese place, and then to Wally World for a few things!!
Kent brought home his report card today, and he made it back on the A-B Honor Roll!!! 'bout freaking time!!! He is going to be spending the night at a friends for a B-day party tomorrow, so Clark and I will be home all alone!! :o) Looks like it is going to be a gooooood weekend!!!
I got the appointments made that I needed to, and Clark is going to the Lab on the 13th of April, the phone company is coming out on the 12th to re-lay and burry our lines so that we can get the front yard done!! Wooo Hooo I am getting excited about that!!!
We are off to dinner at our FAVORITE Chinese place, and then to Wally World for a few things!!
Kent brought home his report card today, and he made it back on the A-B Honor Roll!!! 'bout freaking time!!! He is going to be spending the night at a friends for a B-day party tomorrow, so Clark and I will be home all alone!! :o) Looks like it is going to be a gooooood weekend!!!
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