Reality has hit me.
This is it.
The chance at having another baby is here and now, never again after this... well unless of course I get REALLY HOLY and God lets me have an immaculate conception.... but since I don't see that one happening then this is the one.
The final turn in the race.
The finish line is in sight.
I am scared senseless.
I have been thinking back on the last 14 months of Turtle's life and how amazing it has been to have her here in all her girly glory. I have really enjoyed it more then I thought I would. It has been a challenge most of the time, but ever so rewarding. I feel some days like this last cycle just has to work for sanity sake.... my sanity. Then other days with her are so hard and exhausting, I think WTF am I doing even wanting another one. Every time I hit one of those moments though, I think of a country song that is out right now... The chorus is this "It won't be this way for long" and it is all about a man and his daughter.
I try to hold the moments when she does something really adorable, but I am running out of room.
She was running down the driveway the other day, and tears fell down my cheek.... I know it will be a blink in time, and I will be standing in the same spot on a September day putting her on that big yellow bus for the first time.
I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter how hard I am praying for this cycle to work, I have this amazing little girl already, and have moments when I think that she is enough, and I don't know why I am even doing this. Then I flash on not wanting her to be an "Only" child, and to have that big loving family that I want her to have, and remembering that I want to have another child to love, hold and cuddle with. It is a hard place to be.
If this cycle fails, then the decision will be a forced one, and I am not one who likes to be forced into anything.
I will accept it though and move on, because I have to. I have to for Clark's sake, Kent's sake, and Turtle's sake. We all need to be at peace with this chapter of our lives, especially me.
I am honestly mentally prepared for it to go either way.
639th Friday Blog Roundup
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