I found it.....

I found it. The bottom of my soul. It isn’t pretty here at all. There is no light, no sunshine, no dreams to look forward to. Nothing. No happiness in everyday actions. There is nothing but heartbreak, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of loss. I woke up this morning to a cloudy and gray day, and it didn’t matter to me that I couldn’t see the sun, because I don’t want to see it anymore. The sun represents something I can’t feel anymore. It represents light, warmth, and hope, and frankly here at the bottom of my soul there is none of that. There is no waking up from this dream and finding everything is going to be ok. It isn’t ok, and it never will be ok. I cannot decide if I am mourning for the loss of my fertility, the loss of my will, or just because I have finally realized that I have been lying to myself all these years. A baby will make me whole, that is the lie. Will it really, or will it just be one more thing in this life that will unsettle me. Have I spent so long fighting for this one thing because I HAD to do it, it was something that was the one thing I had lost control over. Control, is that what this is all about? Not the actual longing for a child like most women, but just the control?? I don’t know anymore. I used to, or I think I used to. Now I am just worried that a new life will upset what I have right now, the things that I can control. And that makes me angry. It makes me see just what a selfish person I am. It makes me sick that I have put myself and Clark through all of this, when deep down inside it was all about control. At least that is what I think it was about. See losing that control completely has forced me to step back and wonder what in the hell I was thinking. I can’t beat my own body anymore, it has showed me that, it has control, not me. It runs me, it rules me, and once again it has shown me who is the boss. I just live here in my brain and have the hopes and dreams, but that body has to want to fulfill them, and I can see now that it doesn’t want to. It isn’t going to give me an inch. And, I honestly doubt if I can find the strength to fight it, or even if I want to. There has to be a reason that my body fights me so, it must know something that I either cannot see, or refuse to accept. Will this body even allow an IVF to work?? It has already stopped me in my tracks with the last attempt, and if I manage to get over on it and actually make it to a retrieval will I get any eggs, and if that happens, and God willing we actually have embryo’s to put back, what will my body do to those embryo’s?? I am so scared that my body will not allow me to get pregnant, that I am to the point of not even giving my body the chance to hurt me like that. I know that when I do a transfer I am putting our children back inside me, and that my body will control what comes next. I am scared to death of what my body will do with those little babies, and what my heart will be able to handle, if my body makes a bad choice. Or, will it be the right choice? Does my body know what my heart, brain, and soul are so totally unwilling to accept?? I don’t even know anymore, and I am scared, so freaking scared. God, I would give anything for things to be simple again. To be 23 and have the next 10 years to be unaware of what my body held for me at 33, how it was going to let me down, and erase every bit of sanity I thought I had. That is a struggle that is already hard enough for me. Sanity. Trying to keep it together everyday, is hard enough already, I didn’t need to know that my body has plotted against me to make that one task even harder then it already was. It is all so tiring that I can’t even get going during the day. I just want to sleep, and sit in front of the TV where I can watch other peoples lives, and not be bothered with living my own. I have to make no decisions when I do this, no doctors appointments, except therapy, even that is a struggle. She forces me to talk about all of this and makes it so real to me, when all I want to do is forget about it. But I go, and I get up everyday to, not that it matters much to anyone but me. I don’t have to get up at all, I really don’t. That is where I am right now. I haven’t had a shower in days, I don’t care either. I haven’t brushed my hair or my teeth in days. I haven’t changed my clothes in days. And I don’t care. I just don’t care.

Not Much Going On......

Well, not much is going on here. We had a quiet weekend just the 3 of us. Clark had Jury Duty on Monday so he got most of the day off. I had to go out to get some stuff taken care of, and remember why I moved to the country!!! The traffic up there is horrible!!! Those people cannot drive. I had to go to DSS to turn in some paperwork for our adoption subsidy, and while I was there I talked to our old worker. Then it was home and that took forever!!

The BCP's are killing me, I am so tired, and sick to my stomach all freaking day long, that it is getting old really fast!! Another thing I am concerned about it the schedual for this IVF. I printed out some blank calanders for Oct., Nov., and Dec. and if I go the full 28 day cycle, I will not be able to retrieve before they close the lab for the end of the year, not to mention that my transfer will be on Christmas Day. So I am hoping like hell that I don't take the full 28 days on this pack of pills so that this schedual will be a few days sooner then I have it right now. This is really driving me nutso!!! The one thing that has been helping is that I have stuck with seeing my therapist every week, and even though she might not know how I feel, she really gets me to talk about things and see them in a constructive way.

I am still working desperiatly on trying to quit smoking, and if I can't do it by the 2nd then I am going to either see a hypnotist, or ask the doc for some Zyban, cuz I hear that works good... but hey maybe the hypnotist will help with the stress of this IVF to... never know....

Oh well, I am off to bed, I have a quiet cleaning day planned for tomorrow, so no driving or stress for me!! LOL!! Goodnight.

I forgot.....

I forgot about something that the RE told me yesterday... she said that she was glad that my right ovary kept up with the left one, even though I had cysts. She was worried that with all the adhesions and the fact that it was "deformed" that it might not even work at all. I guess that is a good thing that came out of this, or at least that is how I am going to try to see it!! LOL I am worried though because by my math, I won't start stims early enough to miss the cut off for the end of the year lab closure. I am not sure though, it just seems like I am cutting it really close!!!
But anyway, I am off to bed, had a nap today and it threw me all of!! Oh yeah, and the Birth Control Pills SUCK!!!!!!!!!! That has got to be what is making me so sick to my freaking stomach!! GEEZ!!!

Just call me Murphy!!!

Well I woke up yesterday to one of the worst AF's ever!! So I go up to the Clinic, and ended up waiting over an hour, in which I worked on my journal. When the RE finally came in, she asked me what I was trying to do to her??!! LOL, I told her she was the one that put me on the Lupron. She had been out of town, and was reviewing the charts Thursday night for the next day when she saw my E2 level she said the first thought that she had was that it was a great number for a viable pregnancy and that she thought maybe I snuck one in there before we started the Lupron (not possible at all due to my tubes) and then she saw that Beta was Neg, so she was very worried. My E2 was 1700, so all those cysts/follies were cysts, and there wouldn't have been any eggs to retrieve. That is why they didn't call me back. She said that they call what happened a Lupron Flare, and that it is Very Rare, and usually never seen with PCOS patients, color me special!! She did another U/S and 2 of the cysts had ruptured, hence all my pain. My ovaries were still "kissing, but she said they had shrunk since Monday, so that was good. She said she was sorry that all this had happened, but she really didn't think that I would pull this on her!! So, I started BCP's yesterday, wait for AF, start a new pack, and then on day 21 of the pills we will add back the Luporn and pray for the best. So, if all goes well, I should be doing an actual ret. sometime mid December.

So that was my day... UGH I am so tired of this, and just want to sleep through the next month and a half!! At least I have Clark and Kent to distract me!! We picked Kent up from his school dance tonight, and then went out to eat at our favorite spot. I got sick as a dog, and after we came home I still was pretty ill. I am not sure if it is just nerves, or the Tylenol-3 the RE gave me for pain, but I spent half the night hung over the toilet heaving so hard I popped a rib... ugh now that is a whole new kind of pain let me tell you!!! I also think I blew another cyst this morning, that freaking hurt to!!! Good lord I feel like I am falling apart at the seams!!!! I guess this is the crap we do to ourselves in the pursuit of our dreams!! Oh well, til next time!!!

Sinking....

Well, after trying for the last 2 days to get someone at the clinic on the phone, I got a tad indignant, and finally got my nurse to call me back. I go in to see MY RE tomorrow afternoon, and hopefully get some questions answered about what went wrong. I started spotting today and it was really odd looking, not to mention the pain I have been having in my pelvic area, and Midol has done nothing for that at all!! UGH, so I will see what she has to say.... I have a list of questions to ask her, and this time I wrote them all down so that I don't forget them. I have been sitting in the house for 2 days now trying to figure out what to do, and if I really even want to keep on this road.... I know that sounds a little premature since we just started IVF, but it has been 14 years of dealing with this shit, and I am not sure just how much more I want to put myself through at this point. With the last 2 months being so heartbreaking finding out all that is wrong with BabyCentral, I just feel so fucking beat down, and the kicks just keep coming!! I am frankly not sure just how much more I can take without cracking wide open. I want to have a baby, but I am so tired of dealing with the fact that MY OWN BODY keeps betraying me at every freaking turn. I am just so tired of being at the mercy of a disfunctional reproductive system that I could PUKE!! I pray every night that something will give, that I will either get over my baby lust and move on, or that God will find me worthy of giving birth. I am sick of beating myself up everyday for not being able to control my own body enough to accomplish this one goal. I cannot believe that something like this consumes my every waking thought, and that I let it.... maybe that should show me just how sad this whole thing has become, it is an addiction, and I am a junkie. I can't even remember a time when I wasn't obsessed with getting pregnant, that is how bad it is!!! Christ I sound like a freaking lunatic.
Well I guess I better go crawl into bed and get ready for yet another day in my life...