My Life is a Disaster....

Well, my life has finished falling apart... the last few weeks have been a nightmare that I cannot wake up from, and frankly I am bordering on losing my mind.... I have spent the last 3 weeks trying to wrap my mind around all that I learned from surgery, and it has been very hard....

I just happened to call the bus. office, and the girl told me that the doc had done a care plan for me that was Injects/timed intercourse... well you know about the ins thing, so I told her that we have to do IVF and that I needed that all changed... so the nurse calls me back said the doc said ok to IVF, and that I have to have one more test so that they can start... it is a saline sonogram in 3D of the uterus. So then she gives me a prelim start date for the meds, and tells me to make the appt. for the sonogram.... Well that was yesterday, and I went in on time, and the girl at the front desk gave me our IVF packet... that in itself is overwhelming... there are almost 100 pages, and like 10 different consent forms that you have to sign, so I was looking through that, and starting to get a little freaked... it just made everything so real!!! So I go in for the sono, and she does a standard u/s first... has trouble seeing my uterus, the damn thing is now tipped to the back of my pelvis... go figure!!! So in comes one of the docs, and they start to do the saline injection (right into the uterus with an u/s wand, and a catheter) well as soon as she started pushing the saline in, I got hot, and started cramping, kinda normal, well the more she put in the more it hurt, and I thought that they were gonna have to peel me off the ceiling... well she just kept pushing, and finally said that she was getting total resistance and that the fluid wasn't passing through my tubes at all.... so she asked about the hysteroscopy that I was supposed to have had on the 22nd, and I told her about the problem that Dr. B had had with the equipment, and she said well if she had been able to do it then she would have know that your tubes are totally blocked. @@ So in just 4 short weeks, I have gone from having a totally workable fertility issue to NEVER being able to conceive on my own. I am just devastated, and right now it is impossible for me to wrap my mind around all of this..... I feel like I am going to lose it. Why is this happening to me??

Crap I have to run the girls to the vet, so I am gonna have to finish this later..........

A little Good News....

A littlle good news...
Well, after getting the hospital bill on Saturday I was FREAKING OUT!!!!! It was for close to $8,000.00!!! I wasn't sure how they were gonna bill for it but my ins. co. says that we pay 50%, so I wasn't happy..... So, today I got on the ins. site, and looked up the claim, and they paid all of it but $1,510.00!!!!! I am going to call them and ask them why they won't pay the rest, but hey if they won't then I am ok with that I guess, but it can't hurt to try to get it down. According to the book, our co-pay should only be $150.00, so I don't get it.....
So, yesterday I got to reading the benifits section, and you are limited to 3 IVF attempts per live birth with a lifetime cap of $100,000.00, last year the rule was this Clomid-IUI....Injectibles-IVF, only no grey area.... but this year they have changed it to read that when injectible drugs are started it counts as an IVF try.... so what in the hell is the point of even doing injects and an IUI???? Christ, that has to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard!!! So Clark and I talked about it last night, and he agreed that it was dumb, and that we are just going to go ahead with IVF. No point wasting a try or two when she told me I could just go right to IVF. So now I have to try to wrap my head around the whole idea. But hey, who knows maybe, just maybe I will get pregnant in the next 2 months, and I won't have to spend the money... trust me with the way my tubes were looking, anything could happen now that they are all freed up!!! Boy wouldn't that be nice... prolly just a pipe dream though, but a dream none the less!!! You know I am both excited and scared... excited to do the one thing that I am sure will work, but scared that it will take more then one try, and how I will cope when/if it fails!!! I am also entering the unknown on the whole IVF thing... I could walk you through an IUI cycle step by step, but this is something I have NO experience with at all... I guess I will be doing a lot of reading and researching!!!

Well, I told you I was gonna tell you about my furniture fiasco, and I have even more to add to it today... UGH!!! In July after we finally got our taxes back, Clark and I went into the place we got our mattresses from and picked out the style, color and brand of couch/love seat, and coffee/end tables that we wanted... to the tune of $3,200.00. Now this stuff was custom built, and we picked the fabric all that Jazz... well he tells me 4-6 weeks, fine NP. So I called him I think about the 15th of Aug. and he said that it had been shipped on the 10th, but hadn't gotten there yet... well I called back a few days later, and still nothing. So on the Friday before I had surgery the 18th, I talked to our sales guy, and he told me that the coffee table was there, but nothing else and that he would be out the next week but that the owner would know when they came in and call me. So, fast forward to the 21st, I called the owner and told him that I was having surgery the next day, and that if the furn. was in that we wouldn't be able to have it delivered. He said that it wasn't there, but that it should be on Wednesday. I called Wednesday, and he told me it was there, and they would bring it out the next day. Well, they brought it all right, and I was freaking out, it wasn't the color that we had picked, and trust me we FOUGHT over the color for MONTHS and finally settled on burgundy, well this was a WINE color, very red, not the plum color that the swatch was... so I get right on the phone and call the owner... He tells me that the lights in the showroom change the swatches, and to take it up with M our sales guy... ok fine, but who owns the place him or the sales guy??? So the coffee table never even made it out that day... seems it had gone missing. Ok fine, but the end table wasn't the one we ordered either, it was the same look, but the table we picked was designed to swing half of it out to make like a little TV tray, but this one slid... ok we can get over that I guess. After the guys left, I was looking the couch and love seat over when I noticed that next to the seam on the arm of the love seat there was a 2 inch rip that they had shoddily sewn back together with bright red thread, and two other small holes on the other side of the seam that they had done to... I WENT OFF!!!!!!!! I called the owner again, and his response was "You will have to take it up with M when he gets back" He really pissed me off because I don't spend that kind of money everyday, and the furniture made over 5 grand we had spent in his store. I mean give me a break this is NICE sturdy Berkline custom made stuff, and you don't care that I am not happy??? OH HELL NO!!!!! So fast forward to Monday the 28th, and Marty calls me to talk about what happened... I asked him how long he has worked there, and he told me like 30 years, well I told him he oughta own the place because he seemed to care more about the customers then the damn owner did!!! He apologized profusely, and told me that he had already ordered the arm piece for the upholstery guy to fix it, the table was the right table they had just changed the design, and apparently our coffee table was delivered to the wrong house, and the people never called and said it wasn't theirs but that they were going to go get it and bring it out. I asked him about the color, and he said the swatches were almost 2 years old, and the fabric color had been changed but that they hadn't gotten new cards, but that he had asked the owner to get them, and also that they had been handled alot, and the lights might have had a little to do with it... I told him it was ok, the color had sorta grown on me, and I would suck that up. Well, so he calls me back on Thursday, and tells me he is gonna bring the table out, I told him not to bother cuz it was POURING, and my yard was going to get ruined if they drove that big ass truck on it... I told him to just wait until Monday as TS Ernesto was coming over the weekend, so the ground wouldn't be any better. We agreed that he would come out Tues evening the 25th to drop off the table, and look at the love seat. Tuesday night he calls here to tell me that they can't get out til Wednesday or Thursday now and will that be ok... fine. So the guys show up today w/o a call, and tell me they are here to drop off the table and pick up the love seat... uh pick it up why... so I call Marty and he said he had to send it out to the guy to fix it and that they would have it back to me by Saturday... Ok fine. Well, then they pull the table off the truck, start bringing it up the stairs, and Clark stopped them and said... that is NOT the table I ordered... OMG I was sooo pissed, they had delivered my table to the house they were just at!!! I cannot believe this shit, so on the phone again, well wouldn't you know they had closed, and the ans. machine picked up. The guys on the truck were pretty pissed about it to because they have been having this problem all week...well I don't care, I just want my damn furniture!!!!!!!!! I am supposed to be having a party this weekend, and I have no damn place for people to sit!!! I am telling you I am going into that store tomorrow, and I WILL get compensated for this BS if I have to burn that joint down!!! LOL Just kidding, but geez come on, I don't drop that kind of money everyday, and I expect to get treated like I freaking matter, and to get what I paid for!!! Cripes!!!

I wrote earlier that I was going to try to quit smoking, well I caved, sort of..... I am doing the patches, and weaning myself slowly. I did this before the last time I quit, and it worked very well, so trying to do it with just the patch was killing me... so far so good, I have done very well... almost 2 packs a day down to about 10 today.... the patch just helps limit my urges, so I don't want them as often as I normally would. Everyone was freaking out cuz they tell you not to do that, but the patch program take 10 flipping weeks, and this way I usually do it in one or a little over one. I will let ya know how it is going, but I just picked a bad time with the news on Tuesday, and all of the stuff running through my head to just quit. Clark said he doesn't care how I do it just that I do it!!!

I went to the Shrink today, for a med review, and he and I talked about the meds and being pregnant, he really doesn't think there will be a problem because there weren't any birth defects linked to what I am on, so after we talked I felt better!! He said his main concern is the time getting pregnant with how I will cope with it, all the drugs you have to take with IVF and the stress associated with even doing the treatment, and that in his experience with Bi-polar women it is worse for them to be off the meds then to be on them. Not to mention that we have a higher chance of post partum depression, and that in his opinion the small risk was worth it to keep me mentally healthy through all of this. I agree, and I am glad that he finally just spit it out!!!

After that I went to the PetSmart, to get dog food, and ended up getting Kent some new fish since his Beta from the Adoption Day had died last month. He loves them!!! I didn't tell him that I had done it, and it took him like 15 minutes to notice it. He was like dang mom there are a ton of them in there!! I got him 8 calico gold fish of different sizes, and two algae eaters. By the time he went to bed he had named them all!!! That kid is a riot!!! I also got his big hermit crab a cage of his own because he has gotten so big, and is trying to climb out of the old one all the time, not to mention he is mean to the other crab in there with him!! I tell ya I love critters!!!

Well, that was my day in a nutshell, I have to call the business mgr. tomorrow and see if she can send me the cost sheet for IVF so that I can know what I need to come up with for this whole thing, and what the ins covers. I know the drugs fall under our script plan so that will help, but I am not sure just what we will have to pay 50% of... oh well, I didn't think to get it the other day because I was so upset at the time, and I wasn't sure Clark would want to do IVF. Sooooo I am off to bed to get some much needed sleep!!!

Post Op appointment....

I know it has been awhile, but after surgery I was in a lot of pain, and not feeling well most of the time, so I did alot of sleeping, and being miserable!! I went to my post-op appointment today, and was blown away by what the RE told me. She said that she was literally shocked when she got in my tummy to see all of the scar tissue that was there, here is the list of what she found:

1. My colon was totally attached to my abdominal wall.

2. There was the cyst on the left ovary.

3. My left ovary, tube, and the left side of my uterus were attached to my bowel and left kidney, and were pulling off to that side because of it.

4. My bladder was covered with scar tissue to the point that it had almost folded in half.

5. I have stage 3 endomitriosis all over my uterus, bowels, bladder, and a little on the ovaries.

6. My right ovary was attached to my liver, and is also deformed. There was also scar tissue binding my right tube to my bladder.

7. I had superfluous fluid all over my abdoman from the endomitriosis (not a good thing) so that is the fluid that we were seeing on u/s, she said there was alot of it.

So, that is the breakdown, bad news all the way around really. I asked her if the scar tissue will come back, and she said it isn't a matter of if, it is a matter of when and how bad it will be the next time, so I guess that I have a few more of these little surgeries to look forward to!! GREAT!!! NOT!!! Oh yeah and the failed hysteroscopy didn't have anything to do with me or her, they had one scope that leaked when she hooked it up, and then when they pulled the other one out of the autoclave it was the wrong one, so she said that due to the scarring she decided that there wasn't a point in looking anyway, so she scratched that. I have had two good looking HSG's anyway, so she didn't feel like it was the inner working, but the outer ones (scarring , etc.) that were the issue. So the new gameplan is not what I wanted to hear either:

1. Injectibles with IUI

2. IVF

She told me to talk it over with Clark, and let her know as soon as we decided. We are gonna skip the next cycle, and start with the one after that around November with whatever we decide to go with. I was not ready to hear that at all, and I am feeling even more like a failure now. My mom told me that she had Endo when they took her ovaries out last year, and I can't help but wonder if this is just one more thing that I got from her... don't get me wrong, I LOVE my mom, but everytime something goes wrong, it seems like it is something that I "got" from her, and frankly it is getting on my damn nerves!!!

I just can't help but feel like I can't get kicked any further down then where I am at right this moment. I really am freaking hating this whole thing, and I can't stop beating myself up over it! Why can I not catch a damn break??? UGH!!

Well, on another note, I quit smoking today, I had my last smoke tonight, and I am wearing a patch that is burning the shit out of me!!! Oh well, gotta get it right this time, and I will even if it kills me!! I have done it before, but I always fall on my face when I get around my friends that smoke... I have no will power!!! LOL

Kent started back to school on the 25th, and is doing good so far. They didn't have school the 31st or the 1st due to the weather here, so the little turkey got a 5 day weekend!!! But he will have to go this Saturday!! Ha Ha!!! He has been doing better about getting in his stander, so that is better.

Oh yeah, and about the weather, good lord we got 17 inches of rain in a little over 48 hours!! There were times when it rained so bad and hard that we couldn't see the grass because of the water in the yard. It was horrible all over, and there were areas where it flooded so bad that people couldn't get out of thier houses til Sunday. I was here for Isabel, and it was a full fledged hurricane, and it wasn't as bad as this little tropical storm Mr. Ernesto!! The other end of our raod washed out, so now people have to drive to our end, and go back.... that makes it a 6 mile trek for them to get back into town!! So then, it starts raining again today and they had flash flood warnings all over the place, so it was a mess when I was coming home!! Boy what a day!!

Well, it is late, and I need to get some sleep, but I will post tomorrow, and tell you about my new furniture fiasco....

I got through it.....

Well, I got through the surgery, that was about the only positive thing of the day. I was scheduled to start at 2 PM, and they didn't get started until 3:30. I was getting very tired and cranky, not to mention I was STARVING and THIRSTY. The surgery in front of us went way over. When my RE finally came up, and we had a minute to talk, she said that she got a note about me having taken all of the pain killers that she gave me for after surgery, and I told her yes because I was in such terrible pain Wednesday through Sunday because I started bleeding on CD16, which was Wednesday, and the pain was HORRIBLE, so yeah I did take all 20 of the T-3 that she gave me ... although not all at once!! She asked me if this was the worst yet, and I told her yes it was, and she looked at me and said that she was getting really worried about what she was going to find in there. They came in a few minutes later to get me, slammed some stuff in the old IV, and off to NeverLand I went. I guess it took them 2 and 1/2 hours, and I was very stunned when Clark told me in the PACU that she got in to the Lap to find that I had severe adhesions all over in my abdomen and pelvis, so bad in fact that my right ovary was attached to my liver. She found a cyst almost twice the size of my ovary on the left side, and it was very infected, I have no idea why we didn't see that on u/s if it was so big, but that was the side where she was worried about the fluid behind the ovary. I had Endo all over, and my right ovary is deformed ... in her words it looked like a banana. I also swear I heard one of the nurses say that I had, had a failed Hysteroscopy, I don't know if I imagined it, or if it really was said, as I was just coming out from under the anesthesia when I heard that, so I will have to ask her. She didn't really go into detail with Clark I guess, but she did give him a ton of pictures, and from what I saw in them it was pretty bad. I don't have my post-op until the 5th of September, so the waiting begins again. I am very saddened by this whole thing as I feel like if I had not had my WLS then I wouldn't have had all the scarring, and I think she feels the same way as we had already talked about that before @ my pre-op, and it had actually come up to with my last RE 2 years ago. I just feel like all this is all my fault somehow, and I have sooooo much guilt right now. The best part of the whole day was when they brought Clark in, he walked right over and gave me the biggest kiss on the forehead, and whispered "I love you so much sweetie" in my ear..... that just made my day. When I got home Kent was still up, and he just started crying when he hugged me and said, "I am sooooo glad you are OK Mom." That was the second best part of the day!! I am feeling so so as I finish this. It is 1 AM and I am wide awake right now. The incisions hurt pretty bad, and I am very sore in my whole "tummy," but the meds are really helping. I had to put new bandages over the steri-strips when we got home because they were soaked with blood, and I had blood on my clothes, so we put a ton of gauze and more Band-Aids to make it through the night. She told Clark to expect me to be VERY sore internally the next few days due to all the work they did, so I am pretty glad that they gave me extra meds to come home with.

Finishing up....

Ok, so where was I??? Oh yeah I left off with the Fur Babies.....

The Home Front:
Well things over all are going Great here. Clark sold his Camero, and his motorcycle, and is working on the Escort now. He traded in his Amanti for a Kia Rio and he loves it. My mom was going to come out this summer, but Clark and I spent so much on vet bills that we told her to just not worry about it, airline tickets are to expensive anyway. We also had to scrap the porch because of the money that we had to shell out for the dogs, but I am totally ok with that. My dogs are like my kids, and I don't mind the money going to care for them at all. Clark's mom was also supposed to come out but she had to have surgery, and couldn't swing it, or didn't want to swing it, I think it is the second one, but that is just my opinion. When I told her that we were having trouble with Kent's behavior, was when she started changing her mind. Not that I mind her not coming here and judging me, my house, my animals, and my life in general, but it pisses me off for Kent because he was looking forward to meeting his other grandmother. I am sad for him, but I will never talk about how I feel about the whole thing in front of him. I really think that she just can't handle that she has a grandchild with a disability, and frankly it really pisses me off. She and I have never gotten along, and I think it drives her insane that I am still married to her son. Oh well, that is her problem huh??!!

My Biofather and step mother were going to come out this summer to... noticing a trend here?? I am... But, they are still coming they just had to move their trip back because of an ant issue at their house. The little buggers ate the wood all around their windows, so they had to have them all replaced. So for now my dad is working overtime, and saving back up to come out when it gets a little cooler, and I am hoping that maybe my youngest brother and his wife will come out with my niece when they do. I haven't seen them since last summer, and I miss them. Besides J is my only neice/nephew, and I want to see her grow up as much as I can. J (my middlebrother) is in Iraq right now, but he got accepted to Cheif Warrent Officer school to be a helicopter pilot, and I couldn't be more proud of him if I tried!! He and his new wife got stationed up in WA state, and then when he got there they told him that he had to go back to Iraq for months, but since he got in to school he will be home by the end of the month, God willing. I haven't met my new sister in law, but I hear that she is just an amazing person, and my mom told me that my brother seemed so very happy when they stopped to visit her on the way to WA. I am glad that he has found someone to really love him, compliment him, and make him happy, because he deserves it. She sent me a card with some pics of them and some of the family from the trip out to WA, and then the new house that they bought. He really does look a lot happier with her in the pictures... you know how you can see the happiness on a persons face, well it was there, and I am just giddy for the both of them.

The Me Front:
Well my meds have been increased to 60mgs per day because the last time I was in I told him I was still having problems with depression. I think, no I know that a lot of it has to do with the whole DSS thing, BTW I am still fighting them, the infertility, and the whole family dianamics stuff that is going on. Infertility is the biggie for me right now though, and I know that and accept it, although I am really hoping that tomorrow will give me some answers one way or the other, and I can get on with things. I have quite a few friends and family members who are in the process of ending their marriages, either on good terms, or bad, or struggling to keep it together. It makes me so sad to see this happen. I love all of my friends, and hate to see them going through this pain. It really seems so unfair to me that they can't all have perfect relationships, but then I guess there is no such thing. I just hate to see people I thought I knew doing such horrible things to the person that they promised to love forever. I know forever is a fairy tale, but hell I believe in fairy tales!! I look at all that Clark and I have, how far we have come, and the struggles that we have worked through, and I can't imagine not having had all of that wrapped up in one great experience. I love being married to him, and he gives me so much love and laughter that I can't ever imagine a day w/o him in it. He is just amazing to me this man who loves me, and holds me everynight. Kisses me as soon as he comes through the door, and does his best to deal with my moods!! God love him for that because I know I do!! LOL He really is my everything, I couldn't ask for much more, and I am thankful for everyday that I have with him. Ok, I am starting to get a little to mushy I know, but I guess having surgery tomorrow has gotten me thinking. I filled out my Living Will tonight, and I was just thinking about this stuff all day. I am just worried about something happening to one of us, and what the one left would have to do, and it really made me realize just how much I do love him. Through everything, I have always loved him.

Ok, off that subject. Yeah surgery is tomorrow, and I am worried, but I am sure everything will be fine, but I get so freaking trippy when I have to have surgery anymore. I know I am not invincible anymore!! LOL Not that I ever was, but you know the way when you were young you just knew nothing bad was going to ever happen to you?? Well, I think I lost that between now and when I had my Gastric Bypass 5 and 1/2 years ago. We have a son now, and I have so much more to live for that it just seem to have triggered a change in my way of thinking. Lord, there I go again..

Well, we hare supposed to have Kent's sister down to stay with us for the weekend, and both Kent and I are so excited. Her parents have split up, and I know that she just needs this time with him as much as he needs it with her. I don't know just what we are going to do yet, but I am going to try to make it great for both of them, so I hope that I feel better by the time Friday rolls around.

Oh yeah I almost forgot... Kent's dad sent us a letter in June I think. The man has found God, and wants to have contact with his son.... Nevermind the fact that he hasn't even tried to contact him for 3 years, and he had no idea that we had even adopted Kent. I wanted to call him and rip his throat out over the phone. The last time he had contact with Kent he was supposed to take him for the weekend, well henever showed up to get him, and then had his Mother (Kent's G-ma) call me and tell me that dad was mad because I turned him into DSS for drugs. Well of course I did, but that was like 3 months after he came to live with us, and this incident was almost 2 years later. That was the last we heard from either of them. Then all out of the blue this letter shows up... We were so mad at him(dad) that Clark and I had decided that we weren't going to say anything to Kent or call or contact his dad about the letter until both of us could calm down and be civil when we did talk to him. I just don't get how you can blow your child off for years, and then boom you want to walk back into his life like nothing ever happened. Some people I swear!! Don't get me wrong, I know that is his dad, but Clark is his FATHER. We are the ones who holds Kent when he cries, is sick, or needs us. We are the ones who have brought him to being the young man that he is, and I will not let that man ruin my son again. He already did that once, and I refuse to let him do it again. UGH

Well, I am gonna hit the sack, I have to get up early and starve for half of the day before I have surgery... I hate that it is so late in the day. I had to quit my Metformin last night, only to have my blood sugar drop this AM about 11:30, so I am hoping that it doesn't do that tomorrow to, cuz I won't be able to eat to bring it back up. Well, hopefully I will be back soon. Later