February 14, 2007

Starting to feel better....

Well a little at a time anyway. That is how I have been taking it, little bits at a time. I finally had a meltdown on Sunday. I cried, I screamed, and I threw shit..... I feel better now, and it helped to be able to do that, the only bad thing was that I had to go off my anti depressants for a few days to do it. I know that sounds stupid, but those damn pills were working to well, I couldn't feel any pain, grief, loss or anything associated with this cycle, and I desperately needed to, so for 4 days I didn't take my meds, and that allowed me to have my melt down. I felt like a fraud because I kept telling everyone that I was OK, I would be fine, and the people who know me IRL weren't buying it because they know me better then that, I wasn't fine, not fine at all!!! I had sunk into a depression yes, but I couldn't cry, not even just a few tears. So to say that I needed to have some sort of freak out over this whole cycle was a fact. How I did it may not make sense to some, but it made perfect sense to me. I NEEDED to release that crap one way or another, so I did. This whole thing has been so freaking hard on my heart, among other things. I just don't get why this shit has to happen to me. Clark asked me if there was anything that he could do to make it better, and I told him to just put me in a coma until they figure out how to do brain transplants... that way I could pick out a better body that wouldn't hate me so freaking much!! I just don't understand why in the hell I have to be trapped in a body that refuses to do anything that is asked of it, I don't think that I ask to much, just the basics... eat, sleep, reproduce. I do everything I can to stay healthy, and take care of it, so why in the hell is it so hard for this body to do just one of the things that I ask it to, I mean it really isn't that much, people all over the world do it everyday without fail, but then they aren't me.

I had my follow up appointment with Dr. B... or should I say my "You Failed IVF 103" appointment. Actually I love my RE, but I was just very frustrated with this last cycle, so that is why I called it that. First thing she tells me is that she could have showed my protocol and cycle to any RE in the country, and they would have expected me to get PG... well, I expected me to get PG to!!! It was apparently a Text Book cycle, and they were all at a loss as to what went wrong. But here is her best guess......

1. They may have waited to long to retrieve my eggs. She said with all of the follicles that I had the lead ones got to just the size that they normally like to see for a retrieval, but that they might have been mature before they actually retrieved them... so they were Over Ripe!!!

2. My fertilization time was 19 and a half hours... BAD. She said the embryologist told her that my 15 mature eggs were perfect, no defects, no shape issues, nothing to suggest that they weren't going to fertilize right.

3. The OHSS, she was pretty stunned because standard Egg Donors (ladies in their early to mid 20's) get started on only 50 units less then I was on, so NO ONE expected me to hyper stimulate.. ahh, but this is me!!!

4. The rescue ICSI showed them that at least 4 more of our eggs had fertilized on their own, but never showed a second polar body until after they did the rescue ISCI, and then they had to discard those 4 eggs because there were then 3 polar bodies, and we all know 3 is a crowd, so they would have done nothing anyway. The other 7 eggs that they ICSI'd, never did anything.

5. Negative HCG she thinks was caused by the high fevers that I had the days following transfer, not my opinion, but it does make sense.

So the game plan for the next cycle..............

1. Less F0llistim
2. Sooner retrieval if necessary
3. ICSI right away
4. Small amounts of antibiotic until Beta

She thinks that with those few adjustments that we should be well on our way to a baby. I was expecting her to say that I had to sit out at least 2 cycles because of the OHSS, but she said with my next period we are a go. The only thing I have to worry about now is the fact that they are finally done with the new IVF suite in the actual clinic, so I might be delayed a little depending on where I fall on my start date, due to the lab being closed. I am very happy that they are finally done because that means that I only have to go to one place, I really hate the hospital that they do retrievals and transfers at. That will be a big plus.

OK, this got long, and I am beat. I wanted to thank everyone for their comments and support, it really means a lot to me!! I have more for tomorrow, but since it is so late, I am going to post what I have, and get back to the rest tomorrow!! Good night.


DD said...

Did she suggest doing a sperm analysis, or are they not suspecting anything there b/c his numbers all look good?

I have a friend who found out that his sperm just can't penetrate the egg. This was before ICSI so they went to donor IUI. Hopefully, going straight to ICSI this next time will take care of any potential issue.

Kris said...

I'm glad you got to get it all out. And whether or not anyone else understands that is irrelevant. You know what's best for you.

I'm sorry about the hurt. I've been asking myself the same questions ad nauseum lately. Why the hell can't I just get pregnant?

You are braver than I-- I haven't yet convinced myself to make my post-failure follow up appt.

Thalia said...

I think you might want to wait another month, your body needs time to recover, esp after OHSS. Your ovaries take about 3 months to return to normal size after a stim cycle. See how you feel, but most evidence says waiting is a better option.

Kristin said...

I am so, so sorry you had to go through this. I remember feeling like I hated my body too. That is a horrible feeling. I'm glad you were able to have your meltdown and found some relief in it. {{{Hugs}}}

Baby Blues said...

I hear you with the meltdown. Go ahead and release all this IF crap. A good meltdown does make me feel much better after.

Samantha said...

Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog. I've just been reading your history on the last cycle - and let me just say: HOLY CRAP! Nobody should have to take that kind of shit when hyperstimulating from the ER, and to have strep on top of it! There are many things I'm not that fond of with with RE and clinic, but I'm so glad that they have a tight relationship with the hospital next door, because I don't think I could have handled it. I totally know where you are coming from with the weight gain from OHSS. I gained 15 lbs in two days! The good news is that I did lose it all in a few weeks. In fact after I got AF, I think I peed for two days straight!

I agree that meltdowns are important, and hope that both your body and mind will be on the road to recovery.

CAM said...

It felt like I was reading my own thoughts as I read your blog. I just put up my blog today because I am so frustrated and angry at the world that I don't know where to turn. I just started seeing a therapist so I don't lose my mind. I am afraid if I ever do have a child I'll be too crazy by then to raise it?! I empathize with you totally and experience the same pain that comes from trying to handle all of this. Hopefully it helps a bit to know you are not alone.