9dp3dt...

I tested this morning and it was negative. There could still be some hope, but I am not counting on it. I will keep testing til Beta on Thursday, but honestly I am not expecting anything to change. I am completely at a loss for words or anything right now.

I have been in a very bad place since the night before transfer, and I am finally able to come clean about why.

A few years ago my MIL did something that really pissed me off, and hurt me deeply having to do with a NieceD pregnancy announcement, just when we had started our first IVF. Well, the Friday night before our transfer, I called to tell her Happy Easter, and Happy Birthday as they were both coming up in the next few days, and I didn't want to forget. She asked me how things were, and I told her about our cycle, how we had switched things up in hopes of making a difference this time around. After the conversation ended on my part, she asked me if I wanted to hear her news. I said sure, totally thinking it had something to do with Clark's Gma, who lives with them, when she blurts out this shit.....

"Well, you know NieceD and her hubby, S, are getting divorced right??"

"No, I didn't know that. I knew they had separated because of the Child Molestation charges (long story), but I had no idea they were getting divorced."

"Well, yeah they are getting divorced, and she just called me yesterday and told me that she is pregnant."

"Oh wow, is it S's baby??"

"Nope, some guy she just met"

"Wow, is she going to keep it?"

"Of course why wouldn't she?"

"Well, I am not saying that she shouldn't, I just didn't know."

"Yeah well I have to run I have stuff to do. Talk to you later."

Now this is the same niece that was pregnant the last time she did this, and in just the same kind of hurtful way. First off, I don't care who gets pregnant, but come the fuck on, you have 2 kids under 5, you are getting divorced from your spouse, and you go get pregnant by some man you hardly know.

Internets, PLEASE FUCKING explain to me why I should be HAPPY for her, because I am at a loss with this one completely.

Needless to say this has been on my mind all the time since she told me, and I can't get it off my brain to save my life... now it looks as though our last attempt has failed, and I am just spiraling down here. If I hear good news on Thursday I will let you know, but as of right now I need to step away from IF altogether. I just need to clear my head and my heart for what lays ahead.

Love you all... Rebel