January 19, 2010

Changes....

The first one is with the blog... I hope you like the new look, I was bored with the way that it was, and I needed something a little more me. I love this layout, the colors calm me, and it seems to just fit who I am.

I left Kent at the Rehab hospital yesterday. It was hard, but honestly not in the way that you are going to assume it was. He needs to be there, he really needs to be there. It was hard for me because it took me back to when I was 14. I had attempted suicide and was admitted to a psych hospital. The rooms on his current unit are stark and bare, and it is locked. It took me back to those days when I walked into a room just like that, and I knew at that moment that I was safe. My sadness also was for him because I don't think it had that kind of affect on him, He accused me yesterday of blackmailing him into being there. My response was that he had two choices given to him and he chose this one, so how he say that as blackmail was unfair to us. He mad me cry when he told the p-doc that we were just blaming all of our problems on him because that was unfair also. This whole deal with him has affected me very deeply because he is MY child, and I never imagined 8 years ago when he came to live with us that things would turn out this way. I had so much hope for him and us as a new family. However there are some things that I just cannot fix for him, and it is time that he learns how to fix those things for himself.

The Hospital is in a very beautiful place, and is really very nice. The staff were very nice to me even though he was not. When I went to leave, just 50 feet from where I was parked there were 20 deer grazing in the fields surrounding the campus. I really felt at peace when I saw that, and it made me smile a little to know that nature and people were going to touch him in this place. I pray that he will be on his way to where he needs to be when he is done with their program.

I was hurt a little tonight because he didn't call us, and I am not sure if it was that he was not allowed, or he just chose not to. I hope that it was because he was not allowed... the first option will really hurt me.

So that is my last 24 hours in a nutshell, and I had a hard day emotionally. Things the last few weeks have been building with all that has been going on. Keith, Lauryn and I are all pretty sick, so I cried some tears today when everything hit me. I just really need him to be OK, and the rest of us to.

Hugs to all of you tonight as I will hopefully finally get some much needed sleep! Goodnight blog land.

Erica

12 comments:

Stacie said...

Wrapping you in a virtual hug, Erica. Much love...

Stacie said...

I can't believe I didn't tell you how pretty the new look is! I love it!

Suzy said...

I am so sorry for all that you're going through. Sending you **hugs** and I know that's not quite enough.

The new layout is amazing! I love it!!!!

Kristin said...

It sounds like an incredibly emotional 24 hours. Hope things improve for Kent and that y'all feel better.

Gorgeous new look for the blog.

Tracey said...

YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS.

JJ said...

Been thinking of you--know this is not an easy time...LOADS of hugs! Hopefully one of these days, I can give you one in person!

Photogrl said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers...

Big, HUGE ((HUGS))

LOVE the new layout...very pretty!

My Reality said...

I am sure leaving Kent was really tough. You know in your heart this is best for all of you, but it doesn't make things easy now.

Sending you lots of love.

Kristine said...

((hugs)) Hope the hospital has a positive effect on him. Hang in there.

Love the new look! :)

Just the friend...Only the friend said...

ah sweetie, you have a tough road to walk. I hope his time there is good and that when all is said and done it will produce so many positive effects for your family that the hurts if the last 24 hours will just be smothered by the goodness.

I do like the new look. I am loving all pale colors with the browns lately too!

Oh, and thanks for the comment on my blog. I needed the reassurance that it really is ok for me to just go ahead and enjoy my time with him.

libby @ ninesandquines said...

love the new look! big hugs coming your way. sometimes a really long, good cry helps lift the fog :-) xoxo

Mad Hatter said...

What a brave thing to do - it must have been so difficult. I hope one day he will thank you. In the meantime, know in your heart that you have done the right thing.
Love,
Maddy