February 26, 2007

I know, I was trying...

Trying to get into Blogger that is.... Well, I have been doing ok, gearing up for my next cycle, and waiting for the Crimson Tide to come... I have also been dealing with some issues surrounding Kent. Now mind you that he is 15, and adopted, but he used to be a Momma's Boy to the core, and now not.so.much. That is what has been bothering me the last week or so, I feel like I am losing my "baby", the only baby I may ever have, and it makes me sad and angry all at the same time. It all came to a head when we were eating out last night, and he had spilled some salsa on his shirt. Without even thinking the Mom in me picked up a napkin, reached over pulled his shirt out a little, and got the nastiest glare along with a "Don't touch me, I can get it myself"... That hurt. He is growing up and doesn't need me to wipe up his spills. That makes me sad. Kent has only been in our lives for just over 8 years, and in that time he has changed so much that I am having a hard time letting go of that little 50 pound 8 year old that I fell in love with, and used to cuddle on the couch while watching movies with?? He is gone, and in his place is this 15 year old young man who I don't know. He has stopped sharing a lot of things with me, and Clark assures me this is normal Boy behavior, but all I feel is the loss. He doesn't let me cut his hair anymore, hell he doesn't get it cut at all anymore, he wants to spend more time with Clark then me, and is getting interests in hobbies that I have no desire to pursue. He is growing up, and I am losing that little boy right before my eyes. It makes me so sad, and now I know how other mothers feel, it is a sadness that cuts to the bone, because those little people that relied on you for everything, can do most of it for themselves, and they don't need us anymore. Sure, they need money, help with some homework, and a few personal issues, but for the most part, they don't even want you around. Ugh... when did it happen?? I cannot put a pin point on it, but it has been within the last year, and maybe that was why I was so relieved that we were going to do IVF, because I would have had another little person to devote my time to. Someone who needs me the way Kent used to. I know that might sound like I am replacing him, but Kent wasn't mine to nurture and love as an infant, so I have never had that experience, but his illness' when he came to us made it sort of feel that way, and that is what I miss the most, the closeness and the fact that he needed me. I feel like my heart is breaking, and then I know how much more it will be broken when the day comes that he will leave for college. How do mom's do it over and over again?? I don't even have a clue because I cannot get past the fact that my little boy doesn't need me........

Calling all Bloggers....

Ok, now that I have been able to finally get back into Blogger, I am having some issues... I want to post other blogs that I read in my sidebar, but I cannot figure it out... so could someone out there PLEASE help me here!!! UGH

February 14, 2007

Starting to feel better....

Well a little at a time anyway. That is how I have been taking it, little bits at a time. I finally had a meltdown on Sunday. I cried, I screamed, and I threw shit..... I feel better now, and it helped to be able to do that, the only bad thing was that I had to go off my anti depressants for a few days to do it. I know that sounds stupid, but those damn pills were working to well, I couldn't feel any pain, grief, loss or anything associated with this cycle, and I desperately needed to, so for 4 days I didn't take my meds, and that allowed me to have my melt down. I felt like a fraud because I kept telling everyone that I was OK, I would be fine, and the people who know me IRL weren't buying it because they know me better then that, I wasn't fine, not fine at all!!! I had sunk into a depression yes, but I couldn't cry, not even just a few tears. So to say that I needed to have some sort of freak out over this whole cycle was a fact. How I did it may not make sense to some, but it made perfect sense to me. I NEEDED to release that crap one way or another, so I did. This whole thing has been so freaking hard on my heart, among other things. I just don't get why this shit has to happen to me. Clark asked me if there was anything that he could do to make it better, and I told him to just put me in a coma until they figure out how to do brain transplants... that way I could pick out a better body that wouldn't hate me so freaking much!! I just don't understand why in the hell I have to be trapped in a body that refuses to do anything that is asked of it, I don't think that I ask to much, just the basics... eat, sleep, reproduce. I do everything I can to stay healthy, and take care of it, so why in the hell is it so hard for this body to do just one of the things that I ask it to, I mean it really isn't that much, people all over the world do it everyday without fail, but then they aren't me.

I had my follow up appointment with Dr. B... or should I say my "You Failed IVF 103" appointment. Actually I love my RE, but I was just very frustrated with this last cycle, so that is why I called it that. First thing she tells me is that she could have showed my protocol and cycle to any RE in the country, and they would have expected me to get PG... well, I expected me to get PG to!!! It was apparently a Text Book cycle, and they were all at a loss as to what went wrong. But here is her best guess......

1. They may have waited to long to retrieve my eggs. She said with all of the follicles that I had the lead ones got to just the size that they normally like to see for a retrieval, but that they might have been mature before they actually retrieved them... so they were Over Ripe!!!

2. My fertilization time was 19 and a half hours... BAD. She said the embryologist told her that my 15 mature eggs were perfect, no defects, no shape issues, nothing to suggest that they weren't going to fertilize right.

3. The OHSS, she was pretty stunned because standard Egg Donors (ladies in their early to mid 20's) get started on only 50 units less then I was on, so NO ONE expected me to hyper stimulate.. ahh, but this is me!!!

4. The rescue ICSI showed them that at least 4 more of our eggs had fertilized on their own, but never showed a second polar body until after they did the rescue ISCI, and then they had to discard those 4 eggs because there were then 3 polar bodies, and we all know 3 is a crowd, so they would have done nothing anyway. The other 7 eggs that they ICSI'd, never did anything.

5. Negative HCG she thinks was caused by the high fevers that I had the days following transfer, not my opinion, but it does make sense.

So the game plan for the next cycle..............

1. Less F0llistim
2. Sooner retrieval if necessary
3. ICSI right away
4. Small amounts of antibiotic until Beta

She thinks that with those few adjustments that we should be well on our way to a baby. I was expecting her to say that I had to sit out at least 2 cycles because of the OHSS, but she said with my next period we are a go. The only thing I have to worry about now is the fact that they are finally done with the new IVF suite in the actual clinic, so I might be delayed a little depending on where I fall on my start date, due to the lab being closed. I am very happy that they are finally done because that means that I only have to go to one place, I really hate the hospital that they do retrievals and transfers at. That will be a big plus.

OK, this got long, and I am beat. I wanted to thank everyone for their comments and support, it really means a lot to me!! I have more for tomorrow, but since it is so late, I am going to post what I have, and get back to the rest tomorrow!! Good night.

February 6, 2007

I don't want to do it.....

But I have to say that I don't think that Bambi and Thumper found that the accommodations were nice enough for them to hang out. Tomorrow is Beta day, but I started spotting and cramping pretty bad yesterday, and it has only gotten worse. I called the RE yesterday to see what they wanted me to do, and the nurse said that they have to do a Beta no matter what, and that I may be surprised... uh nope I don't think so. I can't believe that I only made it 9dpt before the end came... that tells me something right there. Our other 2 embies never made it to blast, so I have a feeling that these 2 didn't either. So now the blame game in my head can begin. I do think that I will cycle again, but I will have to discuss a few things with the RE before I can even see that happening.

1. I don't like the fact that our embies didn't fert. for over 24 hours, that makes me think that they had less of a chance.

2. The amount of meds they had me on was OBVIOUSLY way to much for my ovaries and body to handle.

3. That we do ICSI without a doubt next time. I honestly think that all the years that I smoked has a lot to do with the way that the eggs fertilized. I have done a lot of looking into this, and it is a proven fact that smoking ages your ovaries, and hardens the outer shell of the egg. So that damage has been done, and there is nothing that can undo it. (part one of the blame game right here)

So as I sit here today I am a fucking mess emotionally. I think every time I wipe and see a clot or something that my babies are there on that toilet paper, and that I let them down in some way, that there was something I could have done that I didn't, or something that I did that I shouldn't have. I didn't think this was going to be so damn hard. After all they were just cells..... boy I wish the days of thinking like that were still with me, but they aren't. Those were 2 little budding lives that I had placed in my uterus, and for whatever reason they didn't make it. Shit, I had honestly hoped and prayed I would be one of the lucky ones that would get pregnant the first time and not have to do this crazy crap again. Ahh, but this is me, so I should have know better.

Clark has called me 3 times this morning already asking if I am ok. Boy that is a loaded question. I lost all of the weight that I gained with my OHSS in the last 3 days, so that has been a good thing. My left leg was so huge by Saturday that it hurt to even walk on it. I know it had to have weighed 15 pounds. Clark put me to bed at 4pm and I slept until about 10 the next morning, aside from a few long trips to the potty I slept the whole way through. Of course the antibiotic that they put me on for my strep has cleansed the hell out of my colon, so that I am sure has helped a lot to!! Good lord I never thought I could have that much toilet time!!

So that is where I stand right now, my cramps are terrible, and I think that a little more then Tylenol is in my future. I hope that everyone else is having a good day, and that the Crimson Tide stays away form all of you cycling right now. Later friends.

February 2, 2007

Add Insult to Injury!!!!

Ha, well my week got worse...

Remember how I said in my last post that I spiked a fever last night again?? Well, this AM I woke up, felt like hell, and my throat was hurting.... so being the medical geek that I am get the old flashlight out and look... ugh, white spots all over the back of my throat!!! SHIT. So, I figure it is one of two things, thrush from the Z-Pack, or Strep. I called the RE's office at 8:30 and tell them what was up, and asked the girl to have them call me back ASAP so that if need be I could go to my PCP for a rapid strep instead of going all the way to the clinic. So I waited... and waited, and waited some more.... Finally at 11:30 they called me back, and the nurse said that they felt I should just keep the 2 PM appointment that I had and they would look at it then. She said that it could be either thing, but that whatever it was they could give me meds for it. I flat out told her that they would have to cuz my PCP was only open half of the day, and since they waited so long to call me back they had already closed. I had already decided that I was going to go to my appointment because some of the swelling in my abdomen has gone down some, but now I have legs that looks like ham hocks!!! They were so swollen this morning that they hurt like hell, and I have no freaking ankles!!! In fact I caught site of myself in the mirror before I got in the shower, and I just busted out laughing.... You all know the movie where Jim Carey plays the Grinch in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" Well, that is what I look like the scene where he is playing with his belly while getting his Santa suit on... How sad is that??!!

So, I get the the office on time, and my BP was 155/102, HR was 110, and temp was 101.2... Joy!!! My weight was still 170 so I was a little pissy about that, but at least it was the same as Wednesday.

After sitting there for about 30 minutes, donning nothing but my "paper towel", I started to cry..... I don't know why I just did. I think I was just so freaking worn out that I had nothing left in me to smile about. When the doc walked in about 15 minutes later, he just looked at me and asked "What is the matter?" To which I replied, "I am sick, I am sick of being sick, and I am sick of you telling me every other day that I am going to get better when it only gets worse, and I am so frustrated with this whole situation, and if you tell me one more time that I am going to turn the corner any minute, I am going to lose my damn mind!!!" I sobbed this all out, and looked up to see the "deer in the headlights" look on his face, and I just cried harder telling him that I was sorry, but that I was at the end of my rope and I just couldn't take this shit anymore. The nurse came over and gave me a big hug and told me it was OK, and I just kept sobbing. He stood there for a minute, and handed me a tissue, and looked me right in the face and said "I promise you it will get better" UGH!!!!!!! So I calmed down, and he says to me that he wants to see my throat, so I opened up and he looked in and stepped back... "Uh yeah that is Strep hunny." Oh hell, like all this other shit wasn't bad enough, how in the hell did I manage to get freaking Strep when I have been on antibiotic's for 8 out of the last 10 damn days??? He told me that the ones they had me on weren't for Strep, so they wouldn't have prevented it at all, and that I prolly got it at the ER last Friday when I went... LOL ain't that just freaking wonderful?? Not only did that whole visit go crappy, and I have to pay for the freaking ER visit, but I got sicker while I was there... that BITES!!!

So, he says to me alright lets see those ovaries!! Well, they are both smaller today, and have a few cysts on them, but the fluid behind my uterus is gone. I showed him my legs, and he said "I know you aren't gonna want to hear this, but that is a good thing." HUH??? Good??? I look like I have Quasimodo legs!!! He laughed and said "Yeah but that means that the fluid is starting to move out of your abdomen, and get back into the bloodstream where you can pass it easier." Ok, that makes more sense to me.... it still hurts though. So, I got another script for a different antibiotic. He told me to come back Tuesday if I am not feeling better. He looked at me right before he gave me the script and told me that I was ok, and I was gonna be ok, and he gave me a hug!! How sweet was that??? I am sure it really scared the hell out of him to see me lose it like that, but I am sure I wasn't the first, and won't be the last!!

On another note, today I celebrated a little "birthday" of sorts. It was 6 years ago today that I had Gastric Bypass surgery, and I have managed (well that is until the last week) to keep all of the 120 pounds that I lost off. That has been a big deal to me because most of the statistics say that if you can keep the weight off for 5 years, then you usually keep it off for good. I think that has been one of the reasons that the 20 pounds I gained with OHSS has hit me so hard.... I am totally terrified of gaining that weight back, and I still struggle everyday with making the right choices when it comes to food and all that jazz. Gastric Bypass isn't a "fix" it is a "tool" and that tool can fail if you don't use it right, so weight maintenance is still a struggle for me everyday, but I plan on winning the battle!!

Well, this got long, and it is late here so I am sleepy, not to mention the fact I just threw down some pain meds, so I am off for the night to try to get some sleep, and pray like hell that I start seeing some sort of a freaking line on those damn evil PEE STICKS in the next day or so!!!!! :oP~~~~~

February 1, 2007

What a week......

Well, it has been a week since transfer and it has been one of the worst weeks of my life!! I will tell you this is not the piece of cake that I thought it was going to be, and I will be hard pressed to do it again if I get a negative Beta!!

Friday: I spent the whole day writhing and crying in pain, and by the time Clark got home I was a bawling mess. I couldn't pee, couldn't catch my breath, couldn't drink, and couldn't eat. I was having abdominal cramps that would have brought any man to tears!! So Clark called the RE's office, and they told us to go to the ER but to have the ER docs call them so they could explain what was going on to them. We went to the ER, and they rushed me right in because my BP was high, I had a fever, and I was in OBVIOUS distress. Well the PA that came to talk to me was very sweet, and was concerned about a few different things, well I told him that the RE said OHSS, and that he was supposed to call them, and he said ok and left. Then a little while later, I get an IV port and blood done. Then in comes the JACKASS of the year who picked me to try to be a DR on. Dr. Jackass told me that OHSS was bs, and that he thought that I had stress incontinence!! I told him about IVF, told him to call my doc, and he said he was going to do a bladder scan to see what was going on. I told him that he wasn't going to see anything in there cuz I hadn't been able to pee.... but you know how they are the doc is NEVER wrong. So in comes the nurse who looks 16 does the bladder scan, Dr. Jackass comes back in while she is doing it and says to me... "See you were wrong there is over 3000 CC's of urine in your bladder, I KNEW what I was talking about. Now we are going to put a Foley catheter in you and you are gonna have to wear it for at least four days until your bladder returns to normal." WHATEVER. I knew the fluid that they were seeing was in my abdomen, but Clark said that maybe if I just let them put the Foley in that would be it, and then I could go home. So I gave in, and let them put in the Foley... great fun I recommend it to anyone who loves to torture themselves.. and they got 50 yeah 50 whole CC's of urine..... FUCKERS!!! After a short rant about how the nurse must not have done something right, he sends me over to U/S to let them see if they can figure it out. The lady who did the U/S was great she tried very hard not to hurt me, and be as gentle as she could. She got a chuckle when she had to put 1000 CC's of saline in my bladder just to get a good picture of it, she looked right at me and said "Girl you have a tiny little bladder!!" I knew that. She checked the blood flow to my ovaries and commented on how HUGE they were, and I told her I knew that because I could feel them!! Back in the room, Dr. Jackass comes back in and tells me that I have a little extra fluid in my abdomen, as he ADJUSTED HIS JUNK in front of us, told me he was DX'ing me with pelvic pain and sending me home with pain meds. He also told me to get some Dramamine and some Metamucil (although I had severe diarrhea) and to call and check in with my docs in the AM, and off he went. The nurse comes in pulls the Foley, the IV, and gives me my discharge papers. Well after we waited 20 minutes for the script she comes back, and asks what we are waiting for... I told her that he was going to give me a script for pain meds, and she said he didn't leave her anything, but that she could get another doc to write one, and I told her to never mind, and then I looked her right in the face and told her that the doc that had seen me was a fucking idiot, and we left. Now two other things that happened while we were there that bothered me, and I plan on reporting them... the first was that they left a vial of my blood sitting in the room the whole 4 hours we were there and never took it to the lab, and the second one was that when the nurse removed my IV, she threw it in the regular trash.... not the sharps container, and not a bio hazard bag, but the TRASH!!! Now work in the medical field and I know that is not how things are done!! UGH!!!

Needless to say I was almost in tears when we left mostly because I was frustrated, but we went home, and I tried to sleep. The next morning the RE on call for the weekend called me to see how I was doing, and I told him that I was worse then the day before, and he told me that they wanted to see me right away because they were worried about a clot in my lungs with the pain I was having. So then he BLOWS me out of the water by asking if I had in fact gone to the ER and I said yes, and he said that not only did they NOT call him, but he had called the ER 4 times to see if I was OK, and they told him I WAS NOT there!! Can you believe that shit??? So we drive to the RE's office right away, and they did an U/S and looked me over, they drew blood, and my BP was high as a kite, and my temp was 101. They told me that they would call me back but that they didn't think they were going to need to drain the fluid just yet. Well, that night he called and told me that my blood work had come back bad and that they were putting me on antibiotics... now they did the same freaking test the night before at the ER... supposedly. So, he says they want to see me in clinic on Monday morning to check on me again, and if the fluid hadn't started to resolve then they were gonna have to Tap me and drain it.

Sunday I just stayed in bed all day per docs orders, and then Monday Clark came home to take me to my appointment. We went in fully expecting that I was going to get tapped, and then they tell me that they don't feel like they should do it due to the location of the fluid, and the chance that they might nick my bowels.... UGH, at that point I started crying because I literally looked like I was 6-7 months pregnant, and I had gained 12 pounds since Friday. I told them I wasn't sleeping at all, and that I couldn't even wipe my own ass!! All to no avail though because they still wouldn't do it and sent me home with an appointment for Wednesday. Well Wednesday comes, I go in and at that point my total weight gain in 1 week was 20 pounds... yep 20 freaking pounds of fluid I am carrying around, but alas they still won't drain me and they really think that I will "turn the corner" at any minute. One of the nurses really pissed me off to with this little comment "You know we have had girls sicker then you, in fact we just had a girl who spent over 2 months in the hospital with the same thing." I looked her right in the face and asked her what the hell her point was. At that point I really just wanted to smack the shit out of everyone in the damn office and leave. I had to set up yet another appointment for Friday afternoon so they can check on me again, and until tonight when I spiked a fever of 101 I wasn't planning on going, but now that I have a fever again Clark is insisting that I go....

I have had a bad week, and I HATE sitting around not doing anything, so this has really been hard on me!! I am not the helpless type, and I am the one who makes my house run smoothly, and although it is nice to have my guys do things for me, that crap gets old fast!! Last night a lot of the fluid moved into my legs, and that has me freaking out to. I can honestly say right at this very moment that if these 2 little ones decide not to stick around, I will be very hard pressed to find a good reason to do this again. I don't give up easy, but I cannot see how all this happening will make me want to jump in and do another cycle. They can't guarantee me that this will not happen again, and I cannot do this to myself and my family again. I guess it will take a lot of thinking and convincing myself, but I am praying that I won't have to..... BTW, I have not had one single symptom at all, so I am not sure if they did decide to hang out, Beta is still 6 days away, so I am hoping that they give me some kind of a sign before then!!