Trying.....

I am really trying to do this thing.. you know living. Moving on.

I am having a very hard time though.

Not sure if I can do it.

Everyday I cry.

Everyday I get deeper into my nothingness.

One week after Beta, the end of Hope, and I find myself slipping into a deep depression.

So many around me are getting the one thing I begged for, and I can't find it in my heart to even begin to be happy for them.

I need to find my happy place..... Have you seen it??

R.I.P Lenita

Thursday was a shitty day in more ways then one for me. As I was sitting in the lab waiting to get my Beta, my cell rang. I didn't recognize the number but I answered it anyway. A man answered and said his name. Then his last name, and all at once I knew why he was calling and my heart sank. Tears fell, and I begged him not to tell me what I knew in my heart was true. My friend was gone. She had died on the 13th of March and he had been going through her cell phone getting ready to shut it off when he saw my number. He said he hadn't meant to take so long calling me, but things had been hard on him and the kids. 38 years, a husband and 3 Beautiful kids. My friend, who knew my heart so deeply. I will never hear her sweet voice again, or get a big hug from her letting me know things are going to be alright. Always so positive no matter what was going on. I knew she was in pain most of the time, but she never let you see it. She was sick in the end, no one knew what was wrong with her, and one of the last conversations that we had, she told me her biggest fear was leaving her kids without a Mother. I know she is in a better place, but I will forever miss her in this place. Goodbye sweetie, I love you!!

Game Over....

I have read other bloggers posts about the end of treatments without success, and I honestly never thought I was going to be writing one of my own. Oh sure you say I am successful, I have the Turtle, but that to me is not total success, because I didn't reach my ultimate goal. I never thought that my journey would end this way, just as I am sure the others who came to this point didn't either. It is heartbreaking to say the least. I have no more chances, nothing else in the pot to try. It is Game Over.


I watch Turtle a lot, and yes I do feel lucky, but it kills me to know that when we are gone, she will be all alone. No siblings to share her life with. That is what is making this so very hard for me. I know that one day she will ask for the one thing I cannot give her... a little brother or sister. Not because I don't want to or because I didn't try hard enough, but because my up body wouldn't let me.

I look at her, and I see a miracle in more ways then one. She really shouldn't be here, and I don't know why she is, but I am overjoyed to have her.

On the other hand I mourn the 7 embryo's that my body wouldn't let live and thrive. I feel pain so very deep in my heart for them. I failed them. That makes me feel like a terrible mother, and person. I will never get the chance to see them grow on an ultrasound, find out their sexes, or give birth to them. I will never count those 10 little fingers and 10 little toes right after birth... just to be sure. There will be no firsts for them, or for me to watch. All I have of those 7 little lives is the memory and a picture or two of them as a group of cells before my body killed them.

I don't understand why or what is going on, and I have no plans to delve that deep for fear that I may see something staring back at me that I cannot deal with. All I know is the gut wrenching pain that I feel for what could have been is so deep that I swear I can almost feel my heart shattering.

For some reason my body was only willing to work with me one time, and now it is time to suck it up and move on with what I can only hope will be a wonderful life with my little girl. My Miracle. My whole world. I love that little girl more today then I ever thought possible!! She will be the only one to carry all of Clark and I into the world with her from here on out, my little Turtle. I love you sweet baby girl.

11dp3dt

Still stark white glaring back at me. I have no wit right now. Beta in the morning. I will wait for the phone call that will come while I am at work, to break my heart forever, tomorrow afternoon.

9dp3dt...

I tested this morning and it was negative. There could still be some hope, but I am not counting on it. I will keep testing til Beta on Thursday, but honestly I am not expecting anything to change. I am completely at a loss for words or anything right now.

I have been in a very bad place since the night before transfer, and I am finally able to come clean about why.

A few years ago my MIL did something that really pissed me off, and hurt me deeply having to do with a NieceD pregnancy announcement, just when we had started our first IVF. Well, the Friday night before our transfer, I called to tell her Happy Easter, and Happy Birthday as they were both coming up in the next few days, and I didn't want to forget. She asked me how things were, and I told her about our cycle, how we had switched things up in hopes of making a difference this time around. After the conversation ended on my part, she asked me if I wanted to hear her news. I said sure, totally thinking it had something to do with Clark's Gma, who lives with them, when she blurts out this shit.....

"Well, you know NieceD and her hubby, S, are getting divorced right??"

"No, I didn't know that. I knew they had separated because of the Child Molestation charges (long story), but I had no idea they were getting divorced."

"Well, yeah they are getting divorced, and she just called me yesterday and told me that she is pregnant."

"Oh wow, is it S's baby??"

"Nope, some guy she just met"

"Wow, is she going to keep it?"

"Of course why wouldn't she?"

"Well, I am not saying that she shouldn't, I just didn't know."

"Yeah well I have to run I have stuff to do. Talk to you later."

Now this is the same niece that was pregnant the last time she did this, and in just the same kind of hurtful way. First off, I don't care who gets pregnant, but come the fuck on, you have 2 kids under 5, you are getting divorced from your spouse, and you go get pregnant by some man you hardly know.

Internets, PLEASE FUCKING explain to me why I should be HAPPY for her, because I am at a loss with this one completely.

Needless to say this has been on my mind all the time since she told me, and I can't get it off my brain to save my life... now it looks as though our last attempt has failed, and I am just spiraling down here. If I hear good news on Thursday I will let you know, but as of right now I need to step away from IF altogether. I just need to clear my head and my heart for what lays ahead.

Love you all... Rebel

7dp3dt

I know I have been out of touch for a few days, this house seems to have decided that it is going to fall apart. Turtle seems to have become insanely needy. Not wanting anyone but me. When Clark comes home she is still very clingy with me, literally still hanging on to my pant legs. This ends up totally frustrating me after 10 hours, and I cannot get any housework done at all. She wants to be with me all the time, constantly, and while I love this little girl, I need my space and need to be able to keep up the house.

This week we have also had toilet issues... gotta love septic tanks!! The washer totally died on me on Wednesday, so I had to journey over an hour to H*me D*pot just to order a new washer and dryer on Thursday. Friday I had to go get my blood draw as I was concerned about my Estrogen and Progesterone levels.... which were fantastic by the way.

I have tried to sit here a hundred times and write a post, and frankly all the thoughts I have in my head are so jumbled and confusing to even me, that I am not sure I can make them make sense here, or to you. Normally, I don't have this problem, I know what I want to say and I say it. Right now I think there is just so much riding on these two little ones that I can't think beyond next Thursday. I don't have anything to work with as far as "feeling" anything because I am on the PIO. I will admit that I have had some pretty good cramps, but who knows what the hell that means, if even anything. I know that as of today R&B should be Morula's and really implanted, if they did what we needed them to do. I have a chart that I get up and look at every day that tells me what they should be doing on that day. While I know it is what they "should" be doing, I am praying, hoping, wishing, and whatever else I think will work that they did just what they were supposed to, and are now in there growing. Hang in there guys you can do it......

Meet Rocky and Bullwinkle.....

Say Hello to the perfect 8 cell grade 1 embryo's that came home to the Ute this morning!! They were stellar as the RE put it!!

The final report this AM was:

3- 8 cell grade 1
1- 8 cell grade 2
1- 7 cell grade 2
1- 6 cell grade 3
1- 4 cell grade 3

Go me!!!!! We put back the top 2 8 cells with Assisted Hatching, and froze the other 2 8 cells, the 7 cell, and the 6 cell. We agreed that the 4 cell was not worth saving. So, I am PUPO, and on bed rest for the next 3 days. I am only posting because I sent Clark to get some Taco Bell so that I could sneak online and give you guys the update!!!

So here is to hoping and praying that Rocky and Bullwinkle hang around for the long haul!!!

Thanks for all the well wishes and support, it really means a lot to me!!!

Till I am no longer a prisoner of my bed......

2nd Fertilization Report

The 10 that they matured all stopped growing by yesterday afternoon.... :o(

The original 7 are still going strong.

Transfer @ 7:00 AM tomorrow.

Pray for us that there are enough to transfer, Please.

First Fertilization Report

OK, things are looking good... Got the call @ 9:30 this AM

24 Retrieved

7 mature @ retrieval, ICSI'd and developing right on track

12 immature, but matured in the afternoon

12 ICSI'd

2 Fertilized abnormally and were discarded

10 Still developing from that group.

All in all we have 17 embryo's growing.

All I can say is WOW. I guess the switch up in meds, the DHEA, and the CoQ-10 did the trick!!! I am looking so forward to Saturday now. We are also doing assisted hatching this time, so that will be another feather in our cap so to speak. I am so happy!!

I leave you with this: We took Turtle to the Zoo on Sunday, and she had a freaking ball!!!



Of course her Mascots were out getting fed en mass:





Have a beautiful day sweet Internets!!!

Retrieval Day

24 eggs.

It was a long day.

More tommorow.

Missing a beat.....

Gah, my life feels like it is spinning out of control.

I am so glad that I get to trigger tonight. Today's U/S showed many follies around 20mm and E2 was only 3300, so we got the green light for ER on Wednesday morning!!! I have to go back in tomorrow morning to get blood work and another U/S just to make sure that all is still OK.... I have to admit with this cycle my ovaries haven't even made to much noise, and I really didn't feel like I was stimming... well aside from you know that silly little having to stab myself twice a night. It has been a nice change from felling like I was going to freaking explode internally by this point in the last two cycles!

Work starts on Tuesday of next week, and I am feeling so mixed and muddled about it now. Clark isn't helping, he jerks my chain way to much when it comes to decisions like this, and really isn't much help. Putz... you gotta love him though.. OK I have to love him anyway!! I tried to bow out of the job, but the director wouldn't let me, she says that she really feels that I am right for this patient, and really wants me to take this case. So, we are going to work on making it as close to part time as we can. I guess I should be happy that my reputation makes them want me to work for them, especially in this economy huh??!!

Kent starts spring break next week.

I tried to find my little doxie girl a home, and had a person all lined up, but when it came down to it, I bawled all the way home and couldn't give her up. I called the lady who was to get her and apologized profusely. I don't think she was very happy about it, but I just couldn't let her go. She has been my baby for 10 years. I just couldn't let her go. She has been through a lot with me. This morning it was like she knew something was going on, she just curled up on my lap, rubbed her muzzle on my hand the way she has since she first came home, and I was done.

It was a long day, and so is tomorrow, hell the rest of the week is crazy busy. It is time for the trigger and off to bed. Thank you all for the sweet and funny comments over the last week... they made things a lot easier on me!! Hugs to you all. I will let you know how things go tomorrow morning.

Oh yeah, the party was great, and Turtle had a lot of fun!!

Saturday... Fun in the Sun

Ahhh so this new protocol seems to be working really well. My E2 was only at 1100 today!! I had some good sized follies, the biggest being a 17, so they really took off the last 2 days. Right now the plan is to do the ER on Wendsday, with transfer being on Saturday. So, here is to hoping that Passover means that I won't get Passed Over again.

I put a little sidebar up for those of you who visit me who have no idea what I am talking about when it comes to the world of Infertility. It can be daunting to say the least so I just put a few there that mostly pertain to me.

That is all that I have for today, I am off to crash a birthday party. Can you crash a two year olds party?? Is that even cool?? Oh well all I know is that he may be my future SonIL, so I better go and have some cake!! Have a wonderful weekend sweet friends!!!

CD 7 Monitoring appointment

Well, things went downhill first thing in the morning... Baby sitter called just as I was getting the Turtle dressed, her son was sick. So, I had to meet Clark at our PCP's office, where he was getting blood work done, and he followed me to the Clinic. We were there @ 8:30, got seen at 9:45. Sat in the playroom all that time just staring at he walls.

No info on follies or lining in the 5.5 seconds I was wanded, so I have nothing to tell you there. They did leave me on 200 units of Foll*stim though, and I go in in the morning (sat) for another monitoring appointment. All I know is my ovaries hurt, and I feel like my vagina has a snot spout in it!! LOL TMI, I know, but seriously people that is a lot of cervical mucus for one vagina to produce!!!

I picked up the meds they shorted me, got something I wanted from a chick on Cra*gsList, and headed home.

I got a job offer the other day, and I am going to take it. I don't have to start until the 13th so unless we don't get to ER until late next week then I am all over it. I honestly feel that working while I was trying with Turtle had a lot to do with my peace of mind, so I am looking to jump in again. Clark isn't happy about it, he says he wants me to continue staying home, but I have to do this for me and Turtle. I know that in just a few short years she will be in school, and then it will be time for me to go back to school to get my nursing degree finished up. Hell I just need this for my sanity right now to!!

We are having a couple come to visit one of the dogs we are re-homing, and I hope they just fall right in love with her!!

So, I will let you know how tomorrow goes. Hugs.

What it take to make an Infertile "Fertile" *Edited*

Ok, there was a picture here, but my Stupid self didn't look to see that my name was clearly visible on the prescription's.... so I had to take it off. Sorry

I wanted to post this a few days ago, but I couldn't get it to load right. So these are the meds that I have been on for this cycle. There are actually some missing as there were supposed to be 8 total of the blue/green boxes in the back row. It is impossible to believe that it takes these many different drugs to try to make a few good embies, who May make a RL baby. Some of the meds are stuff I do to get ready for the cycle, and some are stuff I take during, a few for after. Putting them all together just makes the seriousness of it really hit home. Here is a list of what they are:

Prep meds-

B-12
PNV- Prenatal Vitamins
Folic Acid x 2
Super B Complex
Co-Q 10
Ultimate Omega Fish Oil with Vit. D
Baby Aspirin
Metformin
DHEA

And of course I am on the Celexa for the Bi-Polar.

Actual Cycle meds-

All of the above plus:
Foll*stim
Ganerelix
Ovidril- trigger before ER
Doxycycline

After ET meds-

All of the prep meds and:
Medrol
PIO- Progesterone in Oil

So you see it really does take a lot to make me fertile. (Ha that just sounds stupid even as I write it, because I will NEVER be fertile no matter what, so I guess that is what it takes to trick my stupid body into doing what it flippin should.)

What a party huh?? My tummy is soooo sore from having to do 2 shots every night now, at least on the Lupr*n, I had a few hours to recover, but this time the shots are at 6 PM and 9 PM.

I have a monitoring appointment in the morning, and if it goes as Monday's did, I will be in a lot of pain after. I don't know what she did with that wand on Monday, but I think my Vajayjay was either not in the mood or she just didn't do it right because DAYUM that shit HURT!!! Only on the left side. Not sure what that was about, but whatever it is over with, and I am no worse for the wear... yet.

So I will let you all know how things go with that. Hugs.