I have read other bloggers posts about the end of treatments without success, and I honestly never thought I was going to be writing one of my own. Oh sure you say I am successful, I have the Turtle, but that to me is not total success, because I didn't reach my ultimate goal. I never thought that my journey would end this way, just as I am sure the others who came to this point didn't either. It is heartbreaking to say the least. I have no more chances, nothing else in the pot to try. It is Game Over.
I watch Turtle a lot, and yes I do feel lucky, but it kills me to know that when we are gone, she will be all alone. No siblings to share her life with. That is what is making this so very hard for me. I know that one day she will ask for the one thing I cannot give her... a little brother or sister. Not because I don't want to or because I didn't try hard enough, but because my up body wouldn't let me.
I look at her, and I see a miracle in more ways then one. She really shouldn't be here, and I don't know why she is, but I am overjoyed to have her.
On the other hand I mourn the 7 embryo's that my body wouldn't let live and thrive. I feel pain so very deep in my heart for them. I failed them. That makes me feel like a terrible mother, and person. I will never get the chance to see them grow on an ultrasound, find out their sexes, or give birth to them. I will never count those 10 little fingers and 10 little toes right after birth... just to be sure. There will be no firsts for them, or for me to watch. All I have of those 7 little lives is the memory and a picture or two of them as a group of cells before my body killed them.
I don't understand why or what is going on, and I have no plans to delve that deep for fear that I may see something staring back at me that I cannot deal with. All I know is the gut wrenching pain that I feel for what could have been is so deep that I swear I can almost feel my heart shattering.
For some reason my body was only willing to work with me one time, and now it is time to suck it up and move on with what I can only hope will be a wonderful life with my little girl. My Miracle. My whole world. I love that little girl more today then I ever thought possible!! She will be the only one to carry all of Clark and I into the world with her from here on out, my little Turtle. I love you sweet baby girl.
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