February 6, 2007

I don't want to do it.....

But I have to say that I don't think that Bambi and Thumper found that the accommodations were nice enough for them to hang out. Tomorrow is Beta day, but I started spotting and cramping pretty bad yesterday, and it has only gotten worse. I called the RE yesterday to see what they wanted me to do, and the nurse said that they have to do a Beta no matter what, and that I may be surprised... uh nope I don't think so. I can't believe that I only made it 9dpt before the end came... that tells me something right there. Our other 2 embies never made it to blast, so I have a feeling that these 2 didn't either. So now the blame game in my head can begin. I do think that I will cycle again, but I will have to discuss a few things with the RE before I can even see that happening.

1. I don't like the fact that our embies didn't fert. for over 24 hours, that makes me think that they had less of a chance.

2. The amount of meds they had me on was OBVIOUSLY way to much for my ovaries and body to handle.

3. That we do ICSI without a doubt next time. I honestly think that all the years that I smoked has a lot to do with the way that the eggs fertilized. I have done a lot of looking into this, and it is a proven fact that smoking ages your ovaries, and hardens the outer shell of the egg. So that damage has been done, and there is nothing that can undo it. (part one of the blame game right here)

So as I sit here today I am a fucking mess emotionally. I think every time I wipe and see a clot or something that my babies are there on that toilet paper, and that I let them down in some way, that there was something I could have done that I didn't, or something that I did that I shouldn't have. I didn't think this was going to be so damn hard. After all they were just cells..... boy I wish the days of thinking like that were still with me, but they aren't. Those were 2 little budding lives that I had placed in my uterus, and for whatever reason they didn't make it. Shit, I had honestly hoped and prayed I would be one of the lucky ones that would get pregnant the first time and not have to do this crazy crap again. Ahh, but this is me, so I should have know better.

Clark has called me 3 times this morning already asking if I am ok. Boy that is a loaded question. I lost all of the weight that I gained with my OHSS in the last 3 days, so that has been a good thing. My left leg was so huge by Saturday that it hurt to even walk on it. I know it had to have weighed 15 pounds. Clark put me to bed at 4pm and I slept until about 10 the next morning, aside from a few long trips to the potty I slept the whole way through. Of course the antibiotic that they put me on for my strep has cleansed the hell out of my colon, so that I am sure has helped a lot to!! Good lord I never thought I could have that much toilet time!!

So that is where I stand right now, my cramps are terrible, and I think that a little more then Tylenol is in my future. I hope that everyone else is having a good day, and that the Crimson Tide stays away form all of you cycling right now. Later friends.


DD said...

Man, this cycle really put you through hell. yes, I would like you to be pleasantly surprised tomorrow also. But right now, don't beat yourself up about anything you did or didn't do.

And I think Clark is a total sweetie. My husband wouldn't have called even once (he's a hardass).

sandy said...

I'll email you soon.

Kris said...

I'm sorry. I HATE when, in spite of the bleeding, they "have" to have a beta.

Be good to yourselves.

Kel said...

I'm so sorry that all this hit you at once. You deserve a week or ten away. I'm thinking tropical, I'm thinking drinks with little umbrellas, I'm thinking warm tradewinds. I'm thinking maybe I should go with you.

Hang in there. I'll check back often hoping for good news in the months to come.

sandy said...

I've been away from the internet...we just bought a house & moved in so it's been chaotic. I've been thinking of you. I hope you're doing ok despite the run of bad luck. I'll check in on you again soon.

Kristin said...

Oh honey...I am so sorry. I wish I could say something to make it easier. I'm glad Clark is looking after you.