Trials and Tribulations

Ok, here it is Thursday, and I have been trying to get back for days....My new meds are reaking havoc on my system.. eat and sleep... the only two things that I have ANY interest in!! The sleep isn't that big of a deal, but the eating part is gonna drive me insane, 10 pounds in a week is NOT my idea of "mild weight gain". But I swore to myself that I am gonna stick this out, and I am!!! At least until I hit 20 pounds gained, then ALL BETS ARE OFF!! :o) So here is my week up til today...Monday: Boy I was hot on the phone today... called the Clinic, and no Dr. G isn't there anymore... damn I loved that guy, so I call the ins back ask if that is an issue.. nope just have to change to a doc that is there, I guess they fall under a "blanket" as long as they are a part of the practice, then I can see them !! WOOHOO, so I am proud to announce that I have an appointment to develop a "Difinative Game Plan" on the 15th of March!! I am going to see a doctor that I actually know as she was the one who did some of my tests the last time I was there, and she worked very closely with Dr. G on my case. So I am counting the days until I go back!! The only problem we may have is the "swimmer" testing... I remember what Dr. G wanted, and I am sure that Dr. B will want the same one, so now it is just a matter of getting it done right... if the Clinic does it in their lab we have to have a fertility referral for Clark. It is a more specialized test then just counting the little buggers... they actually LOOK at them for deformities, the direction they "swim", and how many of them are actually alive... bizarre I know, but hey I already know my Ovaries are on the blink, so I don't think that this test will make much of a difference, but it will be nice to know, and get it out of the way!! The only problem is how the test is ordered, if the Jones does it we will have to do the referral, but if our PCP orders it, and LabCorp will do it then we won't have to juggle paperwork. I am just hoping that we will get everything we need to get a green light from the ins. company. I already know that if everything is ok with the "Boys" then I will be having surgery, just routine to take a look see and check to make sure there isn't something other then the PCOS goingon in there, and it will be done laproscopicaly, so not a big deal at all. So that is all for now on the infertility front. Tuesday I had an appointment with my new therapist, and it went well. I am still struggling with the new meds, and I let her know that. I felt like a blathering Idiot when I was there though cuz I took the AM dose before I went to see her, and I SWEAR I had to have sounded like I was HIGH!! I so hope that she doesn't think I was, and I am going to explain that to her when I see her again... not a good way to start out with her huh??!! LOL The only thing was I had already had a bad day by the time I went to see her, so when she asked me about major loses in the family that have affected me, I started crying and told her yes, my Grandmother, I really do miss her more then words can say!! I was in a very vulnerable spot and wasn't expecting that question at all... so it knocked me down a peg!! I really like her though, and I think that she is going to be great for me! After I left there I went and had lunch with my sweetie pie... you know Clark!! :o) I always enjoy our time alone, and he just has this way of making things all better!! Besides I LOVE those hugs, and there is NO better antidote for a tuff day!! It was just a quiet night after all that though. Wednesday: Was a quiet day, Clark was sick, but still went in for half of the day... since he will be gone for 2 weeks he doesn't want to leave everyone else with a ton of work to do... isn't he just to sweet??? I am so gonna miss him!! So here it is Thursday morning, and I have been working at this entry forever... having a little bit of a Cyber War with some really intelligent (HA HA) people about raising special needs kids, and foster/adopt kids... boy there are some seriously nasty people in this world...On another note it is supposed to be nice here this weekend, so I have been INFORMED that we will be doing yard work this weekend... UGH not that I mind the mowing, it is the picking up all the crap the dogs have drug around the yard all winter that I am not looking forward to!! Not to mention that I would love to just lay around and cuddle with Clark before he abandons me!! So I am off to find out what things that used to be in the house made their way out of the house, and will be on the way to the dump this weekend!!! So I will be back later to let you know how this day went!! :o)

Have you Ever....

Have you ever wondered what the true purpose of your life is??? I have been thinking a lot about that lately, and cannot seem to come up with a solid answer that makes any real sense to me!! I guess some people say they are here for the accomplishments they will make with their jobs, families, politics, etc. I am not the type to try to change the world... I have a hard enough time trying to change my mind about dinner most days. I wish I could say that I was here to make a difference in Kent's life, but somehow I think that he will be a great man regardless. I hope that makes sense. I would like to think that I am here to bring something to Clark's life, and in a way I guess I have, but I think he would have done great w/o me to.... so that leaves me right back where I started!! I guess I am looking for that one life changing, life impacting, important enough to really affect someone's life, and that leads me to the big problem with me.... the fact that the only change that I can REALLY and Truly impart in this world is to bring forth another life.... UGH but here in lies the problem... those ever so reluctant ovaries. I am getting to my point... I got my referral letter and it says we are approved for one visit.... hmm ok, so we spent the last 2 years fighting with our ins. for one flipping visit?? It gets better, this visit has to be done their way... they want a "Game Plan" I already gave them the last copy from the last time I had ONE visit, and I guess the argument I made about not forcing us to have two semen analysis' got through, cuz now they want just the one. LOL chalk one up for me!! My biggest concern is wether my old doc is still there, last I heard he was going to CA, then I heard something else, so I wonder who I am going to get if not him.... at least they will have all my old records. So tomorrow morning first thing I am going to call the Jones Inst. and see how fast they can get me in as the referal is only good until the 23rd of April, and Clark leaves the 12th for GA... another sore point these days!! So today I get my biggest hurdle of all.... Clark... He informs me that he thinks he is TO OLD to become a dad to a newborn... LOL 33, and he feels to old?? I guess he forgot that We wanted a baby YEARS ago, and never imagined that it was gonna take us quite this long!! Boy if it isn't one ofus having doubts it's the other one!! I just pray that his "guys" are healthy and ready for what is to come!! :o)I start seeing my new therapist this week, and I hope that she will be good for me, as I need someone I can really feel comfortable with right now, and the new meds that the Psych put me on are driving me NUTS :o) I am just having a hard time adjusting that is all, but still finding out that I haven't been treated properly for at least 8 years has really made me wonder about what I could have done with myself in all of that time. Luck of the draw I guess, but now hopefully it is gonna be right, and I can finally start really living!!I have to say that I am honestly not looking forward to having Clark gone for two weeks as I am going to miss him terribly. The dogs are gonna be so lost w/o their daddy to, so that will be tuff.... Bella is his girl, and I don't think she is gonna take it well at all!! How sad is it that I worry how his absence will affect the dogs badly!! LOL I may have to get them all on sedatives for 2 weeks!! Guess I will have to wait and see huh??Well I guess I am done rambling for the night, I am doing laundry, and getting the last of the laundry done while typing this, and I need to get my meds in for the night and hit the sack after this load gets done drying... For some reason this entry doesn't seem as profound as I thought it was going to be...

First day of the rest of my Life....

Well yesterday I got our referal letter from the insurance company back to the Jones Ins. for fertility treatments. The letter has come with mixed feelings and emotions to say the least!! The problems with Kent's behavior have made me doubt wether or not I want a biological child. I just get scared when it is in writing to now, because I am older then I was when we first started trying, and I have seen quite a few friends nearer my age have a lot of issues with pregnancy. I am going to try to be as brutally honest as I can here in this journal about a lot of things, and I plan on being very open to any comments as long as they aren't outright threatening or attacking me!! If you get a link to my journal and don't want to read it then don't!! his is going to be all about Me, Clark, Kent and our lives together!! So be prepared for honesty!!

Update...

Well, it has been a busy 2 weeks here, so I wanted to pop in now that I have a minute, and update some....

Kent has gone back to school, and is having fun being in the 7th grade. He got his reading diagnostic's test back, and this child of mine who just 2 and 1/2 years ago thought reading was retarded scored 12.9+!!!! That means he has a reading level above a high school graduate!!! Holy Cow!!! I am so totally proud of him, infact this week he checked out "The Count of Monte Cristo", and told me this AM that it is the best book he has ever read... go figure, my kid LOVES the classics!!! He is still "grounded", but he did help with yard work this past weekend to earn some TV/Video game time, and he actually spent some of that time reading. I am just so over joyed that he seems to be finally getting it about school and grades. He is still having a hard time following his "schedual" for personal care, so he has to stay grounded til he gets it, but giving him stuff to do to earn time with his tv and stuff seems to be working a little... We will see how it goes....

One of the other reasons I have been so busy is that BB had to have heartworm treament, and we brought her home on the 1st, and she was a little out of it, and was sorta swollen on her right side, but they told me that was normal. Friday I had to call the vet cuz the swelling got a little worse, he told me to give her some Rimadil, and keep an eye on her. Saturday and Sunday the swelling got worse and worse I mean she literally looked like a hunch back, and she wasn't even able to whine enough to wake us up to let her out, so she pottied on the floor... well on Monday (Labor Day), I noticed that her teeth were chattering and it was pretty warm here.. about 80, and she was hardly walking at all. I couldn't get her to eat unless it was canned puppy food, and I had to put it in my hand to get her to eat it. By Monday night she was looking even worse, and I could tell she was HOT, I brought her in the house, put her in a kennel, and turned a fan on her. By midnight she wanted out, and since it was pretty cool I let her go back out. Tuesday AM when I got up, she looked so bad I just knew I had to take her in. I called the vet, and they told me to be there at 12. So at about 11 I started getting her ready to go, and she was so lethargic she was stumbling like she was drunk, and she was having a lot of trouble breathing. She wouldn't get in the van on her own, and when I put her in, she just layed right down... not like her at all, that girl LOVES to go for rides. By the time I got her to the vet she was gasping for air, and wouldn't move on her own at all. When we went in the office, she just fell out right on the floor. They rushed her back to a room, and about 10 minutes later the vet comes out to show me that tehy pulled 10cc's out of the hump on her back. He told me that she had gotten an abcess, and that her fever was 105.9. I just started bawling, and he told me that they wanted to keep her, put her on anitbiotics, and give her fluids because she was really dehydrated. So I left her there, and called them about 5 to check up on her, they told me her fever was coming down, but they were going to try to get more out of the abcess. The next morning I called, and he told me that he got an additional 20 cc's out the night before whe they drained it, and that he still wanted to keep her one more night. Well the office closes early on wenesdays ( 1 PM), and about 4:30 the vet calls me and tells me that she was going down hill fast, not moving her right leg, and not getting up at all, so he wanted to cut into the spot and put a drain in it. Well, a little after 6 he called me and told me that they got over a cup of fluid out of it, and that it was one big one and about 10 little ones around it. He also told me that they were filled with gas so when he popped them, they let the stuff out, and it smelled horrid, they also got some fibrous tissue lumps out of it that were pretty big.... YUCKY!!! He put 3 drain tubes in her hip, and I went to see her Thursday, and she looked so sad. I went up because they couldn't get her to eat, and they thought if I tried maybe she would eat for me. She did, but not that much. I have to tell ya it was breaking my damn heart to see her like that... So, the vet and I talked, and decided that it was best if she stayed with them until the drains came out so that our other dogs wouldn't bother her to much, so she gets to come home today if all goes well with the drain removal. I have to say that I was pretty pissed about this whole thing and they know it to. See I expected them to shave her where they had to do the injections (they do one on each hip that go all the way through the muscle to right next to the spine) and I told them when I dropped her off that she had gotten out that weekend, and had been in the swamp, and I hadn't had a chance to bath her. So I was a little supprised when went to get her, and all they had done was pour surgical scrub on her and then did the injections. I KNOW that is what caused this abcess, she was full of germs from playing in the swamp, and then they pump all that poison into her, and I can almost put money that she got some sort of bacteria off the needle since the abcess was under the muscle, and right near her spine. Needless to say all I am going to have to pay for is the meds, and they decided to start shaving and then scrubing the dogs getting this treatment from now on. Go figure, it takes my dog almost dying for them to change something like that. The vet told me he had never seen anything like that happening before, ahh hence my name change to "Murphy"!! LOL I will be so happy to have her back, and all the other pups miss her to!!

As far as I go, I did some research, and decided to try a Soy cycle this month, just to see what happens. It is supposed to behave like Clomid when you take it, so we will see... I have been noticing some "talking" between my ovaries the last 3 days since I stopped the soy, so I will just have to wait and see. I am going in to see my PCP for my yearly work up, and there are a few things I am going to ask her to do... one is check my thyroid, because it has been sorta high, normal, but on the high end of normal, and when I was going through my records, I noticed several times that it was over 3, and since that is the new high, I think there is something to it... that would also explain sooo many other things that have gone on with my body in the last almost 18 years, so I am really going to push the issue. I found my old Infertility records, so I am going to drop those off to her so that she can look at them and add that info to my letter to the ins. co. I really hope that this cycle with the soy will work, but if not I am going to keep doing it til I get back into the RE.

Well, I have a ton of stuff to do today... trying to get ready for Ms. Ophelia to make her landfall, so have to pick up the yard and all that fun crap... UGH that is the only part I hate about living here!!! I hope we are still here in a few days... God knows we need the rain, but not the 15 freaking inches they are calling for!! So, I am off for now.....

Update....

At the end of the Day...

Well, I have to report the good news first... My lumps weren't cancer!!! YEAH!!! So that was the biggest load off my shoulders. They are just going to leave the big one and keep an eye on it. I started taking B-6 and Vit. E this week because they say that really helps with Fibrocystic Breast Disease, so I am gonna give it a shot and see how it goes.

Now for the bad part... I decided that if I din't have cancer that I wanted to try to go back to doing some infertility treatments, I had talked to Clark about it the last few days, and he told me that we didn't have the money to adopt, but he never said that he wasn't wanting to try again. So after she told me the results, I told her that we wanted to try again, and we chatted about it, then she asked why we were thinking about it again, and I said because Clark told me he didn't want a Guataumlian baby (jokingly) and he looked right at the doc and says "I don't want anymore kids, I have one now, and besides those treatments aren't ever going to work anyway" I was BLOWN away. He was totally serious to. I just ended up asking her if she could get my records anyway, and help me fight with the ins. company, and she said that she would, but that she didn't think it looked good. Just what I wanted to hear... four months of waiting for the kids, they get ripped out from under me, not having the money to adopt internationally, and now this.. Makes me wonder if I am ever going to be a "mom" again. I mean yes we have Kent, and I love him dearly, but I didn't give birth to him, and I am totally begining to feel like he is the only child I am ever going to have.

I talked to our adoption worker today, and she told me one of the reasons that we may not have gotten the kids is a new program they put into affect called Pathways to Permanancy... it basically states that the children have to be placed as close to the home agency as possible, and MUST remain in the same school that they were already in. Well, since we live out of state, and I cannot drive an hour and a half twice a day, we don't live there anymore, basically me getting a call from them for any children is never gonna happen. I really wish they had told me before now so that I wouldn't even have gotten worked up about anything. So, that option is out, and the DSS option for us here is to as we don't have the time for the classes. When I got home today there were 6 rejection letters from the adoption agencies that we had applied to. So at that point I just started bawling. I mean geez, is it to much to ask to want to have a house full of kids mine or otherwise?? I feel like I have hit the end of my rope. If my PCP can't help me with the ins. company, then we are done, all the way around, finished. I have to admit that my heart is in a perpetual state of brokenness right now, and I am not sure if it will ever heal. I guess it is just time to "Move On" and "Get Over It" as so many of my online and RL friends seem to keep telling me... ahh but alas, they all have kids... go figure!!

Well, I am gonna go drown my sorrows, and maybe feel better in the morning... although I doubt it, I am gonna give it a try!! Good Night