Screwed again....

by my Uterus and Ovaries!

The Hush Hush reference in my last post was about us doing an FET.

After many hours of discussions, begging, crying, and talking it out, Clark and I finally decided that we would do this one FET, transferring the best 3, and then the rest of our Totcicles will be placed for adoption.

We came to a final decision just 2 days before I was to finish the active pills in my BCP pack, so it was a rush to get the RE and the IVF nurse to order the meds and all that fun junk. I had to go in for blood work to check clotting times since I will be on Heparin for the FET, and we were good to go, or so I thought.

Tuesday I started getting worried because after 5 days off the pill... no AF. So I call, and Dr. OvaryWhisperer called me back and said come in Thursday for B/W and U/S. Everything on the U/S looked quiet, and I waited for the call to start patches. The nurse called and said no go because Dr. OvaryWhisperer needed to sign off and look at the B/W, so I would hear from them the next day. Friday evening, I get the call... No FET this month. My Estrogen and progesterone are all screwed up thanks to the BCP's, and starting meds would have been a waste of time and money. I have to spend 21 days on estrogen, and then 7 days on provera, pray like hell that I get a period so that I can start patches on July 2nd. The earliest that I can start patches for a transfer in July is the 2nd because of the lab closure from the 27th of June to the 7th of July

Now, normally I would be all sunshine and roses about waiting so that everything is just right, but putting off this FET means that I will either have to do one of a few things.....

We are scheduled to go on vacation on the 31st of July, been planned for almost 2 years, and the state I am going to doesn't have one single Labcorp in it.... So.....


1. Have the transfer sometime in the first part of July, and then not get a Beta until sometime in the middle of August.

2. If I don't get AF before the 15th of July we will have to cancel the whole thing until at least September or later, due to above mentioned vacation.

3. Pray like hell that I get AF this week, before Friday, so that I can go ahead and cycle before the lab closes, and don't have to start on the estrogen.

Not to mention the fact that if we do transfer in early July and the Beta is negative, I will be pretty upset, so it could very well ruin the vacation for me!!

I don't know what is going to happen, but I can tell you that the thought "God is tryin' to tell you something" has gone through my head more then once the last 2 days.

However, I need to go on this vacation because,

1) My grandparents are in their 80's, and have not seen the Turtle yet.

2) We need a family vacation where Clark can go to ( he always ends up staying home to care for the dogs)

3) I want to make sure that we enjoy this summer as a family.

4) I miss my mom, and she is on our "To Visit" list.

I could go on for hours, but I won't. I just got so angry with my body last night, no matter how well I treat it, it always ends up screwing me in the end, and I am soooo over it.

I know that my blog has been a lot of gloom and doom for the last little while, and I am sorry if that is turning anyone away. These are my feelings honestly from day to day, and while I hope that things will get better, I have this one hurdle to get over so that I can get on with my life in whatever form it ends up taking. This is a very hard thing for me, harder even then working towards the Turtle, because I know what it is like to have a baby in my life and I want nothing more then to experience the whole thing over again. I am even more frustrated with my body now to then I was before Turtle, because I always expected it to let me down.... Now that I know it can do it, I don't understand why it won't.

I have reverted back to pre-Turtle days in the way that I get all tight in the chest when I see a pregnant woman or a family with a newborn. Pregnancy announcement's hit me hard and deep, even when I know the women have fought hard to get those 2 lines, it doesn't matter, it isn't me getting those 2 lines. I am terribly jealous of any and all pregnant woman right now, and I know I shouldn't be, I have no right to steal their joy, but it seems so hard for me to swallow this pill that I have been handed without a fight. So, I choke, cough, bargain, and beg for the one thing that I desperately want instead of just taking a drink and letting it go down without a fight. I guess I am not much of a quitter, but I am usually pretty unhappy while I am trying to achieve my goal.... figure that one out!!

I will keep you all updated on what is up. Until then Hugs to everyone!!!

38,20,8.......

Unfortunately those are not my winning lotto numbers, those are how many weeks along I would be had any of the last 3 IVF's worked. I know it is a tad morbid to even know them, but I do. I write them in my day planner at the beginning of every month as a reminder of what could have been. I hold on to the past a lot as you can tell.

I have struggled a lot in the last week with the fact that I would be getting ready to deliver had the September IVF worked. I dreamt last night that we were on our way to the hospital with a broken water and contractions 2 minutes apart. I actually woke Clark up and told him it was time to go... he looked at me all retarded and said "What the Hell are you talking about?" It was then that I touched my stomach and realized it had all been a dream, or nightmare if you were.

The older Turtle gets the more this sibling thing is on my mind. It is amazing to watch the advances that she makes every single day. She has become such a little individual... very independent. I watch everything that she learns with total amazement and awe. At 16 months, she is doing a lot of things that she shouldn't, and a few things that she should she doesn't, but most of the time she stuns me with how smart she is.

Clark asks me at least once a week how he is doing, and my answer is always the same... amazing. She loves her daddy so much, and you can see it in her face when she sees him at the end of the day! She cuddles with him more then with me, which is ok with me, and he reads her the same book 10 times a day... he does the animal noises better then me I guess!!

Kent seems to be finally realizing that the shit has hit the fan, and that his issues are serious. He has been very on top of all of his personal care, not that it will last long. We are waiting for his appointment for the U/S, and it seems like forever and a day away, even though it is just on the 10th. He will be doing his end of the year testing all next week, and hopefully he will pass all of the tests so that he can be a junior next year. I am not to confident in that though because he has a few F's... ugh damn teenagers.

There have been a lot of things going on here in my personal relationships that I cannot discuss in detail, just that I have been accused 2 times in the last month of not being a good friend. Total bullshit, but the friend saying it is really hurting, and lashing out at me because of it. However, it is wearing on my nerves and heart because I know I am a great friend, to a fault most of the time. I don't take my friendships lightly, and I will give you the shirt off my back if you really need it, so this has really worn me down.

There are some things in the works that I will update you about in the next week or so, but for right now they have to be hush hush. Thanks again for all of the supportive comments, I couldn't get through this without them.

Appointment Update

Well, I want to first thank all of you again for the well wishes and prayers. We had the appointment this morning, and saying that I am happy with what we were told would be a lie.

It was a very noncommittal affair, and frankly I wish we hadn't gone. I am so pissed at this doctor right now that I could have slapped her and her nurse by the time I left. Her determination is that Kent MAY have a Hydrocele, not he HAS one, or he has Cancer, or anything that I can "take to the Bank", just that she THINKS he may have a Hydrocele. I mean come the hell on, you have been at this for almost 20 years, and you can't give me an answer that can relieve my brains worry center??

We didn't get the ultrasound that we were told we would be having, instead she scheduled it for June 10th with a followup with her right after. I actually just sat in the office stunned that she wasn't worried one little bit that his right testicle was the size of an almond, and that the left one was the size of a peach, or that all together his testicular sack was the size of a grapefruit.

Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME HERE?? You want me to wait 3 more weeks before you tell me what is wrong with my son??

He will be having surgery at some point though, she would tell me that much. Either to fix what is wrong, or to get a better look at what is going on.

Oh and get this, she actually chided me for being so hard on him about his lack of personal care and attention to his body?? WTF?? I am so sick of his team of doctor's coddling him because he is in a wheelchair. I mean I am trying to raise him to be a man, not a little boy who lives at home so mommy and daddy can take care of him for the rest of his life.

I have to be frank here when I tell you that a lot of Kent's issues are things that if he chose to take better care of himself would not be issues.... Like not taking his blood preassure meds, thyroid meds, or antibiotics for almost 2 weeks. Until I literally threatened to hold him down and shove them down his throat. Without these drugs, he could drop dead.

I have run into this problem over and over with his docs and other people... they look at him and they see this poor kid in a wheelchair, not the inteligent capable young man I know he is. All they see is that fucking chair, and it drives me insane. When people pity him it just feeds into his "woe-is-me" attitude, and makes things so much harder on all of us.

I out right asked him last night how long his testicle had been swollen like this, and he told me he didn't know, maybe like 6 weeks, but he didn't think it was a big deal. He really had no concept of the seriousness of the situation, or just didn't care.

I love this child/young man, and I told him last night after a long discussion in which he told me that he was tired of living his life like this, and how he didn't care what happened to him because it wasn't fair that all his siblings and friends got to be normal, that if he wanted to off himself by way of self neglect, then he better find somewhere else to do it because it wasn't happening in my house.

I am sure that a lot of you can't understand what I am going on about, but it has been so long in coming that I just needed to get this all out of my system. I need this space right now to vent all of the months of pent up frusteration that I have had with him, that I kept to myself. I literally feel like I am fighting a loosing battle here, and I can't seem to get anyone, including him, to take me seriously. All I do know is that I refuse to bury my son because he decided that he doesn't give a shit, and the doctors just refuse to see it coming.

On a different note.... Turtle had a bad day today, and was so overtired by bedtime, that I actually got to sit in the dark and sing my sweet, apple hair detangler scented, exausted little girl to sleep after a 45 minute temper tantrum. As much as the temper tantrum worked my nerves, the fact that she cuddled into my neck, and fell almost instantly asleep when I started singing "Rainbow Connection" to her, made the day just seem all better. God how I love that girl with all my heart.

Thanks so much...

We have an appointment on Wednesday morning to see the Urologist for testing.

Thanks so very much to everyone who left comments and emailed me, I will let you know what I find out as soon as I can.

Wish us luck.

Prayers Needed

For Kent.....

We went to the Nepherologist today for a check up, and as she was looking him over she noticed that his testicles were very swollen. When she palpated them, she felt two masses that are not supposed to be there. She called his Urologist right away, and they are working on scheduling an MRI and an ultrasound for next week. With his cancer history, this could be very bad for him. I am scared that I missed this, but hey, I don't inspect his body all the time, and he thought it was normal for them to be that big. Poor kid is scared out of his mind right now, and it sucks that I can't do anything to take that away.

Could the Universe throw anything else at me??

Oh hell who am I kidding, that is probably an invitation for more shit to head my way!!!

I will let you know when we are to go in...

FET Update

So, we got an email back from the RE, and talked about things... it was looking like a FET #1 was a go until this morning when I got the email from the business office... needless to say, the price is not what I had expected, much, much higher actually. It has really put a hold on things... probably permanatly.

I still owe them for my last 2 IVF cycle's, over 5 grand.

I don't know where to go from here. I really thought things were finally back on track again. Fuck.

Holding Pattern.....

Sorry to have left you all out in the cold for so long. I needed to recoup and things have been busy here. I went back to work on the 23rd of April, and even though the actual hours aren't that long, the drive is almost an hour each way. It makes the day go by so fast, but makes it long just the same. Turtle has been doing just great at the babysitters, and actually seems to enjoy going most days... the nights when we get home are another thing though, as she latches on to my pant legs, or legs, and holds on for dear life. To say this isn't frustrating would be a lie, and I have found myself close to losing my temper a few times. I feel like an ass afterwards, because I know it is just that she missed me, and wants to be close. Of course you can't break it down for her that I had a long day, and still need to make dinner and clean... she is to little to grasp that. My brain tells me that, but my patience center disagrees... A LOT!!

Damn...........

Needless to say, I started this post early this AM, and here I sit @ 10 PM finishing it. Kent is having some health issues, and those needed to be dealt with today. We think he is going to be OK, but we have an appointment with his Kidney doc on Friday to see what is what, and if this will be bad news or not.

I wrote a long letter to the RE about the FET issue, and I am waiting to hear back from her. I asked a lot of questions, and I am sure it will take her some time to get the info and get back to me.

I am sorry that I got off track and now I can't finish what I was saying this morning, but I promise I will work on it and let you know.

Crossroads.....

For the first time in a long time I have been really analyzing my soul. The true core of me, all that lies within. I have found that I am not as sure about myself as I thought I was. With the ending of this last cycle I was devastated beyond belief, and I fell apart. I am still struggling with a few issues, that I think will stay with me for a long time. I really wanted this cycle to work on one hand, but on the other I knew deep in my heart it was going to fail. I am not sure why I thought this, but if I had to guess I think it is because I truly feel as though my quota of happiness has been filled with all the blessings I already have. Clark, Kent and Turtle are all amazing people that I get to share my life with everyday, and I let my greed for more of the same consume me. I have "talked" to myself about what I really want with another child, and more often then not it was mostly to prove that I could do it again, have a baby that is. Not that I wouldn't love another child, but I worry very much that my thought process about having another child was selfish. I have a constant need to prove myself, I have since I was very young when it became apparent to me that my father had not wanted a girl as his first born child, or period. I knew I could never live up to my brothers in his eyes, so I did everything I could to please him. I still don't think I can. Nothing like having to live up to two people who were born more loved then you because of a different chromosome.

Dr. OvaryWhisperer called me Thursday for our follow up appointment, because I cannot make it into the office to see her personally. She said she was very sad that after all we did and tried this cycle failed. She knows I am in a place of resignation. She told me not to walk away from the frozen embryo's that we have without giving her one last chance. I told her that I honestly wasn't sure that I had it in me to fight the IF war anymore, and that I am very angry with my uterus and body right now, so that would be something I would have to really think hard about. She told me that they have one final trick they want to try and if that didn't work then she would let me go. I told her that Clark and I would talk and I would let her know. We talked about it that day, that night, and last night. Clark said to me, "You know in your heart what you want to do, so why are we even talking??" Why? Because I seem to be able to kill embryo's better then I can make them live that is why, and I need to feel like I am not alone in this. He is done, but I know that he will do whatever I ask him to because he loves me.

The last 48 hours have been hard on me mentally and emotionally. I have fought the Pro/Con fight, and I still cannot settle on any Pro's, but the list of Con's is longer then my arm. I am worried how I will take the bad ending of another cycle, this one was just so hard, it really damaged my heart. I worry about how this is taking away from Turtle, and if it will have a lasting effect on her. I worry that if I push the issue with Clark it may hurt us as couple. I worry about my body, I am not a spring chicken anymore, and all of this is taking a toll. There are so many more that I can't list them all. The only Pro I have is that I MAY get pregnant, and I MAY end up with a baby at the end, and since it isn't a deffinate, then it really dosen't count as a Pro.

So that is what mean in my title, I am at a crossroads. Do I risk the FET, or do I just walk away while I can?? I told Dr. OvaryWhisperer before I hung up, in my most sarcastic tone, "Thanks for letting that Bitch Hope back in the door."