I am so pissed off!!!!

I have been going over the whole dental issue in my brain, and I had some thoughts so I Googled it, and this is what I found... Infertility Treatment and Oral Health. Take a minute and go read the article then come back.....

So, do you see where I am going with this?? I pounded out an e-mail to my RE and got a response back within the hour. Yeah she thinks it is plausible. She told me to get the teeth fixed and then we could talk.

Talk about what?? The fact that I just blew my wad on 3 IVF's and an FET, which probably failed because I had a massively fucked up mouth that no one at my old dentists office decided to tell me about??

I am not mad at my RE so don't get me wrong, but I am so full of anger right now that I literally almost got in my car and drove up there to confront them(the old dentist). The new dentist told me that the decay was there last January, according to the x-rays that the old office gave me, and they should have let me know about it then, but no one mentioned it to me at all.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Changes....

The first one is with the blog... I hope you like the new look, I was bored with the way that it was, and I needed something a little more me. I love this layout, the colors calm me, and it seems to just fit who I am.

I left Kent at the Rehab hospital yesterday. It was hard, but honestly not in the way that you are going to assume it was. He needs to be there, he really needs to be there. It was hard for me because it took me back to when I was 14. I had attempted suicide and was admitted to a psych hospital. The rooms on his current unit are stark and bare, and it is locked. It took me back to those days when I walked into a room just like that, and I knew at that moment that I was safe. My sadness also was for him because I don't think it had that kind of affect on him, He accused me yesterday of blackmailing him into being there. My response was that he had two choices given to him and he chose this one, so how he say that as blackmail was unfair to us. He mad me cry when he told the p-doc that we were just blaming all of our problems on him because that was unfair also. This whole deal with him has affected me very deeply because he is MY child, and I never imagined 8 years ago when he came to live with us that things would turn out this way. I had so much hope for him and us as a new family. However there are some things that I just cannot fix for him, and it is time that he learns how to fix those things for himself.

The Hospital is in a very beautiful place, and is really very nice. The staff were very nice to me even though he was not. When I went to leave, just 50 feet from where I was parked there were 20 deer grazing in the fields surrounding the campus. I really felt at peace when I saw that, and it made me smile a little to know that nature and people were going to touch him in this place. I pray that he will be on his way to where he needs to be when he is done with their program.

I was hurt a little tonight because he didn't call us, and I am not sure if it was that he was not allowed, or he just chose not to. I hope that it was because he was not allowed... the first option will really hurt me.

So that is my last 24 hours in a nutshell, and I had a hard day emotionally. Things the last few weeks have been building with all that has been going on. Keith, Lauryn and I are all pretty sick, so I cried some tears today when everything hit me. I just really need him to be OK, and the rest of us to.

Hugs to all of you tonight as I will hopefully finally get some much needed sleep! Goodnight blog land.

Erica

Two Years of Turtle

By the time that most of you read this the minute of her birth will have passed. 8:28 PM. Two years ago exactly, tonight, 1-17-08, Lauryn (Turtle) was born. After so many years, so many prayers, so much trying, she finally joined us here in this world. This wonderful little miracle saved me. I have cried so many tears since the day we found she was on her way to join us, but they have been tears of Joy. I know that I will spend the rest of my days shedding tears for just the same reason. This little girl is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I could not love her more!!!

Here she is in pictures.....

Seven Weeks Pg....

Our 13th anniversary and the day we saw that wonderful heartbeat!

32 Weeks Pg....

January 17th 2008... 3 minutes old... Look at that conehead!!!

January 18, 2008.... Hospital picture.

3 Months....

6 Months....

9 Months....

1 Year....

18 Months....

Taken last night at her Birthday Party 1-16-10

Not a Moment to Soon

I was standing at the end of my rainbow

With nowhere to go and no pot of gold in sight

All my wishes were just way too much to hope for

But when I saw you I knew I'd seen the light

And not a moment too soon

Without a minute to spare

You touched my heart

When I didn't have a prayer

In my darkest hour

With my world filled with gloom

Your sweet love saved me

Not a moment too soon

I used to think that love would never find me

And the one who cares was lost somewhere in time

But when you found me I knew I'd found forever

You rescued me just before I crossed the line

And not a moment too soon

Without a minute to spare

You touched my heart

When I didn't have a prayer

In my darkest hour

With my world filled with gloom

Your sweet love saved me

Not a moment too soon

Your sweet love saved me

Not a moment too soon

Not a moment too soon

"Tim McGraw"

My Little Girl

Gotta hold on easy as I let you go

Gonna tell you how much I love you

Though you think you already know

I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm

You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born

You're beautiful baby from the outside in

Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again

Go on, take on this whole world

But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

When you were in trouble that crooked little smile could melt my heart of stone

Now look at you, I've turned around and you've almost grown

Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I Love You" in the moonlight at your door

As I walk away, I hear you say, "Daddy Love You More"

You're beautiful baby from the outside in

Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again

Go on, take on this whole world

But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand

But I won't say "yes" to him unless I know, he's the half

That makes you whole, he has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man

I know he'll say that he's in love

But between you and meHe won't be good enough

Your beautiful baby from the outside in

Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again

Go on, take on this whole world

But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

"Tim McGraw"

So Many Things... even less time...

Gah this week has been a nightmare...



I had a dental appointment on Wednesday at which I was informed that I need drastic, drastic dental work... to the tune of 25 grand... yeah I will give you a minute, cuz I needed more then that. They actually gave me 3 estimates, the cheapest being 8 grand, so any way I look at it, I am looking at having to take out a loan for dental work. Or, I can go this route... tear them all out and get dentures. I was as shocked as I could be that I had this much going on with my teeth, as I saw a dentist regularly and they never gave me any indication there were this many issues. As of Wednesday, I had 7 abscessed teeth that needed root canals, and he really thinks that I need to crown those and every other tooth I have left. I have super thin enamel, severe decay, and now the abscesses. I have gone over this every way to sunshine, and I am honestly leaning towards dentures... yeah 36 and getting dentures, ain't life grand??



I have spent a lot of time on the phone this week because Kent will be going to the Rehab hospital. We found out Monday that our insurance denied his stay, but Tuesday got the call that medicaid will pay for it. Wednesday I was in a conference call with the admissions people to get some clarification on a few things. That night they also wanted to speak to Kent to be sure that he understood what they were going to ask of him, not to mention to make sure that he was truly serious about going there and working the program. Today I again spent a long time on the phone with them making sure that our list of things to bring was in fact what we really needed. It has been more stressful since we found out he was going then in the whole time leading up to this week!! I had to have a long talk with him about how he felt about leaving, and what he was expecting to get out of this whole thing. He is of course 18 and his primary worry was how his friends were going to treat him when he returned. I understand where he is coming from, but I told him that his friends, if they were true friends, would be there for him when he came home no matter what. I think his concern is that everyone thinks he is going to a nuthouse or something, so I told him that he needs to tell him where he is going, and that it is a place to make him more independent. He has so many more obstacles then a typical teen, however, he doesn't see that. I think it is good that he sees himself as normal, but he really takes it to the far left, and refuses to say that he is physically disabled. UGH.

Keith has been working long hours due to the earthquake in Haiti. He works at the Naval Hospital, and does procurement and shipping of said procured goods, and right now it is all about the relief effort down there. So, as a result may miss Lauryn's birthday party tomorrow night. He told me he is really going to try to be there, but he can't promise. I am so heartbroken for him over this because even though it is just one birthday in many, it may be the only second birthday we get to have with a child of ours.

So that has been the other thing... Little Miss Turtle will be 2 years old on Sunday!! All I can do is sit and say Wow to myself like every 2 hours. She has changed and grown so much. Not to mention the fact that we have BodySlammed into the "Terrible Two's". She has been a bear the last few days, screaming at me, crying, throwing stuff, hitting me, and literally holding onto my legs while I try to get things done. I know what it is though. She tries so desperately to tell me what she wants but doesn't yet have quite the verbal skills to tell me. I feel bad for her, and sometimes it is frankly downright comical when she gets in a real tizzy. I know she is frustrated, and I can understand that, but I really had almost reached the end of my rope today, and had to step out the back door and call Keith for some reassurance. She will be having her party tomorrow at this inflatable place that is beyond cool, so I know she and the other kids are going to have a ball!!

Right now I need to go to bed and get some rest because when Keith finally hit the door after 8 PM tonight (normally he is home by 4:45) I just wanted to lock myself in the bedroom. I can't though because there is so much housework to be done and all that jazz that I just had to keep on going. I swear to all that is holy I have no idea how working mother do it!!

Thanks so much....

I cannot express with words how much all of the comments on my last post meant to me. I am so touched that so many people came here just to "Hold my Hand" in such a sad time. I have to confess though that what I didn't tell you was that my Noodle was just one of the fur babies that we had to put to sleep last week. I know that was a little unfair to the rest of them, but I had such a special place in my heart for him.

We have been Infertiles for so many years that along with that just seemed the natural progression to add to our family in the only way that we could, the four legged kiddo's. Most of our animals are over the age of 5, and as a result we had some very elderly pets. Our cat Patches went to the Bridge with Noodle on Thursday. Patches was 13 years old, I'd had her from a 2 week old kitten, and she was a joy who had helped me overcome many things. She had a cancerous tumor in her sinus cavity that was inoperable. On Wednesday, we had to send two of our older girls to the Bridge together also. BB had breast cancer that had already been treated once and had come back in the last few months with a vengeance. China had terrible hip dysplasia that wasn't being helped with meds anymore, and she was in almost constant pain. China and BB were buried together in the back field of our property under a nice big pine tree. Both of them loved to be outdoors, so we saw that as the best way to honor them. They were the best of friends in life, and will now rest together in death. I also put China's tire and basketball with them so that she would have them over at the Bridge.

I got Noodle and Patches back from the crematorium today, and it was nice that they were back home with me, but bittersweet at the same time.

I realize to some people this may seem extreme, but I had been putting it off for so long, and things just weren't getting any better for them, or easier for me. I had made Keith promise that he wouldn't make me do the deed before the Holidays, so after the New Year, I knew the jig was up. I honestly tried to get a date where all four of them could go together, but it wasn't possible.

Losing an animal no matter how, be it natural death, or by having to put them to sleep, is so hard for a lot of people. I have however come to realize one thing over this last week.... Infertiles seem to really be on the harder end of the loss of a pet. Now, I am not saying that fertiles don't feel the pain, but infertile people seem to be ten times more attached to their fur babies. I think it is because we crave what an animal gives us in the way of parenting. When we bring this little (or rescue) bundle home with us, it is really like bringing home that which we long so much for. We get to feed them, love and dote on them, and tend to their every need. We become attuned and attached to them with every fiber of our being because they represent our unattainable (at that point) dream. A Baby. I have seen it over and over in my day to day life, and now here in the blogging world. We see our pets as a surrogate child, and therefore the loss is felt so deeply, ranking right up there with the loss of a human family member. Of course this is just my thought on this, and a general observation.

Again I want to thank every person who time out of their day to come here and offer condolence's and support. It really means the world to me right now.

My Best Friend

I am going to take you on a little road trip down memory lane with this post, it could get long, but please bear with me.

It was my birthday in 1999, I had no clue what I wanted, and told Keith as much. We were still struggling with our finances as a young married couple, and I really wasn't expecting much.

We had spent a lot of our free cash on IUI's, and I had decided to stop that for a few months (well ok the HUGE cyst I had from Clomid did that one) and head back to school.

I had just spent 6 months raising my God Children while their mother was out on a cruise with the Navy, and they were due to go home with her that day. I would still be baby sitting off and on, but not having them full time anymore was really hurting me.

Keith was late coming home from work, and I was getting madder by the minute. I kept looking out the window every few minutes until his car finally pulled up. I watch as he gets out of the car reaches in and pulls out a Victoria Secret bag. HUH?? I was like WTF, they don't sell stuff in my size in that damn store.... trust me I was 275 pounds, and unless they hide that shit in a closet in the back I have never seen it!!

He proudly marches up the stairs in our apartment, and seeing the obvious confusion on my face, starts laughing. I really wasn't amused. He hands me the bag, and I was literally taken aback by the weight of it... not lightweight like your typical VS purchase, but then there was a lot more to me then their average shopper. All of a sudden the bag shifted in my hand and the tiniest little bark, more like a squeak, issued from it's depths. I tear the top layer of tissue paper out to find this....

Uh Huh... cute isn't he??!! Our eyes connect and he immediately jumped in to my arms. It was right then and there I knew he was my boy, all 2 1/2 pounds of him.

He was a riot as a puppy, always keeping us in stitches with his antics, and tricks. He was forever with me everywhere I went. He even stood up to a pit bull when he was about 8 months old, and scared the hell out of me and the other dog.

Through the years he has been a constant companion even and especially as I struggled with IF, he always seemed to know when I needed to cuddle, and get a kiss on the cheek. He was always there for me without fail or judgement when that was what I needed the most. He was my best friend.

When we finally succeeded and got pregnant with Lauryn, as my belly grew, he would cuddle closer to my belly as if to say, "I know your in there, and I am here looking out for you". There was one night in particular when I was about 36 weeks, and Lauryn was being very active. As I rolled onto my side, he adjusted himself just in time to get a swift kick from her through me. He looked at my belly as if to say "Oh you wanna play that game?" growled and kicked her right back. They did that over and over for almost 5 minutes, and Keith and I laughed so hard.

After Lauryn was born he wasn't so keen on that little thing making all that noise, but he always ran to her when she cried. In the mornings and when I got her up from her naps, he was right there with me to get her, and then he would cuddle with her on the couch until she had had enough and would push him away.

The last few weeks we had noticed a change in him. More agitation, fighting with the other dogs, growling at Lauryn, urinating on things, and loosing control of his bowels. Keith and I had the talk, but I just couldn't bring myself to call the End Game. Last night as he sat next to me on the floor, he just peed everywhere, and looked at me as if to say he was sorry, and then he lost his bowels.

I knew then. It was time.

This morning I put his little "Brat Pack" t-shirt on him and put him in the car. I know he knew where we were going, and I would like to think that during that last drive with me that he was happy to be in the car with me again going for a ride.

He nuzzled my neck as they gave him the sedative, and as he drifted off I told him how much I loved him and was going to miss him. I held him in my arms as he took his last breath, and then I sat holding him for a very long time just letting the tears and sobs come freely.

We are having him cremated, so he will be home again in a few days, but it will never be the same. He was my first baby, the one I needed at the time, and everyday since. He was my four legged rock through everything, and tonight when I go to bed I will miss his warm little body against mine, and his feet twitching as he dreams of chasing something.

I can say and have it told to me that I did the right thing, but that will not lessen my pain right now, because today I lost my best friend. Goodbye Noodle, I love you so much!!

The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak

and pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then you must do what must be done,

For this--the last battle--can't be won.

You will be sad I understand,

Don't let grief then stay your hand,

For on this day, more than the rest,

Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,

What is to come can hold no fears

You'd not want me to suffer, so.

When the time comes, please let me go.

Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,

Only, stay with me til the end

And hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree

it is a kindness you do to me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don't grieve that it must be you

Who has to decide this thing to do;

We've been so close--we two--these years,

Don't let your heart hold any tears.

-Author Unknown

Kibbles...

Please email me so that we can talk. BabyDustDreams@aol.com.

Coming out....

Not in that way... geez get your mind out of the gutter!!! Not that there is anything wrong with being gay!! :o)

For a long time I have considered where to take this blog, and I mulled many different possibilities. I finally decided that I am just going to be me, who I am, and let you all know who that is... meaning in pictures. I don't keep much secret here except for names,my face and the faces of my family. I don't see that as an issue anymore. Mostly my need to keep the blog the way it was, was due to what I thought family would think about the things that I had to say here, but at this point to be honest with you, if they find it, and cannot accept it then that is on them. This blog is me, all me, and I refuse to hide who I am anymore just because someone may not agree with something I have to say.



So without further adieu:


This is me, Erica (Rebel) with Lauryn (Turtle) on Halloween of this past year.

This is Lauryn (Turtle) with her daddy Keith (Clark) riding the tractor when the weather was still nice.


I will not be posting any photos of Kent and his name here will remain the same, for obvious reasons.

I guess I just felt the need to finally put myself out there, for good or bad. I kinda got tired of hiding so to speak, and it made me a little sad that I couldn't share all the pics we take with my followers, so here you have it, the Infertiles in all of our glory!!! I hope that this will help a lot of you put a name to the face and comments!!

This last photo is the tattoo that I got in October to commemorate my girl, us, and the 12 hearts above the halo are the embies that we transferred who didn't make it.



Hugs to all of you!!!!

Changes are coming...

Just a little for warning that there are some changes a foot. Not bad ones, in fact ones I have thought about for a long time.

They will be good I promise!!

Hope you all are having a wonderful weekend, I know I am... it is a good day when I can talk the Man into sushi !!

Hugs,
Rebel