April 29, 2009

Trying.....


I am really trying to do this thing.. you know living. Moving on.

I am having a very hard time though.

Not sure if I can do it.

Everyday I cry.

Everyday I get deeper into my nothingness.

One week after Beta, the end of Hope, and I find myself slipping into a deep depression.

So many around me are getting the one thing I begged for, and I can't find it in my heart to even begin to be happy for them.

I need to find my happy place..... Have you seen it??

12 comments:

Susan said...

I think our happy faces have gone to Vegas without us. However, I have hope that they will return, face tails between their legs and we will begin again.

Love to you, Rebel.

intricatelycomplex said...

Rebel
I cannot even comprehend what you must be going through, having never faced the final curtain call that is TTC. I think it's understandable that you feel the way you do, and even if people out there have the opposite view, it is how you feel and you should never apologise for that fact. I do hope that, while at the moment your world is grey and dismal, you will once again find the colour in it through your family and friends. My heart goes out to you at such an awful time.

momofonefornow said...

I am with you on the end of a dream. I am facing it right now. I am having the garage sale this weekend. The one where I sell every stitch of clothing and every shred of baby furniture and my heart is so, so heavy. On the outside it just looks like another garage sale but on the inside, oh on the inside.

I hope that I am wrong, but I just know that with every item I sell a little piece of me is going to die.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am mourning with you right now. I hope that one day my bean will be able to forgive my inability to give him the sibling that he most certainly deserves.

Tracey said...

End of one dream...but maybe the beginning of another....love and prayers...

Erin said...

I wish I knew where to find your happy place, but I think the answer is that it can't be found so easily when such an intense and emotional dream will not come true. I've been thinking about you and will keep doing so. Many hugs, sweetie.

Kristin said...

I am so very, very sorry my friend. Lots of {{{hugs}}}, love, and prayers coming your way.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm with Susan. Maybe you can find mine while you look for yours.

Love you, Rebel. Lots.

My Reality said...

I don't think you have to worry about not being in your happy place right now. Allow yourself time to grieve. You got two big blows at once. Take some time to take care of you.

Sandy S. said...

I've been thinking of you. I can remember a dark day in my TTC days...it will get better...nobody can tell you an exact time...we're all different but you deserve to be sad, depressed and you deserve this time to grieve. (((huge hugs)))

Sandy S. said...

And I meant to say that I think very highly of you...I have the greatest respect for anyone who puts up the TTC fight like you did. You are an amazing woman with great strength...you will get through this too.

A Decade of BFNs said...

((((((((huggs))))))))
I hope you can find a happy place. Ask turtle, maybe she knows where it is ;)

Amanda said...

HUGS... your happy place is that little miracle thats tearing your house apart w/ them big blue eyes. I'm here if you need me...