The Universe....

As I sit here contimplating the fate of the Universe.... (Note to self... Bad idea when consuming Bacardi 151) I am hating life in general today..... I spoke before about the sibling group that we were waiting on well today this happened....

You know after Friday's doctor appointment I just new nothing else could go wrong in my life... I was SOOO WRONG. After calling and leaving 5 messages for the worker of the sib group that were are waiting to get, I asked our Adoption worker to hunt her down and ask her to call me. They are going to court on Wensday, and I was going to be up that way already, so I thought I might tag along with her to see what the judge decides to do. Well, 15 minutes after I get off the phone with my worker, the kids' worker calls me and tell me this... "I have been meaning to call you" she asked how I was and I told her briefly about Friday, and why I was calling, so then she proceeds to tell me this... "Well, I hate to tell you this, but you don't meed to come to court, and you won't be getting the kids. We decided that we need to keep them instate to better deal with their needs, and frankly, the fact that you live in another state has pretty much put you out of the running for any other foster kids from here. We have found an appropriate home for all 3 of the kids together, the family has agreed to take them, and they have already signed the placement agreement." I was so dumbfounded I just said ok well what do you want me to do with all of the stuff that has been donated to us for them?? I know that you said they didn't have much. She tells me almost rudely "Well I am sure there are resources there in your state that could use them, but if you INSIST on bringing them up, I will make sure the kids get them. Again, I am sorry to have to tell you this, I have to go, have a nice day."

END OF FREAKING CONVERSATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you even believe this crap?? I mean I have literally had my life on hold for over a month waiting for the 24th, and it takes at least 2 weeks to do a placement agreement, so why did they wait until this morning, after I had someone chase her ass down, to call and tell me this??? I am so done with that agency that I left a message for the department head to call me, and I am going to tell her that I no longer want to foster any of their kids EVER. This is the 3rd time in the last 3 months they have pulled this crap on me, and I am so done with it. I would rather do IF treatments for the rest of my natural life and have all of them fail, then to have to go through another day like today again. I am going to make some phone calls as to the legality of what they have done to, and even if I can't get them on legality, I may go for morality. Every one of those workers in that office knows what we have been through with Kent, and IF, and this is like a slap in the damn face. I am so mad and broken hearted, I spent most of this afternoon crying on the phone with Clark... How can they do this to me??? Sorry I am just so upset right now I am literally sick to my stomach. I hope I didn't offend anyone, but I just HAD to get that all off my chest!!!

First off let me explain the friday appointment... in short my PCP thinks that I have Breast Cancer, and I go in on the 25th for a diagnostic Mammogram, and ultrasound with asperation, and I am scared out of my wits, so then this crap happens today, and not to mention that I found out one of my sweet Furries has Heart Worms last wensday to.

So needless to say I have had a crappy week, and I am really hating life in general right now, I mean if I was a little less of a person I would think that maybe God has it out for me, and to tell you the truth my heart is begining to lean in this general direction. I mean isn't it bad enough that I am infertile?? I hope that in the end I will look back at this day and laugh, but I hardly think that is going to happen... what have I done that is so freaking bad that I have to have all this shit in my life?? I would like to think that I have lived my life as the Man would want, but still I get kicked every single time I am down... what is up with that?? I just feel like right now I cannot catch a break, and I am very frankly getting sick of it... say a little prayer for me because I am not sure I have the strength left for this!!!

Been Busy...

Well, I have had a ruff 2 weeks. We can't adopt from Korea, and we decided to go with Guatumaula instead, well I had to go to DSS the day after we decided this, and one of the workers that I had spoken to in April about foster/adopting a sibling group of 3 came up to me, and told me that they were removing the kids that coming friday. Well, I go home freaking out cuz it is tuesday and I only have 4 days to get ready for them. I called all of my friends, and stuff came rolling in. The worker told me that she didn't think the kids had much in the way of clothes or toys, so I now have a room full of stuff, and it was 2 weeks today... and needless to say I have no kids. The woman that they are living with has been whining for months that she wanted the kids removed, and CPS got a call from the birth family that the little boy had burns all over him, well when they went to look at them, they took the kids to the local childrens hospital, and come to find out along with the burns they all had infected flea bites. So CPS was trying to get her to sign the kids over voluntarily, by kinda scaring her with the the fact that depending on how the investigation went that she may even lose her kids. Well now she has decided that she wants to keep them... go freaking figure!! So I have to hang out and wait for August 24th when they actaully go to court. They have already started our interstate papers, so that is good. The worker says that she really wants us to ultimately adopt these kids, and while I would love to, I have been through almost 4 years of hell with Kent as far as the adoption process goes, so I will keep breathing if you know what I mean. So, our lives right now as far as the international adoption is in a holding pattern. I was really devistated when she called me though, and to be honest with you it has taken me this long to sorta bounce back. I guess it was so hard on me because that was the 3rd time in a month that they had told me that they had a kid for us, and then had to back out. The one before the 3, they didn't even call to tell me that the mom of a new born boy that they called me about had changed her mind in the middle of the night. I have to tell you it is really stressful dealing with DSS sometimes. I know that they have their rules, and the goal of the agency is for family reunification, but why do they have to yank the foster parents around so damn much. UGH. So I have been filling my time with yardwork, and feeling sorry for myself. I want to get a job, but then I would hate to have to quit if we do get the kids, so I have been holding off on that one for now. I am also thinking of starting to sell an idea that I had on EBay, so just incase we go on with our international adoption, I will fund it that way, along with some savings.

Other then that, Kent is still grounded, and refuses to comply with the rules that we had for him to get off, so he will stay grounded until he can get it together. I know that might seem a little hard, but these are things that we have been working on since we have had him. He knows the rules, and refuses to follow them, so that is the consequence. He goes back to school on the 25th, and that will be kinda nice!! I know that he is looking forward to going back, and has already talked about how he is going to have to work hard this year to maintain his honor roll. I am so proud of how far he has come since we have had him, that I could just cry. I really think that he is going to do something with his life other then sit and feel sorry for himself all day long. It is so nice to know that as foster parents that we have done something right since you hear sooo many horror stories about foster families, and how they treat the kids they care for, but there are good foster families out there who really love the kids that they care for!! I even saw the Montel show today, and it was about horrible foster homes... I really didn't like that show at all, and I admire him so very much. I know that there are families out there who do those things, but what about a show to let people know about the amazing families out there?? Oh well, I guess I just see things differently the some people.

Well, I guess that is it for tonight, I am going to go have a little night cap, and get ready for the weekend.... more yardwork if it doesn't rain tomorrow, and we are gonna hit the Bull Bash in town tomorrow night if it stays nice.

Been that long???

Wow I really didn't think it had been that long!!! Holy Cow!!! Well school is done. I passed. California is done. It SUCKED. Kent and I just got back from 2 weeks with my family in the midwest. It REALLY SUCKED!! Now I think I know why I am infertile.... God can't find a soul up there brave enough to take that bunch of lunatics on!! It was pretty hard on me because both of my brothers are on my shit list now, and for totally different reasons. I have mixed feelings about the words that have been exchanged, and they both really know how to totally distroy my heart. I went out mostly to spend time with my mother as she is going to have surgery soon to remove some ovarian tumors, and I think that there is a very good chance that she has cancer, but she on the other hand refuses to even admit that there is a chance that it what it is. She actually should have had surgery weeks ago, but she refuses to do it until her business slows down for the fall. I tink that she is being totally selfish, and not even really condidering what her husband and her kids are going through while she takes her sweet time going in. I mean this is the woman who harped on me EVERY single time there was a test or anything that I needed medically, and now she won't even live by the same rules. I guess I just get so totally frusterated!!

So any way, the good thing about my trip was that I got a lot closer to my step mom, and I totally realize how hard it must be for her to be in a country so far away from her family. She is from Korea, and I think she is a very amazing woman... especially since she has put up with my father for so many years. I was angry at a lot of my extended family sinece for the most part none of them would have anything to do with her. Made me pretty sick to admit that I was related to them. She even went out of her way to make a very special meal for them, and most of them wouldn't even eat it. I guess that they all just showed me why I was ok with the fact that it had been 10 years or more since I had seen most of them... and probably will be 10 or more til the next time. I also didn't much care for the way that they treated Kent... it wasn't blatent, but I saw it when they left him out, and he was sitting away from all of them, it was almost like they thought they were gonna get something and endup in a wheelchair if they got to close. SAD :o( He and I had a few close moments, some stressful ones to, but for the most part this was a better trip as far as our rlationship was concerned!! It was nice to hear him say that he loved Clark and I and that he wouldn't have the life that he has if it wasn't for us... but he was right back to the same old kid as soon as we got home, and he is already grounded!! Didn't take long.

On a side note... mostly cuz I don't want to get to excited... my step mother has decided that she is going to enlist her family in Korea to try to help us adopt a little girl. I don't know what she is up to, and how long it will take, but in the years I have been dealing with DSS I have learned to have the patients of a SAINT!! So right now I am just going to apply for a passport, and sit back and roll with the punches. We should be done with our adoption with Kent in the next month or so, that will be a weight off my shoulders. It has really been a very long time coming, so it will be very nice to have it done and over with so that we can get on with our lives!!

I have been sick since we got back from our trip... actually most of the time that I was gone to, and it just has gotten worse. so this will be it for tonight, I won't even say that I am going to try to update more, cuz that seems to be a bad idea!! I really do think that I am going to try to use this as more of an outlet to put my feelings on paper so to speak, mostly because I don't get such a mixed bag of nasty opinions in return about how I deal with things in my life!! Have a great night!!

Nother day....

Well, work is going fine. I am going to try to take the CNA classes during the day now since I am not getting to many hours at work. I love doing home health though, so that doesn't really matter. I am going to start getting on the eliptical in the mornings, I need to get rid of some of the junk in my trunk before I go to California in May. I am going out there for the National Foster Parent Conference the 7th-14th, and I am really looking forward to it!! One week of not having to deal with hubby, kid, and dogs will be nice... although by the second night I am missing the hell out of them!!

I guess our adoption is moving right along, and I am really having mixed feelings about the whole thing to tell you the truth, I am scared that we will officially be parents, but then I worry that this is the only child I may ever have, so it has been fun being in my head lately. I worry that I will screw something up with him, or that I won't love him the way he deserves, or that I will even feel the love for him that every child deserves. I do love him, but it is one of those comfortable loves, almost like you have for a pet, but then my animals are like my kids so that might not be to valid. I just think somedays that I am making a mistake. I have so many feelings about this whole thing that I confuse myself most days. I mean once those papers are signed, he is ours, and there is no going back from that, even though I don't think I could ever do it anyway, there would be no worker to help me, or DSS if things got so bad that we had to give him up. Oh geez the things that are different when you have an older child that your adopting. I don't think that I would go through half of the emotions and thoughts that I am having if we were adopting a newborn or toddler, and I feel so guilty about that. See I told you it was fun in here!!! Good grief!!

Snickers is getting pretty bad with her hips, and I had to take her to the vet this am for more x-rays and some blood work, to see if she really has Lupus like they think. She has lost a lot of weight, and actually walks more on her front legs then her back ones, so I am pretty worried that she is getting to the point where we might have to think about putting herdown. Although that makes me very sad, I think it is the best thing for her, and the only thing is timing. She is Clark's baby, and I know that it kills him every day to see her in so much pain, and he can't bear to let her go yet, so we will see today what the vet says about how bad the hips have gotten, and go from there. P went with me and barfed all over the van, so I had to clean that up, but she weighed in at 50 pounds this time, and today she is 20 weeks old. She is so smart I just love it!! All of the other dogs are doing fine, BB ripped the pad on one of her feet, and I had to tend to that, but the rest of them are staying healthy, which is nice on my wallet!!

Well, off to the eliptical, and then to work... Later....

Time Flies....

Well, I know it seems like everytime I say I am going to get here more I seem to fade out, but I have really been busy with work!! I have had some very strange patients, but now I just have 2 that are 3 hours apiece, so that will leave me an hour for lunch, and be done early enough to get Kent off the bus everyday! Snickers has been getting worse everyday, and has been diagnosed with Lupus, so there will be some vet visits in our future. All the other animals seem to be doing great, and the P is growing like a weed!! she is 49 pounds already, and was 19 weeks old on Monday, she is the love of my life, and such a cutie that it has been a riot to watch her grow everyday!! She is so smart and fun!!

Our adoption homestudy was the 28th of January, and everything went great, so now hopefully this thing will move a little faster!! I am getting antsy, and yet still have a lot of mixed feelings about this whole thing... does that sound weird?? It just seems that I started to second guess myself now that it is getting closer... ugh I hate this stuff!!! Oh well, I hope that Clark remembers Valentines Day, and gets me something sweet!! I am gonna get him and Kent something this weekend. Oh well I have to work early, so I am gonna head out!!