April 23, 2009

Game Over....

I have read other bloggers posts about the end of treatments without success, and I honestly never thought I was going to be writing one of my own. Oh sure you say I am successful, I have the Turtle, but that to me is not total success, because I didn't reach my ultimate goal. I never thought that my journey would end this way, just as I am sure the others who came to this point didn't either. It is heartbreaking to say the least. I have no more chances, nothing else in the pot to try. It is Game Over.


I watch Turtle a lot, and yes I do feel lucky, but it kills me to know that when we are gone, she will be all alone. No siblings to share her life with. That is what is making this so very hard for me. I know that one day she will ask for the one thing I cannot give her... a little brother or sister. Not because I don't want to or because I didn't try hard enough, but because my up body wouldn't let me.

I look at her, and I see a miracle in more ways then one. She really shouldn't be here, and I don't know why she is, but I am overjoyed to have her.

On the other hand I mourn the 7 embryo's that my body wouldn't let live and thrive. I feel pain so very deep in my heart for them. I failed them. That makes me feel like a terrible mother, and person. I will never get the chance to see them grow on an ultrasound, find out their sexes, or give birth to them. I will never count those 10 little fingers and 10 little toes right after birth... just to be sure. There will be no firsts for them, or for me to watch. All I have of those 7 little lives is the memory and a picture or two of them as a group of cells before my body killed them.

I don't understand why or what is going on, and I have no plans to delve that deep for fear that I may see something staring back at me that I cannot deal with. All I know is the gut wrenching pain that I feel for what could have been is so deep that I swear I can almost feel my heart shattering.

For some reason my body was only willing to work with me one time, and now it is time to suck it up and move on with what I can only hope will be a wonderful life with my little girl. My Miracle. My whole world. I love that little girl more today then I ever thought possible!! She will be the only one to carry all of Clark and I into the world with her from here on out, my little Turtle. I love you sweet baby girl.

29 comments:

My Reality said...

I don't quite know what to say. Just know I am thinking of you. A whole lot.

Tracey said...

So sorry....and you may hate me for this but....think about adoption....I know the feelings of not being able to conceive....went through it for over 6 years....but really....once you work through the feelings and now that I have Samuel...it makes no difference that he did not come from my body...GOD BLESS!

Kahla said...

There is nothing I can say and I know that, but what you to know that my heart aches for you. Out of our first four IVFs we transferred 13 embies and I have Chase and three angels. I always felt so sad that my other 12 never got a chance. Not that I wanted 12 more kids, but you know what I mean. I'm thinking of you and pray that peace finds you soon.

Joey's Mama said...

((((( ))))))I'm so sorry Rebel. I have been there and it sucks. I don't thnk there are any other words to describe it. Have you ruled out a frozen transfer? Give Turtle a kiss from me.

Jason and Samantha said...

I'm so sorry.

There is nothing I can say, but I'm thinking of you.

A Decade of BFNs said...

My dear, I am so sorry. Nothing I can say can make it better.

(((((((((((huggs)))))))) lots and lots of them

DD said...

I'm sorry, truly.

Turtle is indeed your sweet miracle, but you have Kent, too and those two will come to depend on each other as much as, if not more than, they depend on you. In that you will see that their combined strength will be there for you and Clark, no matter what.

For now? Yes, the pain can feel unbearable, and I can only hope that the days to healing quickly come.

Deirdre said...

Hi. I have been following your blog for a while. I truly feel your pain. I have been through something similar and had hoped that this would be your time. You are in my prayers.

momofonefornow said...

My heart is broken for you. This sucks so bad!

poison ivy said...

(((big hugs)))
I am here for you... will call soon. p.s. I learned how to text...
p.s.s.
I will always be there to frantically pick up and put back together your shattered heart while trying to make you smile and ease your pain...

Tutu said...

I am so sorry! I can't say that I know what you're going through. My struggles were with infertility were minor compared to yours. But I did have two miscarriages, and I think what you're feeling now is what I felt then. This is NOT your fault. I know you know that deep down. There are still days I feel that way about my losses...that my body let me down and let them die. There's nothing to say at this point, but know that I'll be thinking about you ((((Hugs))))
~Susan

Sandy S. said...

Thinking about you. I know this hurts. (((hugs)))

Hopeful Mother said...

Hugs, Rebel.

Jill said...

I don't have any words of wisdom, just lots of hugs.

itsazooaroundhere said...

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. (((hugs)))

Erin said...

I've been thinking of you and hoping that I would see different news when I logged on today, and I'm so terribly sad for you that the news was that it's over. I am very, very glad that you have Turtle. I wish that you and Clark were able to conceive again, because I know that's what you wanted. This is not your fault, though. You did nothing wrong. Give yourself time to grieve and know that we're all here for you.

Paige said...

I'm so sorry :( I wish there was something I could say or do. If I knew you in real life I'd bring over ben and jerry's and a good chick flick like Girls Just Want to Have Fun. It wouldn't help but at least I'd be there to deliver this: ((hug))

serenity said...

I'm so sorry. Love and hugs and good thoughts to you.

xxx

Kibbles said...

Rebel.. I'm so sorry.
Wish it could have turned out differently.
It really sucks.
Major Hugs

Susan said...

Well, hell. I was holding my breath while I waited for the page to load. I'm so very sorry. I've been exactly where you are: had one then IVF failed us. And the way you described feeling like a failure - you said exactly how I felt!

We eventually adopted two so our "original" has siblings that we can't imagine life without. The answer to the question some people are brave enough to ask: yes, I completely love them as if I birthed them. It's like the difference between a vaginal birth and a caesarean. No one thinks about how they got here.

Consider yourself hugged and cry on my shoulder anytime. These are lonely, difficult days. I'm thinking of you, Rebel.

Aunt Becky said...

*hugs*

Barefoot said...

I am so sorry.

Samantha said...

I'm so sorry you've reached this point. I wish it had worked for you. Your body didn't fail you, it's just the unfortunate reality that most IF treatment doesn't work. You are still a wonderful mom and have a wonderful future with Turtle, Clark, and Kent.

Dora said...

So sorry, hon. I was so hoping this would be the one for you. Big hug!

Just Me. said...

Read this post over and over again and my heart sank over and over again.

(((hugs))) *not letting go, hun*

Lorraine said...

This time, when I say I know how you feel, I really do. It's hard to feel failure and gratitude at the same time, but it's not impossible. My daughter asks "Aren't I enough?" and I know in my heart that she is enough for me, for now. But I wanted a sibling for her, for later.

Take heart in the fact that family is what we make it. And know that your experience as a mother will be forever colored by this - and that no matter how painful it seems now, it will make you a better parent in the end.

Lots of good wishes for you and your Turtle, too.

Kristin said...

Lots of {{{hugs}}} my friend. I am so sorry it came to this.

Michele said...

You are not a bad mother. You loved your 7 babies with all your heart, just as you love Turtle with all your heart. That makes you a great mother.

I second Tracey; I'm adopted and, once we can afford it, we cant wait to add to our family that way. It is something to think about, when you feel ready to try again...

Sending you big hugs. I cant imagine how hard this is for you.

MDZ said...

Rebel, I'm so so sorry to read your bad news today. I've actually spent the last 2 weeks going back and reading your blog from 2005 and feel like I know you! I didn't want to read your most recent posts until I had gotten through all of your old ones and I am saddened to see that all of that effort didn't pay off for a second biological child. My single IVF experience wasn't nearly as dreadful as what you've been through. And in the IVF world, I have been extremely lucky and I am thankful for that. But I watched my sister go through multiple failed IUIs and multiple failed IVFs just to have twins by using an egg donor and surrogate and so I do understand the heartache. I am so thankful to have my 6 week old son Ian, bit I ALREADY feel the desire to do it all again and try to have a second child. I will be 35 years old in 1 month and I completely understand the need and desire you had to try to have a sibling for Turtle. That's where I will be soon. I wish you all the best.